Don’t ignore these signs of an abusive relationship

Not all abuse comes with bruises and broken bones. These are the subtle signs of emotional abuse you need to be aware of.

by: E.B. Johnson

Not all abuse lives out in the open, where we can spot its vengeance in a black eye or a broken wrist. Some abuse lurks quietly along the edges of our relationships, seeping in slowly until we’re overcome and drowning in a mess of our own making. Are you in an abusive relationship? Your partner doesn’t have to hit you to make you suffer. That’s why it’s so important to be aware of the signs of emotional abuse and subtle ways in which it will undermine your happiness and your safety.

Abuse isn’t always easy to spot.

Traditionally, we think of abuse as something that happens on a physical plane, but there are many forms of abuse that toxic people engage in. Perhaps the most insidious form of abuse is that of emotional abuse, when a partner targets your emotional state in order to demean and control you. Maybe they terrorize you with anger, or they manipulate you by creating insecurity and upset. Either way, it’s completely poisonous to your state of mind and a destroyer of any security and stability.

We’re conditioned to chase relationships. We’re not conditioned to see the dangerous ones for what they really are.

So many of us have been conditioned to chase intimate relationships at any cost, but not enough of us have been taught to evaluate those relationships honestly. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, you have to face the issues in it. Does your partner belittle you? Dismiss you? Do they hold your relationship hostage and threaten to break up with you any time there’s an issue? Emotional abuse doesn’t always look like we think it does. If you feel like you’ve come to a crossroads, then it may be time to honestly confront the reality of your relationship.

The subtle signs of emotional abuse you’ve been ignoring.

Is there a serious problem in your relationship that you just can’t put your finger on? Does your partner avoid hitting you — but still terrorizes you all the same? Not all abuse is physical. Very often, our partners use mental and emotional violence against us in order to manipulate and control us.

Feeling “too sensitive”

Does your partner tell you that you’re “too sensitive” any time you get upset? Do they use this to shut you down any time you question them or their behavior? You’ve become afraid to speak up about the things that bother you because you’re filled with self-doubt. Maybe you have started to believe the lie; because every time you open up, your partner dismisses it or brushes it off in order to avoid accountability . This is a form of emotional abuse and one we often struggle to see for the poison that it is.

Blame games abound

Would you describe your partner as someone who takes accountability? When they’re wrong, are they quick to admit it? Do they apologize when they hurt your feelings and then work to correct the behavior? The abusive partner is someone who goes to great lengths in order to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They will gaslight you to avoid accountability. They may blame you for everything that goes wrong in their lives, or the relationship. The goal is to make you shoulder the guilt they don’t want to face.

Emotional hostage-taking

Emotional hostage taking is a common way in which abusers get us to agree to their wishes. Depending on your relationship, this could look very different in different situations. Your partner might withdraw affection or warmth when they don’t get their way or get confronted with an issue. Likewise, they may threaten to break up with you, threaten to take the children away from you, or threaten to harm themselves (or others) if you don’t do what they want you to.

Lack of compassion

Compassion is another key component of happy and loving relationships. You and your partner need to feel sympathy for one another, and you need to have empathy for what the other person is feeling or dealing with. While you may not outrightly notice your partner being mean or brushing you off, you may feel or notice a distinct lack of compassion. When you come to them with a problem, they treat it like it’s trivial. When you ask that space is made for your emotions, you’re ignored or told to toughen up. When your partner needs help, however — it’s full steam ahead.

Endless judgement

Unconditional love is so important when it comes to maintaining stable and respectful partnerships. When we feel judged by our partners, we begin to shut down, hate ourselves, or even lose our authenticity. You may. feel judged for who you are, what you wear, what your body looks like, the goals you have, the job you have, and even the friends that you keep. When it comes to this type of abuse, you don’t feel supported; you feel like you’re being judged all the time and you never stack up.

Feeling inferior

Does your partner go out of their way to make you feel as though you are inferior, or less worthy than they are? Do they run you down, call you names, or otherwise rip apart your self-esteem? All of this is aimed at making you feel less worthy than your partner. This insecurity is then reinforced by your partner’s negative behavior. They might lash out, call you dumb, or insinuate that you’re not good enough to have a degree of happiness.

Walking on eggshells

We know that those with physically abusive partners live their lives in fear; overly careful not to upset their partners lest they put their lives in danger. We don’t always realize that we are doing the same in our emotionally abusive relationships, though. Though you may not know why, you can find that you are constantly nervous to step out of line or make things uncomfortable for your partner. That’s because you know their reaction will be exhausting and uncomfortable, so you avoid honesty in favor of comfort.

Social manipulation

One of the most sly ways in which our partners seek to control us is through the use of social manipulation. Rather than hitting us, they isolate us so they are better able to break us down mentally. Your partner might want to know where you are and who you are with at all times. They may want to control what activities you do, and who you enjoy those activities with. In fact, they may even try to limit your friend groups or isolate you from your family.

What you need to do next.

Have you recognized the signs of emotional abuse in your life? Spotting them simply isn’t enough. If you’re waking up to a toxic reality, it’s important that you take steps to safeguard yourself and your wellbeing. Emotional abuse is no less dangerous than physical abuse. As a matter of fact, its effects can linger on for decades to come. Draw the battle lines early and refuse to let your life be overcome and destroyed. Take action for yourself and your love.

1. Establish a support system

Abuse is one of the most challenging and transformative experiences we can undergo. It changes the way we think, the way we see ourselves, and even the way we see others. Living in an abusive relationship can teach you a fear that pervades into every corner of your life. Sometimes, you become so confused by the fear that it becomes impossible to see a way out. That’s when our support systems become especially important.

There is very little real chance of escaping an abusive relationship without some kind of support. While you are the only one who can take that first step to free yourself, the support of loved ones and professionals can be invaluable in doing it safely and effectively.

Surround yourself with people that you trust. Reach out and find a mental health or relationships expert who can relate to you. Open up about what’s going on and share some experiences you’re having. As the victim of emotional abuse, you will be facing a lot of uncertainty. Anchor yourself to people who want the best for you. Listen to them and allow them to motivate you and inspire you to do the right thing for your happiness and safety.

2. Take time to process

Our emotions are powerful, and they can become even more overwhelming when they result from emotional abuse and manipulation. We often react to our emotions before we take time to really sort them and process them. If you’re serious about getting free of the abuse, or just waking up to the reality of your relationship, then you need to give yourself time to process how you’re feeling. How is your partner’s behavior impacting you? And how do you want it to change?

Don’t get entirely wrapped up in the support you’re receiving from others. Make no mistake, you’re the only one who can do the hard work of getting through the mess you’re in. You need time to process before you do that, though, and you need time to settle and consider what you want to do.

Give yourself time and space to process and understand what’s going on in your relationship. You need to work through each of your feelings and question where they’re coming from (and what they’re pointing you to). You need to give yourself enough space to see your partner as they truly are. All of these things only come with time and a greater awareness of self. Reflect on what you want from your life and compare it to the pain you’re living in now.

3. Confront the reality

Until you admit what’s really going on in your relationship (and who your partner really is) you’ll never be able to change things. We have to face reality so that we can identify effective paths for moving forward toward happiness. You’ve got to admit who your partner is, and you have to admit the toll their treatment is taking on your emotions and your self-esteem. From there, you can create a vision of the reality you need to build for your wellbeing.

Confront the reality of your situation and the reality of who your partner is. You have to accept how you’re being treated if you want to change it. Ignoring it will lead you nowhere but heartbreak. Know too that you’ve got to confront your partner, and address how you’re feeling (whether they like it or not).

If safe to do so, sit your partner down in a quiet place where you can speak uninterrupted. Take your time and compassionately explain where you’re at. Give examples of their behavior and then describe how that behavior made you feel. Avoid blaming language and keep it as clinical and fact-based as possible. Say whatever you need to say and then give them an opportunity to explain themselves. If they can’t apologize, give 50/50 in the dialogue, or agree to change things in a civil way — get your words out and move on. You don’t owe them more abuse of your person.

4. Build better boundaries

There is no denying the need for boundaries when it comes to our romantic relationships. Partnerships thrive on healthy boundaries. These boundaries help us communicate what we want, what we don’t want, and even what we expect from various situations and even our partners. Boundaries allow us to safeguard our wellbeing, but also communicate to others how they can best live alongside us. There’s nothing selfish about boundaries. They’re a foundation to happiness.

Establish some boundaries with yourself and others, and use them to put space between you and your emotional abuser. These boundaries are important and draw the line around the things we expect from our partners and the behaviors we’re not willing to tolerate.

Decide how you want to be treated and commit to it. Tell your partner what will and will not fly when it comes to how they treat you. Make space for yourself and make it clear that those who disrespect you will lose space in your life. We all have a right to be happy and at peace in the bonds and homes we share. Give that to yourself with boundaries you stand up for. Boundaries that tell the world you value and honor everything that is within you.

5. Fall in love with yourself

At the end of the day, the only real way to escape abuse is by leaving the abuser behind. That’s a step you may not be prepared to make at this point, however, as it is one that requires a build-up of courage and planning. Before you can free yourself from their endless harassment and belittlement, you need to believe in your right to be happy away from them. Outside of that, you have to learn to love yourself more than you love them and their abuse of you.

The more in love with yourself you are, the less likely you will be to settle for poor treatment, dismissal, and abuse. That’s why it’s so crucial that you invest in self-love and self-care before making any big decisions or taking major action.

Fall in love with yourself on the inside and the outside. Allow yourself to fall in love with your body and all those skills and personality quirks that make you unique. Stop running from yourself and realize the extent of the value that you hold to the world. Believe in your right to be happy on your own terms and become resolute in getting the future you deserve. Holding on to people who don’t love you as deeply as you love yourself will only set you back. Give yourself the validation and the affection you need to thrive.

Putting it all together…

It’s not always easy to admit that we’re in an abusive relationship, nor is it always easy to spot the signs. Not all abuse happens out in the open, leaving bruises or scars in its wake. Some abuse happens quietly, tearing us up from the inside with emotional threats and mental anguish that makes it hard to function. Are you the victim of such abuse? Admitting is the first step to taking the action you need to feel happy again.

Establish a support system and surround yourself with people you can trust to help you. These can be friends, family, and even relationship experts. Waking up to abuse and moving away from it are a process. Find support along the way and don’t rush the journey. You will come to the right answers in the right time. Confront your reality and — if needed — confront your partner, too. Open up an honest dialogue and let them know how their behavior is affecting you. Once you’ve said what you need to say, look toward action and establishing a safe space for yourself and your happiness. Build better boundaries and fall in love with yourself from the inside out. The more love and worth you find on the inside, the less you will go looking for it in toxic people on the outside.

• Evans, P. (2010). The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and how to Respond. Avon, Mass.: Adams Media.

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