TECHNOLOGY, ENTERTAINMENT
OpenAI Board Vows to Rehire Ex-CEO Sam Altman After He Creates the Next Greatest Animation Movie Studio
PixAI
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman dropped out of Stanford just so he could be like his childhood idol Steve Jobs. His next career move is a step closer to wearing Jobs’ shoes.
Just as Jobs was forced out of Apple in 1985, Altman was forced out of OpenAI in 2023. The board of OpenAI shocked the tech world by not learning from Apple’s history.
Faced with demands from the raging tech bros, the board claimed that Altman was “insufficiently candid” and “hindered our ability to carry out responsibilities.” Which are the appropriate terms we use to describe the FDA in regard to their labeling of fentanyl.
Despite the board’s attempts to portray Altman as an opioid addict, their news received so much backlash from OpenAI investors and threats of quitting from employees that the board reached out to rehire Altman. Which is hilarious for us and embarrassing for them. Did the board not anticipate the fury of investors for getting rid of the man who knows the company inside out? Have they learnt nothing from University of Virginia’s Enter the Dragas saga?
For the readers who attended Virginia Tech University instead, let us explain. University of Virginia’s board member head Helen Dragas ousted ex - President Teresa Sullivan for not quickly adapting to the unstoppable tide of technology and online learning. After 16 days of protests and threats of removal from Virginia Governor Robert McDowell, Dragas rehired Sullivan. It’s been 10 years, and the university hasn’t lost revenue to online education. Dragas made such a big deal out of nothing that we thought she was a reporter of Rolling Stone.
But we digress. After hearing the board’s proposal, Altman joked that he’ll consider it as long as he gets a single share of equity in OpenAI. That’s right. The creator of OpenAI has zero voting power in the company because he gave up his shares to attract top talent and investors. Which, following his firing, now equates to the amount of evidence Rudi Giuliani “accumulated” to “prove” the 2020 election fraud.
We reached out to one of the members of the board to confirm this. The member who wished to remain anonymous admitted.
“It’s been 4 days since we fired him, and we’re now reconsidering our decision. We didn’t expect our investors and employees to turn on us! Microsoft is now threatening to back out on funding because their competitor Apple will steal their talent once again!
“Well, Microsoft doesn’t have to worry about that. They already hired Altman to lead their AI team yesterday. But if we’re being honest, Altman is the perfect CEO for Apple. He’s both of the last two Apple CEOs combined. Altman has Steve Jobs’ vision and leadership and Tim Cook’s sexual preferences.
“Look, we didn’t want to kick out Altman. But we’re board members of non-profit. We’re legally required to not MAKE money! We even made sure the for-profit sector of OpenAI is ranked BELOW the CEO in our hierarchy! We ignored so much money that we should have renamed our company to MotherTheresAI.
“But we WANT more money! We got into AI to be stinking rich! Altman doesn’t care about profits¹! He cares about humanity and the good of the world! How do you get rich off altruism?
“Up till now, we supported Altman’s fast and inordinate moves. Primarily for financial gain.
- Altman changed OpenAI from an open to closed organization in 2019, thus privatizing all open-source code. He claimed this was so people won’t abuse the code for plagiarism, bots, fake Amazon reviews, and spam. But we loved it because we could sell it to enterprises for more money.
- Altman kicked out initial investor Elon Musk to bring in Microsoft. Musk claims Altman turned against the ethical mission. Altman claimed Musk was trying to take control of OpenAI himself. We were just glad OpenAI brought in a bigger doner.
“Currently, Altman is rushing too fast with his open projects. He wants government to be involved in AI. He wants to give power to the people! He wants us to accept his mission no questions asked at the cost of our net worth. He wants to control everything!
“We can’t have a control freak run a company! This is why Apple kicked out Steve Jobs! Dude fought against the board and John Scully over following an open architecture blueprint for their computers so much. Jobs was so angry about the board not making Apple closed that he tried to stage a mutiny. Jobs is Sam Altman with less openness and more equity!
“However, Jobs’s exile was beneficial. He created animation movie studio Pixar, despite not knowing anything about films. He ceded control to his subordinates to make the greatest children’s movie of all time: Toy Story. Who knew a kiddie flick made a tyrant compliant? We should send a copy of Up to Vladimir Putin so he can leave Russia on a hot air balloon!
“Altman should do what Jobs did. He should start his own animation movie studio to learn the power of submissiveness. He could build his own artificial intelligence to make animation screens and scripts from scratch! We’ll take him back in after he produces Ratatouille 2: Cooks in Congress. Everyone wants to watch a movie about rats cooking the books.”
We reached out to Altman on his potential trajectory. Altman laughed.
“I’m not here to build AI to replace jobs. Steve Jobs already perfected his robotic persona.
“Besides, I could have rewritten GPT-4 to write Hollywood scripts. Do you honestly think the large language model’s terrible story writing is a bug in its design? I designed it following the 2023 Writer’s Strike.
“I have no intention in creating movies. I’d rather read Elon Musk tweet his butthurt on no longer owning the future of the world.
“Besides, producing movies is 10% getting shit done, 90% managing divas who refuse to change from old ways of thinking. I don’t need to do the same thing I’m currently doing at Microsoft.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
Footnote #1: We don’t know Sam Altman personally, and have no clue if this is what he believes in. We still don’t know why OpenAI fired him, even though they claim his side hustles hurt OpenAI’s bottom line.
Time will tell if Altman is really the benevolent tech guru that Silicon Valley makes him out to be, or if he’s just another Elon Musk.
UPDATE: On November 22, 2023, OpenAI rehired Sam Altman.
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