3 Ways Past Narcissistic Abuse Accelerates Your Confidence and Business Success
Narcissistic abuse dramatically impacted my business success, but not in the way you’d think.
I started my business nearly eight years ago, a little over a year after my divorce. I was a medical doctor by training and an entrepreneur at heart. I was finally free to be me, to serve the world as I chose, lit up and on fire, ready to make an impact.
Though I’ve since positively impacted the lives of millions of narcissistic abuse survivors, I also made so many business mistakes.
I played small — way too small. I followed so many new, shiny objects — or business gurus. I spent a lot of money without a return on my investment. But I also enjoyed taking risks. It was like I’d become fearless.
In a heat of passion, I wrote an open letter about putting an end to racism and racially motivated violence. I wanted to publish it. I HAD to publish it, but at that time, I didn’t know about Medium. What did I do?
I emailed it directly to Arianna Huffington. She published it in Huff Post and then invited me to write for her then-new publication, Thrive Global. A few years later, I spoke at the Harvard Faculty Club on Aligning with Your Why.
Each opportunity brought more knowledge and skills to learn, more ways to grow, and more exciting opportunities. It also brought new fears, doubts, and with them, costly errors. It wasn’t until recently that I discovered I was on the confidence rollercoaster, which I will explain in this story.
The Confidence Rollercoaster
It looked something like this…
I woke up, lit up, on fire, and ready to start my day. I was so excited to share my expertise with my clients and the world. This state might last for weeks, days, or just hours. Inevitably, something would shift, and I’d slide into the state of “meh.”
This came at great cost:
- Massive decrease in productivity
- Lackluster effort to move the needle with lackluster results
- Feeling behind schedule — the constant “a day late and a dollar short”
- Rethinking and changing marketing strategies mid-stream
- Costly decisions — through either spending or not investing
- Less exercise, less quality sleep, less focus on well-being
At first, I thought I needed a routine to stay in flow. I made awesome habit changes, but the pattern persisted. After reading Peter Atwater’s book, The Confidence Map, something clicked. I realized that what I was experiencing was a shift in confidence.
Atwater describes confidence as being made up of both certainty and control. This brought clarity to my own mental map. It not only fits my experience but the experience of the entrepreneurs, professionals, and creative narcissistic abuse survivors I serve.
When I was lit up, on fire, and ready to change the world, I had both certainty I could deliver something amazing and control over my ability to make it happen.
When I slid into “meh,” I experienced either a loss of control or a loss of certainty. I’d lose control over my project or timeline when I did not know the next best step; therefore, I could not take it.
I’d experience uncertainty about future results when using a new strategy, targeting a new audience, or using an old strategy I’d not yet mastered.
Building your confidence and results
Once I understood what was happening, I took a long, hard look at myself. I favor having control — over all aspects of my work.
Having been in controlling relationships previously, I don’t wish to relinquish control to anyone. I want to choose my work hours, my projects, my metrics to track, and my desired results. And while I like certainty, too, with too much for too long, I get bored. I am an entrepreneur at my core.
If you’re like me, you increase your confidence by increasing your sense of control through a clear vision of where you’re headed and building habits to get there.
For example, as part of my commitment to my well-being, I’ve created habits to ensure I get 10K steps, drink 130 oz of water, and get eight hours of quality sleep each day. I am confident of my results because I prioritize the habits that will create them.
Now, if you’re someone who likes certainty, you increase your confidence by increasing your certainty of successfully completing your new task or project. Think of this as baby steps. You take a small step, experience a small success, and then feel more confident about taking the next step. You have more certainty you’ll be successful.
Stopping the confidence plummet
No matter how great your habits or how many baby steps you take, your confidence will, at some point, start to fall. It’s part of being human. Things happen. Life happens.
The success move here is to notice when your confidence has started to slide and reverse it before you plummet into the pit of vulnerability, powerlessness, and despair.
The sooner you stop it, the easier it is to recover. So how do you do that?
- Awareness: Notice your confidence has dropped.
- Interrupt the pattern: Stop what you’re doing, even if only for a few moments, and do something else — bonus points if you do something that increases your sense of certainty or control in another area of life.
- Question: Ask yourself how you can increase certainty or control in this project, then do it.
Picking yourself up off the ground
Even with the best-laid intentions and strategies, you’ll still sometimes find yourself in that pit of despair. Picking yourself up quickly is a skill worth learning.
Perhaps even more important, is mitigating your costly errors. This is where they’re made. It’s the desperation for certainty or control that makes us pay tens of thousands of dollars for the newest strategy, a new consultant, or a new coach.
The fear of losing what remnants of certainty and control we currently have makes us unable to see amazing new opportunities right in front of us.
Identifying your unique stress response pattern is key to mitigating your risks. I cover the five F’s, the five common stress responses, in detail in module four of my free masterclass, Hacking the Confidence Rollercoaster.
Your Secret Superpower
When it comes to confidence and success, your experience of past narcissistic abuse initially holds you back — understandably.
Your ability to trust yourself and others have been shaken. You’re riddled with self-doubt. It’s hard to move forward. You’ve lost all certainty and control. Fortunately, this isn’t a permanent state.
When you identify, then rewrite your subconscious scripts, your experience of narcissistic abuse becomes your secret superpower. It’s the map that leads you to treasure.
Every human being has thousands of stories, or narratives, that they’ve told themselves about themselves. Think things like…
- I can achieve anything I want badly enough.
- Nothing I do ever works.
- I can eat whatever I want without gaining weight. I’ve got a fast metabolism.
- I just look at a candy bar, and I gain weight.
- I must’ve had an angel on my shoulder — a car accident with only minor damage.
- I was in a car accident because I’ve got bad luck.
When those stories are negative, we experience an event as traumatic. Our stories have a common theme — things like I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable, I’m too much, I’m unworthy, I’m alone, I don’t have, and more. Fortunately, each story can be distilled down to one of about 22 subconscious false core beliefs.
When you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, the aftereffects are so dramatic that it’s easy to identify the belief. Then, it’s possible to rewrite it.
And because that belief carries over into all aspects of life, once you’ve rewritten it, you’ve accelerated your path to success in a way that others can’t experience.
Conclusion and Takeaways
The massive swings in productivity and commitment to your current strategy result from swings in confidence.
Confidence, which is different from self-confidence, combines certainty and control. Identifying your unique preference frees you to increase your confidence in the most meaningful way for you.
Identifying when your confidence has started to fall stops the costly free fall that negatively impacts your business, life, and relationships.
The peak of vulnerability (also known to me as the pit of despair) is the absence of confidence and is where costly mistakes happen. Identifying your unique stress response mitigates that risk.
For those who have experienced narcissistic abuse, diving deeply into the stories you tell yourself about yourself is like mining for gold. Rewriting those stories accelerates your path to success — the clues from your past activate your superpower.
Dive deep. It’s worth it. You’re worth it.
You’re like Clark Kent before he discovers he’s Superman.
To take this deeper, I invite you to access my free 5-part masterclass, Hack the Confidence Rollercoaster: Eliminate self-doubt and create unshakeable confidence in business, life, and relationships.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact survivors break free from the longstanding aftereffects of narcissistic abuse. Access her FREE 5-part Hack the Confidence Rollercoaster Masterclass for a limited time. Here’s some background information.
Disclaimer: This is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
