POLITICS

Ted Nugent Claims He Can’t Be Racist Because His Machine Gun Is Black

Machine Gun Nelly

Being a white boomer isn’t difficult. Just spew a bunch of racist statements, then quickly claim you’re not racist because your best friend is black.

Guitarist Ted Nugent added a twist to this blueprint following his Black Lives Matter (BLM) rant in Michigan. A black man named Jalen Brown defended BLM as an organization that fights police brutality, claiming that it does more to bring awareness to child victims of all races. Nugent responded by calling Brown a “varmint” of a “terrorist organization”, claiming that “black lives don’t give a shit about black lives.” Nugent’s dementia got so bad that he mistook BLM for Kyrie Irving’s movement to bring back slavery to atone for his Jewish ancestors killing Jesus Christ.

Regardless, Nugent’s comments were so controversial that even Southern state Alabama banned him from performing in Birmingham. That’s right. The state that once tried to ban Hindus for “worshiping” Dwayne Johnson is now flipping 180 and banning an artist for being racist.

Regardless, their small progress in racism is still progress.

Faced with the repercussions of being cancelled, Nugent took to Truth Social to claim that he’s not a racist.

“Now now, hold up. I ain’t a racist. It ain’t my fault that blacks are weird fucks. They still walk naked with bones in their mouth and wipe their butts with their hands. Haven’t they heard of clothes or toilet paper?

“Heck, if they’re so poor to buy toilet paper, they should use their currency! If toilet paper costs two hundred Zimbabwe dollars, they just get one dollar notes and wipe their ass two hundred times!

“I ain’t even from the hood, but I still got more street smarts than these monkeys.”

Nugent then raised his voice.

“You all gonna come at me for that bit. But I ain’t racist. How can I be racist if my machine gun is black? Checkmate, libtards!”

We reached out to Nugent to clarify why owing firearms makes him less racist.

“Didn’t you hear me? I said I owned a black machine gun! You must be as deaf as me!

“If I was really racist, I’d get a white machine gun. But I didn’t. Cause they don’t exist. Why aren’t there white machine guns in the market? Is the NRA racist?

“Well, the NRA can’t be racist because yours truly is on their board of directors! If I ain’t racist, neither are they!”

Nugent stopped to ponder.

“But seriously, why don’t we have white guns? We need diversity in firearms! Is it because the damn Jews are controlling us? That they need firearms to be the same color as them? If Kyrie Irving said that black people are the real jews, then this must be true!

“I ain’t racist. I’m just saying that black people are controlling our choices and tastes behind the scenes! They silenced our voices and made our guns black! What if my gun wanted to be white? You gonna ignore my baby girl Sandy’s feelings because you forced her to be black? Aren’t y’all libtards the woke ones though?

“Yea, I gave my gun a name and a gender. My gun wanted this though! My gun has feelings! Even Pixar would make a movie out of my firearm!”

Nugent raised his hands.

“Black people just wanna dominate the world with their voodoo religion and wokeism. They cancelled me in Michigan. They cancelled me in Birmingham, Alabama. The state full of racist, transphobic, subhuman mongrels now wants me gone because they hate my inclusion of racists!

“I ain’t racist. I’m just saying that black people are the scum of the earth! They destroy America! Terrorist Barrack Obama is one Ho Chi Minh beard away from becoming Obama bin Laden. These fucks better not cancel me again! Else, I’ll either be dead or in jail!”

Nugent slammed his palms on his desk.

“I ain’t racist. But I hate black people.

“I’ll help Senator Ron Johnson get rid of them if I have to. Hell, we’ll pass gun laws just so black police officers don’t engage in brutality!”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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