POLITICS
George Santos Caught Spending Campaign Donations on Texas Lt Governor Dan Patrick’s OnlyFans
Bulk Buying Booty Program
Sir Mix-a-Lot was wrong. Republican Congressman George Santos loves big butts and he can lie.
Santos was recently investigated by the U.S. House Committee on Ethics on his usage of campaign donations. The committee released a report so scathing that we thought we did the investigation.
Look, we love roasting celebrities. But we have standards
We couldn’t sit back and mock a great man who accomplished so much. Even though the only evidence backing these titles came from his own mouth. Santos’s accomplishments inspired GOP colleague Kari Lake to call herself Governor of Arizona. Which hilariously disqualified her from the Arizona Senate race.
But we digress. We read the Committee’s report to discover how George Santos spent his campaign donations and his reasons for doing so.
- Botox for when Santos wanted to win over illegal immigrants by physically looking like an alien.
- Sephora Makeup and Skincare for when Santos wanted to cover up his Botox in front of MAGA.
- Hermes luxury clothing for when Santos wanted to dress like a Frenchman. Which goes hand-in-hand with his loser personality.
- OnlyFans for when Santos wanted to identify as GOP colleague Raphael Edward Cruz.
We reached out to Santos to address his “complex web of unlawful activity.” Santos was enraged.
“The ethics community is shaming me for dishonesty? How can I be dishonest when I am the only man in history who PAID for porn! This is LITERALLY the only honest thing I’ve done in my career!
“Do you know how many websites contain free adult content of big beautiful women? Yes, so I subscribed to a big titty female’s OnlyFans. So what if I’m a gay, married man? I don’t know why people are confused that I, too, can watch straight porn. Don’t they know who I am? A LIAR! I lied so much that I probably lied in my wedding vows!
“I lied to the Brazilian police by calling myself Hakeem Jeffries! That’s why I’m not arrested!
“I’m a politician. Lying is in our nature. How come I’m being attacked for the same stuff my peers did? Do I have to wear a toupee and paint my face orange? Is that how I become president and pardon myself?”
Santos crossed his arms.
“Besides. I wasn’t subscribed to OnlyFans for fun. I did it out of responsibility for my family and country.”
We asked Santos to clarify.
“There are two OnlyFans accounts I followed.
“First, the big beautiful woman’s. I wasn’t watching her content for fun. I just wanted her to convince my husband that my penis is humongous!
“Second, Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick’s. This man has been prostituting himself online to keep the state’s economy afloat.”
Santos grabbed his Versace handkerchief to wipe a tear.
“How patriotic is Patrick? So many people left Texas because they couldn’t stand their ruler Chancellor Palpatine. I mean, Governor Greg Abbott.
“Only six people remain in that state. There’s no one left to keep the state’s industry booming. Patrick is forced to striptease on camera so that the money can flow into the state and bring people back.
“But alas! He’s been doing this gig for almost a year. And he still has ZERO subscribers! No one even knows this brave soul is baring his gray chest hairs, flat buttocks, and beer belly for the growth of Texas!
“I had to help. I had to subscribe to this patriot’s account. I used my campaign funds to pay him so much that the OnlyFans algorithm promoted ranked him as one of the best performers of the month!”
Santos beamed.
“Aren’t I a genius? That’s because I’m a Republican! The GOP came up with something similar, which I stole!
“Republicans have been doing this exact scheme for the conservative books for years! Buying GOP memoirs in bulk so they go to the top of New York Times Bestsellers! Naturally, this plan was recently abandoned because they had a surplus of books and a surplus of morons who don’t want to read them.
“Thankfully, you don’t need to read to consume OnlyFans. You need functional eyes and half a brain cell. That’s why OnlyFans is the true platform for MAGA!
“MAGA morons love voting for policies to fuck each other over. Now, they get to watch each other get fucked on screen!”
Santos vowed to not seek re-election after being misunderstood for his actions. He plans to step out of the spotlight so he can spend more time with his imaginary family.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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