Letting go of our need for control

Feel like your life is spinning into chaos? Letting go of your need to control everything might be the answer you’ve been looking for.

by: E.B. Johnson

As humans, we like to be on top of the food chain and we like to be in charge. This holds true from everything from the families we build to the careers we choose for ourselves. We like to be in charge of our lives, and that’s a natural thing. But what happens when this need for control goes too far? What happens when it crosses over into other aspects of our lives?

In order to build lives and relationships that bring us joy and contentment, we have to let go of our lingering control issues. Though we may be able to control our own lives, we are not able to control the lives of those around us. Trying to only brings us endless heartbreak and frustration. If we truly want to be happy, we have to find a way to make peace with the chaos and accept ourselves (and our loved ones) for exactly who they are.

You can’t control anyone but you.

Millions of people around the world deal with issues of control and manipulation every day. It’s a pretty human tendency, but one that can land us in a world of heartbreak and trouble. When we try to control other people, we push them away and force them to resent us. It’s not possible to control the thoughts, actions, beliefs, or behaviors of another person…no matter how hard you try. You can’t control anyone but yourself, and if you try it, things are going to blow up in your face.

So if you can’t control others, what are you meant to do with your simmering rage and need to critique? You need to turn that energy inward and focus it on projects you can tackle, like improving your mood or improving the way you communicate and connect with the world at large.

Do you want to get back on track and back into a place of steady peace in your life? Stop trying to micromanage every part of your existence and look to be present in the here and the now. There is a real power in realizing you’re not in charge of who other people decide to be. Look inward and focus on yourself. What do you need to fix? Put your energy there and stop looking for work in places where you clearly aren’t wanted or needed. We’re all our own saviors.

Spotting the warning signs of control issues.

Are you someone who suffers from some serious control issues? Do you want everything to go your way, at all times? In order to move beyond our tendency to control, we have to first spot the negative patterns in our lives that are leading us down these domineering paths. Getting over your compulsive need to boss everyone else around requires that you first understand your issues from the inside out.

Endless criticism

Are you someone who is always criticizing other people? When they tell you about a success, do you trying to “bring them back down” to reality? This trying to keep others small is a common sign of a controlling person, and a toxic one at that. It lends itself well to an insecure person (who — more than likely — criticizes themselves internally more than anyone else in their lives). Rather than be happy for others, they fear they will be left behind. So they strike out to keep these individuals stuck and small beside them in delusion.

Always keeping score

No healthy relationship can long survive the deadly habit of score keeping. This occurs when one (or both) partners keep a literal or mental record of all the effort they’ve ever made. They then throw this list in the other person’s face any time there’s a conflict, or their own questionable behavior has been thrown back at them. This deflection is meant to keep the other person “in line” through a sense of guilt which is both erroneous and poisonous.

Emotional manipulation

Emotional manipulation is another classic tactic commonly deployed by the controlling person. Rather than make demands or requests outright, this type of person will pull at the heartstrings or rage-pedals of the people they seek to gain something from. If you use your anger or your sadness to elicit emotion in other people, and then you use those emotions to take something or define behavior — you’re controlling those around you in the worst possible way.

Closed to view points

It will come as no surprise to those who know them, but controlling people are not generally those with the most open or progressive mind. Very often, the controlling person is not willing to hear anyone else’s point of view. In order for us to grow as people, we have to open up our minds and intentionally commit to seeing the world in a way which scares us (sometimes). Being closed off to a new way of seeing things only weakens the vantage point we have over our own lives and decisions.

Increasing in conflict

Are you and your partner fighting all the time? Do your friends constantly confront you about your bossy nature? Or bullying tactics? Increase in conflict is a classic sign that you might be causing some chaos in your own life. This chaos can come from many places, but it commonly stems from one person trying to control the other. Maybe you’ve decided to take the upper hand in an intimate relationship and it’s causing some serious issues in your partnership.

Willingness to bully

There is almost no lengths a controlling person won’t go to in order to get their way. They’ll emotionally manipulate anyone — including their loved ones. They’ll fight with others and even refuse to listen at all. For some, though, this willingness to get their way goes even further. It’s not unheard of for controlling people to show a willingness to bully. This bullying can be both covert and overt, but it happens willingly whenever it looks like the controlling person has no other means to victory.

Insidious teasing

Another subtle control technique is that of insidious teasing. This is a common one which controllers will even engage in while in public or around others. It occurs when they slowly begin poking fun at their spouse or loved one. The ribbing builds up until the person being teased is clearly uncomfortable and the teaser is clearly being passive aggressive. As the pressure mounts, the person being teased can experience extreme feelings of both guilt and humiliation that internalizes as self-loathing and a warped sense of self later.

Engaging in sabotage

Perhaps the most insidious technique we used to control others is that of sabotage. This happens when you go out of your way to take down the dreams of your loved ones. You might do this because those dreams would take them outside of your control. You might do it because their success makes you feel somehow insecure or insignificant. There’s a million different ways in which our insecurities can encourage us to sabotage the happiness and opportunity of those who we claim to love the most.

Letting go of your need for control once and for all.

The longer you hold on to this compulsive need to control everyone around you, the more alone you will wind up being. Controlling people push loved ones away from them, and they push away opportunity too. Once we accept this, we can take action and put a stop to our patterns before they become something far too challenging to overcome.

1. Take notice of controlling behavior

First, you have to take note of your controlling behavior and how it impacts both you and those around you. The worst lashing out usually happens after a major disappointment or even some kind of unexpected upset. By becoming familiar with these patterns (and the triggers for our most controlling behaviors) we can stop them early on and replace them with more positive habits that bring us more positive feedback from the world at large.

Step back and honestly analyze your behaviors. Think of all those times a friend or a loved one called you “bossy” or “controlling”. What were you doing in those moments and why were you doing it? Were you forcing someone outside of their comfort zone? Or were you simply pushing yourself out of yours?

Make a note of every time you pushed someone to do what you wanted, simply because it was what you wanted to do. Make a note of how you feel afterward and how your relationship with that person worked in the wake of the conflict. In order for us to overcome our controlling behavior, we first have to see it, mark it, and know it as ours. Then, we can take positive action to revert the course of our behavior in life and in love.

2. Get beneath the root causes of it

Believe it or not, a great deal of our belief and superstition comes from the historically rooted experiences of our pasts. We often feel a compulsive need to control as a result of feeling as though we are out of control in other aspects of our lives. Perhaps you lived in a childhood dominated by an all-powerful parent that called the shots, or a partner who loomed large over every decision you were forced to make.

Look to your past to discover the root causes behind your need to control yourself and others. What moments led you to believe that you had to be in charge of everyone and everything else? Are you trying to control others because you feel like you yourself are out of control physically, emotionally, or spiritually?

As humans, we’re always looking for the balance — and control is no different. When the level of control we exert over our own lives is out-of-whack (aka we aren’t given enough power in our own lives) we will seek to balance out that power. Pull back and look at the entirety of your life for what it truly is. You’re not responsible for everyone else, and you never were. Worry about your own journey and work out past pains so you can move forward in sovereignty.

3. Be honest about the results you’re getting

A lot of controlling people maintain their delusion by pretending that their illusion of control brings happiness. They cling to this hope and use it to justify their need to “make life better” for other people. “If you would do what I said, this wouldn’t have happened…” The problem here, though, is that they are rarely honest about the reality of their results. Are your relationships really better for pushing other people around? You need to be honest about the results you’re getting.

Look around and take an inventory of where you’re at in your life. Is this where you want to be? Are your relationships everything you want them to be? How far is the endless criticism, bossing, and bullying really getting you? Is all the manipulation getting you any closer to real and lasting happiness? It’s time to be honest about the results your behavior is getting you.

If you’re not where you want to be in your life, consider the fact that your need to control other people might be to blame. At the end of the day, all any of us want to do is a live a peaceful life that works for us. We want to be seen and heard, but we also want to call our own shots and provide ourselves with the type of life that helps us thrive. The only way for us to get there is by looking reality bravely in the face and accepting it for what it is.

4. Plant yourself squarely in reality

We’re all moving through this world, experiencing a shared reality. The strange thing about this journey, though, is that we all tend to perceive that reality differently. While your friends might see you as controlling, bossy, or manipulative, you might see yourself as overly concerned and caring. Perception goes a long way in defining both our behaviors and our belief systems. In order to move past our controlling nature, we have to plant ourselves squarely in a new reality, though.

It’s impossible to control others, and if you try — you will only delay their journey and destroy yours. You can’t change who other people decide to be. We’re all in control of our own futures. The only thing you can do is focus on your internal controls and ensure that you’re doing the best that you can for the people you love most in your life.

Stop trying to shape reality into what you think it should be. Stop demanding that your loved ones fall into line. Stop insisting that they see the world exactly as you do. Instead, trying getting a better vantage point and rethinking your approach entirely. Who are you right now? Who are they? Are you pushing people away with your need to push them around? Are you lonelier than you care to admit to yourself? All of these play a role, but you can’t fix them until you accept your reality for what it actually is.

5. Reshape the way you play the game

We live in a strange society, which seems to hyper-focus on instant gratification and superficial connections that collapse at the first sight of a challenge. Life is a game, but it’s one that we’ve been taught to play forever in the offensive. That doesn’t help us let go of a controlling nature, though. If we really want to unlock the secret of a happier, healthier future, we have to reshape the way we play the game and the way in which we relate to others.

Instead of trying to control other people, seek to understand them. Employ all Use this empathy and this compassion to build stronger and more honest relationships, rather than trying to force people into the corners that work best for you. Just as you want to be understood and allowed your freedom, gift that freedom to others.

We invest in the people who allow us to be ourselves. We love those who truly love themselves, and use that love to empower the world around them. Attempting to control someone is not love, and it’s a path which can never lead to success. The only way to get where we want to go is by reshaping the way we see life and the style we use to play within it. Stop trying to push others along the board and accept your place as a pawn within the same game.

Putting it all together…

Have you ever been called a controlling person? This type of behavior is toxic and can seriously corrode our closest relationships. In order to build connections that are stable and long-lasting, we have to let go of our need to control others. We are the only ones we are capable of controlling. Embrace that truth and focus inward. How can you let go of this compulsion and get closer to the people you love?

Take notice of your controlling behavior, and pay attention also to any underlying causes which might be feeding this compulsive desire to tell others what to do. Dig deep into these root causes and cut ties with the chains that are keeping you stuck in past insecurities. Be honest with yourself about the results you’re getting. What is your controlling behavior really getting you? Is it helping your relationships or hindering them with contempt? Plant yourself squarely in reality and accept who you are and what you need to work on. You are not capable of controlling anyone else’s life. Focus on your own and allow your loved ones to sort out their own futures. Rather that trying to tell people what to do, seek to understand where they’re coming from and offer help where you can.