Alabama Attempts To Ban Hinduism for Idolizing Dwayne Johnson

The devil can finally breathe a sigh of relief.

Alabama upheld its 28-year long ban on yoga practiced in schools, for fear of spreading Hinduism. The Alabama Board of Education released a statement on keeping this ban alive.

“Schools should be a safe place for children, where they can engage in scientific and analytic thought freely. Religion can cause massive confusion on what the student learns, and can hinder his/her learning. It is best that we ban all religions in schools effectively so students can freely learn without confusion in their Science and Bible Study classes.”

Surprisingly, Alabama locals heavily supported this decision. Some of them even called to ban Hinduism outright.

Local Bobby Clayton expressed fear when he accidentally walked into the Hindu Temple of Birmingham.

“I saw a picture of this jacked, powerful monkey holding up the world in his hands. All I saw from the poster was a physically talented black man. Why are the Hindus worshipping actor Dwayne Johnson? Johnson is too young to be a god. He wasn’t even around during the Confederacy, for Christ’s sake! This is blasphemy!”

We were shocked at this racist analogy, and explained to Clayton why it was offensive for him to classify African-Americans as monkeys. Monkeys are known to be less intelligent and hygienic than humans, and Clayton’s comments imply that people who are black should be seen as idiots.

Furthermore, we argued that the picture Clayton saw was not of Dwayne Johnson, but rather of a Hindu deity known as Lord Hanuman. It’s true that Hanuman is well known for his strength and his devotion to his craft/relationships, which are all positive qualities that Johnson emulates. Regardless, Clayton’s analogy implied that we should correlate intelligence with the color of one’s skin.

Clayton refused to see our viewpoint, however. The simpleton’s wife, Addison, chimed in.

“Disgusting to think that this muscular black athlete should be viewed in the same way as we view our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Especially since Johnson is a sinner and a terrible Christian. I found out that in his lowest moment, Johnson resorted to staring in a softcore pornographic film to make ends meet. I believe it was called Rock Bottom¹.

“No matter how tempting it is to stray from the light, we must consistently remind ourselves to be strong for Jesus. Are the Hindus really that immoral to worship a sinner?”

We asked how Addison stumbled upon this scandalous detail about the savior of the Fast and Furious franchise. She declined to comment.

Retired factory worker and self-proclaimed racist Marshall Jackson brought up the dangers of admiring powerful, black men.

“Vogue magazine depicted LeBron James as King Kong. King Kong was a monster, not an idol. This just shows how scary the black man truly is. And if we give them power, they will abuse it in every way. Now there is a religion based on idolizing a black man?”

Jackson slammed his fist.

“We cannot let the black man think they’re superior to us white folk in every way. The Hindus must be punished for making us white men look weaker.”

The newfound hate for Hindus spread rapidly after Clayton’s “discovery” of Lord Hanuman. This fake news even convinced Alabama cop Eric Parker to beat and paralyze a 57-year old Hindu just for walking on the street.

The news of white-on-brown crime quickly reached India, where Bollywood stars took to social media to calm the racists’ concerns.

Priyanka Chopra-Jonas tweeted.

“I don’t know where they got the idea that we respect people of dark skin colors. I’ve been advertising skin-lightening products all my life. Furthermore, my husband is white. What makes you think I idolize darker skin colors?”

Bollywood director Maqbool Khan released a live Instagram feed.

“I am deeply saddened that people of Alabama do not understand Hinduism. Hinduism’s core belief is the caste system, and Africans are in the untouchable caste due to their dark skin. This core, racist belief is what drives Bollywood.

“I went so far as to promote racism by creating the song “Beyonce Sharma Jaayegi” for my movie Khaali Peeli. The premise of the song is that a girl’s skin color is so fair and light that even Queen B would be jealous. The key takeaway is that no matter how much Beyonce has accomplished in her life, she is nothing compared to a light skin talentless bimbo like Paris Hilton.

“It breaks my heart that poor white Americans from Alabama would engage in violence with the Hindus, as we both share a mutual hatred of Africans. I hope we can bond over these similarities so that the violence will end.”

Khan then offered an all-expense-paid trip to India to the first 100 responders from Alabama. Khan hopes he and the Americans will become closer during a viewing of two Africans fighting to the death in an upcoming match in India’s Gladiator League.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

#1: There is no existence of a Dwayne Johnson pornographic film. Please stop googling for such, you filthy perverts.

UPDATE: On May 21st, 2021, Alabama reversed its yoga ban.

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