India’s Farmers Allowed In Nation’s Gladiator League
After weeks of protest from India’s farmers, Prime Minister Narendra Modi has finally decided to open up India’s longest professional sports league to a broader public.
The Indian Gladiator League, or IGL, is an underground fighting league where armed combatants fight to the death against each other. Wealthy politicians, executives, and other people of power gamble good money on which participants will come out alive. Gladiators can also fight rowdy animals: elephants, apes, and mad cows.
However, not everyone is eligible to participate. The IGL was formed to punish innocent people who the Indians deem as “worse than criminals and rapists.” Since these people have not committed any crimes to warrant imprisonment, the Republic of India formed IGL to treat these people as members of the untouchable caste and have them fight in a glorified spectator event. Current participants include the following groups that India has openly condemned
- Africans
- Dark-skinned Sri Lankans
- Widows
- Muslims
- People with severe disabilities
- Females who wear revealing clothing (whatever that means)
- Politicians with moral values
- People who dislike Shahrukh Khan’s movies
- Priyanka Chopra
Modi has supported IGL to get rid of these people.
“We can’t kill these people without cause, so we decided to give them a grand opportunity to fight for their lives. Winners get 5,000 rupees per win, which they can use to fund their livelihood.
“These people should be blessed. They contaminate our population with their disgusting looks and values. Instead of shunning them, we’re giving them a chance to make some good money and provide value to the country and economy. It’s time India starts throwing away some of the trash for the evolution of a clean society.”
Modi laughed with glee at the additional bonus of reducing overpopulation.
“There are way too many people in our country, and it’s becoming harder to give everyone a fair opportunity and distribute resources fairly. The IGL helps to keep those resources reserved only for our pristine castes. A great example of killing two birds with one stone.”
Modi originally wanted to restrict the IGL participants to members of the untouchable caste. He didn’t want members of higher castes to register, as he couldn’t stand the sight of a higher caste being killed by an untouchable. Modi relented after the Farmer’s protest in 2020–2021.
“Farmers make up 60% of the Indian population, but agriculture only makes up 20% of India’s economy. There are not enough jobs to sustain the agriculture business. Furthermore, farmer production is very inefficient compared to automated agricultural farms. We need fewer farmers and more thinkers/scientists/engineers. The Farm bills I introduced were meant to keep only the elite farmers and have others search for other means of labor.
“I am really inspired by Jeff Bezos’ philosophy of fuck employees, get money. All I wanted was to bring Amazon’s work culture to the farming industry and have a small group of greedy corporations forcing farmers to compete with each other. The farmers have to step up their output, drive down their prices, or use other creative methods to get ahead in their industry. If nothing else, they can leave farming to pursue other opportunities.
“Alas, I forgot that farmers are currently illiterate and have no money and time for higher education pursuits. Furthermore, I’ve decided to let farmers participate in the IGL instead of farming. They can be entertainers instead and have an opportunity to keep their bodies fit, make more money than before, and have more time to pursue education. It is a win-win for all.”
The IGL will allow these changes on their upcoming 35th anniversary. The inaugural ceremony is expected to attract various celebrities and investors outside of India, most notably Armie Hammer. Unable to meal prep due to acting demands, Hammer admits he pays Modi 2 million dollars for the bodies of the losers.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now
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UPDATE: On November 19, 2021, Prime Minister Modi repealed all 3 farm bills.
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