How to Get Consent Without Killing the Mood

Yes, asking can be sexy

Sexual consent is one of those things that seems pretty simple and straightforward to me and most of the women I know, but that still seems to puzzle a lot of men.

In fact, when researching this article, I came across many guys who are skeptical that asking for consent could ever work in their favor.

They would say things (in the comment sections, naturally) like:

There’s no sexy way to ask for consent. It kills the mood.

Asking for consent is emasculating.

Women don’t actually want men to ask.

Whenever I come across comments like that (which is sadly very frequently), I assume that one of two things is going on here: these guys don’t understand consent or they have a really narrow idea of what counts as asking.

Or maybe they just don’t understand women — but that’s a whole other topic that I can’t get into here.

From personal experience, I know that asking for consent can be very sexy.

I’ve had married sex, short-term relationship sex, group sex with my husband involved, hookups, friends with benefits, and one-night stands. In every single case, the ones I was most attracted to and the ones who made me want to get down and get really dirty were the ones who made me feel safe and respected.

Securing my consent wasn’t some awkward thing that sucked the sexy air out of the room. It felt more like part of foreplay.

My personal experience also taught me that not asking for consent can royally kill the mood.

Or, you know, result in date rape or absolutely miserable sexual encounters.

So, I thought it might be helpful to go over a few different ways guys (though ladies can use these, too) can ask for consent while still keeping things hot — or even making things hotter.

Ask Her Explicitly

I want to get this one out of the way. Just flat out asking isn’t the only way to ask for consent, and it’s not always the sexiest option, but it’s simple and effective.

When you’re at the end of a date, it’s fine to just straight up ask “Can I kiss you?”

Or if you’re making out and you want to take it a bit further, you can go ahead and ask “Is it okay if I take your shirt off?”

And if you want to go all the way, “Do you want to take this to the bedroom?” is a classic for a reason.

I know these are obvious, but I wanted to go over them because they don’t take a lot of extra charm to pull off. If you can string together a complete sentence and inflect your voice to make it sound like a question, you’re able to ask for consent in a way that will not kill the mood.

And if she says no, trust me, it’s not because asking killed the mood. She’s saying no because she’s just not ready, not interested, or not comfortable going as far as you’re asking her to.

And that’s the whole point of asking for consent: to empower her to make a choice.

Tell Her What You Want

Sometimes, asking doesn’t come in the form of a question. You can just sort of float the idea by telling your partner what you want and seeing how she reacts.

Instead of asking if you can take her shirt off, you can tell her, “You’re so fucking gorgeous. I’d love to see your body.”

If you’re grinding against each other after dinner and you say, “I’d really like to fuck you right now,” she’ll know what you’re implying. She doesn’t think you’re just making idle chit chat.

If she wants to fuck, she’ll give you the green light — either by saying that she’d like to fuck you too or by, well, fucking you.

If she doesn’t, then she’ll either ignore the remark or tell you that she’s not ready.

And that’s what’s great about securing consent this way. Not asking directly puts a bit less pressure on her — if she’s not interested, she can just gently acknowledge or respond to what you said and the mood doesn’t shift.

Ask Her What She Wants

Conversely, you could simply ask her what she wants.

There’s this pervasive myth that every woman is like some sexual damsel in distress — she never wants to be in the lead and she wants to have every decision made for her.

That’s bullshit. Lots of women love to take charge. And plenty more like to feel like no one’s in charge, and that you’re both figuring things out together.

These women will fucking love hearing you ask them “Is there anything you want me to do to you?” or “Why don’t you tell me what you want.”

And the rest, the ones who don’t want to be in the lead at all? They won’t be fazed by this approach. They know how to gently lob the ball back into your court.

I know because I’ve done it countless times. I often like being in the lead now, but I used to be a lot more submissive (or downright passive) during sex. When someone asked me what I wanted, I would just say something like “I’m not sure. What do you think we should do?”

But even when I was putting the reins back in their hands, I still appreciated being asked. It made me feel respected, and that was hot.

Ask About Her Comfort Levels

This is another way of asking that feels indirect but really isn’t.

It works for some of your basic consent requests, like “Are you comfortable with me going down on you?”

But it works especially well if you want to go beyond the basic trifecta of manual, oral, and penetrative sex.

Directly asking “Can I fuck your ass?” is a bit more jarring than asking “How comfortable are you with anal?” And “Can I choke you?” is way more likely to destroy the mood than “How do you feel about breath play?”

But what I really like about this is that it doesn’t frame the request in terms of what she’s willing to do, but asks how much she wants to do them.

Basically, it’s not just a way to get her consent — it also gives her an opportunity to give enthusiastic consent.

Look for Nonverbal Cues

I’m going to include this here, but honestly, it’s advanced level stuff. It’s easy to fuck up, so I don’t recommend using it on one-night stands or random flings. It’s best reserved for when it’s not your first time having sex with someone.

And the reason it’s advanced is that it’s slower and more subtle.

When you look for nonverbal cues, you have to progress slowly. Instead of reaching up to grope her tits, you slowly ease your hand up her shirt while making out.

But you also have to be attentive to the little ways she reacts. If you ease your hand up her shirt and she takes it off, you’re good to go. If she shifts her position so you can reach her chest more easily, it’s probably safe to proceed. But if she doesn’t do anything, you might want to stick to touching her below the bra until she gives you a clearer signal.

And if you’re still not sure, you can always bust out those words and ask.

As soon as you notice even a small sign of discomfort, back off. If you miss the subtle cues, she’ll feel like she has to fight you off. And if you think verbalizing consent is a mood killer, imagine how unarousing it is to have to push your hand away or shove you off.

There Is Such a Thing As Asking Too Much

I’m a big proponent of asking for consent, but I want to point out that there can be such a thing as asking too much.

I was on the receiving end of that one time when I was having a threesome with my now husband and one of his friends.

We kept things mostly to fooling around levels — using our hands and mouths on each other. At one point, the extra M in our MFM shindig asked me if I would be okay with him penetrating me.

I told him I wasn’t sure and that I’d have to think about it.

That was a genuine response. I really wasn’t sure. I liked the idea of being fucked by two guys, or maybe even getting double penetrated (so long as it was Mr. Austin taking my ass). But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go all the way with this guy. We didn’t have a close relationship, I didn’t feel any special bond with him, but I still thought it might be fun. Maybe I could work my way up to it.

Well, I never got a chance to work my way up to it. A few minutes after initially asking, he repeated the question.

Soon after, he tried a variant: “Should I get a condom?”

He asked again after that. And another time.

I still don’t know if I would have fucked him. But the more he asked, the less appealing it seemed.

It’s not the asking that bothered me, though. It’s the pestering.

When he asked the first time, it felt like he was treating me with respect. He was showing me that he wanted to go further with me and wanted to make sure I was okay with it.

But by the third, fourth, and fifth times? It just felt like he was pressuring me.

Not cool. Not sexy. Not gonna work.

You only have to ask once. When you do, she’ll know what you want and she’ll be able to make up her mind. You don’t need to repeat your request.

Remember: It’s a Conversation

One of the reasons some guys think asking for consent is awkward is because they think all you can do is ask and then leave her “no” hanging in the air.

But you don’t have to. Instead of treating consent like a request, treat it like a conversation.

When you ask if she wants to do something more and she says no, you can make things a lot more comfortable for both of you by saying something reassuring.

If you ask to move things to the bedroom and she’d rather not, you can say, “That’s okay. I love making out with you anyway.’

If she doesn’t want to go all the way, you can say “I totally respect that. Let’s just keep fooling around.”

That way, you shift the tone. Instead of her no being the last thing that was said, your positive “Hey, that’s cool” response is the last thing uttered.

Instead of feeling like you were rejected — or making her feel like she rejected you — you can always bring things back to a mutual agreement to keep doing what you’ve been doing, or to wait before going further.

If You Can’t Ask for Consent, You’re Not Ready to Have Sex

If you’re reading this article, it’s safe to assume you have sex or want to have sex. If you have trouble explicitly asking for consent, you need to work on those communication skills.

If you can’t ask for consent properly, you’re just not ready to have sex. And I’m not trying to be condescending to teenagers. Even if you’re 67, you shouldn’t be hooking up if you don’t know (or don’t want to) make sure she’s okay with you doing something before you do it.

Knowing how to ask for consent isn’t optional. It’s an essential sex skill. Before you try to figure out how to give her an orgasm, how to eat her pussy properly, or how to finger her with skill, you need to know how to make sure she’s even okay with you trying any of that.

And it’s not just for hookups. I’ve been shagging the same guy for fifteen years and he still makes sure to get my consent before doing stuff with me.

Just because we’re married doesn’t mean he has carte blanche to do whatever the fuck he wants to my body, after all.

And yes, often that happens nonverbally because he knows the difference between my “Yes, please!” body language and my “Let’s just cuddle, okay?” body language.

But even after all these years, he still regularly uses a verbal approach. Because sometimes you just want a clear signal without any of the pussyfooting.

And I absolutely appreciate it, every time.

If you’ve read through all of this and you’re still not convinced that there’s a way to ask for consent without killing the mood, I hope to hell you’ll still do it. Not getting your partner’s consent before doing something to her can make her feel uncomfortable, it can make her feel violated, or it can be tantamount to sexual assault. And that’s a lot fucking worse than maybe making things awkward.

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