If they cheated this is why

When people are unfaithful, there’s always a reason why. Use that understanding to help yourself heal.

by: E.B. Johnson

Our relationships can form a critical piece of who we are, and when we discover they’ve been broken by cheating, it can cause us to flounder and struggle on a number of different levels. Partnerships are complex and, when they run into problems, the solutions we find for them can be complex too. Troubled relationships are nothing new, but that doesn’t make finding the resolutions any easier.

Relationships that hit the rocks or fall prey to cheating have to be addressed with a healthy dose of honesty and radical dose of acceptance. Overcoming infidelity is more of a solo game than a team sport, but we do have to include our partners when it comes down to reshaping the perspecting that’s been torn asunder by their cheating. If you’ve been hurt by a partner that couldn’t stay faithful, find yourself again by cultivating the understanding and know-how you need to reconnect and thrive.

The infidelity bomb goes off.

Going through the pain of infidelity is one of the most difficult things we can experience, but it’s also one of the most transformative too. It is through our pain that we find deeper places within ourselves, and it is through this pain that we discover who is really meant for us and who isn’t. Discovering that your spouse has strayed beyond the bounds of your commitment will break your heart, but it will make it stronger too and help you maneuver through life with greater ability.

Infidelity occurs when one partner strays outside the bounds of the marriage or relationship, breaking a promise or vow to remain faithful either emotionally or sexually (or both). These promises can be both spoken or unspoken, and can include a range of behaviors or activities that cause pain or injury to the victim. It’s a big-upset event, and one that can seriously undermine our happiness and sense of trust and contentment.

People cheat for a number of reasons, but those reasons rarely have any bearing when it comes to the fallout. When an infidelity is discovered, it can erode the faith and trust of both partners; but it seriously erodes the happiness and joy the other partner involved. Getting cheated on leaves us in an oblivion of confusion, anger, guilt doubt and shame — emotions which can only be overcome by digging deep and reconnecting with our own personal power.

The different types of cheating.

Though cheating comes down to emotional and physical behaviors, there are a number of ways infidelity can manifest. Whether you’re just bonding with someone on an emotional level, or you’ve started a connection with someone in a cyber setting…a betrayal of trust is a betrayal of trust and leads to the same longterm damage.

Objectified obsession

When it comes to affairs and infidelities — it’s not always about connecting with another person outside of the relationship. We can become so obsessed with our careers, our goals or material objects and experiences in our lives that we completely come to ignore or dismiss our relationships. While outside interests in a partnership are always important, when they become an all-possessing obsession, they get in the way of the true connections we’re trying to build.

Entangled emotions

Though many don’t consider them to be as devastating as a physical affair, emotional affairs are equally destructive infidelities that undermine our authentic sense of self. Giving your emotional space to someone else is akin to giving them space in your bed, as far a retaining trust and a unique sense of intimacy. Emotional affairs can be as simple as sharing too much of yourself with another person, or becoming as emotionally invested in them as a spouse or partner.

Cyber connections

Affairs don’t just occur when we connect with someone physically or emotionally — it’s possibly to cheat at the cyber level too. Cyber affairs are unusual, in that they can contain elements of all the other forms of cheating (and can be particularly easy to hide and addictive). Our online relationships can be important, and can be just as mentally, emotionally and (sometimes) sexually fulfilling as our physical partnerships. This, however, means it can also destroy our relationships when it’s not addressed, managed and avoided.

Sexual liaisons

Perhaps the most form of cheating we most commonly think of, sexual infidelity occurs when our partners stray into sexual relationships with someone they aren’t supposed to. Sexual affairs are particularly destructive, and come with their own unique set of physical and mental risks. When a partner gets into bed with a stranger, or someone who is outside of the consented relationship, it can completely destroy our sense of trust and lead to intense feelings of personal guilt and shame.

How cheating wrecks our relationships with self.

Getting cheated on isn’t an event to take lightly. As a matter of fact, it’s an extremely serious breech of trust that can take a real toll on our mental, physical and emotional health. When we find out that our partner has strayed outside the relationship, it erodes our sense of trust and intimacy — but it can also do so much worse.

Social anxiety

Pain takes a serious toll on our mental and physical health, but it also forces us to cripple ourselves socially, or pull away from the people that might otherwise make us feel better. It’s no different after you find out your partner has been unfaithful. When we discover that our spouse has cheated, the pain, guilt and shame associated with the fallout can make us pull away from the friends and family that can help us find ourselves again. Social anxiety sets in, and we start to feel like the “odd man out” even though we’ve done nothing to deserve it.

Building walls

When one partner strays, it can create an immediate loss of trust and intimacy that leaks into every other facet of your life. Everything is different after an affair, and that destroys the things we thought we could believe in. This loss of trust can follow you into friendships, work relationships or even future romantic relationships you find yourself in; slowing undermining your happiness day after day, year after year, as you build up walls that separate you from true joy.

Physical violation

A partner who engages in a sexual relationship with someone else can seriously erode our sense of self-esteem and sexual agency. An unfaithful partner puts us at serious risk for STI’s and STD’s, and also changes the way we see the world and the intentions of people around us. These risks bring with them the feeling that we have been violated by our partners, and taken advantage of brutally. Overcoming such a violation of trust and personal agency requires a lot of personal commitment and healing.

Fractured pasts

Though we don’t always consider it, the actions of right here and now can serious impact our sense of past and how we use it to guide us forward. Infidelity undermines your ultimate truths, and because of that it corrupts your life story and the way you perceive the lessons of your past. When a partner is unfaithful in the here and now, it causes you to look back and reassess every relationship you’ve ever been in; causing you to question things you once never thought twice about.

Lowered self-esteem

It’s hard not to question yourself after the infidelity of a partner (even if you know — for a fact — that the action had nothing to do with you). It’s natural to doubt yourself, but when you dwell in a “what did I do wrong” headspace, you can find your self-esteem evaporating, and a new (weaker) version of yourself emerging. Lowered self-esteem is one of the most common side effects of a dealing with an unfaithful partner. That’s why it’s important to address your emotions candidly and upfront in the fallout.

Why our partners engage in infidelity.

Infidelity happens for many reasons, and it happens to every type of person. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to make your relationship “perfect” and it doesn’t matter how much you attend to your partner’s needs. Love and romance are very different and very complex things, and they become even more complex when coupled with the dynamism of modern living. People cheat for different reasons, but the results are always the same: pain, pain and more pain for all involved.

A need for something different

Occasionally, it is simply a need for variety that drives a partner to look for a physical or emotional connection outside of their relationship. When we grow bored with ourselves, or bored with some aspect of the life that we share with our parnter or spouse, the thought of seeing the world from someone else’s point-of-view can be exhilarating. That does not, however, justify betraying the trust of someone you made a commitment to.

Craving self-esteem

Low self-esteem is incredibly toxic, and it can destroy not only our relationships but our very sense of self as well. We all want someone to want us, and we all have a need to feel desirable or as though we’re “special”. Failing to understand, however, that these are things that must first come from within can lead us to look for it desperately in other people. When you don’t like yourself, you won’t like your partner, and you’ll go looking for validation in others outside your relationship.

A perfect storm

Sometimes, cheating is a completely situational circumstance, occurring completely unplanned and without any malicious intent. Engaging in behaviors like drinking or drug use can fog our judgement and lead us to engage in actions we wouldn’t normally undertake. Likewise, an unusual situation, or an opportunity that is perceived as exceptionally rare, can cause us to lean into a “YOLO” effect that completely detonates the partnerships we enjoy at home.

Needing to connect

As humans, we’re social creatures with an inherent need to connect to the people and environment around us. When our partners feel neglected, or as though they are dismissed or forgotten by us, it can cause them to turn outward — looking for the love they don’t feel they’re getting at home somewhere else. We all have a need to connect, and that need will drive us forward subconsciously if we don’t take control of it ourselves.

Craving revenge

When we get angry with our partners, it can lead us to some truly strange and extreme places. If you don’t feel comfortable opening up to your partnerr, however, or — if the two of you suffer from some other lack of communication — it can lead to some nasty behaviors (cheating among them). Getting angry at your partner, but feeling as though you can’t open up often leads to a passive-aggressive lashing out that causes even more heartache and destruction.

High sex-drive

There are some people who have impossibly high sex drives, which — when not addressed — can cause them to look for physical connection in a number of places. Over time, this behavior becomes problematic and can land them in a number of sticky situations or relationships that explode in a wonder of disappointment and emotion. Having a high sex-drive is a common reason many find themselves entangled in affairs they never intended to commit.

No sense of commitment

Sometimes, things just get stale or boring for us and it causes us to pull away from someone that once thrilled us. Obligations distract us and time passes quickly. Once you’ve finished struggling up the hill together there’s barely any time to congratulate one another before you realize you’re no longer standing next to the smae person you started the journey with. This can lead to a growing a part, and an erosion of the sense of commitment you once shared.

How to deal with infidelity in your relationship.

If you’ve discovered that your partner or spouse has been unfaithful, you can recover and find yourself again with some deep digging and introspection. By creating space, getting honest about how you’re feeling, and realistically assessing where you’re at and where you want to go — you can get back to a happiness that is entirely your own, and form a plan of action and healing.

1. Don’t jump to forgive

Most self-help articles will tout the power of forgiving the people that hurt us, but too often they lose sight of the importance of forgiving ourselves.Suffering a relationship breakdown doesn’t just result in a loss of trust in others. It results in a loss of trust in ourselves. When we suffer these types of breakups, we often take that as a personal mark against who we are — coming to doubt ourselves in ways that are both toxic and self-defeating.

Don’t forgive too quickly — but do learn how to forgive. The true forgiveness you need to seek in the flaming wreckage of a betrayal is your own. As humans, we are prone to mistakes and missteps. No one is perfect and no one ever makes all the right choices in the right moments. Take this experience as the learning opportunity that is and have enough compassion with yourself to allow for upsets along the way.

Forgiving yourself does not mean accepting the mistakes you made or the pitfalls you fell into. It simply means detaching from the pain, bitterness and rage that’s buried deep, deep within you; eating away at who you are the future you have planned for yourself. Harboring hatred only stifles your progress. Forgive yourself and empower yourself to make the changes you need in your life and relationships.

2. Open up communication channels

When we discover an infidelity, our first reaction is normally to talk — but we often don’t talk about the right things. Talking in the wake of a shattered relationship is necessary, but it’s important that it’s handled with care and with extreme mental and emotional focus. Only after you’ve had some time to assess how you’re feeling can you approach your partner with the right dialogue to facilitate healing…but that’s a process with some nuance.

Once you’re clear on how you’re feeling, let your partner know it’s time to talk and let them know that you don’t care how long it takes. Ask a lot of questions; get the information that you need and use that information to honestly analyze and assess your relationship and what you need moving forward toward your future.

Pick a time that works for both of you, and find a space that’s both safe and interruption-free. Set a time limit of 15–30 minutes for each stage, but take things slowly and in phases. Talk about how you’ve been impacted, but leave room for the other person to also express how they’re feeling or why they did what they did. Chip away at the problem until there’s some kind of resolution for someone — be that walking away and starting again, picking up the pieces, or scheduling another conversation for another day.

3. Find your gratitude

Gratitude is one of the greatest skills we can learn and it has some truly transformative powers that can boost the quality of our lives. Being grateful in this modern age can be a challenge, however, when you’re suffering with the pain and insecurity of an infidelity newly discovered.

At the most basic of levels, gratitude is an emotion that is akin to appreciation, and it can do everything from boosting your mental resilience to helping you to sleep better at night (even when you just found out your partner is cheating). More than just saying “thanks” or focusing on big-picture things that make things “okay”, true gratitude requires us to dig deep and look at both actions and emotions.

Step back from your partner and pull back emotionally from what they’ve done. Get specific about the things in your life that still bring you happiness, and really reconnect with those things until you can feel them in your body. Let go of those things in the past that bring you pain, and don’t get hyper-focused on a future that’s fuzzier than ever. Center yourself on the present moment, and embrace the new challenges that are standing before you. It is through our adversity that we find our strength. Infidelity is just one more adversity that forges us in its fire. Get grateful and embrace the ride.

4. Grasp your own happiness

One of the greatest lessons we can learn from a cheating spouse or partner is how to take responsibility for our own happiness. Too often, we base our happiness and our needs off of the identification we find through a romantic relationship. In these intense, tunnel-visioned partnerships, we lose sight of what really matters to us, and we lose sight of the things that might otherwise bring us happiness and authentic identity. When a partner strays from the relationship, it’s a sign that it’s time to start creating your own happiness again. Happiness and joy that can’t be interrupted by the actions of others.

We create immunity to the poorest behaviors of our partners by getting back in touch with our authentic sense of purpose, while also stepping up to the plate to take responsibility for our own happiness. Though we like to think that others can give us happiness or a sense of purpose, that is something that can only be found and solidified from within yourself.

Stop looking to your partner to be your happiness. Stop looking to them to take care of your emotional needs, and stop looking them to ensure you get the things you want in this life. We are each responsible for our own futures, so come back from your heartache by getting proactive about yours. Distract yourself from the pain by letting go of your need for outer fulfillment. Discover the things within yourself that empower you to make a better tomorrow, and reconnect with your authentic sense of joy.

5. Link to your support lines

The support systems we maintain outside our romantic relationships are important, but they become especially important in the wake of a breakup or relationship crack. Our friends and family keep us grounded, and help us to maintain a perspective that is a little more realistic than it might otherwise be. When we’re injured by a partner, they are they first (and the best) people we can run too, and they can often provide the insight that empowers us to heal.

Embrace the support lines you have outside of your relationship. Really dig into them, and reach out to those close friends and family that you know you can trust. Open up to them, and let them know that you’re hurting and let them know that you need help. You don’t have to give them all the nitty-and-gritty details, but you should share enough to allow the to understand what’s going on.

Even though it might be painful or scary to open up to our support systems about an infidelity in our partnership, it’s an important step in healing. Don’t let that false guilt and shame hold you back from opening up. If you’ve been cheated on — that action has absolutely no reflection on you, whatsoever. If you’re someone who’s cheated — sh*t happens. Be candid and be real. Don’t try to make things seem better than they are. Share what’s going on with someone you trust and watch your perspective shift dramatically.

6. Take some space

Recovering from a newly-discovered infidelity isn’t an overnight affair. It’s a long road, with lots of twist and turns, and it takes some nuanced navigating to make it work successfully. We all choose how we allow ourselves to be treated, and we make those choices through the setting and communication of boundaries. When those boundaries are violated, though — as they are when a partner is unfaithful — you have to take a step back and start creating the space you need to feel safe, secure and respected once more.

Create some space between you and your partner and let them know that you need to be on your own to start the journey of planning what happens next. Try to look at the individual (and their behavior) from a removed, distant place. If this person was not your partner or your spouse, would you allow them to betray you in such a serious way? The only way to get the honest answers that you need is to put some space between yourself and this other person, so you can honestly assess how you’re feeling and what you think.

That’s not to say you can just stop calling and just stop showing up. When it comes to our partners, we can be closely tied and have a lot of obligations that keep us traveling forever in one another’s orbit. If this is the case, work hard simply to get more time to yourself. If you live with this person, ask them to clear the house for a weekend, or make sure you remove yourself from the environment (and individual) each day. Go on a short walk that allows you to create just few minutes of your own quiet universe. By clawing out this space for us, we can better clarify how we need to proceed with our spouse or partner.

Putting it all together…

Betrayal is a silent plague that creeps in when we least expect it,undermining all of our relationships little-by-little until we are isolated, hopeless and devoid of compassionate trust and understanding. Experiencing the disloyalty of a partner, friend or family member can feel like a death sentence and — in some ways — it is. We can overcome it, however, by reconnecting with ourselves and taking action to create the lives we want. Once the infidelity is recognized, the first thing you have to do is give yourself (and your partner) some space to process you feelings and thoughts. Though the urge is to immediately jump into the deep-end, creating space allows us to more logically analyze how we feel about being cheated on, and how we want to proceed going forward.

Only after you give yourself space and time to think should you open up a dialogue and get the feedback and information that you need in order to start the healing process or get closure. Take responsibility for your own happiness and remove yourself from a relationship that is flawed beyond repair.Lean into your support networks, and share the heavy emotions and thoughts that might be following you through this troubled time. They can provide us with the perspective we need to overcome the pain of infidelity, but we have to open up to them. Focus on gratitude, and start your path to forgiveness when you’re ready — starting with the person who matters most…you. Infidelity is hard thing to come back from, but it’s possible with perseverance and the knowledge that you will survive. Embrace your power and move forward to create a future that is entirely your own.