Summary

Narcissists undermine their personal relationships through self-centered behaviors driven by a lack of object constancy, the need for narcissistic supply, and the desire to maintain their idealized self-image.

Abstract

Narcissists exhibit destructive behaviors in relationships, stemming from their inability to perceive others as complex individuals, their overwhelming need for validation and control, and their compulsion to uphold a grandiose self-image. These behaviors manifest in various ways, such as cruel remarks, betrayal, and manipulative actions, which ultimately sabotage their connections with others. The article explains that narcissists view people as either entirely positive or negative, leading to inconsistent and often harmful relationship dynamics. Their quest for narcissistic supply, which includes seeking admiration or exerting power, further strains their interactions. Additionally, narcissists may prioritize their public persona over the well-being of their relationships, engaging in acts that maintain their desired image, even at the cost of their own detriment.

Opinions

The author suggests that narcissists are inherently unable to maintain healthy relationships due to their psychological limitations and needs.
It is implied that narcissists' actions, although seemingly self-destructive, are actually calculated to fulfill their need for narcissistic supply.
The article posits that narcissists' lack of object constancy leads to a black-and-white perception of others, which contributes to relationship sabotage.
The author indicates that narcissists' behavior is not only harmful to their partners but also to themselves and potentially their children.
The piece conveys that understanding the dynamics of narcissistic relationships is crucial for healing from narcissistic abuse.
Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, presents herself as an expert in the field, offering a guide for high-income women to navigate co-parenting with a covert narcissist.

13 Crazy Ways Narcissists Sabotage Their Personal Relationships

It’s crazy making until you see it clearly

Narcissists are masters of destroying or sabotaging their own relationships. This is one of the reasons it’s not possible to make them happy.

This sabotage is driven by 3 key factors:

1. The lack of whole object relations and object constancy

2. The need for narcissistic supply

3. The need to preserve their idealized self, their persona

The lack of whole object relations and object constancy

The narcissist does not have the ability to see all of you at one time. They see you as “all good” or “all bad.” They also don’t have the ability to remain positive about your relationship during a challenge or a setback. They assume it is over.

For this reason, the narcissist will do or say things when they see you as “all bad” that are harmful to the relationship.

They will…

Say something so cruel that things will never be the same
Reveal your deepest secrets
Destroy something of importance to you
Cheat on you

As soon as they flip back into seeing you as “all good,” which can happen quickly, they do not remember ever feeling you were “all bad.” They cannot fathom having done or said anything hurtful because they “never felt that way.”

This is when you’ll hear…

That never happened
I would never say that to you!
That doesn’t sound like me

They have sabotaged the relationship for both of you.

The need for narcissistic supply

The need for narcissistic supply is so strong, it supersedes all else.

Remember, a narcissist gleans supply in 2 ways:

Ingratiation: admiration, praise, respect, validation, positive attention

2. Grandiosity: Gaining power and control by devaluing others

The narcissist will…

Ruin the family vacation by getting drunk for attention
Get fired, decreasing discretionary family income, for control of your financial well-being
Continue to blatantly lie, when you’ve told them you’ll leave if it happens again for power over you

The need to preserve their idealized self, their persona

The narcissist needs street cred with their flying monkeys. They will do things that sabotage their relationship just to preserve their image. (Picture Danny Zuko when he runs into Sandy at the pep rally in Grease.)

They also need to reinforce this image for themselves.

The narcissist will…

Demean you in public, to look powerful
Flirt with younger, attractive people to look more attractive
Transfer finances into their name to be in control

When their persona includes being a victim, they will sabotage themselves just to have more victim stories.

The narcissist will…

Take a pic while driving, then post it publicly, just so they aren’t considered safe to drive their kids
Be physically aggressive with the kids, so they have supervised contact only
Do something so horrible you sleep at your sister’s

But is it actually sabotage?

Or instead, is the narcissist getting exactly what they need?

While it appears that the narcissist has ruined their day, their financial security, their relationship with their kids, the narcissist has actually secured narcissistic supply. That’s their primary need.

The narcissist has gotten exactly what they wanted.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Join Medium with my referral link - Melissa Kalt, MD

As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…

medium.com