The common tactics of master manipulators

If you feel like your relationships are out of your control, you might have fallen victim to a master manipulator.

by: E.B. Johnson

Manipulators are all around us, spinning their lies and their stories in an effort to charm, shame and control us. Whether you find them in your bedroom, or the boardroom — you have to learn to spot the signs of a master manipulator in order to protect yourself against them. This requires brutal honesty, but it also requires an alertness and a willingness to stand up for our own desires and needs.

Stop falling victim to the machinations of the manipulators in your life. Start standing up for yourself and arming yourself in the knowledge you need to cultivate assertiveness. It’s not always possible to eliminate the manipulators around us. So, we have to learn how to create a greater sense of space and put up the boundaries that can safeguard our happiness and our wellbeing at all times. When it comes to master manipulators, you alone have the power to stop their attacks and ensure the safe and welcoming environment you need to thrive.

Manipulators are all around us.

There’s no escaping manipulators when it comes to living in the real world. They can be our friends, our partners, and even our parents and our siblings. We run into them at work, and we run into them in social situations. You can’t entirely remove manipulators from every environment you live in. But you can learn the skills you need to protect yourself from them. Let go of those ideas of giving in, and embrace a new reality and a new sense of awareness that can empower you.

Manipulators are literally in every environment we exist in. Even we ourselves can engage in manipulative behavior without even realizing what we’re doing. To some, however, this manipulation is a means to power and a means to control others. To these we are simply a means to an end, and it’s important that we learn to spot their signs quickly and early on.

You must stop denying the red flags that are waving in yourself. Knowing the signs of a master manipulator is not to admit a flaw or a mistake on your part. It’s simply to acknowledge the reality of the people you surround yourself with. Don’t turn away from the truth, whether that manipulator is a partner, a spouse, or even your boss. Discover how to stand up for yourself the right way and take action against their manipulations in the name of your wellbeing.

The common tactics of master manipulators.

When it comes to master manipulators, there are a few common tactics that most tend to rely on. From constant projection, to passive-aggressive bullying — defeating a manipulator in real life requires that we spot their toxic behaviors first.

Constant projection

One of the most common tactics of master manipulators is that of projection. When we project, we take whatever our internal hangups (or ideals) are and force ourselves to see those things in others. To the manipulator, this happens by blaming everyone else for the hardship they experience in life. Everything is the world’s fault — not theirs. When they get called up for their behavior, they’ll quickly turn and blame the closest party for forcing them to act that way. Likewise, we generally stick around manipulators because we project the person we wish they were all over them, viewing the entire situation with poisonously rose-tinted goggles.

Gaslighting as standard

Gaslighting refers to an abusive tactic of flipping the blame, while forcing the victim to internalize a number of bad thoughts and feelings. When a manipulator engages in this tactic, they take a bad behavior or action and then force the other person to believe that the poor behavior is their fault. For example, your manipulator loses their temper and lashes out. Then, they say something like, “Well, if you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have to get angry.” They might tell you that you’re crazy, or flip the script every time they act out and confront them about their behavior.

Lying all the time

Lying is a hallmark of master manipulators, and they utilize it with skill and ease. To them, lying is not a “bad” or “painful” thing. It’s a means to an end, and (often) the easiest way for them to get what they want. They will lie to you about anything and everything, too. From where they’re going to be, to what they really want from you. Manipulators never tell the truth, because the truth is that they want you to do what they want you to do — and they don’t want you to question it.

Undue pressure

What happens when you tell the manipulator in your life the word “no”? Chanes are, they revert to exerting a lot of pressure on you in order to get what they want. When lying and gaslighting doesn’t work, the manipulator is not above using pressures (like guilt and shame)in order to get what they want. The more pressure they exert, the more likely you are to give in. If you want to identify the master manipulators in your life, look for the person who exerts undue pressure any time their whims are denied.

Intimidating challengers

Manipulators like to be in control of their environments, which means they have a hard time accepting challengers who call them out for what they are. Look at the manipulators in your life. What happens when a new person enters their atmosphere? How do they react when someone close to them calls out their behavior? You might find that they react with an intimidating response, or they go out of their way to belittle that person whenever they’re not around. It’s about undermining their power and ensuring they can’t interfere in the manipulator’s games.

Avoiding the question

Manipulators engage in avoidance more avidly than most politicians. This is because it’s one of the primary ways they maintain their hold on power (and their destructive tendencies.) If you question the manipulator’s intentions or their approach, you’ll find them running for the hills or doing every form of mental gymnastics to escape the truthful answer. Perhaps this is because the answer is, quite simply — I want what I want, and I want you to give it to me.

Charming when it counts

While a master manipulator’s behavior is often toxic and destructive, they are still often some of the most charming people in our lives. This is a part of their cycle of abuse. They use their charm in order to mask their negative thoughts and activities and use it to when people to their sides whenever they find themselves cornered. This person might fake concern and genuinely make you believe that your happiness is a priority to them. They’re nice, funny, astute, and compassionate when it counts.

Devaluing the competition

One of the very subtle tactics that master manipulators use is devaluing others in order to raise you up. This takes place most specifically in romantic relationships, but it can happen in the workplace and family groups too. In order to ingratiate themselves to you, the manipulator tells you about all the people who came before you (in a similar place). They then tell you how awful that person was and create a false air of superiority that makes you more trusting of the manipulator. This also sets the tone for further division and chaos, which is great for someone trying to take control.

Passive-aggressive behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior, too, is a staple of the manipulator. This is a means of belittling and sowing division, while never directly taking and confronting action. For example, rather than telling you that they want you to do something — the manipulator might suddenly change their attitude with you and become cold or uncommunicative. Feeling insecure, you are then forced to run to them and ask, “What’s wrong? What can I do?” Rather than stating how they feel (or what they want) outright, they give you the cold shoulder, make snide comments, or even talk about you behind your back.

Why they engage in these behaviors.

Don’t understand why the manipulators in your life engage in such undermining and destructive behavior? It comes down to 4 basic desires: gain control, avoid growing or changing, plant doubt, and hide true intentions at all times.

Gaining control

There is nothing more delicious to the master manipulator than the idea of controlling their environments and the people in it. Manipulators learned early on in life that they were able to make people do what they want by engaging in certain behaviors. So, they fine-tune these behaviors over time and use them to pave the way right into their heart’s desires. Manipulation is not really about fun to them. It’s about making sure their needs and wants are met at all times.

Avoiding change

Master manipulators also engage in their behaviors in an effort to avoid growing or changing as a person. Rather than outrightly demanding the things they want, they work undercover so that they can avoid responsibility or confrontation for their social crimes. The problem here, though, is that learning to take that responsibility is precisely what helps us to grow up and start cultivating more happy, mature, and equitable partnerships and friendships. You can avoid taking responsibility and you can’t avoid change forever.

Planting doubt

Manipulative behaviors — above and beyond anything else — plant doubt in the minds of those being manipulated. This doubt eats away at them and makes them reconsider everything from how they’re feeling, to what they want for themselves. Planting doubt is very intentional to the master manipulator. The more doubtful you are, the easier it is to step in and implant corruptive thoughts. These thoughts make you more pliable and also make you more likely to move in the direction of the manipulator’s whims.

Hiding true intentions

If you think that manipulation is only about controlling others, you’d be wrong. It is also a massive game that meant to conceal the true intentions of the manipulator. Think about it. If the manipulative person only spoke to you in declarative statements, “Do this…Do that…Go there…Come here…” — how likely would you be to keep them around? That’s where manipulation comes in. It masks these demands and the intentions of the manipulator, in such a way that you are more compliant and less likely to realize what’s going on.

How to deal with the manipulator in your life.

You don’t have to allow the manipulator to have control over your life forever. You can take back your power and learn to protect yourself by becoming more assertive and focused on your own needs and intentions. You alone have the power to safeguard yourself. Do you have the courage too?

1. Center on your own intentions

Manipulators are always seeking to twist and distort reality around their wishes or needs, in order to get what they want and push us in that same direction. In order to avoid getting shoved toward their desires, we have to ensure that we are staying focused and centered on our own intentions and our own needs. Don’t compromise when it comes to where your boundary lines lie.

When you feel the pressure coming down from the manipulator, take a step back and get clarity on your values, intentions and desires. Are you being pushed toward something you want to do? Or, are you be pressured to take a turn that’s not entirely in line with what you want, or who you are?

The more focused we stay on our own needs, the easier it becomes to fend off the attacks and excuses of the manipulator. Look past their charm and their passive-aggressive bullying tactics. Look past their empty promises, or the threats they push your way. Constantly compromising yourself for other people will only land you square in the middle of their happiness. Have enough self-respect to look after your authentic joy, needs and wellbeing.

2. Never react without space to think

More often than not, manipulators use their subversive tactics to get an emotional rise out of us. The more happy or sad or angry they can make us, the easier it becomes to wedge themselves inside our psyche and push us in the direction they’d like is to move. Everything is a chess game to the manipulator, so you have to learn to outmaneuver them. This begins with giving yourself room to process your emotions and thoughts.

Before agreeing to anything or reacting to any baiting, take a step back and take a deep breath. Count to 10 and allow your thoughts and emotions to come freely to you. Following this, take some time (as much time as you need) to think through how you feel.

Really analyze your emotions and question the reaction you’re having. If they’ve made you angry, ask what benefit that anger might have to them? Look for subtle manipulations or requests made of you when you’re in the height of your feelings. Does this person make you extremely upset and then push you in the direction of a very specific reaction? These are all things you can spot when you give yourself enough time to detach from your emotions and view things from a removed perspective.

3. Find the courage to say “no” more often

You have to grow a backbone when it comes to dealing with the manipulator in your life — whether you cut them out entirely, or keep them around forever. When you’re a people-pleaser, saying “no” can be a scary prospect. Even when we don’t like someone ourselves, we often want them to like us. We’re raised to believe that telling someone “no” keeps them from liking us. The brutal truth is, however, that your happiness is more important than whether someone likes you.

Start saying no and do it emphatically. When you don’t agree with something — say so. When you don’t like how someone is treating you — say so. Stick up for yourself and do it every second of every day. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed around. It’s okay to turn down people and situations and opportunities that don’t suit you.

Make a point to say no more often. Protect your energy and your bubble by making sure you’re not stepping outside of your preferred environment for someone who is trying to take advantage of your light. The more often you lean into this new assertiveness, the easier it will become. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with turning people down. We have a finite amount of time, energy and resources. Respect that and ensure that those around you respect that too.

4. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries

While being more assertive is certainly a part of learning how to deal with the manipulators in our lives, we cannot hope to defeat them without learning how to set boundaries. Boundaries are the limitations by which we guide all of our relationships. They help us to communicate what we will and won’t accept from the people around us, and they also help us to make our expectations clear. The more explicit you are about your boundaries, the harder it becomes for the manipulator to wedge their way in.

Take some time really considering what matters most to you. If the manipulator is your partner or spouse, take some time to clearly outline what behaviors and patterns you need to see from a partner in order to feel seen, respected, and loved. If they’re a boss, be clear about where your “no-go” limits lie.

Don’t rush this process. Break down each relationship and all the microscopic moving pieces that make it what it is. Don’t hold back. If you feel like something is concrete need, embrace it. Writing these things down can help us to get comfortable with the idea if we’ve never set boundaries before. Once these boundaries are defined, however, it’s up to us to communicate them explicitly and often. Unless you’re clear with a manipulator, they’ll blow right past your boundary lines.

5. Create a greater sense of space

Space is a real gift when it comes to dealing with manipulators. In order for them to be successful in their manipulative or controlling behaviors, they have to be able to influence our minds and our hearts. This becomes much harder when we widen the chasm between us, taking away their access to our ear and our presence. Once you’ve found the power to say “no” and stand up for yourself, the last piece of the puzzle will fall into place.

Increase the space between you and the manipulative party. You don’t have to cut them off all together, and you don’t even really have to change your routine. You just need to create distance and the “gray rock” approach is a great way to do that.

Stop giving them information to work with. Stop letting them and giving them more of yourself than you have to. Manipulation works because these abusers are able to pull at the strings of what’s most important to us. We can take this power away from them by simply starving them of their energy supply. Don’t tell them about your raise at work. Don’t fill them in on how the kids did at school. Detach yourself and put space between you and the person who is seeking to take advantage of you.

Putting it all together…

Dealing with manipulators isn’t an easy thing to do, but it’s necessary as they are all around us in this life. We can spot the master manipulators in our bedrooms, family rooms, and offices by cultivating a greater awareness and understanding of their commonly used tactics. To do this, however, we have to embrace a radical honesty and commitment to self.

Center on your own intentions and plans and never allow yourself to deviate from those things. The clearer your vision is, the harder it becomes for the manipulator to turn you from it. Don’t allow them to ply at your emotions. Give yourself space to think and never react to a manipulator until you’ve had enough time to consider all the angles. Find your backbone, and start saying “no” more earnestly and more often. You have a right to protect yourself and do the things you want to do. Lean into your boundaries and communicate those boundaries explicitly to the master manipulators in your life. Let them know what’s accepted and what isn’t accepted, and detach from them emotionally. You don’t have to give them more ammunition to use against you. Adopt a gray rock approach and build the walls you need to safeguard your wellbeing from manipulative attacks.