SPORTS, ENVIRONMENT
Abusive Wrestling Coach Helps Humans Survive Global Warming by Depriving Them Of Water
Easier than burning less fossil fuels
Therapists always preach that healthy relationships are built on partners not devoting more than 50% of themselves to each other. Since water makes up 60% of the human body, humanity is in a toxic relationship with H2O.
To remove humanity’s dependency on water, people tried to deprive humans of this liquid. University of the Cumberlands in Kentucky wrestling coach Jordan Countryman was accused of killing 20-year-old student Grant Brace. Countryman denied Brace water during a grueling training session, causing Brace to die of dehydration. Countryman’s horrific actions inspired Texas Governor Greg Abbott to deny mandatory water breaks to construction workers during the hot, Texas summers.
The Whiplash maestro defended his actions as the price to pay for success.
“I understand that Brace’s narcolepsy and ADHD made him take Adderall, a pill that accelerated his dehydration. But frankly, I don’t give a shit.
“I wasn’t hired to accommodate Brace’s weaknesses. I was hired to push him beyond his limits.
“Any fucking moron can bark orders and tell boys to tackle. If I did just that, I wouldn’t have lead this team to first place in Mid-South Conference (MSC) two different years. I wouldn’t have created 11 All-Americans. I would have deprived the wrestling world of the next Charlie Parker.
“Parker wasn’t a wrestler. He was a jazz legend. But as a kid, he fucked up a cutting session so bad that Jo Jones throws a cymbal at his head. Almost decapitates the kid. Parker gets laughed off the stage. Parker cries himself to sleep that night, but wakes up the next day to practice. And practices till he never gets laughed at ever again. I tried to improve Brace like Jones did to Parker, but Brace chose to die on me.
“Imagine if I told Brace
‘That’s ok bud. Here’s some water. You did a good job.’
“Then Brace thinks ‘Well, shit. I did do a pretty good job.’ End of story. No legend in the making. To me, that’s an absolute tragedy. But that’s what the world wants now. People wonder why wrestling is dying.”
We called out Countryman on his lie. Jones never tried to decapitate Parker with a cymbal. Jones dropped a cymbal hard on the floor to end the session. Countryman exaggerated on violence to justify his shitty abuse.
Countryman glared.
“In my three years, I lead my students to 2 championship titles! Our school is UNDEFEATED in MSC! One of those years, we finished 4th on a national level! I can say and do whatever I want because I get this team championships!
“How many MSC tournaments did you win? Zero? So when did you become a fucking expert on what I can or cannot do, you fucking weepy willow shitsack? I’m too busy winning to listen to losers like you! You can call me Charlie Sheen, bitch!
“This world is too soft. Who cares if Brace died? Better to die trying to be a legend than to live an average life.”
Countryman’s pride in his abuse caught the attention of scientists of the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. Lead climate scientist Katharine Hayhoe praised this Terence Fletcher wannabe.
“We don’t condone child abuse for the sake of sport achievements. That being said, we were impressed by Countryman’s efforts to train humans to survive on little water.
“We scientists have warned the public of climate change for decades. Yet our carbon emissions continue to rise. The world is getting warmer. Despite the ice caps melting, wildfires spreading, and hurricanes getting stronger, humans are still fighting for their right to burn coal in their gargantuan pickup trucks.
“Humans are inherently selfish. They put their own interests and short-term comfort ahead of society’s. Why else would so many morons fight against Dr. Anthony Fauci on his recommended masks and vaccines mandates during COVID? He was trying to help them, goddammit!
“Humanity’s selfishness and shortsightedness is endangering our food supply, risking our health, and poisoning our water supply. We’ve given up clean water for 30 minutes of a Lamborghini test drive!”
Hayhoe slammed her palms.
“We’re done trying to warn humans. They can’t think long term.
“They want this gas guzzling world, fine. We just need to teach them how to be less dependent on water. Countryman has provided a unique way to help us survive in apocalyptic conditions. Only he can prepare us for the inevitable destruction of the world.
“We need to learn how to survive on no food, no water, and no homes. All for the sake of running our automobiles. Countryman will get us there.”
We reached out to Countryman on being the spokesperson for the new movement #AutoLivesMatter.
“I’m thrilled that people see the value I bring to the table. I just didn’t expect support from scientists. Why the fuck are schools spending millions to please sports fans instead?
“If science backs me, then I’ll gladly whip humanity into shape. We humans can do anything! Even with the threat of wildlife damage, we will improvise, adapt, and overcome!”
Countryman then took the temperature of the Earth, which was 0.5 degrees Celsius lower than expected. Angry, he bellowed in the megaphone.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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