Good Times at the Wellness Expo

I get an “eye glimpse” and a tube of light

Within a half-hour drive of my home there was a free event called the Conscious Wellness Expo and Gem Show. It was just last weekend. How could I stay away? It promised to be full of the sort of thing I write about so often in these articles.

My expectations were met. There were 125 booths filled with wellness practitioners along with gem and rock sellers. You could buy crystal wands, Reiki-infused jewelry (whatever that means), and sacred geometry art. There was aura reading, “quantum soul guidance,” ascended master teaching, and animal communication.

Personally, I’m not interested in rocks and gems, but I’m fascinated by things like this:

That’s right, I took this photo of a person holding a giant tuning fork against the back of someone’s head. The tuning fork man has a business that offers sound baths, a bio-vibe table, and ecstatic dance experiences. A bio-vibe table is something you lie on and receive healing sounds and vibrations.

Looking at the list of vendors, I saw seven different booths offering tarot card reading. Here’s one tarot reader:

While perusing display tables, I picked up a brochure for “stem cell activation and age reversal” patches. This is something I might need to write an entire article about. For now, here’s a portion of the leaflet:

As you can see, stem cell patches either reverse the flow of time or enable more flattering photos.

I attend a lecture

There were talks and teaching sessions going on throughout the day. I visited one about spiritual awakening and the Pleiadians. I’ve written about the mythical beings from the Pleiades star cluster before, so I was eager to learn more.

As the talk began, the first thing I noted was that the speaker simply assumed that everyone already accepted various mystic concepts (reincarnation, chakras, the law of attraction). There was no 101-level explanation of exactly how we know these things are real.

My ears perked up when she mentioned that the Pleiadians had given her intuitive coaching abilities. But there were no more details about them, such as how they travel between the stars and what they eat for breakfast — just vague verbiage about manifesting and intuition.

Maybe the information I wanted would come later in the talk, but it was getting dull. Some people in the audience were losing interest and quietly leaving the room. I joined them and moved on.

My eyes and my divine self

Next I visited an intuitive eye reading person where I could get a free “eye glimpse.” I didn’t know what to expect, but the glimpse turned out to be like a quickie palm reading. She looked at my eyes and then started making statements about the type of person I was.

When she made a general statement that was true such as “knowledge is important to you” that was considered successful eye reading, I think. I could have booked an appointment for a more in-depth reading and also career and relationship advice.

While walking by another booth, someone asked me if I wanted a picture of my divine self. I replied with some enthusiasm that I’d always wanted a picture like that. I received this item, about the size of a business card:

It’s a little disappointing that my divine self looks like a crayon or a candle instead of something cool like a dragon or a comet. And since all the cards were identical, I think everyone’s divine self looks the same. The back of the card provided details about what we’re seeing in this picture:

• The light at the top is the I AM THAT I AM
• The middle caucasian figure is the mediator between God and man (maybe woman, too?)
• The lower caucasian figure is me, surrounded by a “tube of light”

Underneath this explanation is a cheesy little rhyming poem called the “Tube of Light Mantra.” The first two lines are:

Beloved I AM presence bright Round me seal your tube of light

Somehow the idea of being sealed in a tube doesn’t fill me with wonder and joy. I think of being trapped in a toothpaste tube, a bicycle tire tube, or a tube of glue.

Einstein is not endorsing this crap

A brochure for someone who provides channeling, energy healing, and past life exploration services ($85 for 30 minutes) says this:

Everything is energy. It is not philosophy. That’s physics. — Albert Einstein

Einstein never said this. Not even close. New age entrepreneurs should never try to rub shoulders with Albert Einstein or lie about his words. Otherwise his divine spirit might latch onto their chakras with sharp astral teeth, and, like a rabid dog, refuse to let go.

Another brochure — really just a sheet of paper with a phone number that’s crossed out by hand and a different one written in — makes the following claims:

• I work with the white flame
• I can see what foods your body does not agree with
• I can scan the body looking for injuries. I can see old injuries and new injuries.
• I also work with mother and father God, and Jesus angels, and fairies, gnomes and other entities and spirits.
• I remove negative energies that are attached to you

Okay, now it’s my turn. I call upon Jesus angels, fairies, and gnomes to get this person better marketing. I ask the white flame to help by incinerating the old brochure. Finally, I ask this person to go to a hospital trauma center and scan bodies for injuries so they don’t need to use X-rays or MRI.

Thanks for taking a walk through the Wellness Expo with me. I suspect I’ll be writing more about some of the services I encountered.