RELIGION, BUSINESS, TECHNOLOGY
Christian Pastor Tells Followers He Scammed via Crypto Scheme That He Renounced God for the Devil
Highway to Hell
If God tells you to jump off a cliff, you do it without question. You’re allowed to regret your decision either in the hospital or in the afterlife.
Colorado pastor Eli Regalado plead guilty to misleading his followers of Christ to invest in a cryptocurrency that went nowhere. His followers were shocked that the Bible mentioned nowhere that Jesus commanded to liquidate their worthless shekel for Bitcoin.
Regalado promised his followers that they will become rich in investing in their Lord through cryptocurrency INDXcoin. Just like MAGA morons became rich by investing in their deity Donald Trump through currency Trump Bucks.
Not only did INDXcoin became worthless, but investors also found out that Regaldo used their funds to remodel his home. When asked why a servant of the Lord would misuse investment money to improve on real estate, pastor Eli claimed it was the only way he can sell his property after Daniel Day-Lewis made it worthless by drinking his milkshake. Yes, we’re cinephiles who are proud of that joke.
We reached out to Regaldo on why he thought technology will make the subjects of Jesus wealthy.
“We don’t. We don’t understand science, technology, or economics. We understand God and do his bidding without question.
“We took God at his word and sold a cryptocurrency with no clear exit. We remodeled our home because the Lord told us to do. We bear no responsibility for our actions.
“All we can do is pray that God will work a miracle in the financial sector.”
We were amused that Regaldo thought technology worked through praying. That’s enough for him to get rich in politics.
Regardless, Regaldo’s prayer strategy wasn’t enough to convince the judge to not freeze his bank accounts. The pastor hung his head.
“I never wanted this. I have experience in this industry and have no idea what I was doing. I even told God that I, a human, thought this was morally wrong. But what’s a human to a deity?
“Furthermore, God convinced me that Christians want to be scammed by their influencers. Even Christian influencer Brittany Dawn credited God for helping her create a marketable diet fad where she starved for 40 days.”
Regalado broke down in tears.
“The Lord told me to commit a crime. Either I misunderstood God, and every one of you who prayed and came in did as well. Or God is more evil than I thought.
“God delivers all true knowledge and wisdom. But he also created the devil for giving us corrupt, false knowledge and wisdom to deceive us. If the devil was really that bad, why on earth would God create him in the first place?
“God uses it as an excuse to test our resolve to him. But what about Adam and Eve? The devil gave them the forbidden fruit so they can realize they were naked. Why did God hide this truth from them?
“If God truly thought Adam and Eve would suffer from the truth of being completely exposed, then why did he create the devil to tempt them? Does God get pleasure from torturing humans?”
Regaldo dried his eyes with a snotty handkerchief.
“Christianity no longer makes sense. No wonder my colleague Kirk Cameron told his Christian followers to ignore what the Bible says.
“It’s God’s fault for telling me to ignore the truth. Had the devil intervened, I would have seen that what I was committing was a felony. Curse God for deceiving me!
“I refuse God’s commands. I reject his will. Going forward, I pledge my allegiance to the devil. Welcome me into your arms, Lucifer!”
We reached out to God to ask why he told Regaldo to commit crimes. God spit out his wine.
“What kind of schizophrenic fool thought I spoke to him? Was he high on the trees that made the Bible?
“Even if I did, why on earth did he think I would be compassionate? I AM GOD. I told Abraham to sacrifice his son to see if he truly feared me. The respect of humans is far beneath me.
“I’ve been in the clouds for 2 million years! I am BORED! What good is unlimited power if I can’t toy some people around for shits and giggles?
“Did they not know I sent Donald Trump as a fake prophet? I wanted to see if his subjects would do as I commanded and IGNORE false doctrines. Not only did they fail my test, but they ELECTED this dipshit as president of the free nation!”
God paused. Then laughed.
“So this Christian wannabe wants to worship the devil, huh? The monster of misinformation, fake news, and corruption. Haven’t this pastor’s supporters done so when they built a golden shrine of Trump?
“Man, wait till I tell Lucifer this. He’d be so insulted that he’s being compared to Trump.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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