How to process family estrangement
Sometimes, we have to cut the ties that bind and form a new life for ourselves away from our families.
by: E.B. Johnson
Becoming estranged from a family member is a painful process and one that can take a serious toll on our overall sense of joy and happiness. The relationships we share with our families are important, and they are the first compass by which we orientate ourselves in this world. Losing the relationship you share with an adult child, parent or sibling can destabilize us and leave us feeling lost, but it’s up to us to find our way back to the light by embracing the power of our new-found freedom.
If you’ve become estranged from a family member that you once held dear, you can find a path through the pain. It takes some serious digging, though, and it takes embracing some core truths about the reality of estrangement and how to transform yourself within. Our families are defined by far more than just blood, so sometimes it’s necessary to cut the cord with who came before so that we can find our way to who we need right now. If the relationship you share with your parents or your siblings has gotten too toxic to handle, it might be time to let go and find your way back to you.
Going separate ways.
When we think of family estrangement, our minds often flit right to the old Hollywood ideals of the prodigal sun and a heartfelt return. In reality, however, family estrangements are much more complex than that — and don’t always encompass the same type of grandiose split. Family estrangement is different for everyone, as there are a million ways to distance yourself from someone. While you can definitely jump in a plane and fly across the country while dying your hair and changing your number, you can also just stop taking phone calls; or severely limiting the amount of contact you share with someone.
At it’s core, estrangement is a detachment. It means that you no longer share your true life, feelings or identity to someone. It means that, rather than being an active and engaged member of what’s going in your environment, the person who once held an important spot becomes a shade. You can still live in the same town. You can still see one another at Thanksgiving dinners and Christmas lunches — but the relationship you share is no longer substantial. There’s a void there…and that’s where the estrangement lies.
Why family estrangement happens.
There are a number of reasons we might find ourselves putting distance between our families and ourselves, and none of them are necessarily pleasant. To go against the grain of our family is to go against our very nature. But sometimes, emotional abuse, toxic behavior and other neglect or disapproval makes such a cut necessary.
Emotional abuse
Though many only consider physical forms of abuse as the standard, mental and emotional abuse can play a major role too in the destruction of family ties. If one member of the family becomes a regular victim of the emotional abuse or dismissal of another member of the family, it can cause them to distance themselves. Likewise, if an emotionally abusive family member is left unchecked — they can further drive a wedge between the other members of the family, encouraging estrangement.
Clashing expectations
Our expectations go a long way in determining how happy or unhappy we’ll be with our relationships, and it’s no different when it comes to the connections we share with our families. When there is a dramatic clashing of expectations, or when expectations are not shared openly and made clear, there can also be a turbulent and unexpected clashing of emotions; as well as a wellspring of disappointment and hurt feelings that make it hard to reconcile or find the truth.
Different personalities
Sometimes, there’s no real concrete reason that we clash with our families. It’s not always a matter of trauma or abuse. Sometiems, all it comes down to is personality. Our personalities are complex and multi-faceted, and there are aspects of those personalities that can be both inherited and learned. Coming into conflict — and ultimately estrangement — with our family members is sometimes not a matter of any major dysfunction, but rather a simple clashing of our personal outlooks and desires. When that’s the case, it’s better to make peace and walk away civilly in love and acceptance.
Major troubles and trauma
Outside of abuse, there are major troubles and family traumas that can lead to estrangement between parents and their adult children, or adult siblings and the rest of the family brood. If parents or other members of the household suffer from major mental hardships, or if there is a major trauma like the unexpected death of a parent of child — these events can have a lasting effect on the entire family dynamic. Over time, this leads to emotional injury, mental damage, and hurt that can permeate into other aspects of our adult lives.
The core fundamentals of estrangement.
Though the Hollywood ideal of estrangement looks a bit like the ungrateful child who rarely comes home for Christmas, it’s actually far more complex than that. A study, conducted by Kristina Scharp of Utah State University, showed that there are several nuanced fundamentals of estrangement. Together, these facets unify to create the mentally and emotionally damaging experience that we know as estrangement.
Meaningful contact
As we prepare to separate ourselves from our families (or as they prepare to alienate us) there is a reduction in meaningful contact, the study found, and this includes limiting the breadth and depth of the information we discuss. This comes both from a sense of futility asa well as a de-identifying process that allows one party (or both) to detach and disassociate from one another.
Communication quantity
When estrangement becomes the goal — either consciously or unconsciously — there is a drastic reduction in the amount of communication we do with one another as a whole. To some, this might look like a sudden and complete severing of contact; while to others, it might look more like a slow and deliberate lessening of the amount of time you spend engaging in face-to-face contact and conversation.
Physical distance
Moving away and staying away is one of the core facets of estrangement, and perhaps the one we most frequently consider. When one party picks up and moves away, never to return, it creates emotional space as well as physical space, and helps us to further detach from a family member that might be driving us crazy, or making us feel poorly about who we are and what we want.
Emotional map
The emotions that we feel (or don’t feel) for our family members are important, and they play an important role in whether or not we separate ourselves from them. By regularly checking in how you’re feeling when you’re interacting with that person, or spending time around them, you can better gauge what space they need to inhabit in your life. Always feeling bad around someone isn’t normal — even when they’re family — and is a cornerstone of all familial estrangement.
Overall affect
Our family members don’t just affect our emotions, the relationships we share with them can also have a serious overall affect on the quality of our lives as a whole. The study conducted by Scharp revealed the adult children that were estranged from their parents had to manage a wide range of positive and negative affects on their lives as a result of their dysfunctional parental relationships. When you come to resent someone in your family, it can result in internalized self-hatred or even a mental and emotional void that is filled with all sorts of negative coping mechanisms and feelings of hatred.
Desire for reconciliation
Though we like to think of families in the 1950’s nuclear sense, the modern, average-day family is anything but sunshine and buttercups. Spending as much time as we do with our families leads to inevitable conflict, but the true test of compassion and love lies in the reconciliation that follows. When one or more parties within a family conflict no longer desire that reconciliation (or desire to do the work that meaningful reconciliation takes), it leads to a necessary split and a shattering of expectations that is both painful and freeing.
Role reciprocation
When we grow up feeling like our parents don’t act like parents, it can cause a shift in role reciprocity and the way we connect with them. Over time, this role reversal can have a major impact on the emotions that we feel in relation to our parents, and it can also lead to some internalize nastiness that comes back to haunt us later on in life if not addressed. In short, when your parents don’t do things like provide you the love and support that’s expected of them, it messes you up; and it causes you to resent them in the long run.
The 4 truths everyone should know about family estrangement.
Before jumping into any kind of healing, there are 4 core truths that every person experiencing estrangement should embrace. Though it’s a process that feels painfully unique, it’s not — and it often has more to do with disapproval and dismissed emotions than anything. When we don’t feel embraced by the people who are supposed to love us, or listen to us, it can make it hard to stay connected…no matter how bad we might want to.
It’s more common than you think
If you think about just how much we discuss our families in a given day, you’d think that everyone is walking around with a happy and complete family…but that just isn’t the case. Estrangement is far more common than you think, and it’s something that is getting even more common in the younger generation. In a large survey of college students, 17% indicated that they were estranged from at least one family member, and another study indicated that almost 12% of parent-participants were estranged from their adult children.
With parents it’s all about approval
Though only 5%-6% of estrangements are estimated to take place at the hands of the parent, the ones that do are — more often than not — a result of disapproval. In a number of surveyed parents, it was discovered that the primary reason for cutting off their adult children was a disapproval lifestyle, or a disapproval of their relationships. This disapproval extended to friends, lovers, spouses and even their in-laws and step-parents. Proving that it often has more to do with emotion and perceived disappointment than anything else.
Adult kids make cuts too
A lot of us, having had turbulent relationships with our own parents, often think of our caretakers as the aggressors when it comes to estrangement, but adult children too often make the choice to walk away. More often than not, adult children cut out their parents because of abuse, toxic behaviors, or a feeling of being controlled, unaccepted or uncared for in any real or meaningful way. They might also just feel a lack of support, or be dealing with cumulative pain that remains unaddressed and un-dealt with.
It’s not always forever
For some, the silver lining in estrangement is that it doesn’t have to last forever. Just as everything else in this life is temporary, estrangement from your family can be temporary too. Sometimes, it just takes a little space and a little distance for both parties to get some times seeing things in a new light. Over time, this shift in perspective allows them to come back together, putting aside their difference to reunite in greater happiness and understanding of one another.
How to handle estrangement from your family.
Once you’ve embrace the truth of your situation, it’s time to embrace reality and begin your journey of healing and personal resolution. There’s no right or wrong way to go about handling the estrangement or loss of a family member, but it’s important that you do face it. When we bury the pain of estrangement deep down inside, it can only lead to more problems later on down the line; as well as a further fractured sense of self and belonging.
1. Realize and accept that you aren’t alone
Whether we realize it or not, the feelings that we feel — no matter the situation — are not unique. There is no hardship in this life we can experience that has not been experienced by someone else. Though estrangement can make us feel isolated, there is power in realizing that similar hardships are common to each and every one of us. No matter what life we might project on social media, or what accomplishments we might share proudly with our friends.
Realize that what you’re experiencing right now is something that has been experienced and felt by a million people before. No matter how painful your estrangement might be, don’t let the isolation pull you away from the truth that you’re not actually alone in this process. Others have survived this before you, and they have turned around to thrive after you. You can do the same, but that starts with embracing that you are a part of a cosmic circle and one that wants for you to thrive, no fail.
Cultivate compassion for yourself by looking to the stories of others when you’re struggling with your new relationship (or lack thereof). Find someone who has gone through a similar experience, or reach out to a friend who you think could safely embrace what you’re feeling or where you’re at. Open up, and let your story be their own. See the similarities and listen to the outcomes — both good and bad. Feel yourself become a part of a bigger cause, and feel yourself become a part of that bigger family. There are those who came before and those who will come after in the same circumstances as you. Use their stories to thrive in your own, and be an example others can look to when they’re in a rut of their own.
2. Try some applied self-compassion
One of the best things we can focus on in the wake of a new and raw family estrangement is the act of applied self-compassion. Self-compassion is not self-kindness and it’s not self-pity either. It’s taking an active role in your own healing, and it involves embracing your faults, mistakes and suffering as equally as you celebrate your joys, successes and triumphs.When we utilize real self-compassion in our lives, we extend the same kindness, caring and understanding to ourselves as we would to a friend or a loved one.
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a master in self-compassion research, there are 3 core components to true and realized self-compassion. More than just being nice to yourself, you also have to dig deep into your common humanity and become mindful of the way you both react and interact with your real, internal self. Self-compassion is a powerful tool, when we know how to wield it, but it takes a big commitment and it takes a lot of work each day to build. Adding it to our lives means finding happiness, however, and discovering that true beauty and joy is one of the most beautiful gifts we can give ourselves.
Look at things from the perspective of your inner child. Are you finally standing up for the little boy or little girl and protecting them, the way they should have been protected all those years ago? Be mindful of yourself, and be mindful of your needs (both emotional and physical). Let go of your need to be perfect for anyone, and instead on becoming the best version of yourself, for yourself. If you have an inner critic that’s out of control, work them into submission and find professional help if you need to. If there’s something you don’t like about yourself — make a plan to change it — but only after looking it boldly in the face and accepting it for what it is. Spend a few minutes each day practicing this radical self-acceptance, and use it to get beyond the pain of your estrangement.
3. Embrace impermanence
It’s a brutal fact that we never quite want to swallow, but it’s one that remains all the same: Nothing in this life lasts forever. Everything in this world is constantly changing, no matter what we do. The sooner we embrace that, the sooner we can make that truth a part of our world and therefore a part of our journey to healing.
Embrace the impermanence of life, and embrace too the impermanence of your relationships. Just because you share blood with someone does not make either of you exempt from the taxations and variables of life. Just as our romantic relationships can stutter and crumble, our family bonds can do the same. Not everyone is meant to be together, families included. The sooner embrace these fluctuations and imperfections, the easier it is to let our pain free.
If the relationship you shared with a close member of your family has changed, embrace it, and look for the silver lining. When one person walks out of your life, it’s usually to make room for another, greater love that is more powerful and transformative. Our families are defined by more than blood. They’re defined by making the choice every day to love someone unconditionally, and to accept who they are and the help that they need. Your family can extend beyond blood. It can be chosen. Start choosing your true family embrace the impermanence of it all.
4. Cut off the dead weight
Losing a family member to estrangement is a painful process, and it’s one that can feel as though it’s ripping you apart from the inside out. When we lose someone that close to us, it can feel as though we are losing a major piece of ourselves — and that pain becomes a burden and a dead weight. That’s why it’s important to use this opportunity as a launching off point, and discover how we can use this moment of pain to stage a poignant moment of comeback and transformation.
Use this moment of estrangement as an opportunity to cut out the rest of the dead weight in your life, and free yourself from the things that no longer serve who you are or what you want. Growth is pain, so open up to your suffering and push through it by capitalizing on the moment and clearing your life of the rest of the people and the plans that don’t fit who you authentically are or what you authentically want.
Don’t wait for life to happen to you. This is a poignant opportunity to learn how to be proactive, and to learn how to push yourself through the pain. Engaging in the work of clearing out your life and personal spaces are a great way to prevent the wallowing that inevitably comes, and it’s a great way to start the rebuilding process that leads you where you need to be. Life is not a game meant for spectators, nor is estrangement. Don’t wait for them to come back. Use their exit as a means to get busy cleaning up your own life, and come out on the other side sparkling and new.
5. Grieve properly
Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind. It is not pathological and it is not a personality defect. It does not occur only when we lose a spouse, a child or a parent to literal and physical death. Grief is real, and it happens to accompany estrangement. It does not make us weak or less worthy for experiencing it. As a matter of fact, when we know how to harness its transformative powers, it’s a cathartic experience and one that helps us to move on.
You should think of your grief as a natural response whose purpose is to lead you to healing. Without grief, we would not be able to appreciate the beauty in our lives and without grief we would not be able to learn the lessons that help us to grow.
Create time and space to grieve the loss of your loved one and the space their absence will leave in your life. Just like death, estrangement is a loss, and it’s one that affects the way we orientate ourselves within our environment and it’s one that can shatter the hopes and dreams we had for our future. Weather the difficulty of your emotions, and try to shift your focus toward the things in your former relationship that were good. Open up and share how you’re feeling with someone you trust, but don’t bury your feelings deep down inside. Grief is a powerful tool for change. Let the pain out and embrace the process of grieving your new estrangement.
6. Focus on gratitude
Gratitude is one of the best ways we can deal with our creeping estrangement. It doesn’t matter who you are, or whether you’re surrounded by a million people you love or not, if you’re a living human being — you have something to be grateful for. Big or small, there are beautiful things all around us that have the ability to give our lives meaning, or remind us of the good things that are just within our reach.
Take 5 minutes to sit down each day and make a list of all the things in your life that you’re grateful for. List the great things in your life and the things that make you smile. Read through the list a few times and make sure not to forget the simple things.
You’ll start to feel better when you begin to remember that it’s not all doom and gloom. There’s something out there for everyone to love in life and if you haven’t found that yet it’s time to get started. The greatest thing about happiness is that it is not a luxury commodity — it’s a state of being that exists, naturally, within each and every one of us. You don’t need your parents or your siblings or anyone else to be happy. That’s something that can only be generated from within and shared without.
7. Shift the way you think about family
As humans, many of us have a desperate need to strive for some self-defined sense of the perfect family, and that can leave us feeling detached, defeated and more stressed when we find ourselves estranged. Part of learning how to let go of a family member who no longer suits us is learning how to let go of our delusional ideals of perfection, so that we can start to make peace with the things we can neither change or control in this life (hint: it’s not much). When we let go of our need to force the perfect family, we allow ourselves to find where we’re really meant to be, and there…our authentic joy.
Spend some time with yourself (regularly) and spend some time getting to know who you are inside and outside. Focus in on your strengths, but also focus in on your weaknesses. Embrace them; open yourself up to them. Only when we face up to those aspects of ourselves that we don’t like can we turn them into attributes that we do like. Start letting go of your perfection obsession by falling in love with yourself and figuring out how to flip your weaknesses into strengths.
There is no such thing as the perfect family, and the sooner we realize that the sooner we find true happiness. Whether it comes to your parents, your grandparents, your siblings or your in-laws — the journey of existence is chaotic and unpredictable. Bad things happen. Good things happen. It doesn’t matter how well we strive to anticipate these things, or what kind of karmic destiny we work to piece together for ourselves. We all go through ups and downs, and we all succeed and fail in our own unique ways. Let go of your need to be a part of an ideal or nuclear family and look to your individuality instead. When we lean into who we are, we become easier to love and even easier to understand.
Putting it all together…
Becoming estranged from our family is a painful and hard process that is difficult to weather without the right kind of self-realization and support. Sometimes the relationships we share with our parents or even our adult children becomes fraught, toxic and shattered in ways that are beyond repair. When those incidences occur, it’s important to embrace the power of space, but it’s also important to understand estrangement and how it impacts your journey to happiness. You can find a way through the pain of estrangement, but it’s going to take time and it’s going to take a lot of forceful repositioning of your perspective. Everything is temporary, but only you can see and accept that for what it is.
Embrace your new reality and realize and accept that you aren’t alone in this life or in this fight. Lean into your support networks, and understand that family isn’t blood. It’s the people who truly see us and love us for what we are. Try a little applied self-compassion, and try focusing on you rather than on them. Embrace this change as a natural part of life and know that nothing in this life is forever. Use this learning opportunity as a chance to cut lose the other dead weight in your life, and shortcut your way through a beautiful and transformative pain (two birds, one stone). Open your arms to the growth your sadness can offer, and let yourself grieve the loss of your estranged loved one appropriately. Just because the loss is not just does not mean it is not a loss. Let go, but focus still on the things you can be grateful for. Let these things shift your thinking, and love them for the beauty they can provide in a dark time. Lean into letting go and find yourself by learning how to be yourself authentically for the first time.
