The most common behaviors that destroy our relationships
Stumbling from one relationship to the next? These are the most common mistakes you or your partner might be making.
by: E.B. Johnson
Relationships can be an important part of our journey, but they can also be complex and nuanced experiences that are difficult to navigate. We seem to fall out of love as quickly as we fall into it, and we can find ourselves bouncing from relationship to relationship, or dealing with heartache after heartache, all in an effort to find “the one”. If we want to build happier relationships, we have to build happier selves but that means fessing up to who we are and where we’ve come from.
More often than not, our relationships take a nose-dive due to a number of toxic behaviors that come from both ourselves and our partners. Whether we know we’re engaging in this behavior or not, it can destroy our sense of self and drive a wedge between our partners and ourselves when we don’t pay careful attention. Overcoming these behavior requires facing up to them, but also facing up to ourselves. Once you accept things as they are, you can make a plan to change them. That requires you committing to the journey, though, and all the ups and downs that entails.
Relationships are complicated.
We all have our own ideas on what the “perfect couple” looks like, but many of us struggle to ever achieve even a shadow of that ideal. We struggle from relationship to relationship, never quite finding the right one and never quite feeling at home in the direction that we’re taking. Happiness seems to allude us, and fights seem to be the norm. Struggling through the blind, we rarely stop to consider, “What am I doing wrong?”
There are a number of subtle, toxic behaviors we engage in that poison the waters of our relationships. Whether it’s emotional manipulation, or straight-out lying — we push our partners away through poor decisions, cowardly behavior and insecurities unaddressed. All things we are responsible for working through on our own.
It’s one thing to imagine the happy partnership, but it’s another thing to apply the work that it takes to build such a partnership. In practice, creating a life with another person requires us to build a better knowledge of self and a better knowledge of our own faults and shortcomings. We have to embrace who we are in order to define what we want…things that are all required in order to create a stable and healthy relationship. Read on to learn more about why you detonate your relationships, or undermine your happiness through toxic relationship behavior.
Why we destroy our relationships.
Generally, we don’t just wake up one day and decide to ruin our relationships. It’s a process that happens over time and as a result of poor choices or poor behavior. From self-esteem deficiencies, to skewed ideas on happiness — these are the most common reasons that we destroy our joy and our partnerships.
Self-esteem deficiencies
Low self-esteem? Think you’re not worthy of a stable relationship or honest love and affection? The longer you hold onto these kinds of beliefs (even if you don’t realize them) the more damaging they become to your relationships and your overall outlook on life and romance. You can’t be a confident partner without being a confident person. In order to feel good about connecting with other people, we have to first feel good about who we are on an authentic level.
Hard-learned lessons
The lessons we learn in childhood are lessons that follow us through life. The way we learn to connect and love from our parents, is often the same way we connect and love with our partners later on in life. While these lessons can be shining examples of how to be and how to love, they can also be toxic lessons that teach us wrong (or false) “truths” that misdirect us and cause us longterm heartache. Though we may be victims of trauma, it is our responsibility to clean up the mess and find a way to realize the true depth of our love and compassion.
All-out cowardice
We don’t like to admit it, but some of us sabotage our relationships because we’re too cowardly to end them ourselves. For those who avoid confrontation at all costs, the idea of initiating a breakup can be overwhelming. Pushing the other partner into pulling away or otherwise fracturing the partnership? That’s some passive-aggressive avoidance that feels right more at home for the person who is too scared to let their partner know they’re no longer in lovee.
Wrong ideas on happiness
How do you define your happiness? Is your happiness determined by the job you have or the material goods you purchase? Or is it detremined by whether or not you are partnered up romantically? There are a million different ways we can define our happiness, but when that definition doesn’t align with our authentic values — we forever find ourselves chasing the next best thing. When we have the wrong ideas on what happiness means for us, it leads to detonations and fractures in our relationships that could have been avoided with a little self-realization.
The most common ways we destroy our romantic relationships.
From forming “me vs. you” mentalities, to engaging in emotional manipulation — there are a number of poisonous behaviors we engage in that can detonate our romantic relationships. We don’t get to choose whether or not these behaviors impact the people around us. All we can do is embrace them for what they are in order to create a plan to change them.
Me vs. you mentality
Relationships are built on our ability to connect, but also our ability to work together and compromise. When we adopt the “me vs. you” mentality, it not only makes it hard for us to resolve conflict — it creates the idea that your partner is actually an enemy to be defended against and attacked. We have to work together in order to overcome hardship, and that’s something we can’t do when we put targets on one another’s backs.
Constant judgement
Our partnerships cannot thrive beneath the crushing weight of constant judgement. Judging our partners drives them further away from us, and can force them into dangerous corners with their insecurities. When we judge someone else, we do little more than highlight our own flaws and make it harder to be vulnerable and real with the ones we love.
Secrets and lies
Secrets and lies never a healthy relationship can make. When we lie to our partners, we lie to ourselves; and create serious breaches of trust that can takes weeks, months and years to overcome (if at all). Outside the the standard physical and emotion cheating, you can lie to your partner about what you want from them and your relationship, how you’re feeling, or even about what’s going on at work or in your social groups. All of it’s wrong.
One-sided perspective
Holding a one-sided perspective in your relationship is toxic, and it drives a serious wedge between you and your other half. This occurs when you dominate the partnership, or insist on seeing everything from your point-of-view. In these relationships, there is no such thing as compromise; you’re always right, and they’re always wrong.
Criticizing everything
There’s a big difference in proffering helpful advice and criticizing someone. Criticizing is unsolicited, and it comes with no recognition of anything else the person might have done well. Whether you’re a fan of the compliment sandwich or not — there’s a lot to be said for focusing on the positives as you encourage someone to do better in another area of their life.
Emotional manipulation
So many of us engage in emotional manipulation without even realizing it, and some of us don’t even realize what we’re doing. When you emotioanlly manipulate someone, you use emotions like sadness and fear to get them to behave in a specific manner (rather than hitting them to get results). IF you cry every time your partner raises qualms, use privileged information against them, or raise your voice until they back down — you’re engaging in emotional manipulation (and potentially abuse).
Holding the relationship hostage
Does your partner threaten to break up with you every time something goes wrong? When you get upset, do they tell you to leave or tell you that they can’t date someone like you? This is known as holding the relationship hostage, and it’s one of the most toxic — and ironically, common — ways we engage in behaviors that drive our relationships into the ground.
Confidence betrayals
Betraying the confidence or trust of our partners and spouses can occur on a number of different levels. Outside of breaking any vows of sexual commitment, we can betray our partners by over-sharing to our friends or even going behind their back to familu. When you open up to someone in a way that embarrasses or otherwise “outs” your partner about something they would rather keep quiet…you’re stabbing them in the back and taking something that was rightfully theirs to share (or not).
Zero follow-through
Our love requires action, and through this action we demonstrate our commitment to our relationships. Words aren’t enough when it comes to maintaining healthy and stable relationships. We have to follow through and put the action behind the declarations of love we make. If your partner never follows through on their promises, it leads to disappointed expectations and even frustration and resentment.
Beating-them into a corner
Beating your partner into a corner is never okay — even if you’re doing it figuratively. Going after something you want, or the resolution you deserve is one thing, but hounding your partner into giving in, or discussing what you want to discuss when you want to discuss it, is another. Partnerships are all about give and take, and that means finding compromise and learning how to do things on the terms of other people as well as our own (and respecting their boundaries while we do it).
No vulnerability
Failing to be vulnerable with your partner? Afraid to drop your walls or let them see who you really are on the inside? This is a common fear, but one that often prevents us from reaching the deepest facets of connection and love. In order to build a partnership that can stand the test of time, you have to know and trust one another intimately. That’s something that comes through vulnerability and knowing how to let someone in.
Unable to step-up to the plate
We are all responsible for our own journey on this planet, and we’re also responsible for the things we get right and the things we get wrong. When you can’t apologize or take responsibility for the mistakes you made — or you blame everyone else for your issues or the problems you face in your relationship — you’re pushing your partner away (even if you don’t realize it). You’re forcing them to resent you, because they’ll always see the truth.
Sense of entitlement
There’s nothing worse in a relationship than one partner with a complete sense of entitlement. While it’s perfectly acceptable to feel as though you have the right to work toward something, it’s perfectly unacceptable to feel as though you are owed anything by anyone simply for existing. Just because you exist in a partnership does not mean you are automatically entitled to your partner’s body, ideas, or time. Those things comes mutually from a place of respect and honor.
The basics of building healthier relationships.
Don’t wait around and expect your toxic behaviors to go away on their own. Get proactive about healing yourself and creating a healthier partnership through your own internal transformation. Unpack the heavy stuff and face up to who you are and what you want. Strong, healthy partnerships are possible, but they require us to first make ourselves better partners.
1. Unpack the heavy stuff
Happy relationships require happy people — but that alone is a journey that requires us to unload some heavy baggage on a personal level. No one else is responsible for our healing in this life, and no one else is capable of making us feel whole, complete of fulfilled. These are all things we create on our own, and they are things we create when we learn how to let go of our past and live in line with our authentic truths.
Unpack the heavy stuff before you onboard another load of luggage and new passengers into your life. Deal with your childhood trauma (as much as you can) and explore the hang-ups that might lead to you being a less-than-healthy partner. The more healed and at-peace we are, the better we are able to provide a loving and supportive other-half.
Don’t shift the pain of your life onto someone else. Don’t make it someone else’s responsibility to fix you up or otherwise improve your life. If you want to be a better person, if you want to have a happier relationship, take responsibility for your messes and start cleaning them up on your own. There’s an old southern proverb that says, “Sweep your own porch.” That’s especially true when you plan on having company. Clean up your internal messes and make yourself a better partner for a better partnership.
2. Face up to yourself
So you’ve spent some time unpacking all the heavy stuff from your childhood. That’s great. Now it’s time to face up to who you are today. Only when we truly know who we are can we find partners that align with our ultimate goals. The people that we bring into our lives are important, and they can either help us grow or take us down with them. Face up to yourself and know who you are inside and out so you can create partnerships that suit where you’re going.
Deep-dive into who you are and start respecting and realizing who you were always meant to be. Identify your strengths, identify your weaknesses — then consider how you can flip all of them and use them to your advantage. Where have you come from? What skills has those experiences given you? All of these answers are important in defining what kind of partner we are and what kind of partner we want to be.
When you know who you are, take some time really consdering what you want from the people around you. Do you want someone you can build a business with? Or are you looking for a relationship where you can quickly and comfortably grow a family? Honestly take a look at who you are and what you want. Face up to yourself and the things you’ve gotten wrong so that you can make them right and start building happier relationships.
3. Learn how to communicate
Communication is a cornerstone on which any stable and healthy relationship is built. We fall in love with one another through communication (both mental and physical) and we maintain our relationships and our bonds through communication (both verbal and intimate). We have to communicate with our partners if we want to build lives with them, and we have to do it honestly and openly.
If you feel as though you and your partner are engaging in behavior that’s toxic — it’s time to sit down and have a chat. Don’t be defensive and don’t try to downplay or minimize their concerns, or your own (there’s a fine line between re-assuring and trivializing — pay attention to it). Be honest. Be open. Be clear. Share what you’re thinking, and let them do the same.
You need to start communicating your needs to one another. Take a look at what you want from your partner and what you’re not getting. Allow them too to express what needs they have, or how they feel your partnership could be improved. Don’t get in the way of one another and work hard to understand the difference between your feelings and the other person’s experience. Only through honest and constant communication can we keep abreast of one another’s realities and expectations in way that allows us to compromise peacefully.
4. Understand your empathy
Compassion and empathy are important when it comes to building and sharing a life with your partner. Through these two things, we are better able to overcome adversity and maintained focused on our goals and the future we are building together. When we are compassionate to ourselves and empathetic with our partners, we discover deeper and even more connections we never knew existed.
Understand your empathy, and find better ways to extend that empathy to your partner. Try to understand where they’re coming from; whether they’re happy or sad, angry or irritated — put yourself in a situation where you felt the same emotions. How did it make you react? How did it make you shut down? Try to see things from their point of view, and lean into that perspective whenever things get hard.
Don’t forget, however, to extend that same compassion to yourself. It’s impossible to be an empathetic partner when you cannot even apply that same compassion to your own experience. Get invested in the art of applied self-compassion and become a stronger partner by becoming a softer version of you. Being compassionate with ourselves and empathetic with our partners does not make us weak. It makes us strong, and stronger as a partner too.
5. Be ready to commit
Truly happy relationships don’t occur just because you like the same things as your partner, or because you have the same personality quirks. True and really lasting relationships that stand the test of time are created between people who are aligned in vision and in truth. Only through this alignment can we build up the resilience we need to overcome the hardships that life will inevitably throw our way.
Be ready to commit to another person. Know that you’re dealing with another reflection of you, with all the complex and nuanced emotions and experiences that you have. Be compassionate, and try to understand your partner through the lens of your best and worst versions of self. Don’t quit when things get touch. Accept your relationship as a series of ups and downs; changing seasons with changing casts of characters.
If you’re only in it for the good times, you’ll be sore disappointed and bouncing from relationship to relationship for the rest of time. Even when we are at our best as individuals, the same can not always be said for the world around us. Challenges are going to come your way as a couple, and things are not always going to be black-and-white or a straight line. Commit to the journey — the long and the short of it — and embrace the fullness of the experience as a whole.
Putting it all together…
There are a number of toxic behaviors we often engage in when it comes to our relationships — some, without even realizing it. Things like emotional manipulation, avoidance, blame-gaming, confidence betrayals and even unwarranted critiques can tear apart our partnerships. Yet time after-time, we find ourselves slipping into those old behaviors, and detonating our relationships before we’ve ever had an opportunity to full realize them. If we truly want to overcome our tendency to destroy, we have to get real about what we want from a relationship and boost our understanding.
Unpack your heavy luggage before you bring a partner on-board for the ride. We become better partners by becoming better versions of ourselves. Face up to yourself — the good and the bad — and learn how to accept who you are so you can fully accept another person. Only when we accept our strengths and our weaknesses can we truly realize the full strength of who we are. Don’t wait for someone else to fix your life or provide a sense of wholeness and meaning. Find that fulfillment before you become a partner so that you can create more wholesome relationships. Maximize your understanding of communication, and invest in cultivating some compassion (for yourself and your partner) across the board. You have to be ready to commit fully to the ups and downs that relationships entail if you’re truly looking to be happy in a party of two (or more). Find the middle ground and bring yourself to the table a happy, whole and fulfilled partner who’s ready to face the challenges of life.
