Early warning signs of emotional abuse
Be honest. Is something off in your relationship? Make sure you’re not dealing with the early signs of something toxic.
by: E.B. Johnson
When we fall for someone new, we rarely take the time to see them as they really are. Instead, we rush headlong into our passions. We put on our rose-tinted glasses and ride the high of positive feelings that come with a new relationship. This can often disguise their true nature, though, or obscure the truth from our naïve eyes. Is your partner really a loving person? Or are you in the beginning days of an emotionally abusive relationship? When the warning lights go off, we have to be honest about the signs in front of us.
The early warning signs of emotional abuse.
Are you in an emotionally abusive relationship? Abuse isn’t usually something that happens overnight. It’s a pattern that increases in intensity gradually. When we land ourselves in partnerships with people who don’t have our best interests at heart, there’s always early warning signs we can be on the lookout for. If you’re already seeing signs of deceitful behavior and mean-spiritedness, then you need to be honest from the start.
Deceitful behavior
One of the earliest signs of a potentially manipulative or abusive partner is simply deceitful behavior. This happens in a couple of different ways. Initially, they may exaggerate their qualities or achievements — bragging about themselves or making claims that aren’t true. Then, they may outright lie and hide things behind your back. This shows someone who will hurt you to get their own way (or keep themselves comfortable).
Pushing the rush
Do you ever feel like your partner is rushing you into the next stage of your relationship? Do they pressure you into committing to things you don’t really want to do? If they rush you or push you into things that you aren’t really ready for, it could be an early warning sign of an abusive partner. Pushing and rushing shows a disrespect for both boundaries and your needs.
Untethered jealousy
Everyone experiences a brief twinge of jealousy from time-to-time, but the emotionally abusive partner takes it to another level. They get jealous over friends, relationships, and even your career. Whenever you take your time or focus away from them, they react negatively. Emotional abusers don’t like to be put on the back-burner and they don’t like to compete for your attention or affection.
Mean-spirited sarcasm
Sarcasm can add a bit of levity to a relationship, but it can also become a weapon to demean our partners. Does your partner or spouse use mean-spirited sarcasm against you? Maybe they use this sarcasm to make you feel bad about your friends, your family, or how you dress. This kind of sarcasm has an edge to it, and rather than making us laugh, it makes us feel bad about who we are or what we want. It’s not a “joke” when you aren’t laughing.
Blaming games
What happens when issues arise in your relationship? Do you and your partner work as a team to take accountability and fix things? Or does your spouse dodge responsibility by shifting all the blame onto you? Emotionally abusive people use blame shifting to tear apart their loved ones and batter them into line. This constant blame-gaming destroys. that person’s self-esteem and can keep them trapped in negative self-belief for years to come.
Playing superiority
Abusive partners assume control over their relationships; that’s the whole point of their toxic habits. In a bit of a chicken-and-egg situation, this place of power supplies them with a major ego boost (which encourages more controlling, manipulative, and abusive behaviors). The abuser comes to see themselves as superior and uses this superiority in order to justify the subjugating behaviors they use against their loved ones every day.
Sense of entitlement
Is there a genuine sense of entitlement with your spouse or your relationship? Abusive people — whether they are physically or emotionally abusive — like to be in control, and that control places them firmly in the heart of the attention. Their place at the center of the universe allows them to feel as though they are entitled to your time and your energy. When this is threatened, they can react by lashing out and punishing their partners.
Petty interactions
Petty interactions come standard with the emotionally abusive partner. It’s one way in which they make sure they can maintain control over you and your behavior. When they engage in petty behavior, they make a big deal out of things that don’t matter. These major emotional blowups create an atmosphere in which you are forced to either curb your behavior and beliefs, or hide yourself and walk on eggshells in order to avoid explosions.
Endless resentment
Does your partner treat you with resentment and contempt? What happens when you don’t give them what they want? What happens when you prioritize your needs over theirs? A partner who resents you for everything you do for yourself (and anything you do for them) will turn those feelings against you. This leads to skirmishes and bubbling negativity that festers into a toxic environment for everyone involved.
What to do when the warning lights are going off.
Are the warning lights going off in your relationship? Do you suspect that your partner is emotionally abusive? You can’t afford to ignore the signs or what your subconscious is trying to tell you. Take action and make sure that you shift your perspective, find some support, and free yourself from their clutches before it’s too late.
1. Shift perspective immediately
The first step in course correcting out of an emotionally abusive partnership involves seeing the relationship for what it really is. You can’t keep shoving the alarm bells under the covers. That won’t silence the danger that your subconscious is already seeing. Instead of trying to ignore the warning signs, you need to face them bravely. Admit who your partner is so that you can get focused on someone who truly loves you for who you are.
Root yourself in reality and see your relationship and partner for what it really is. Pretending that things are perfect won’t make your loved one change. It won’t make you feel better in the long run, and it won’t bring you the happy ending you’re trying to find.
Shift your perspective before you do anything else positive for yourself. It’s difficult to take off the rose-tinted glasses, but it’s necessary. Accept that your partner isn’t the perfect person you tried to convince yourself they were. See them as the same imperfect person as you are. They are not above you, and they certainly aren’t above making mistakes. We’re human. We all get things wrong and fall into toxic patterns. See it in your relationship and accept it so that you can take action to free yourself into happiness.
2. Build up a support network
It’s virtually impossible to extricate yourself from the clutches of an abuser without the support of a crowd that wants to see you thrive. Most commonly, this is because abusers keep us from seeing our true strength and needs. So, by opening up to our friends, we can further shift our perspective and get the support that we need to take action. Do you suspect that you are in the early stages of an emotionally abusive relationship? Ensure you have a support network.
Build a support network you can rely on through the process of moving forward. This should include friends and family who build you up, but it should also include any related professionals you can rely on for a solid support plan.
Reach out to a relationships expert, or even a mental health professional. Open up to them and explain what’s going on. When you find the right expert, they can put you back on a course to getting what you want out of love and life. At the same time, pull your closest friends and family to you. Surround yourself with people who lift you up; people who show you a more honest reflection of who you are (instead of the picture your abuser paints).
3. Re-focus your self-esteem
Self-esteem is key in getting ourselves free of an emotionally abusive relationship. You won’t get away from your partner unless you have a clear vision of what you’re freeing yourself for. This comes when we know who we are and value that person. Increase your self-esteem so that you have the strength to stand up to your abuser. It’s the only way you’ll tap into the courage you need to stand up for yourself.
Turn your focus off of your partner and back on your own sense of self-confidence. There is no freeing ourselves from an abusive relationship without firmly knowing who we are and what we want.
Instead of chasing your partner’s happiness (to keep peace) look at yourself. It’s time for you to increase your self-esteem. Embrace. yourself inside and out. Fall in love with your strengths and your weaknesses. When you fall in love with yourself, you take away power from your abuser. Take your time. Self-esteem doesn’t get rebuilt overnight. Lean into your social groups and do activities that make you feel strong and grounded in who they are.
4. Set some boundary lines
Our boundary lines are a crucial part of our relationships, but they disappear in the abusive relationship. That’s because abusive partners rely on crossing the line in order to assume control. They push you into places that make you uncomfortable, and disrespect your limits in order to make their power over you known. “I don’t have to respect you, because I’m in control,” is what the abuser tells us every time they manipulate and damage our emotional state.
Set some boundary lines between you and your abuser, and use this to create increased space in your relationship. They don’t have a right to disrespect you. They don’t have a right to push you into decisions or experiences that make you uncomfortable. Figure out how you want to feel in your relationship, and refuse to accept anything less than that treatment from your partner.
Question your needs, your values, and how you see your relationship standing. Draw a line around the behaviors and feelings you are and aren’t willing to accept. Once you’re clear on where your boundaries (and expectations) lie, sit your partner down and communicate those things. If you don’t feel comfortable communicating your boundaries, simply put them in place and remove. yourself from your partner’s presence any time they cross the line with you. People who can’t respect your boundaries don’t get access to your person.
5. Align freedom and happiness
Most of the people who find themselves in toxic or abusive relationships do so because they think they can “change” the other person. It’s a tempting belief to fall prey to. When we fall for someone, we want them to be the person we think they are. We think that if we just love them hard enough, they’ll see how they hurt us and change. But that’s not how real life works. If you want that ideal relationship you’ve been dreaming of, then the only thing that can bring us love is freedom.
Understand that the only way to be truly happy and safe is to get away from your abuser (or potential abuser). They will not change. They will not become nicer simply because you’ve made a commitment to them. The only safe way to deal with an abuser is to leave them behind us entirely.
Get rid of the rose-tinted glasses. Stop clinging to hope when their behavior is escalating. Value your own concrete happiness over the chance that they may one day realize. Know that you have a right to have a future with a partner you’re not compelled to fix. There is someone out there who already has what you want and what you need. Don’t waste your time putting effort into something that will never bring you fulfillment and move away from your abuser toward and more loving and rewarding future.
Putting it all together…
Are you in an emotionally abusive relationship? Although we don’t like to admit, there’s always early warning signs that things are not what they seem. Whether it’s a sneaky and deceitful nature, or an outright attempt to demean and control you — once you realize you’re in the early throes of an abusive partnership, you’re responsible for taking action to get yourself out of it.
Shift your perspective immediately and take off the rose-tinted glasses. See your partner for who they really are and accept the reality of your relationship, too. Build up a support network. Surround yourself with people who want to help you; people who want the best for you. Look for a professional too who can help you identify a plan to free yourself. Lean into your self-esteem. By building your self-confidence, you can find the courage to set yourself free. Set boundary lines and clarify that you won’t accept your partner disrespecting your needs and expectations. Ultimately, though, understand that the only way to guarantee happiness in abuse is to escape it. You can’t align yourself to a toxic person and expect to be happy. Find the strength to tap into your independence. That’s how you’ll find a love that truly lasts.
- Towler, A., Eivers, A., & Frey, R. (2017). Warning Signs of Partner Abuse in Intimate Relationships: Gender Differences in Young Adults’ Perceptions of Seriousness. Journal Of Interpersonal Violence, 35(7–8), 1779–1802. doi: 10.1177/0886260517696869
