To Really Enjoy Sex, You Need to Enjoy Giving Pleasure

Giving to get is not sexy

When I first slept with my husband, I could already tell things would be different.

I noticed it as soon as he undressed me. Taking my clothes off in front of others had always been difficult for me. I never felt quite at ease exposing myself but I did it anyway because I was horny and thought it would be challenging if I didn’t at least take my pants off to fuck.

But as he took each article of clothing off me, I felt at ease, even though there was enough light in his bedroom for him to see me clearly.

There was something about the way he did it and the way he looked at me that made me feel like he absolutely loved seeing my body.

And that’s not the only thing he loved.

When he kissed my thighs and gently pushed my knees apart, I squeezed them together again. It was our first time together and I wanted to make a good impression, not have him do something that was entirely for my benefit.

“You don’t have to do that,” I said.

“I know I don’t,” he replied, looking up at me. “But I want to.”

So, I relaxed, let my legs fall open, and let him go down on me.

He wasn’t the first guy to give me oral, but he was definitely the first one who seemed to be extremely into it.

He devoured me eagerly, like he was starving and I was his last meal. His tongue didn’t quit until I came.

And I came hard. That was my first time with the man who would be my husband. It was my first time being eaten out so ravenously. And it was the first time I had a laughing orgasm.

This guy was a keeper.

And I realized something that night. Anyone can lick pussy. But only someone who really wants it can make you feel hot and desired.

Sex As a Transaction

Through a combination of personal experience, research, and attentive listening, I’ve learned a lot of people’s rationale for giving oral sex.

Some do it because they feel obligated. They feel like oral sex is expected of them, so they dutifully drop to their knees to kiss, lick, and suck until they feel like they’ve done enough.

Others — mostly men, it seems, though not entirely — will do it because being good at giving pleasure is a mark of pride. Their ego needs the validation that comes from making their partner groan, moan, and come.

But maybe the most common reason I’ve encountered is simply that they want to get oral, too. And the surest way to get it (at least without feeling guilty) is to give it.

In other words, they treat giving sexual pleasure like a transaction. The oral sex they give is the currency they use to buy the oral sex they receive.

And it’s about as sexy as it sounds — not very.

I get that oral sex is still oral sex. You have to be pretty terrible at eating pussy to really fuck it up and taking a dick in your mouth is usually appreciated no matter what you do with it once it’s in there.

But the guy who’s going down on me just to make sure I’ll blow him is not the guy I want between my legs.

I’ve also been told that if a guy won’t go down on you, you should withhold sex until he does. That doesn’t exactly sound hot. I don’t know about you guys, but I wouldn’t want someone eating me out under duress.

And I’m going to take a leap of faith here and assume that most women would feel the same way.

Enthusiasm Is Everything

What’s missing from transactional sex is the enthusiasm.

Genuinely wanting to give your partner pleasure and doing it for its own sake charges everything you do with a kind of fun, sexy energy. And that’s something you can’t fake.

Take it from me. I’ve tried.

I have some really hot times with my beloved Mr. Austin, but it wasn’t always that way.

After being hot and heavy for a few years, my libido took a sudden and prolonged crash. We could go weeks or months without having sex. And when we did have it, I wasn’t really into it.

My body’s chemistry was out of whack and I couldn’t bring myself to feel desire. In that state, giving sexual pleasure wasn’t exactly appealing — hell, receiving sexual pleasure didn’t even seem enticing.

But I felt guilty holding out.

I know I shouldn’t have, but I did. We were married. I tied this guy down. Now, I had taken sex out of the picture and out of his life.

So, every once in a while I put out. I figured I could fake it til I make it.

I faked it fine, but I never made it.

I dug into my repertoire of sex moves. I used my muscle memory and went through the motions.

I did all the usual stuff, but without any of the excitement that used to accompany it.

I gave handjobs that would have been fine on paper (stroke with some vigor, give love to the head, don’t be afraid to spit in your palm) but that had no vitality to them.

Mr. Austin enjoyed me stroking him off, but not as much as he did before my libido went dormant or after it was reawakened.

My reawakened libido changed everything. I use a lot of the same techniques I did during the Sad Handjob Years, but now instead of feeling obligated to stroke him, I feel excited about giving him pleasure.

He has enjoyed the handjobs so much more these days that he’s wondered out loud what I’m doing differently.

Truth is, I haven’t really been doing anything different, other than loving it.

I don’t know how good I am at giving handjobs. It’s not like I ever entered some kind of jerk-off competition. But what I do know is that you can make up for even a mediocre technique with sheer joy.

Don’t Take Turns Having Fun

Turn-taking is part of my sex life, as I’m sure it is for most people.

We often give each other manual sex at the same time, but we don’t 69 that often. So, when it comes to giving oral sex, we take turns.

Mr. Austin is more dominant in bed, while I’m a bit of a pillow princess. But still, I know how to take charge when I want to. So, we’ll often take turns initiating stuff.

But when sex is transactional, you don’t just take turns doing certain things — you take turns having fun.

When you’re giving oral just so you can get it, you’re spending the whole time you’re sucking cock or eating pussy just waiting until it’s your turn to feel something pleasurable.

And that’s the beauty of giving pleasure for its own sake. When you genuinely enjoy giving your partner pleasure, you don’t have to take turns having fun. Everything you do, whether it’s giving or receiving pleasure, is thoroughly enjoyable.

That’s part of what makes enthusiastically giving pleasure so damn good. It makes sex less of a transaction and more of a collaboration.

Giving Pleasure for Its Own Sake Makes Sex Amazing

I’ve focused on oral, but it’s really everything. People fuck differently when they want to give pleasure. They do it with a different attitude, and it shows itself in little ways. They touch you, whisper things to you, and look at you in a way that makes you feel like they truly want you to feel incredible.

It’s a huge fucking turn-on.

Sex should be fun from beginning to end. It should never feel like a chore. But it will if receiving pleasure is the only part of it you like.

Sometimes, all it takes is a little change of mindset. If you can learn to enjoy giving your partner pleasure, you can have amazing sex from start to finish.

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