The habits that are pushing your partner away

If you’ve noticed a growing divide between you and your partner, these toxic habits might be to blame.

by: E.B. Johnson

Relationships can be hard to navigate, but they become even more challenging when we fall into hazardous or toxic patterns of coping that push our partners away. Whether you’re struggling with hardships at work, or battling with your own insecurities — when you don’t face up to the things that are going wrong, and open up to your partner, you might end up doing even more damage to your relationship.

Don’t push your partner away with uncontrolled outbursts, unexplained shutdowns, or even dismissing their calls for solutions. Get open to your journey and get real about where you’re at. Do you want to save your relationship? Or do you want to let your partner go? There’s some hard questions you’re going to have to ask yourself and they start with one crucial one: What role am I playing here?

Falling into comfortable patterns.

Once you become comfortable in a relationship, it can be easy to slip into old patterns, and it can be even easier once you throw in the stress and pressures of everyday life. When we’re dealing with our insecurities, or a lot of heavy experiences or decisions, we can find ourselves pulling and pushing away from our partners in a number of ways; often sacrificing our partnerships before any of the other relationships in our lives. We change who we are, and we even change the way we relate with them. It can be toxic and damaging.

Noticing our patterns is key in protecting our partnerships and restoring them to the happiness levels we once enjoyed. Whether we’re lashing out, or just going cold, pushing our partners away is never the right answer. We have to get real about what we want, and then commit to making things better as a couple.

By opening up, and learning to be honest with both ourselves and our partners, we can forge our way back to joy and get back in touch with our intimacy. A partner who has been pushed away is not a partner or a spouse who is gone forever. We can reframe our relationships and the way we see our partners when we get clear on what we want and find our self-esteem. Don’t let go yet. Take a step back and look at where you’re at and who you’re with. You can save your relationship with some honest acceptance and understanding.

Signs that your partner is being pushed away.

There are always signs that our partners are being pushed away or otherwise walled out of our lives. From evaporated intimacy, to a complete breakdown in support and communication — these are the most common signs that the person that you love is beginning to drift.

Evaporated intimacy

Intimacy is a corner of our partnerships, and it’s one of the ways by which we stay connected and bonded across a number of planes. When it comes to intimacy, it’s not just about the sex (though that’s certainly a part of it). Intimacy also includes the emotional closeness we share with our partners and spouses. If your partner has suddenly pulled away, or you’ve found that you’re no longer feeling driven to be intimate — it could be a sign that you’re pushing them away.

Zero support

Has your once-supportive partner disappeared? Found yourself standing next to someone who no longer has your back, or who cheers for you to fail? When we shut down or pull away from our partners, it can lead to complicated feelings that result in even more complicated reactions. Pulling their support, when they once had your back with little question, can be a sign that they no longer feel secure in your love; or that they’ve gained the perception that you’re pulling away from their partnership.

Blame games abound

Partnerships that are plagued by blame games are those suffering serious fractures. When things start to falter, we often turn to each other with our disappointed expectations and hope for a resolution. Fractured relationships, however, require the work and responsibility of both partners in order to heal and thrive. Has your partner started blaming your for everything? Are you blaming them for every irritation or aggravation in your life? You might be pushing them away in an attempt to hide your struggle.

Ridiculous standards

We all have standards, and they lie closely in line with our values and boundaries. As important as those standards are, however, we can also use them as a weapon — one that drives our partners away or otherwise forces them to pull back. This happens when we set ridiculous standards, and then punish our partners for not meeting them. A self-defeating practice, this drives a massive wedge into the middle of the partnership and makes it hard for us to trust one another or connect meaningfully.

Shut-outs

Shut-outs happen when we turn our backs on our partner, or shut down from them mentally and emotionally. You might live in the same space, but you’re not open with one another and you don’t share anything of any value or meaning. Shutting someone out can lead to contempt, resentment and even an increase of conflict. One partner will always walk away, however, and completely shut out any chance of resolution or compromise.

Mind reader status

Do you expect your partner to be a mind reader? Have you stopped communicating with them, but still holding them to impossible expectations? This is a common way we put a wall between our partners and ourselves and tear them down in our minds. Rather than confronting them about how you’re feeling, or taking responsibility for your own happiness, you set your entire relationship up for failure by expecting them to know what you want when you want it. When they don’t get it right, you lash out and drive them away — all the while feeling justified in your unfairness.

Everything’s a problem

When everything becomes a problem (no matter how small or inconsequential the issue might be) it’s usually a sign of bigger problems pooling below the surface. Failing to express our frustrations can result in passive-aggressive explosions, and behavior that drives your partner away with constant resentment, criticism and even anger. If you’re looking at increased conflict your partner, it’s time to take a deeper look at the toxic patterns and habits you might be utilizing.

The toxic habits that are pushing your partner away.

Though we don’t always realize it, we can find ourselves falling into several toxic habits when our relationships become hard, or life gets in the way. Accepting our patterns and correcting them begins with identifying them. Whether you’re using dismissal or emotional manipulation, these are the ways you might be driving your partner or spouse away.

Ignoring calls for repair

It takes a lot to admit that there’s something going wrong in our relationships, but when one partner does, it’s important to listen. If you’ve constantly dismissed your partners calls to address the issues that are lingering, or if you dismiss their points whenever they open up or question the way you’ve behaving — you’re putting a wedge in the relationship, and failing to listen or leave room for the other person’s point of view.

No reciprocated empathy

Empathy is important in a relationship, as is compassion and feelings of mutual respect. When the empathy in our relationships erode, it can lead to critical connection problems that make it hard to navigate the challenges life throws our way. We have to have compassion for both ourselves and our partners. We have to approach one another with a sense of understanding. If we fail to see one another in a compassionate light, it pushes us away and perpetuates the idea that we’re in an imbalanced or uncaring partnership.

Constant criticism

Criticism is unpleasant, but it also erodes our relationships and the compassion that we feel for one another. Constantly giving your partner unwanted feedback can make them feel as though they aren’t good enough, or as though they aren’t a fit partner. Over time, these feelings can increase resentment and even contempt, which leads to a widening divide and one person pulling away from the other.

Emotional skill as power

Often in our relationships, we find that one partner has a greater emotional knowledge or intelligence than we do. While this can enable us to increase our own emotional intelligence, it can also be used as a weapon — one which manipulates the other person or makes them feel small and powerless. Emotional intelligence is only a benefit when it’s used to uplift. If you use your emotional know-how to manipulate your partner, you’ll find them pulling away…even if they haven’t wised up to the game yet.

Techno-addiction

Believe it or not, our addition to technology can play a big role in our romantic relationships. If you’re someone who is addicted to their screen, or can’t pull yourself away from a video game for 8-hour blocks of the day, you might find that you have a partner who is less than satisfied or fulfilled. When we fail to honestly assess our addiction to technology and social media, it can result in serious fractures in our relationships and growing distance that is hard to overcome.

Permanent backseats

Not all divisions are malicious or even intentional. Sometimes, we push our partners away simply by putting them in the backseat. This occurs when we allow all the distractions of life to get in-between our connections with our significant others. When you let anything and everything else take priority to your partnership — including friends, family, career or even just your personal entertainments — there’s no room left for bonding, intimacy or even enjoyment of one another. Over time, you’ll drift and find yourself standing alone with no one to support you at all.

Failing to find resolution

Conflict is a natural part of our relationships, and when we learn how to earnestly disagree with our partners, we find room for growth. Turning away from that, however, or refusing to find resolutions is extremely toxic to our long-term journey as individuals and a couple. Sweeping everything under the rug, refusing to talk about the issues you have, or just pretending that everything is okay is not productive and doesn’t equal forever happiness. We have to communicate our issues and work past the hurdles instead of running away through inaction.

How to repair your relationship and stop pushing your partner away.

Division in your relationship doesn’t have to last forever. You and your partner can find your way back to passionate love, but it’s going to take a little work from you both. By getting real on what you want, and committing to honest and open paths of communication, your partnership can find its way back. That’s going to require dedication, however, and the knowledge that we have to trust ourselves and the people we love if we ever hope to thrive.

1. Get clear on what you want

The first thing you have to do in order to get your partnership back on track is to get clear on what you really want. Sometimes, we push our partners away because we simply have too much going in our minds and our lives. At other times, however, we are pushing them away because we simply don’t know what we want; or we know what we want, but we’re too afraid to voice it.

Take a step back and use this space to clear your head and your heart. Center in on where you’re at right in this moment and how you’re feeling. Why are you pushing your partner away? What’s at the center of your aggravation, disappointment, or disillusionment? Question yourself and dig deep.

Go right back to the very beginning and draw up a clear list on what you want from a relationship and what you need. Compare that against where you’re at and make the decisions that need to be made. Is this the person that you want to be with? If so, what’s holding you back from connecting with them? Be clear and be specific. You can only move forward when you know what you want and you’re willing to go after it. Recommit to your partner and either dig in, or clear out.

2. Re-establish trust

Often, we pull away from our partners because we feel as though we can’t trust them with the heavy or complex emotions we’re experiencing. We have to re-establish our trust in them, if we’re committed to reconnecting and moving forward, and we have to re-establish that trust in ourselves. The more learn to lean back into our partners, the easier we will find our burden to be. Rely on your partner again and allow them to share your journey — rather than simply being a spectator.

Start relying on your partner again and start sharing yourself with them. When you’re feeling sad, or angry, or stressed, let them be a sounding board that helps to reshape or reaffirm your perspective.

When we know that our partners are safe to approach with our feelings, our secrets and even our concerns, it fosters an environment of security and allows both ourselves and our partners to open in transformative ways. Stop turning away from one another when your feelings are hurt, or something has gone wrong. Be honest. Be candid. And learn how to rely on one another (and yourselves) as complimentary pillars of strength in an experience that can be as challenging as it is long.

3. Find your self-esteem

Self-esteem is an important part of who we are, but it’s a defining part of who we are as romantic partners as well. If you’re pushing your partner away, you might find that it has more to do with your insecurities and fears than anything your partner has said or done. Feeling down on yourself, or believing you aren’t worthy of love and respect, can lead to a retreat. Over time, your partner senses this retreat and pulls back on their own.

Stop expecting your partner to give you back your confidence and get focused on re-establishing your self-esteem. Embrace your self-worth, and know that you are as just as deserving of love and happiness as anyone else on this earth. Silence that part of your inner self that says you aren’t good enough and embrace the love your partner gives with reckless abandon.

Our partners can only offer us their love and their compassion for so long. If you don’t realize that you have enough value to embrace, you will miss the chance to experiencing something truly special. Don’t let your low sense of self prevent you from connecting with your partner on a meaningful level. Open up, and start seeing yourself as the powerful, beautiful and capable person that they imagine you to be. Reality is what you make it. Make this relationship one in which both of you are equally deserving of love and respect.

4. Be more fluid

Couples often drift because they become polarized in their thinking and are unwilling to appreciate their partner’s viewpoints. For any relationship to truly succeed, it is necessary to adopt a more flexible approach and be subjective in the way we view our partners beliefs.

When spouses or partners perceive things differently, it can feel threatening or invalidating. In the honeymoon phase, we try to mask these differences by camouflaging them or paving over them all-together, in an effort to make things “work” whatever the cost.

Being in long term relationships have a funny way of bringing those things to the surface, though, and when they do come up we have to work hard to open our minds and be accepting of — rather than threatened by — these differences in attitude or perspective. A shift in our partner is not a betrayal. It’s life. Accept them for who they are and make an honest effort to adjust when things change.

5. Look for joy in intimacy

Intimacy, like a flame, is something that must actively be fed and nurtured. The passion that you first held for your partner cannot be held without the committed maintenance of both partners, who put in both time and effort to keep the channels of communication open and the emotional bonds strong. If your relationship is suffering from a widening breach, look to the intimacy you share with your partner and figure out how to reinvigorate the spark.

Reconnect with that sense of joy you used to have in the passion you shared with your partner. Get sexy again and find a way to become enthused about getting closer to your partner on both physical and emotional levels. Try new activities or mutual skills that allow you to shape new memories, or share new experiences.

Experiences and memories are a powerful thing, as is the stimulation of putting ourselves in a new or unknown environment. You don’t have to leave your home, or go to extravagant ends. Get creative and find a way to get excited about getting back into one another. Cook a meal; share a cozy night in. There’s no right or wrong way to go about getting back into the flow again, the only wrong thing you can do is pretend the problem doesn’t exist. Sit your partner down and have an honest conversation. How can you start looking forward to intimacy again?

6. Start opening up

There is no greater skill we can cultivate in our relationships save that of honesty. Honesty means being open with our partners, but it also means being open with ourselves. We have to regularly check in with our emotional temperatures and constantly keep the communication channels open so our partners and spouses know where we’re at. If you want to get your relationship back on track, start opening up and sharing with one another again.

If you’re struggling with something outside of your relationship (which is leading you to pull away) then examine it and open up about it to your partner. It’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable letting your other half in. Find a friend, family member or even an expert that can help you work through what you’re experiencing.

Make honest and open dialogue a regular part of your life and a regular part of your partnership. Don’t shy away from hard feelings or issues within yourself or with your partner. Address problems as they arise and commit to making things better by working them out — rather than waiting for them to become a bigger issue. Open up in whatever way or whatever manner works, and do it with your partner, your friends, your family, or even a professional. You’ve got to be honest if you want to thrive.

7. Forgive and close the chapter

How much have you actually endeavored to resolve and forgive past hurts? Odds are not as much as you think you have. More often than not, a breakdown in our relationship is the result of a failure to resolve a previous hurt, misunderstanding or injury. If past conflicts haven’t been fully worked through, those wounds can stay open for a long time; festering and bleeding until they become something toxic to your relationship.

Let go of grudges and recognize the importance of reviewing past disappointments with a critical eye. In retrospect, the hurts inflicted by our partners are more often caused by misunderstandings than actual maliciousness, but we need time and space to recognize and accept that.

Forgive your partner for their missteps and acknowledge that they are human — just as you are — and capable of all the foibles entailed with that mortality. If something they did continues to peeve you off over time, bring it up with them, and don’t be afraid to as accepting of your own reactions as you are of theirs. Tap into that endless supply of forgiveness and compassion that is inherent to who you are. Close the chapter and either move forward with them, or do it without them. Either way…be happy.

Putting it all together…

Relationships are an important part of our lives, but they can also be complicated to navigate among the complexities and hardships of life. As the obstacles and stressors of everyday living stack up, we can find ourselves reacting in harsh or toxic ways that pushes our partners out of our lives. If you’re pushing your partner away, you can stop it, but it takes cultivating a better understanding of self and the things you want from your life and relationships.

Get clear on what you want and spend some time either recommitting to what you have, or making a plan to clear the path. If you’re committed to making it work with your partner, spend some time re-establishing trust and find that common place where you can be comfortable with one another again. Find your self-esteem and get back in touch with that confidence that allows you to stand on your own as well as beside someone else. Often, when we push our partner away it is because we’re dealing with our own insecurities and struggles. Be more fluid and try to find that passionate and joyful intimacy that you share at the start of your relationship. Fall in love again. Don’t let the hardship and the shortfalls continue to wrench you apart. Open up to your partner and let them know what’s going on. Speak with a professional if you have to. Just because you and your partner are drifting now doesn’t mean you have to float apart forever. Stop pushing them away and forgive the mistakes you’ve both made. Tomorrow is another chance to be happy together.