How to identify (and deal with) external threats to your relationship
Learn how to deal when your love is under attack.
by: E.B. Johnson
Be it conscious or unconscious, the people around us can pose a threat to the security of our romantic relationships. There are some who attack the relationships of others because they are insecure or feel a need to be “superior”; others do it because they live an emotional world based around reactive fear.
Whatever the reason might be, it’s important to know the signs of a romantic-interferer before they can destroy your relationship. Toxic people enjoy nothing more than undermining the integrity of a couple, and that usually do so by creating conflict and derailing one partner or the other. Only by knowing the signs can we prevent and minimize theses attacks, protecting the relationships and the connections that give our life meaning.
How family interferes.
When it comes to the undermining the integrity of our relationships, no one does it quite like family. The people who know us best are also often the best at dividing us from the ones we love, and they do it using a number of creative and malicious methods.
Exercising authority
There are several different ways in which authority can be exercised over another person. When it comes to breaking down our romantic relationships, this type of rank pulling most often happens with our mothers, fathers or anyone else that we might see as a caretaker or “authority figure”.
This pulling of rank can be done directly, by making a demand and forcefully intervening; or, it can take a more passive aggressive form like coming up events in which only partner can be included. Either way, it’s toxic, and it undermines our partnerships in devastating ways.
Generating crises
Many third-party interferers assert their dominance by generating crises that don’t exist. These catastrophes are intended to draw away the attention of one partner or the other and it is also meant to sow discord between them.
As one partner scrambles around, seeing to schedules and priorities, the other is left behind or drawn away with any assortment of other tasks. Over time, the partners can become distant or unhappy with one another as their time together falls more and more out of whack.
Creating conflict
While this one is not always limited to the realm of family, creating conflict is one of the primary ways in which our family members might seek to undermine our romantic relationships.
Some people just cannot resist the urge to stir up aggravation everywhere they go. They can do this overtly or they can do is by whispering in corners — no matter how it’s done it’s damaging in a number of ways. These are the people that can cause us to quarrel with our partners of what is happening or what to do about it; pushing us until we’re at our absolute limits with our spouses and even ourselves.
Whichever way they choose to do it, those who sow disharmony in a relationship are always toxic, but it sometimes takes some brutal honesty to come to terms with who and what is causing things to go south in your relationship.
Interfering
The interferer can be a hard person to spot. They might be the parent who reorganizes the kitchen without asking, or they might be the aunt who gives your children caffeinated soda (even when you asked them not to). There are a lot of different ways that our loved ones can interfere in our romantic relationships — and every single one of them is toxic.
Being passive-aggressive.
Our family members can manipulate our emotions like no one else, and this most often happens through passive-aggressive behavior.
Passive-aggressive interference occurs when a third-party manipulates a couple (or one of its members) by expressing and anger that they deny as their own. Think of the mother who withdraws or refuses to participate because she “doesn’t like” your partner or the activity. It could also be the person who teases or pretends that things are not as they are.
Blame is a big part of the passive-aggressive game, and that comes down to shifting the blame for their own feelings and opinions onto others. Passive-aggressive people can be hard to spot, and even harder to detach from, but it’s necessary in order to protect ourselves and the ones we love.
How friends interfere.
It’s not just our family that can undermine our romantic relationships. Those we consider our friends (or just acquaintances) can also do a lot to rip apart the romantic connections we value so much. These interferences are often more sinister and subtle in nature, so being aware of them and the consequences they can have for your relationship is key.
Creating doubt
When our friends or those around us constantly question our partner, it can create doubts that seriously undermine the trust that is crucial for the survival of any relationship.
Even if our partners are clear with us about who they are and what they want from life and their connections, constant questioning or criticism from a third-party can force us to question our spouses and companions. With these people, even seemingly innocent questions becomes kernels of insecurity.
Seduction
Though we might be resilient to the occasional flirtation here and there, a full on seduction can be corrosive to the health of any relationship. How resilient is your relationship to someone who attempts to offer more? Knowing the answer to this question before the need arises is how you avoid the issue altogether.
A little (un)healthy competition
We all know that person who just can’t resist doing “one better” than everyone else. If you describe your vacation, they describe a better one. If you suggest a restaurant, they suggest a better one.
These individuals pose an especially dangerous threat to a relationship because they feel a constant and driving need to be superior. This deep-seated need often stems from insecurity and drives them to interfere in relationships they see as happy or successful.
Draining your resources
Though this can occur with our family members, it can also occur with our friends. This draining of resources can occur when an “energy vampire” steals enough time or attention to create a conflict between you and your partner. It can also occur when a friend or family member demands more time or material wealth than can be comfortably given away.
Signs your relationship is under attack.
If you’re not sure, there are a few concrete signs that you relationship is under attack from someone or something on the outside. While some of these issues can stem from internal problems within the relationships (or the partners) many of them also stem from outside influence. Be sure you know how to spot these signs, or forever risk asking yourself “what if?”
Wandering hearts, wandering eyes
When our heart and our eyes start to wander, it’s often due to the influence or temptation of outside sources. Being attracted to other people is natural, but feeling driven to act on those impulses (despite our commitments otherwise)? Well, that’s when trouble starts.
If you find that your heart or your mind are starting to consider “greener pastures”, ask yourself: Is this because of a specific (temporary) person or feeling, or is it happening because of something deeper in my relationship? Be brutally honest about the truth and don’t shy away from the facts that make you wince.
Selfish rather than selfless
If you find that your relationship is requiring a lot more give than take, then chances are there’s an imbalance that could be impacted by outside sources.
Though couples drift naturally, a sudden shift into self-centered mode by one or both partners can be a major-warning sign that someone is interfering where they shouldn’t be. there are a lot of messages out there in our society that tell us our own happiness comes first, that just isn’t true in a romantic partnership.
It’s important to keep your needs in sight, yes, but it’s critical to consider the needs of the other partner as well. When your relationship takes a one-way ticket to self-centeredness, it’s often a sign that outside forces or pressure is at work.
Perpetual aggravation
When one partner seems perpetually annoyed, there’s often outside sources at play. The people around us can be masters of creating doubt, and that can cause us to get clingy, rigid or demanding with our partners. When we’re feeling stressed our doubtful about something, it lowers our resilience and makes us lash out in strange ways. Annoyance and aggravation in a relationship can be exasperated by friends or family who insist on sticking their noses where they shouldn’t be.
Uninvited enablers
Those who are intent on dividing us from our spouses and partners often use enablement as a means of getting in the middle. When third parties enable one member of a couple, they are encouraging behaviors that are destructive, heedless of the destruction being done.
They might do this for entertainment, spite or just because they’re generally ignorant of the consequences in their life. Friends who keep us out late (despite our protestations) or who offer access to things that are best left alone, are toxic and intent on destroying our relationship — whether we realize it or not.
Defeating this type of interference takes confrontation, but that in itself takes a certain type of understanding and know-how. Enablers aren’t to be taken lightly, they should be address at all costs. No one can undermine a relationship quite like the enabler intent on destruction.
Constant disruption
Simple interruptions might not seem like a problem the first time-or-two they occur, but they quickly add up to equal big problems for the couple on a downslide. Malicious third parties love to create issues in our partnerships by creating chaos that impacts everything from internal organization to ability to focus. While one partner might handle the interruption well, the other may not, and all it takes is one misunderstanding to end up in a world of “couple issues”.
How to lock your relationship down and kick the interlopers to the curb.
If the picture above seems scary, don’t despair. There are a number of ways you can protect yourself and your partner from the malicious intent of others, but it takes honest communication and commitment each day. If you’re worried that your relationship is under attack, use these simple techniques to lock your relationship down before it’s too late.
1. Set boundaries (and stick to them).
Boundaries are not only important on a personal level, they are important on a relationship level as well. Our boundaries are the foundation of our health and happiness, but they have to be clear and we have to put a little work into them each day. The boundaries that are contained within our relationships guide our decisions, while fulfilling our need for stability. They’re important, and it’s critical that we stress their importance to the people around us.
Each couple has unique needs when it comes to their boundaries. Some partners value strong communication, while others value freedom and independence. It’s important to protect those values and support the needs of one another through frank and honest conversation. Decide what’s important to both of you and look for common ground that can help you maintain a strong and united front when the pressure is on. Start small and focus on a few new boundaries at a time, but don’t forget that you need to set boundaries with others as well.
You can’t set boundaries for other people until you have set boundaries for one another as partners. Once you’ve done that, you can zero in on tightening things up, so that you’re both better able to resists the stressors and temptations of outside influences.
Develop these either preemptively or as the need arises, making sure you maintain honest and open channels of communication throughout. These boundaries need to be agreed upon, and set with a certain degree of understanding on behalf of both partners. Discuss things, but trust one another’s judgement calls and know that they will always choose what’s best for both of you, not just themselves.
2. Maintain a united front.
If you’re not a team, you’re not going to be able to overcome even the smallest of challenges to your unity. Reassure your partner that you’re one their side, and make sure they’re on yours. Unwavering support is what it takes to overcome a third-party hell bent on destruction, but that only created by the two of you engaging in strengthening communication and experiences.
Get rid of that tendency to side with someone else against your partner. Drop that criticism in front of others. Present a united front at all times and make it clear that you won’t ever allow someone else to damage the foundation you’ve both worked so hard to create. You both need to be committed to the cause, and you both need to make it clear that you’re one unit; one army — united.
3. Limit the influence of others.
Once you have a united front and a united collection of boundaries, you can then set about limiting the influence of others on your relationship, effectively. We all have difference tolerance levels, but you need to come together with your partner to decide the amount and type of influence you’re going to allow to impact your relationship.
You don’t limit the influence of others by shutting them out, you limit it by creating a plan ahead of time and trusting your partner, no matter what.
The outside influences in our life can be friends, family and even co-workers. There is always going to be at least one person in your life that is trying to influence or manipulate you in some way, so it’s wise to have a general plan before you’re confronted with a challenge or a threat from someone outside your partnership.
Decide how you will support one another through such confrontations, and be honest when some topics are strictly off-limits. Don’t respond to guilt trips and make sure you’re both clear on the plan of action when major decisions or family values come into the mix.
If you don’t learn how to limit the influence of others — and do it effectively — it will become an ongoing problem in your relationship that could drive and irreparable wedge between you. Make a plan of action that works for you both and stick to it. No one knows your relationship better than the two of you. Take charge of it and make it clear you won’t allow interferers or enablers to get involved.
Putting it all together…
It’s critical to learn how to spot outside threats to our romantic relationships. These threats can come from friends and family alike, and they can occur in a number of subtle and malicious ways. From passive-aggressive interference to all-out fabricated crises — there are an array of ways the people around us undermine our relationships; but they can be thwarted with a little know-how and a little understanding.
Learn how to spot the signs of interference and know the difference between a caring friend and a nosey interloper. Wandering eyes and perpetual aggravation are often signs that someone is getting in the way, but you have to be honest and you have to be open in order to limit the effects of this interference. Protect your love by setting boundaries, maintaining a united front and limiting the influence of the more dangerous third-party elements in your environment. While falling in love might be easy, maintaining it takes work. Protect your work and your heart by protecting your relationship each and every day.
