32 Things I Want My Sons to Know About Sex

Because I’m not just worried about my girls

My mother gave me a sex talk when I was quite young, before I even really understood what sex was.

But at least I got a talk. I don’t remember my brother ever getting one.

My parents didn’t seem all that concerned with him. They imposed a curfew on me and refused to let me sleep over at parties in case I decided to have sex.

(It didn’t stop me — I just had afternoon sex with my boyfriends and quickies at parties.)

My brother got to stay out as late as he wanted to, though, and he could sleep wherever he damn pleased. Even though he was younger than me, my parents gave him more freedom.

Unlike my brother, my husband did get a sex talk. Though his dad only sat him down for one more than a year after he lost his virginity.

Again, they just didn’t seem that concerned. They saw him go through a one-year relationship with an older girl and still didn’t think talking to him about sex was urgent.

I don’t feel that way at all. When it comes to sex, I’m concerned about my boys, not just my girls.

In some ways, I worry about them more.

My responsibility to raise little gentlemen weighs on me a lot. I want to find the right balance between helping them express their desires and have fulfilling sex lives without any of the toxic bullshit that can come with that.

I know there are a lot of things my husband wishes someone more experienced had told him about sex and his body — though maybe not his dad and definitely not one year too late.

And I can’t help but wonder how my life would have been different if the people I dated and hooked up with had been given a really solid sex talk long before they ran into me.

My sons are 9 and 2. They’re my oldest and youngest children. I’ve got plenty of time to prepare for a sex talk with my toddler, but my oldest is about to have some questions — and there are probably a few questions I should preempt.

He isn’t ready to learn everything he should know yet, but I need to be ready. Here are some of the things I want my sons to know before they start having sex.

What I Want My Sons to Know About Sex

1. Blue balls are real, but they’re never an excuse to pressure someone into sex. You can experience discomfort from a build-up of pressure, but you can (and should) take care of it yourself by masturbating.

2. If you want to be good at sex, learn to be good at everything that leads up to sex. Work on your game. Get better at flirting. Improve your communication skills. Learn how to kiss well, tease playfully, and connect deeply. If you can do all that, you can build anticipation and arousal, and those matter almost as much as what you’ll actually do when the sex gets going.

3. No means no, but other things mean no, too. “I don’t know” almost always means no. “Maybe” sometimes means no. And even a “yes,” if it’s a reluctant “yes,” can really mean no. If you don’t get a clear and enthusiastic signal when you’re looking for consent, you’ll have to wait it out. Let your partner decide for themselves when they’re ready. Taking a maybe as your opportunity to get your way is fucking gross. Don’t be fucking gross.

4. Always carry condoms and know how to use them. Using a condom isn’t super complicated, but it can be easy to mess up. The three things you need to remember are to use lube (a drop on the inside and some of the outside), pinch the reservoir tip, and make sure you roll it on the right way. Practice ahead of time.

5. Never push anyone’s head down. It’s not an acceptable way to ask for a blowjob.

6. Sex isn’t a competitive game. The point isn’t to score as much of your pleasure as you can while giving out as little as you have to. Giving is part of the fun. Making your partner feel good is part of the fun. Aim to give them more pleasure than you’re receiving and you’ll definitely have a better time.

7. If you have sex with women, understand the role the clit plays in sexual gratification. Penetrative sex shouldn’t always be the focal point. Understand what kind of stimulation she needs to get off and make sure you give it to her.

8. Don’t mislead girls so they’ll sleep with you. It’s easy to act like you’re falling for someone just so you can get in their pants. Sometimes, it actually works, but no one is going to feel good about it after. Girls don’t stop being human just because you want to fuck them, so don’t use them as a means to your ends.

9. Good sex is based on communication, vulnerability, and playfulness. You might think the right way to be sexy is to act cool, aloof, and stoic, but your best move is always to not take yourself too seriously, open up, and be honest about what you want, what you feel, and what you need.

10. There’s no shame in masturbating. In fact, it can be a good thing to do before a date. It’s also a great way to deal with sexual frustration. Hell, even if you just want help relaxing or falling asleep, go for it.

11. Your worth as a man is not based on your age when you start fucking, how often you fuck, or how many people you fuck.

12. Your partners will find your body attractive. You’ll get a lot of messages about how no one likes looking at dicks and that men’s bodies just aren’t attractive. Don’t buy it. People who are into you will want to see you and there’s no reason to be embarrassed about your body or act like your partner doesn’t have eyeballs.

13. Don’t send a dick pic unless you’re asked to. Okay, yes, some people will want to see your body, but not everyone will. If someone wants to see it, they’ll ask to see it. And when you do send a dick pic, keep your face out of the picture, trust me!

14. Don’t push your partner’s boundaries. You’ll probably want to try all sorts of things that occur to you or that you’ve seen in porn, but not everyone is going to be comfortable trying everything with you. Be honest about what you want, but don’t try to talk someone into doing something they’re not interested in. If they don’t want to do anal or don’t want to find out what being deepthroated is like, respect it and don’t keep pressing them.

15. Porn can be great, but it’s fantasy material. Porn has a lot of entertainment value and it’s great to get off to, but real life sex is rarely like porn sex. And porn sex isn’t even always all that enjoyable.

16. Never skip foreplay. Never cut the foreplay short, either. And never treat foreplay like it’s not good enough. Sometimes, great sex is all the stuff that goes on during foreplay and nothing more.

17. Only fuck people on the sober side. People who are really wasted might agree to have sex because of the state they’re in, but you don’t want to be a decision they regret, and you don’t want to make them do anything they’ll regret. If you were hoping to fuck someone who got way too drunk, give them your sympathy, be there for them, help them get a cab or a ride home if they need to, and call them in the morning to see how they’re doing. If they’re open to sleeping with you, you’ll have more opportunities to hook up with them.

18. Carry lube. Use lube. Seriously, it makes everything better and easier. It’s not a substitute for arousing your partner. It’s not a substitute for foreplay. It’s just a really simple way to make sex more enjoyable. Masturbate with it, too, and you’ll see what I mean.

19. Sex doesn’t always go as planned. You can lose your nerve or lose your erection. You can ejaculate much sooner than you hoped for or not ejaculate at all. You can get in your head instead of being in the moment and feel a ton of performance anxiety. The best thing you can do is not worry about it too much, say out loud what you’re feeling or what your body is doing (or not doing), and find a way for you and your partner to keep having fun. There’s always a way to keep things moving.

20. Sex doesn’t end with your orgasm. There are plenty of things you can do after coming, and you should be ready to do them. You don’t want your partner walking away from the experience dissatisfied with your performance. Make sure everyone has their fill before you’re done.

21. If you have sex with women, be aware that you’re in a power position. Never take advantage of that. Listen to their needs and desires instead of dictating them. Don’t act entitled to getting your way or for sex to go a certain way.

22. Learn to pleasure yourself in different ways. It’s easy to get in a jerk-off rut, but you should find ways to fully enjoy your body and the different sensations you can get through it. Plus, death grip is a real thing and you don’t want to stop your partners from getting you off in all sorts of interesting ways.

23. Don’t kiss and tell. Seriously, you might want to brag, but it can be pretty damn trashy.

24. Don’t take rejection personally, and don’t take it out on the person rejecting you. Anyone who doesn’t want to sleep with you or go on a date with you has their reasons and those reasons are good enough. It doesn’t mean you’re not good enough and it isn’t a personal affront. And sometimes, it’s just a matter of safety — just because you don’t have bad intentions doesn’t mean others shouldn’t keep their guard up.

24. Your dick size doesn’t matter as much as you think it does. If you’re on the smaller side, it doesn’t mean you can’t be really impressive in bed. If you’re on the bigger side, it doesn’t automatically make you a stud. In fact, the bigger you are, the more challenging it can be to give someone a comfortable and satisfying sexual experience.

25. Sex toys aren’t just for women. Sleeves, cockrings, and prostate toys all exist to help you enhance your pleasure and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with using them.

26. Don’t be threatened by your partner’s sex toys. Dildos and vibrators are a way to make sex more interesting and to make masturbation more pleasurable. No one would ever get rid of or turn down a good partner just because they have a really good wand or rabbit.

27. Don’t kink shame anyone. Whenever you hook up with someone, date someone, or sleep with someone, you’ll discover that they have their own unique preferences and fantasies. You don’t have to accommodate all of them, but you do have to be chill about it.

28. Ask for, and listen to, feedback about how you’re doing. Don’t get defensive. Take the feedback as an opportunity to get better, to expand your skills, and how to give pleasure more effectively.

29. Don’t worry about the gender of the people you’re attracted to. Love is love. Desire is desire. There’s no reason to feel weird about it or overthink it. Just embrace those feelings.

30. Let people down gently. You’ll need to reject people, but there’s no reason to hurt their feelings anymore than you have to. Rejection hurts enough as it is. But also be clear about what you’re doing. Don’t make them feel like there’s hope if there isn’t — that will only hurt them more in the long run.

31. Casual sex is okay but it should still be respectful. Don’t act like you’re just collecting notches on your nightstand. Casual sex isn’t an excuse to act selfish. It can be giving, loving, and even romantic.

32. You can always talk to me. Don’t wait until you feel like you’re in over your head. If you’re ever curious about anything, need anything, or just want some advice, I’m here for you — without any judgment.

Setting My Boys on the Right Path

I don’t want the only sex talk my sons get to be about avoiding STIs and making sure they don’t knock someone up.

I want them to come of age knowing that sex should be fun, enthusiastic, and respectful.

I want them to hear no without getting defensive. I want them to know that rejection hurts but it’s not personal.

I want them to take their pleasure seriously and their partner’s pleasure seriously, too.

And I want them to always feel like they can open up sexually without shame or embarrassment.

I know some of it is beyond my control, but if they can learn a lot of the things on this list before they’re too old, they can at least have a good start.

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