Your partner is trying to isolate you
Has your other-half driven all your other relationships to the brink? They’re trying to isolate you.
by: E.B. Johnson
Relationships can be difficult to navigate, and even more challenging when we confronted with adversity of differences in opinion. Piecing together a shared life means compromising, and it means merging all the aspects of our families, social circles, and limitless expectations. Sometimes, we can become isolated when things get dark. Even worse, we can find that the person we love most is actively trying to corner us or cut us off from the people that we love and that we need.
A partner who discourages you from building strong support networks or social circles is a toxic partner who is plagued by insecurity. When we’re in a trusting and stable relationship with someone who is mature and ready to work, there is no lack of trust and no need to isolate you from the other people you love. If you are dealing with a spouse or loved one who’s doing their best to disrupt your friendships and family bonds, then it’s time to take note. You need to stand up for yourself and understand the risks you’re taking.
Isolation is an early sign of abuse.
Love can be exciting and even obsessive at first. We love the feeling of butterflies in our stomach, and we love getting to know someone new. This type of intense infatuation, though, usually results in social isolation for one or more of the partners. Over time, this becomes a toxic pattern that leaves us open to abuse and heartbreak — left at the mercy of partners who want us completely under their control.
Isolation in a relationship is always unhealthy and occurs when one (or sometimes both) partners shut themselves off from anyone outside of the partnership. Abusive partners most commonly use this tactic to isolate their partners from support networks, or outside influences that might otherwise impede their manipulation and need for control.
Don’t allow your partner to drive you from your friends or your loved ones. In order to build happy, healthy relationships, we have to be able to hold on to our individuality and value that individuality in one another. You have a right to the friendships that fulfill your heart. You have a right to be close to your family and enjoy your time with them. Be honest with yourself and embrace reality for what it is. Then, you can create a plan to move forward into a partnership that is more rewarding and fulfilling.
Signs they’re trying to isolate you.
Is your partner trying to isolate you? Do they drive away your friends, or bully you into cutting your bonds with the people who support you and love you? Isolation is toxic behavior, and often an early warning sign of potential abuse. Before you can confront it, however, you need to admit how this intentional act of social isolation is impacting your life and your relationship.
Throwing a fit
Does your partner throw a fit or always find a way to create drama with you when you hang out with your friends, or spend time with your family? Do they stomp around the house? Pick little arguments or otherwise act abrasive and irrational? This throwing a fit is meant to cause conflict in your outside relationships and also make you feel guilty and ashamed for finding enjoyment outside of your partnership. Think of it like a child throwing a fit when all the spotlight isn’t on them. It’s a means of taking you away from your friends.
Criticizing endlessly
Criticism is a subtle tactic which manipulators use to slowly erode your connections and your sense of self-worth. Your partner may not outright forbid you from seeing your family and friends. They might, however, run them down (and run you down too). They will attempt to decrease their worth in your eyes, so that you pull away of your own free will. Likewise, they can insinuate that you are somehow less of a person for associating with those they don’t deem “worthy”.
Personal attacks
Personal attacks often come on the back of endless criticisms. The partner or spouse who wants to isolate you may make you feel like a bad person for seeing your friends or family. They may make you doubt your ability as a parent or a partner; make it seem as though you are low for enjoying your time with them. Thy can also attack your character and make accusations like cheating or infidelity in order to push you away from the people who can see them for who they really are.
Uncomfortable experiences
Not all isolation attempts are focused on the other person in the equation. Sometimes our partners and spouses can focus their attentions on our outside relationships themselves in order to sabotage them. They may make it too uncomfortable any time your friends or family come around, in an effort to get them to leave and pull away (rather than pushing them away). Maybe they’re nasty to them in person, or kick off conflicts and confrontations that make it impossible to find peace as a group.
Jealous overreactions
Jealousy is a toxic emotion, and one that can cause us to behave in negative or challenging ways. Our jealousy comes from a place of insecurity. So when your partner lashes out or gets upset about a relationship you share with an old friend or loved one, it’s often because they feel threatened by that relationship. It brings up feelings of inadequacy or shortcoming in them and, rather than addressing it, they turn that jealousy around to project it on you.
Passive-aggressive punishment
Passive-aggressive behavior is one of the most common signs of a partner who is attempting to isolate you. This tactic involves making your life miserable without ever directly addressing issues. When you go and see your friends, you come home to the silent treatment, or slamming doors and clear contempt. They might make it impossible for you to talk on the phone, or even find a way to interrupt all your plans with drama of their own. There’s no end to the manipulations when it comes to the partner who wants you isolated.
What you need to do next.
You cannot allow yourself to become completely isolated. You need your friends and family in order to keep your spirits up and your perspective in check. Allowing yourself to be bullied into a corner leaves you at risk and in danger. Rather than letting the abuse go on, you need to take action in the name of your wellbeing.
1. Get on-page with reality
Reality is a funny thing. We all see reality differently and we all have our perceptions of it. You may notice that your friends and close relationships are slipping away as your intimate partnership increases in intensity. You may not perceive it to be dangerous or risky, however, because you perceive other aspects of your relationship to be so great. We have to get on-page with reality and see our connections for what they truly are in order to heal.
Stop running from the truth. Before you lose one more friend or family member, you need to take a step back and look at things from another angle. If one of your siblings or parent were dealing with a partner who isolated them or shamed their friends — how would you react?
Ask yourself what you would if a stranger behaved the way your partner behaves. Question why you feel the need to give in when your partner demands that you cut ties with someone you love, or bullies them out of your life. Get on the same page as reality. Admit the hard truths so that you can move forward toward an authentic path to healing and self-respect. The sooner you admit where you’re
2. Find your feet
Many of us cling to toxic partners because we hope that they will change, or we believe that we aren’t strong enough to stand on our own. This lack of self-confidence leaves us vulnerable, but it also convinces us to stay put and powerless in situations that aren’t good for us. You need to find your feet, and with that the courage to stand up for yourself and the relationships that bring you meaning and fulfillment.
Get clear on what means the most, and what you want from life and your relationships. Focus on the strengths you have and find ways to celebrate them each day. Find comfort in patting yourself on the back and know that you are strong, capable, and worthy of building all the things you want.
Branch out on your own. Slowly, increase your personal space and within that the bonds you share with your friends and your loved ones. Allow yourself to become more and more independent, and as your independence grows see how capable you are of standing on your own two feet. Once you are fully confident in your independence, you’ll be better equipped to stand up for yourself and your friendships.
3. Re-establish connection
In order to rebuild your support networks, you have to put in some time and energy re-establishing the connections that were destroyed by your partner. This takes time, and it can be very delicate. Some of your closest friends and partners may not understand what happened, or what kind of position you were put in. That’s okay. Part of rebuilding these networks is finding new, supportive people to feel them.
Make a conscious and mindful effort to reach out to the people you trust most. Bring them back by letting them know that you need them. Let them know what’s going on and tell them what you need by bringing them back into your life. Those who truly love you will still stand beside you, those who don’t — won’t.
Lean into your family and friend groups outside of your relationship. Open up to them and allow them back into your life (without the influence of your partner). If your partner protests, use the experience as practice in setting boundaries. Explain that you value your relationship with them, but that you also value the bonds you share with close friends and family members. Make it clear that they are important and immovable aspects of your life and who you are.
4. Have some serious conversations
If you feel like your partner is isolating you, you need to confront them and address what’s going on. When you avoid dealing with the issue head-on, it allows it to grow and snowball into an even more complicated emotion. You have to dig deep and find the courage to stand up for yourself. You’ll need to set boundaries, but you’ll also need to communicate those boundaries by speaking up and refusing to allow the isolation to continue.
Try to find a safe time and space to sit down with your partner and open up. Address their behavior, and the actions or words that have led you to believe that holding sacred friendships is not a safe thing anymore. Avoid blame language and focus on your feelings. Explain how being cut off from your friends feels, and how you plan to correct it.
It’s very important to pay close attention to how your partner responds to this conversation. A good partner will immediately take note of your emotions and find ways to compromise with you. Someone who is looking to take advantage of you (or abuse you) may respond far more negatively, confrontationally, or with dismissal and denial. Remember who you are and enlist the help of a loved one or relationship expert who can keep you both civil and respectful with one another.
5. Fall in love with your happiness
Many of us settle for partners who don’t want the best for us. This isn’t because we make a conscious decision, or we like the look of a dramatic, abusive, isolated relationship. Usually, it comes from a low sense of self-esteem and a lack of love for self. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a life that is filled with love and respect.
It’s time for you to embrace your right to thrive and be happy in a relationship that is safe, supportive, and stable. You don’t have to be stuck — cornered and alone — with someone who doesn’t allow you to build the life that aligns with your values and joy. Fall in love with yourself as much as you love your other half.
You have a limited amount of time on this planet, and a limited amount of real estate in your life. Fill that space with people who matter. People who lift you up and who are lifted up by your authentic life and love. Once you learn how to love yourself, the world will unlock before you. You’ll shed the past and the people who couldn’t value you, so that you can get in-tune and aligned with the people who are waiting to love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Putting it all together…
Is your partner trying to isolate you? It’s crucial that we look out for signs like endless criticisms, jealous overreactions, and passive aggressive behavior that forces us to isolate ourselves or cut ties with the people who matter. This is toxic behavior that leaves us at risk for abuse. In order to break the pattern, you’re going to have to deep-dive into some honesty and take stock of who you are and what you want.
Get on-page with reality. You need to accept who your partner is and the behavior that’s driving your friends and family out of your life. There is enough room for everyone you love in your life, and your partner should respect that. Find your feet and learn how to stand on your own. Use this to increase your self-confidence and the knowledge that you have the power to dictate your own life. You don’t have to allow someone else to destroy your happiness. Reach out to those you love and trust and re-establish those connections. Touch base again with the people who matter and allow them to show you a different perspective. A partner who isolates us is toxic, so we have to make the choice to assert ourselves and build the life (and relationships) that are right for us. Fall in love with your own happiness and learn to love your right to thrive with a partner who doesn’t isolate you.
