4 Ways Narcissistic Abuse Tanks Your Self-Confidence (And What You Can Do About It)

It’s a lot easier than you think…

Here I was sitting in a restaurant, five hungry kids in tow, the waitress ready to take our order, and I was like a deer in the headlights. I couldn’t decide what to order. I had her start with the kids. That bought me a little more time.

My internal dialogue was brutal and the more I tried to hurry myself, the harder it was to decide. “Go left. Go right. Just make a decision,” I silently screamed at myself.

Here I was on the nation’s Best Doctors™ list, an acclaimed physician, and I couldn’t decide what to order for dinner. I wasn’t confident in my ability to make “the right” decision.

It didn’t stop there. I second-guessed myself about everything — what to wear, whether to accept or decline an invitation, how to respond to an email. It was exhausting.

Looking back, I can’t say it was unexpected. In fact, I hear similar stories from other survivors.

Now, years later through my own narcissistic abuse recovery and my work with thousands of others, I’ve distilled the impact of narcissistic abuse on self-confidence down to four things.

#1 You don’t trust yourself

After years, even decades of tolerating abuse, of ignoring red flags, of dismissing the signs of betrayal, you no longer trust yourself at a deep, core level. Sure, you may trust your professional competency, but you no longer trust you.

The way you see it, you allowed yourself to be hurt. You chose to stay for too long. You chose to turn a blind eye to the household finances and lost big. You wouldn’t trust yourself to watch the neighbor’s hamster, much less make a sound decision about your own well-being.

You’re not confident in your ability to choose wisely.

#2 You don’t trust others

You were a trusting soul — once. Not anymore. You got burned. And it wasn’t just the narcissist you found you couldn’t trust. It was their flying monkeys — your former friends and family — the people you thought loved you.

You wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust again. Most days, it doesn’t seem possible.

You’re uncertain of others’ motives. You’re uncertain of others’ competency. You’re not confident you’re able to discern the truth.

#3 You need to be in control but don’t know where you’re going

After ceding control of your environment, finances, well-being, decision-making, thoughts, and even emotions, to the narcissist for so long, you never want to make that mistake again.

Yet to feel in control, you need a clear path, you need to know what to do. And that clarity is hard to come by. Without a process to create it, you’re stuck in the never-ending loop of “on the one hand,” “but on the other hand.”

You’ve taken control of your ship, but you’re not confident you know where you’re going.

#4 You fear making a mistake

You don’t know the right answer. You don’t trust your ability to make a good decision. You don’t want to be wrong — again. You feel more certain you’ll make a mistake than get it right.

You’re not comfortable moving forward or trying something new until you’re sure you can do it perfectly. And therein lies the never-ending analysis paralysis because that day will never come.

It’s not that you’ll never be able to do it well. It’s that you’ll never achieve mastery without taking that first step. And without certainty of success, you lack the confidence to try.

Confidence vs Self-Confidence

Confidence and self-confidence are distinct, yet two sides of the same coin. Both reflect your belief in your ability to succeed, get results, or even just handle whatever comes your way. Confidence is based on tangible life experiences and your external reality. Self-confidence, on the other hand, is all internal. It’s the beliefs you hold about yourself regardless of your history, experience, or evidence.

Self-confidence, which we’ve discussed above, is a mystifying concept to those looking from the outside in. You can be brilliant and successful, with a very decorated career, yet fiercely believe you’re not good enough. You can be loved by all yet believe you’re unlovable.

While deep inner work, transforming the internal, is the key to transforming your external world, it’s a tough place to start. It’s not like you can just decide to believe you’re enough, right?

What can you do instead?

Focus on building your confidence. It sounds counter-intuitive to work on the external when the internal is such a hot mess, yet increasing your confidence — even in small things — provides new evidence for your inner work. It chips away at those false internal beliefs.

I share three tangible steps to maximize your confidence in my free masterclass. Plus, there’s a bonus step specifically for narcissistic abuse survivors.

Conclusions and Takeaways

Narcissistic abuse crushes your self-confidence, making it hard to make even simple decisions. Learning to trust yourself, learning to trust others, getting clear, and allowing yourself to make mistakes comes through deep, inner work. It requires rewriting your subconscious, false beliefs.

Increasing your confidence by experiencing success and external results helps with this process. Confidence, unlike self-confidence, can be maximized in simple, tangible steps that do not require uprooting or changing long-held beliefs. This provides new experiences and evidence to aid in your inner work.

I’ve fallen in love with inner work and maximizing my confidence continues to guide my process to this day. I want you to fall in love with discovering you because you know what? You’re absolutely amazing.

If you want to help to increase your confidence, I invite you to access my free 5-part masterclass here.

Disclaimer: This is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact survivors break free from the longstanding aftereffects of narcissistic abuse. Access her FREE 5-part Hack the Confidence Rollercoaster Masterclass for a limited time.