This is why you keep going back to the same toxic relationship

If you want to stop falling back into bed with your ex, break the pattern by empowering yourself with compassion and understanding.

by: E.B. Johnson

Our partners can operate as powerful magnets in our lives, pulling us inward and onward to unforeseen places. When we select toxic people to fill these companion roles, however, they can inflict a lot of damage and prevent us from realizing our ultimate fulfillment and purpose. These same toxic partners have a tragic way of pulling us back — time and time again — despite our best intentions.

We have to overcome this compulsive need to return to the same old places by overcoming the insecurities and misunderstandings that bring us back to toxic relationships. This occurs by cultivating understanding, acceptance and the ability to reshape and re-process the intense thoughts and emotions you might be dealing with. We aren’t defined by our relationships, but our lives can be bolstered by them. Build better partnerships by learning how to let go of the bad ones once and for all.

Relationships as a part of who we are.

Relationships can be an important part of our journey, but they can also be a huge emotional hurdle and distraction — especially when things go wrong. A relationship on the rocks sucks up all our focus, and pulls us away from a sea of potential opportunities that might otherwise provide us security, stability and fulfillment. Stay in this pattern of breakup-makeup long-term? You’ll see your overall happiness and wellbeing plummet over time.

We have to start seeing our relationships in a whole new light. Only when we illuminate our partners and ourselves with the truth of reality, can we see the holes and realize the things that are no longer meant for us. Returning to someone who wasn’t meant for you leaves no room for the right love to come in.

No matter how much you love someone, you are not capable of changing them or forcing them into a shape that better fits your future. It is up to us to choose the people who compliment our needs, and it is also up to us to cut loose those who prevent us from tapping into our maximum potential. Don’t run back to someone who kept you small; someone who isn’t meant for you. Find the courage to build better relationships by letting your exes stay in the past — where they belong.

It’s not always meant to work out.

Not every relationship is meant to be and not every former-partner is worth re-considering. There are some lines that can’t be crossed, and some behavioral patterns that aren’t worth re-engaging with. From abuse to constant negativity

Something to complain about

Think back to your exes? What were their personalities like? Chances are, if you really pay attention you’ll find a lot more negativity there than you always realized. The partner (or ex) that always has something to complain about is toxic and corrosive to our self-esteem. If we want to keep ourselves from running back to someone who doesn’t suit us, we have to recognize their negativity and see it for what it really is.

Power imbalances

Power imbalances occur when one partner assumes control over the relationship, while the other agrees to sacrifice their own needs or desires. In some instances, this comes down to societal pressures or skewed definitions of love. At other times, however, it can come down to outright coercion and fear. These power imbalances compact over time and result in complex negative emotions like contempt and resentment; which eat away at your relationship and your self-esteem.

Violent or demeaning behavior

No matter what way you cut it — abuse is never okay. In our relationships, it can manifest as both physical and emotional abuse, and it’s especially prevalent where narcissists are involved. Violent behavior, or demeaning outbursts that leave you hurt and scared are unacceptable and always (always) an indication that it’s time for the partnership to end. Though not all of us always want to hear that “last call”.

Jealousy and control

Juvenile behaviors like jealous displays of control might fly when you’re young, but they don’t equate to long-term partnerships or serious futures. Jealous outbursts and control issues can indicate immaturity and a certain unpreparedness when it comes to serious long-term relationships. It also shows an understanding of love and companionship that isn’t really fully developed or realized in any substantial way.

Loss of self and desire

When we lose ourselves and our passion for life within our partnerships, it’s time to cut the cord and run. Our relationships aren’t meant to be stagnant and burdensome affairs. They are meant to fill us with happiness and ease, while making our lives a more enjoyable experience. Relationships that are bogged down by heavy torment or endless regret and conflict are not relationships meant to stand the test of time. They’re an indication of two people who just don’t work.

Constant heartache

If your ex primarily brought you heartache and pain (through infidelity, dismissal or even disappearing for days at at a time) it’s a sure-fire sign that the relationship was never a good fit. While these things might not seem like outright abuse, they are serious red flags that indicates someone who is looking out for their needs and their needs alone. Constant heartache isn’t normal, and it isn’t healthy in a long-term relationship.

Why we keep returning to toxic relationships.

Returning to our exes is a pattern, and it’s a toxic one that can be broken with some understanding. From comfort to raging insecurities — these are the most common reasons you keep going back to your no-good ex.

It’s comfortable

The world is crazy right now, and it doesn’t seem to show any signs of slowing down. In environments filled with protest, conflict, anger and heartache — our relationships can become a comfort-point, which provides us with safety, stability and reassurance. Even if those aren’t the things our relationship truly provides, it can still feel comfortable enough to slide back into, even though we know it’s full of holes…just like that old sweater you had to throw away 10 years too late.

Obsessed with validation

Relationships can get competitive, and we can even come to see the life we’re building with a toxic partner as a bit of a “challenge” to overcome. When that relationship breaks down, we might still feel as though we have something to prove (either to the other person or ourselves). In that state of mind, we become tempted by the idea of picking up where we left off. As though that somehow validates all the obvious mis-match going on.

Easier than starting over

Believe it or not, sheer laziness is another common reason that people go running back to partners and spouses they know aren’t a good fit. Even when things are toxic and scary, going back to something you already know how to deal with seems like an easier deal than starting over with someone new. The problem there, though, is that it’s not easier; because you’re putting in even more emotional labor, being unhappy and existing in a state of conflict and pain.

Failed visions of love

Ask three separate people what “true love” means to them and you’ll probably get 3 separate answers. We all see love in different ways, and we all want different things from our partners and from our relationships. When these ideas of love are bent, broken or skewed, however, it can seriously impact our partnerships. It can also force us back into relationships that are filled with misery or are otherwise an unhappy fit.

Unresolved trauma

Trauma has a funny way of coming up time and time again until we find the courage to face it. The same is true for relationship trauma, and the thousands of constant battles we always seem to be waging against the past. There are those who go back to toxic partners, because they are attempting to validate themselves against the injuries of their previous experiences. There is no moving backward, however, only forward toward healthier partners.

Raging insecurities

When you’re dealing with low self-esteem and self-worth, it leads you to form a low personal opinion of yourself. These raging fears and insecurities eat away at your strength and make it easier for abusers and toxic people to get inside and take advantage of you. Running back to the same toxic partners? Your self-esteem is probably playing a part.

The best ways to stand strong and stop going backward in life and love.

Once you hold an understanding of your need to return, it’s time to get proactive about standing strong and rebuilding on your own. Reset how you process loss and learn to see the beauty in your own personal worth and resolve. You don’t have to go back to someone who doesn’t love you. You can be free and you can jumpstart the process with these basics.

1. Reset how you see and process loss

More often than not, we return to someone we know is toxic because we believe that it feels better than processing the loss that comes without them. The collapse of a relationship is painful, and it’s uncomfortable too. Avoiding the urge to go back requires us to reshape our perspective and the way we see the process of letting go and moving on.

You have to reset how you see loss, then you have to commit to processing it naturally and in your own time. Rather than seeing your former relationship as a failure, see it as a learning opportunity, and find the hope you need to venture out into the waters of love once more.

Don’t rush the journey. We all process our grief in different times and in different ways. Don’t force another relationship or think that you have to rebound in order to prove that you’re going to be okay. Focus on getting comfortable sitting with your headache, then find the strength to see it for the silver lining that it really is. Every breakup is an open door to find the things we really need from this life.

2. Cut the cords (all of them)

One of the most practical things you can do to prevent sliding back into your ex’s grasp is to cut all cords with them. This means blocking their number, removing them from social media, and (temporarily) cutting down on social occasions that might result in a face-to-face meet up. Cutting the cord allows us to create the space we need to get back in touch with who we are and what we really want.

Avoid the urge to stalk their social media and put down the WhatsApp and Messenger. Block your ex’s number, unfriend them on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram; take a rain check on the places you know they are going to be.

Create space in your life by completely removing their presence in it. While you may not be able to scrub them out completely (in the case of common friends) — you can still clear your life of enough of their presence to give yourself a clean slate. Stop clinging to the hope and cut the cord once and for all.

3. Stop the comparisons short

Comparison is a poison that can eat away at our happiness post-breakup and pull us away from some truly fulfilling people. When you spend all your time thinking about what was, or comparing someone new to someone old, you find all kind of shortcomings and can also find yourself looking through rose-tinted glasses.

Stop comparing your past relationships to future relationships. Stop comparing the former you to the current you. When you cut the comparisons short you allow yourself to be present and in the moment, removed from the pain of your past.

Our exes all become exes for specific reasons. Accept their shortcomings and accept the flaws that led to your parting. Look forward to the future and know that — once you’re forward facing — you’ll be better able to pursue the experiences and people that will provide you with genuine joy and fulfillment.

4. Let go of your superhero ideas

One of the most toxic beliefs that so many of us hold is that we have the power to change the people that we love. Some of us think we can do this by force or outright request, while still even more of us believe we will inspire this change by simply “loving them enough”. Both ideas are fallacies, however, as we are the only ones who can change ourselves if and / or when we are ever ready to.

Let go of all your superhero ideas and your dreams of changing them for the better. Going back to them will not bring some revelation that they could not embrace on their own. You are only hurting yourself and limiting your chances to find real happiness.

Focus on becoming a better version of yourself and direct that change into the core of who you are. Take the initiative to become a stronger, more self-assured version of yourself every day and take steps to ensure you are moving away from your need to linger in their shadow. Accept that the only person you can change is you, and make peace with all the rest.

5. Take off the rose-tinted glasses

You have to take off your rose-tinted glasses and see your former relationship for what it really was if you truly want to escape it once and for all. The longer you cling to the idea that you partnership was something that it wasn’t (or that your partner was someone that they weren’t) the harder it will be to keep yourself from falling back into those comfortably toxic patterns that you know so well.

Take a step back and look at all the bad and nasty things that happened over your partnership. Don’t shy away from the facts. Really put yourself back into all those moments when you felt hurt, dismissed, or otherwise made to feel less-than by our former partner or spouse.

Every time you want to run back, or every time you find yourself obsessing on the “good times” — compare them to those dark and negative moments. You can find someone who gives you all those good memories without all those bad experiences. But you have to leave room in your life for them, and that means leaving your exes in the pas where they belong.

6. Boost your self-esteem

Our insecurities and our fears eat away at who we are and keep us from breaking free of toxic and hateful partnerships. If you keep running back to the same person, it’s often because you feel so bad about yourself that you come to believe that’s the best you can do. Erase these thoughts and boost your self-esteem to find freedom again.

Start small by spending time getting in touch with your various strengths and passions. Look at the benefit they have brought to your life and consider the value they hold. Celebrate those strengths and use them to bolster your courage.

The more you focus on the good and the great in yourself, the sooner you can start to understand the strength and the worth that you bring to the table. Boost your self-esteem every day and allow that to be the key that unlocks the realizations of what you deserve. The more confident you are in self, the more secure you will be in life and less likely to return to a toxic partner.

7. Accepting what you deserve

Before you can ever hope to securely build a wall between yourself and the painful exes of your past, you have to (once and for all) accept the standard of love and happiness you deserve. We fall back into toxic, old relationships because we fail to embrace the fact that we deserve to be as happy and fulfilled as anyone else. If we truly want to thrive, we have to radically accept the life and love we deserve; moving confidently forward rather than backward.

Gut that inner critic and remove them from your life. Stop allowing their negativity and insecurity to keep you from securing the love and support you desire to have in your life. Accept that you deserve a stable, healthy relationship. Refuse to settle for anything less.

We are the ones that teach people how to treat us. We are the ones who set and maintain limits and boundaries, and we are the ones who allow ourselves to fall into unhealthy and even abusive partnerships. Accepting that you don’t have to settle empowers you to strive for the things you truly want, and energizes you to pursue it with the passion of your whole heart. Let go of that dark inner voice that says, “This is all that I’m worth,” and replace it with: “I won’t settle for this, because I deserve better.”

Putting it all together…

Though we might love our partners deeply and without reserve, not all relationships are always meant to be. Some lines cannot be crossed, and some behaviors are too toxic to preserve our physical and emotional safety. Don’t run back to toxic partners. Understand the insecurities that drag you back to unhappiness and use that knowledge to cultivate the strength and resolve you need to thrive on your own.

You have to start by resetting how you see your loss and process it. We often run back to bad partners because we prefer that misery to the discomfort of loss. Start seeing your breakup as a chance to learn and better yourself, and use this new perspective to resist the urge to go running back. Cut the cords and stop following them on social media or answering their calls. Create distance between you both, both physically and emotionally. Drop the comparisons and embrace your journey for what it is. Let go of any superhero ideas and take off the rose-tinted glasses. You can’t change people, nor can you change the truth about them. See reality for what it is, and focus on boosting your self-esteem so that your insecurities don’t drag you back to them kicking and screaming. Once you accept that you are as deserving of love and happiness as anyone else, you won’t fall victim to the urge to go back to that comfortable discomfort. Stand strong and stop going back to toxic relationships that no longer bring you hope or happiness.