RELIGION, LGBTQ
Evangelical Christian Leader Mike Bickle Steps Down From For-Profit Church to Become a Drag Queen
International House of Pansexuals
Conservatives portrayed LGBTQ activists and drag queens as pedophiles and sexual abusers masquerading to get closer to children. Even though there’s substantial proof that such monsters would masquerade as conservatives.
International House of Prayer founder Mike Bickle was accused of sexually abusing women in his church for decades. Even though the evangelist was married. So much for straight couples preserving the sanctity of marriage. We should now legalize gay marriages nationwide to see if the homosexuals can do it better.
Bickle’s sexual immorality was derided by the Vatican Church, who felt Bickle was so dumb to abuse women. Ex-Cardinal Philippe Barbarin claimed.
“You don’t create a church to cover up abusing adult women. No one gives a shit about them. You can sexually assault 60 massage therapists and still sign a $230 million deal with the Cleveland Browns.
“You create a church to abuse minors and children. Pedophilia is apparently an egregious crime. Didn’t our ancestors marry 13-year old girls?
“Bickle’s steps were unnecessary to cover up something minor, unless he did something with a minor.
“Bickle should have done what Sound of Freedom FBI agent Tim Ballard did to hide his assault on women. Coerce a sexual relationship from women for the sake of convincing child sex traffickers that you’re a couple and not a team of agents rescuing children. Just go up to the women at a bar and use this pick-up line if she turns you down.
‘You won’t have sex with me? BUT THINK OF THE CHILDREN!’
“I, personally, have seen Ghislaine Maxwell use this line to seduce Jeffrey Epstein.”
Philippe the Barbarian’s comments convinced Bickle to step down to focus on his new endeavor. Bickle turned into social network CheatPrayLove to broadcast his decision.
“After careful planning, I’ve decided to step down from the church I created. I plan to become a drag queen.”
Bickle’s career switch was derided by conservatives, who felt Bickle’s coming out meant he was a pedophile. We reached out to Bickle on his new profession.
“First, I’m not a pedophile. Even if I was, I don’t get the conservative outrage. Pedophilia is so hot in our community right now. Three hundred and seventy-five Republican politicians have been arrested for child rape. They make up so much of the GOP community that Republican Senator Josh Hawley identifies as a child sex abuser just so he can win their votes. Why else would Hawley endorse TikTok?
“Second, why on earth would a pedophile become a drag queen? So many parents refuse to have their kids be around drag queens. Even though there’s no proof that they molest children. All drag queens ever did were dress up in sexy dresses and wear beautiful makeup! These queens look so gorgeous that I almost sexually assaulted them.
“A pedophile needs a profession that grants them easy access to children, not one where such supply is as empty as Donald Trump’s bank account. That’s why you see so many pedophiles in ‘family-admirable’ professions. Boy Scout leaders. Youth coaches. Teachers. Pediatricians. Conservatives who preach straight marriages. Evangelist church leaders. Shit, I need to resign quickly.
“Why would a pedophile dress as a drag queen and make his/her job harder than it needs to be? Pedophiles are inherently lazy! They prey on tiny idiots with underdeveloped brains because it’s so EASY! Why would they work on improving social skills and appearance to seduce adults when they can swoon kids by waving candy in front of them?
“A pedophile doesn’t want to make plans as convoluted as those from Tom Sawyer. A pedophile wants to make plans efficient enough to seduce Tom Sawyer. Like painting a fence white.”
We asked Bickle why he’s leaving the church to become a drag queen.
“People are now realizing that conservatives and church leaders are the devils disguised as angels. Especially since we crucified Jesus after he was reborn.
“We don’t care about Jesus’s teachings. We care about manipulating his words to achieve power and lust.
“Church leaders’ image has tanked as far as Kanye West’s. I need to jump ship to hop onto another profession that has its image improving: drag queens.
“In the next few years, people will trust drag queens to not abuse their children. I need to get in on this profession now so I can abuse women under the guise of LGBTQ and free love. I get in on this trend now and gain the support of social justice warriors, I can have an army in a few years to defend me from #Me2.
“The tides are turning. And these tides are FABULOUS!”
Bickle doubled down on his career shift by releasing his new name: Divine Intervention.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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