ENTERTAINMENT

Tory Lanez Released From Jail After Los Angeles Police Department Deemed His Shooting of Megan Thee Stallion’s Foot a Qualification of an “Excellent” Law Enforcement Officer

Beverly Hills Cop: Axel Unholy

Is gunning down innocent African-Americans even racist if the police officers are black? Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) seems to think so.

The LAPD recently hired a black man to promote police brutality. We were stunned that the LAPD learnt nothing from the Memphis Police Department (MPD) when their African-American officers gunned down Tyre Nichols in January 2023. It hasn’t even been a year, and the LAPD swerved 180 as fast as Senator Ron Johnson did when the gun-loving Republican recently promoted gun control laws.

To add salt to the wound, the LAPD chose to hire a rapper and convicted felon Tory Lanez. The artist well known for bitching with other rappers than creating music. To Lanez’s credit, his actions make him qualified as the star of Real Housewives of Los Angeles.

After years of puffing his chest, pulling down his pants, and throwing crips signs to embody Biggie Smalls, Lanez finally made it big. Not through his music. Through shooting artist Megan Thee Stallion in the foot. Lanez’s beef escalation inspired comedienne Ali Wong’s Netflix series.

Rather than admit responsibility, Lanez denied fault.

“Look, so I argued with Megan. This ho refused to grind her asscheeks on my crotch. I got so pissed that I pulled out my gun and made her dance.

“How come she ain’t gonna twerk for me? She won’t shake her moneymaker when I order her to dance, but will gladly do so in front of She-Hulk? THAT JOLLY GREEN GIANT AIN’T EVEN HUMAN!

“I know I scared her. I apologized to her via text. But I didn’t shoot no foot. Megan is making shit up. Ok, I know I shot her. But this is America. Anything is true if you gaslight hard enough. That’s how George Santos became Congressman.

“Imma get back at her by paying off blogs to say she lied. That’ll teach her not to mess with me.”

Lanez’s misinformation divided the hip hop community. Drake, 21 Savage, and DaBaby dissed Megan for “lying”. Chance the Rapper, Cardi B, Lizzo, Kehlani, DJ Atrak, and Janelle Monae defended Megan for suffering from domestic violence. In this Civil War, Megan won because Lizzo ate all her haters.

The jury sentenced Lanez to 10 years in prison after realizing the rapper was lying. Less than a month later, Lanez was released. We wondered if Lanez hire the lawyer who helped OJ Simpson get away with murder. Or if Lanez hired the lawyer’s daughter, Kim Kardashian. Jury clearly found her booty as a compelling argument.

Turns out Lanez was released by the same people who put him in jail: the police force. We reached out to LAPD Executive Director Richard M. Tefank for comment. Tefank beamed.

“The police department has an extensive history of accidental and intentional killings of unarmed black civilians. Yes, we may be aggressive. But it’s in our culture! We’re low-IQ former athletes who forwent studying over watching Rambo and John Wayne classics!

“We CRAVE aggression. We ADORE violence. Nothing gets us harder than brutalizing innocent people. This strokes our masculinity and war mentality!

“The woke movement has gone too far and got rid of our aggressive officers. Now, we’re understaffed! How are we gonna find people to take our spots? The majority of Americans are college educated. They know better than to put their lives on the line for danger.

“We’ll take in anyone at this point. Even criminals! They already got the aggression down. Furthermore, shooting a black woman in the foot is on par with ourpolice brutality culture. For these reasons, we believe Lanez will make a fine candidate for the police department.”

We reached out to Lanez on this verdict.

“I have always maintained my innocence and I always will. Even if I have to use fake email addresses and conversations to support my claims.

“I thank the LAPD for getting me out of jail. I hope to use my gun skills to train a new American generation of dancers.”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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