POLITICS
GOP Presidential Debate Derails Into Four Hours of Candidates Vowing to Bring Slavery Back
Two steps forward, four steps back
Had this nonsensical debate lasted a minute longer, it would have outlived the Confederacy.
The GOP candidates of Wednesday’s presidential debate spent their time urging for the revival of slavery. We were stunned that the Republican Party wanted to bring America back to the good old days of 1823. What’s next? We abandon science and vaccinations in favor of religion, herbs, and celebrity endorsements?
That being said, we were not surprised the GOP learnt nothing from their prior debate. The one that got derailed into a clown carnival because their selected candidates spent their time bickering with each other, snorting drugs, and hitting on each other. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, his Tuesday morning ritual.
Following this freak show, the GOP disqualified all those candidates. They brought in a new set of candidates for this debate in hopes of having a “serious” debate this time around.
- Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis
- North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum
- Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie
- Former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley
- Former Vice President Mike Pence
- South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott
- Former Rapper Vivek Ramaswamy
We tuned into Fox News to watch this colossal nightmare.
Ronna McDaniel
Good evening, I’m your host Ronna McDaniel. As chairwoman of the GOP, I will moderate this debate.
We’ll start with Ron DeSantimonious…er DeSantis. Forgive me, I’ve been listening to Trump so much that I almost stormed the capitol.
Ron, the American citizens are impacted by the potential government shutdown. They won’t have a steady paycheck come October 2023. What will you do to avoid this shutdown and help these families?
Ron DeSantis
Ronna, I’m not here to talk about trivial issues like that. As long as my pay stub isn’t impacted, then this issue is irrelevant.
I’m here to talk about the real issues that Americans care about. Wokeism. Hunter Biden’s laptop. Disney portraying fictional characters as transgender on screen.
But let’s talk about the main issue that’s on everyone’s mind. What’s the point of schools teaching slavery as horrific abuse? Not everyone was abused during slavery. Haven’t they seen Gone With the Wind? Or 12 Years a Slave 2: Slave Harder?
The blacks learnt skills to survive in White America. They benefited from the labor we forced them to do! If anything, the slaves were better off than the white masters due to the skills they learnt!
Even Confederate general Robert E. Lee was jealous of the slaves! He blasted the white man’s reliance on slaves, as he felt the superior race shouldn’t turn to retards for automation.
Tim Scott
Ronald, slavery was really about was separating families, about mutilating humans and even raping their wives. It was just devastating. I hope you would appreciate that…
Ron DeSantis
When did I say I didn’t appreciate slavery! Slavery is a GOOD thing! If I went back in time to 1830, I would benefit TREMENDOUSLY from slavery!
I’m the Governor of Florida. I know what it’s like to be a white man who got by on the hard work of others!
Why don’t we bring slavery back? Amazon already did so with their employees.
Tim Scott
Ronald, slavery is no joke. It shouldn’t be glossed over in schools…
Ron DeSantis
You should be supporting us white supremacists! Who wrote your speech for you? Kamala Harris?
This nation has failed because Republicans like you all too often accept false narratives and lies that are perpetrated by the left. So tell me Tim. Are you going to side with Kamala Harris and liberal media outlets? Or are you going to side with the state of Florida?
Tim Scott
I could never side with the Democratic Party. Especially since they’re responsible for the Great Society programs of the 1960s. The Democrats aided poor, black Americans on welfare. Now, the African-Americans in poverty are financially dependent on the government. That, to me, is worse than slavery.
I can make this claim because I was born after the Civil War, and have never lived as a property of a white man.
Doug Burgum
Hold up, Tim. I know I voted against critical race theory to be taught in schools. But that’s because I’m white! The hardships of the black kids’ ancestors are nothing compared to white kids’ feelings upon learning such.
What does a black man like you gain from trivializing slavery?
Tim Scott
I didn’t trivialize slavery. I just said it wasn’t as bad as government welfare.
The Great Society programs incentivized single mother households. Families got a government check after they told the fathers to go get milk from the store. This is why man black Americans grew up in single father homes.
Had the government not intervened, I would have had a father. Instead, my parents got divorced. Worst of all, I was adopted by Lindsey Graham.
Chris Christie
Scott has sugarcoated slavery so much that his birth certificate lists him as Uncle Tim.
He’s clearly on board with the new education standards approved by Florida’s Board of Education and Ron DeSantis.
Ron DeSantis
I didn’t write these standards, and I’m not involved in it.
Chris Christie
Ronald, those are not the words of leadership. After all, you started this political debate on how slavery should be taught.
Now, you don’t want to take responsibility for the aftermath of this discussion? Are you afraid that Tim Scott’s support ruins your image among your white supremacist fan base?
I can see you sweating. I haven’t seen you this uncomfortable since Mike Pence looked at you seductively.
Mike Pence
HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF SUCH A SIN! I AM A GOOD, CHRISTIAN STRAIGHT MAN!
I would NEVER sleep with a MAN! Unless that man is Donald Trump.
Chris Christie
Ok fairy.
Let me say this. There’s nothing more unethical than the president of the United States sleeping with a member of the teachers’ union. This is worse than owning slaves.
Mike Pence
I have been sleeping with a teacher for 38 years. And she’s a woman!
Chris Christie
…good for you?
Mike Pence
And I was elected vice president! So sleeping with a teacher is NOT unethical.
Checkmate Christie! I’m not a degenerate. Most importantly, I’M NOT GAY!
Chris Christie
Homo says what.
Mike Pence
What?
Chris Christie
In the butt. Hehe.
Doug Burgum
I can’t believe Pence walked right into that.
Pence, control your burning loins. I know you hate Christie for bringing up your sexuality. But this is no way to treat Lizzo’s backup dancer.
Chris Christie
Holdup, who insulted me just now?
Doug Burgum
I did, Christie.
Chris Christie
Burgum? I didn’t see you there. You’ve been as quiet as Asa Hutchinson.
Doug Burgum
Hutchinson isn’t even on this stage.
Chris Christie
Exactly.
Doug Burgum
Wait, why isn’t Hutchinson here?
Nikki Haley
Hutchinson didn’t meet the requirements to be here. That’s what happens when he opposed bringing back slavery.
Hutchinson publicly stated taking America back to the 50s or the Jim Crow days is the wrong direction. The GOP blacklisted him cause they can’t have him keeping the 13th Amendment intact.
Tim Scott
That makes sense.
Nikki Haley
You’re black, remember?
Tim Scott
…this vexes me.
Doug Burgum
So Scott has entered his racial-life crisis. This will take a while. Probably four score and seven years.
In the meantime. Haley, does this means you are on board with reviving slavery?
Nikki Haley
Of course not. I’m a minority. I don’t benefit from abolishing the 13th Amendment.
However, I see no point of teaching slavery in schools. The past is in the past. Didn’t Elsa from Frozen tell us to Let It Go?
The GOP is correct in ignoring slavery from history books. This doesn’t mean the GOP is racist. Else, they wouldn’t back the only Indian to represent them on this stage.
Vivek Ramaswamy
Excuse me, I’m right here.
Nikki Haley
I’m sorry, who are you?
Vivek Ramaswamy
Excellent question Haley! But I’m surprised it took you this long to ask me that! Even your stint to hoist the Confederate Flag in office was shorter.
But that question is on everybody’s mind at home tonight: who the heck is this skinny guy with the funny last name and what the heck is he doing in the middle of this debate stage? I’m here because I am reciting a speech from ex-president Barrack Obama! I plagiarized an Obama speech so much that my name is actually Melania Trump!
This isn’t the first time I copied Obama. I said the following.
If you have a broken car, you don’t turn over the keys to the people who broke it again. You hand it over to the new generation.
Obama said this same thing 11 years ago.
Why would I do this? Well, super PACs don’t fund me. I’m not a super PAC puppet, like the other candidates. I don’t have any money to hire my own ghostwriter. I have no choice but to plagiarize.
Rest assured, Republicans. I’m a patriot who promotes a black man’s work as my own. I may be brown, but I am as white as a 1850’s slave owner.
And I assure you. Republican. Democrat. It don’t matter. I will steal your work as long as you’re black. I even did the same with Larry Elder when I spoke on the epidemic of fatherlessness.
Chris Christie
Look, I had enough of a guy who sounds like ChatGPT.
He should leave politics to the professionals and stick to doing what he does best: creating ChatGPT.
Vivek Ramaswamy
Are you implying that I can code AI because I’m Indian?
Chris Christie
Yes. You’re Brown Butthead.
If you’re not that smart, then build something that returns you Obama’s speeches.
Vivek Ramaswamy
I don’t have any of Obama’s speeches, Christie.
That’s cause you ate them after chugging down whiskey.
Chris Christie
Vivek, this is a debate. Not an amateur rap battle. Did you get those lyrics from ChatGPT?
Vivek Ramaswamy
Come give me a hug, Chris. Give me a hug and help me get elected like you did with Obama. Give me the damn hug, brother.
Chris Christie
If you want a hug that badly, ask Pence. He loves hugging dudes.
Mike Pence
FOR THE LAST TIME, I’M NOT GAY! LEBRON AND I DON’T SCISSOR!
Chris Christie
Whatever helps you sleep at night. Even if it’s in a tight space like a closet.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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