Are you missing these warning signs of a toxic partner?
Accepting that our partners are toxic is never easy, but it is necessary in order to build a happier tomorrow.
by: E.B. Johnson
The prospect of new love is exciting, but many of us can be so blinding by this excitement that we fail to see the warning signs of a toxic partner. Anyone can become the victim of a toxic personality, but they can also free themselves from this relationship pattern and find happiness again. By taking a stand, setting limits and speaking out when it matters most, you can safeguard your wellbeing and learn to spot and understand the signs of a potentially toxic partner.
Admitting that someone we love is toxic isn’t an easy process, but it’s a necessary one. There are a number of subtle signs that are easy to miss, and they range from personal patterns to amped-up overreactions. Only when we admit these to ourselves and open up about our concerns, can we find a way to process the complex emotions that muddy the waters of these sorts of partnerships? Once you’ve admitted your partner is toxic, you can take steps to protect your wellbeing — but that often means cutting the cord and letting go.
Accepting that someone we love is toxic.
It can be painful to admit that someone we love is toxic, especially if we’re in a new or still-budding relationship. Young love is exciting, and it’s heady too. It can blind us and confuse us and make it hard for us to see someone for who they truly are. Nonetheless, the earlier we allow ourselves to see the toxic patterns for what they are, the sooner we can safeguard our wellbeing and find a new and better way to the love and contentment that we seek.
When someone shows us that they (or their love) is toxic, is it our responsibility to listen? Clinging to someone in the hopes that they will change is a fool’s errands. We alone have the power to change and shape ourselves, but that’s a process that requires both courage and radical understanding and compassion.
We have to accept our toxic relationships for what they are and start taking action to change them now. We are responsible for protecting our physical and mental wellbeing, and that includes standing up to the bullies in our lives — even if we love them. Listen, when someone shows you the personality traits and negative patterns that hurt you or injure your self-esteem. Then, take a note and take action with love and confidence.
The “toxic partner” warning signs you’ve been ignoring.
There are a number of subtle warning signs that the people we love are toxic, but we often lose sight of these signs beneath our desire to see the best in the people that we love. From leading a secret life to failing to take responsibility for their own decisions — these are crucial red flags to look out for when it comes to a toxic partnership.
Secrecy as a priority
If your partner maintains an air of secrecy, it could be a warning sign that there’s something toxic brewing beneath the surface. We only behave with secrecy when we have something to hide. This could be something in their past which they are ashamed of, or something in their present which they know is less than desirable. Whatever it is, it’s important you address any concerns you might have over what your partner is hiding.
Zero commitments
Does your partner still have a problem committing or taking your partnership to the next level? Commitment is a crucial part of any long-term partnership, but it takes the effort of the parties involved. It doesn’t happen by accident, and it doesn’t happen magically. It happens with concentrated effort and the conscious and proactive movements of both partners at all times.
Inability to open up
Communication is crucial in any successful relationship, as is opening up and being vulnerable to our partners. If your new partner doesn’t like to open up, or if they fail to communicate with you (despite requests on your part) — then it might be a sign that there’s something concealed, or sign that they have a great deal of baggage that’s hard to sort through. Lookout for an inability to open up and listen to your intuition when something doesn’t feel right.
Constant need for validation
Though we traditionally think of toxic behavior as violent or abusive, it can also be clingy or insecure too. A partner who needs constant outward validation is toxic in that they shift the responsibility for their value and their happiness onto you; an unfair burden, no matter how you look at it. We alone are responsible for our own happiness. To shift this responsibility to our partners is to encourage contempt and resentment which fester and destroy relationships.
Anger as the first choice
If anger or violence is your partner’s first choice of resolution, then it’s a crucial sign that they are toxic to your relationship and your self-esteem. While anger has a place in our lives (and even our partnerships) — relying on it as our primary means of conflict resolution is both toxic and corrosive. Anger stifles honest communication and makes it hard for both parties to speak out and speak openly when their emotions are on the line.
No trust in sight
Trust is a two-way street, meaning we have to trust our partners and they have to trust us in return. If your partner finds it impossible to trust you (no matter what you do or don’t do) then you might find that they’re struggling with some deeply rooted and toxic insecurities that will make it hard to ever build that solid foundation. Building a future requires mutual trust; not a desire to see the worst or base our relationships in suspicion.
Failure to take responsibility
Part of building a mature and fulfilling relationship is learning how to carry your own emotional weight and take responsibility for your missteps. As humans, it’s impossible to get it right every time. In those moments when we get it wrong, it’s crucial to step up to the plate and recognize the power in saying, “My bad.” A partner who can never take responsibility for their actions is still stuck in the juvenile phase of relationships and is one that should be approached with caution.
The danger of doing nothing about it.
Once you know a relationship is toxic, it’s your responsibility to take the action you need to protect yourself. Failing to take this action can result in a complete erosion of self, as well as a bending of perspective and the loss of valuable opportunities. Standing up to a toxic partner is what it takes, but that’s a journey that begins within.
Erosion of self
The longer you cling to a toxic partner or a toxic relationship, the more it will erode your sense of self. It’s impossible to stay in touch with our personal needs when we’re constantly chasing after someone else’s needs. More than that, the underhanded tactics of a malicious or toxic partner can eat away at our self-esteem and erode our sense of self-worth greatly over time.
Bending of perspective
Warped relationships warp our perspectives and make us hard to see sustainable and healthy relationships for what they truly are. When broken love is the only version of love you’ve ever known, it can become comfortable and a part of a much more insidious pattern that undermines your overall happiness in this life. We have to stand up for ourselves and demand the quality of love and partnership that we deserve.
Losing opportunities
Our lives come with a finite amount of space in them, and it is up to us to select the people and the experiences that will fill that space. The more we clog it and clutter it with toxic partners who berate and belittle us, the less room we leave for the right people and the right opportunities to come into your lives. If you cling to a partner who is more concerned with their own needs and their own journey, you’re denying yourself the chance to find a partner who complements your plans for the future.
How to handle a toxic partner or partnership.
Toxic relationships are complicated and dynamic, and for that reason they can take a little time to resolve. If you’ve found yourself with someone you know is harming your wellbeing, you can being putting up walls and safeguarding your future and your happiness. You’re going to have to dig deep, however, and embrace the hard truths you’ve been running from.
1. Speak up and speak often
When it comes to dealing with a toxic person or partner, it’s imperative that you learn to speak out and speak often in the name of the things that are important to you. This means finding your voice whenever your boundaries are crossed, and speaking up when your feelings are hurt, or you feel as though you’re being asked to compromise who you are.
Learn effective ways to open up the channels of communication and look for opportune times to express your needs. Not every moment is the right moment for discussion, but our needs are always worth being addressed. Don’t back yourself into a corner, but don’t cower meekly either.
You can find your voice by getting back to the center of who you are and focusing on increasing your confidence. The more assured you feel in mind and body, the more capable and resilient you will know yourself to be. This knowledge to hand, you’ll be better equipped to speak up and speak out when the other person tramples over your limits, or does something that damages you emotionally.
2. Figuring out the boundary lines
Learning how to set limits is powerful, and it’s one of the greatest skills we can cultivate in this lifetime. When we set limits, we protect those delicate parts of ourselves that are important, and we protect our hopes, desires and our fears too. Without healthy boundaries that we’re willing to stick to, it’s easy to get overcome or lost in the machinations of others.
Spend some time on your own and away from the opinions and influences of others. Find a quiet space where you’ll be uninterrupted and start digging into the root of who you are and what you want. Look for the things that matter and consider where you want to be in 10 or 20 years from now.
Learning to protect your boundaries ultimately comes down to learning how to stand up for yourself and being more assertive in life. We are the only ones who can truly stick up for our needs and desires, because we are the only ones who can fully realize their depth and importance. This can be a terrifying prospect, however, if you’re new to the world of standing by your limitations. No matter what boundaries you decide to set once it comes time to stick to them — start small. There’s no use diving headfirst into uncharted territory.
3. Admitting the truth to yourself
The first step in overcoming a toxic relationship is to admit where you’re at and accept where you need to go. Acceptance isn’t easy, but it’s a beautiful thing that could unlock some truly transformative powers within us. When we accept our relationship for what it really is and admit where we’re at, we can start to create a plan for action and get ourselves back into the light of joy.
Understand that love and loyalty don’t always exist together and understand that mistakes and poor relationships don’t mean you’re a bad person. Spend some time alone each day, really digging deep into where you’re at and how you’re feeling. Analyze your relationship, then compare it against your vision of the “perfect” relationship for you.
Though no partner is perfect, there is an ideal partner out there for everyone. If you’re stuck to a toxic partner now — it doesn’t have to be forever, but it is going to take some willpower to overcome. Toxic relationships are complex and nuanced, so only when we understand them for what they really are can we truly empower ourselves to get out of them. Admit that your relationship is broken, and accept that you are as worthy of a healthy and loving partnership as anyone else in this world. No one can take that on board but you.
4. Detach and create some space
Simply knowing your relationship is toxic (and embracing it) isn’t enough. Our partners play key roles in our lives and breaking things off with them isn’t something that just happens with one click of the finger. Once you’re ready to let your toxic partner go, you have to detox yourself from them — little by little — and make sure you have the mental and emotional support you need to stay strong and focused on the future.
Stop letting all the manipulations and delusions keep you from doing what needs to be done. Create space, slowly, between yourself and the toxic person and do it in stages and phases. When you’re ready, open up to them, and let them know exactly why you’re creating space and what your ultimate goal is. If you don’t want to be with them anymore, let them know.
Toxic partners can often be dangerous partners, so detach yourself safely and enlist the help of your support network to keep that space in place. Let them know that you can’t go back to the way things were and let them know what effect the other person could potentially have on you. By creating space slowly at first, we can make things that much easier on ourselves when it comes to making the final leap.
5. Cut the cord and safeguard your wellbeing
One of the best ways to safeguard your wellbeing from a toxic partner is to cut all cords with them. This means blocking their number, removing them from social media, and (temporarily) cutting down on social experiences that might result in a face-to-face meet up. Cutting the cord allows us to create the space we need to get back in touch with who we are and what we really want.
Avoid the urge to stalk their social media and put down the WhatsApp and Messenger. Block your ex’s number, unfriend them on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram; take a rain check on the places you know they are going to be.
Create space in your life by completely removing their presence in it. While you may not be able to scrub them out completely (in the case of common friends) — you can still clear your life of enough of their presence to give yourself a clean slate. Stop clinging to the hope and cut the cord once and for all. You are good enough as you are (right now in this moment) and you are deserving of love, compassion and respect.
Putting it all together…
Though it’s very painful to admit, our new love interests can often be more toxic than we realize. From secrecy to a lack of trust, these patterns can be both subtle and insidious — and they can seriously undermine the stability and happiness of our relationships. In order to safeguard our wellbeing, it’s crucial to spot these warning signs when we see them and then take action to create space between the toxic behavior and our emotions.
Speak up about any concerns that you might have and speak out each time you feel as though your boundaries or your limits aren’t being respected. This requires that you take some time figuring out where those boundaries lie, but it’s crucial that you speak up and speak often in order to keep mental and emotional health in check. Admit the truth and stop running from the red flags when you see them. Each time your new partner shows you who they are — believe them. Then, take some time and some space to detach and create more room in your partnership. Overtime, you can release the emotional attachment that keeps you holding on to hope; which will then allow you to cut the cord once and for all. Don’t allow yourself to be battered and broken by someone with more baggage than benefit. Know the signs of a toxic partner so you can protect yourself and your future.
