The most toxic types of partners (and how to avoid them)
If you want to avoid certain heartbreak then avoid bringing these types of people into your life.
by: E.B. Johnson
Many of us go through a number of partners in this life, in search of that special someone that can add value and meaning to our experiences. We want to build lives and memories with people that we love, and we want to create futures together that we can be proud of. Not every person is the right one for us, however. In some instances, they’re toxic, and it’s up to us to see that in time.
Spotting a toxic partner isn’t always easy, but it is necessary. The bad people in our lives don’t just wake up one day and decide to leave us alone or treat us better. It’s our responsibility to safeguard our happiness and wellbeing from predator partners, but that takes knowing how to spot one (as well as the toxic behavioral patterns they exhibit). If you want to build happier and healthier relationships, learn how to avoid allowing these toxic people into your life.
Bad partners make for bad experiences.
Romantic relationships form a cornerstone for many of our lives, and our partners can provide everything from support, to inspiration and affection. It’s not hard to understand that value the right partner can bring to your life, but too often we lose sight of how much damage the wrong person can truly do. Bad partners make for bad experiences, so it’s up to us to find the one who is right for us and build our lives with peace, happiness and contentment.
Falling in and out of toxic relationships isn’t something we do consciously. More often than not, we choose toxic partners because we have all the wrong ideas when it comes to love, romance and building lives together.
Our romantic relationships are not the be-all and end-all of our lives. They are not the sole aim, or even the sole focus of our existence. Rather, they’re an added bonus, and an extra layer of perspective that can make it easier to navigate the challenges of everyday life. When we learn to look out for toxic people, while focusing on making ourselves the best possible partner we can be — we can unlock some serious transformations where our love is concerned.
Why we fall for toxic relationships.
We fall for toxic partners and bad relationships because we think it’s what we deserve. Whether our self-esteem has been eroded, or we’ve learned tragic patterns of attachment from our parents — part of overcoming the patterns and putting them to rest is understanding your need to cling to someone who wasn’t meant for you.
Considering it deserved
Feel like you’re worthless or not capable of being loved deeply? Low self-esteem drives you to believe that you’re worthless, and therefore made to be dismissed, belittled or otherwise abused. Likewise, outdated beliefs and even socio-religious pressure can combine to create a heady cocktail that makes you believe you deserve poor treatment…often from a partner you somehow view as “superior”.
Sucker for affection
It’s not all storm clouds and violent conflicts when it comes to toxic partners. Affection often plays a major part in our decision to stay with someone we know is toxic or an otherwise poor fit. Narcissists, for example, use patterns of withdrawal, conflict and affection to manipulate their partners and get their way. Toxic partners suck us in and tempt us with that feeling of love we’re constantly chasing, in order to get their way and keep us lost in a fantasy.
Lost in delusion
Many people stay with toxic partners because they don’t realize that they’re toxic. These people are often so desperate to hold on to their relationship, that they deny all evidence of reality and any behavior that makes them small or less-than. They have no firm handle on reality anymore; no understanding of the fact that they alone are responsible for takingaction in their lives. Getting lost in delusion is dangerous, but common. We have to accept reality if we want to build happier relationships.
Zero self-esteem
One of the most common reasons we settle for toxic partners is our own failing self-esteem. Personal confidence is critical for establishing boundaries and discovering the strength that allows you to stick to your limits. It’s also the source from which we draw the perspective that informs everything from our relationship desires to our career goals.
Unhealthy attachment
We learn our attachment patterns in childhood and then reenact those patterns throughout the rest of our adult lives. If you are someone who grew up with abusive, dismissive or emotionally dismissive partners — you might have come to develop a number of unhealthy attachment patterns that have led to the belief that bad relationships are “normal”, or your unhappiness is “deserved”. Neither is true and both keep you from finding any happiness or stability in romantic love.
Feelings of shame
Bad relationships completely erode our self-esteem, and they also have a funny way of making us feel guilty or ashamed. We choose our partners, so when those partnerships go wrong it can seem as though the blame lies in our choices or in the actions that “allowed” for things to go wrong. These feelings are completely toxic and erroneous, however, and they serve no purpose in our ultimate journey to growth.
The toxic type of partners you should always avoid.
We are in control of our relationships, and we are in control of what behavior we are and aren’t willing to accept from a partner. In order to avoid toxic partners, we have to understand how these people operate within our lives. From control freaks to liars, and everyone in-between, these are the toxic types of partner you should always avoid.
Control freaks
Perhaps the most toxic type of partner who should always be avoided is the controlling or domineering person who seeks to tell you what to do, how to do it and when. This person wants to rule your life. And, when you take a deeper look, you often realize that they do this in service of their own aims. Control freaks don’t care about you or your emotions. They don’t really care about the relationship. They care about getting their way and getting submission or fealty from the people around them.
Obsessed with perfection
There is no such thing as the “perfect” partner or the “perfect” relationship; there’s only what works best for us and our vision for the future. To some, however, this vision is more desirable than actually building a life. These toxic partners are more interested in the idea of who they want you (or the relationship) to be; they’re obsessed with creating the “perfect” partner and the “perfect” relationship — and they don’t care what they have to do to get that. You’re not so much a person to them as you are an accessory.
Narcissists
Narcissists can be extremely dangerous, no matter what facet of your life they inhabit. They become especially toxic, however, when you invite them into your romantic life. The narcissist cares only about their own needs and their own experience, and they view they people around them as expendable and subservient. A narcissist will gaslight you, undermine your self-esteem, and do anything they can to keep you trapped, small and stuck within their terror and emotional manipulation.
Stage-5 clingers
The clingy partner is one that should be avoided, and one that often results from seriously lacking self-confidence. Insecurity is the name of the game with this partner, and they will expect you to somehow overcome the painful experiences of their past that fed those insecurities. They look to you to fix their self-esteem or provide them with boosted confidence. You’re a security blanket to them, and as such they demand your emotional energy and physical presence 100% of the time.
Focus on jealousy
Jealousy is a dangerous personality flaw, and it’s one that drives a serious wedge into our relationships. Jealous partners lash out, rely on conflict, intimidation and even emotional manipulation to control their partners. This can come from experiences and even deep-seated insecurities, but whatever the reason, the patterns are toxic. The jealous partner makes demands on your emotions and your time that are both tax and exhausting.
Constant competitors
A little internal competition can be good for a relationship and inspire partners to become better versions of themselves. Too much competition, however, can indicate underlying superiority complexes and a divide that is both unhappy and unproductive. When we truly love one another, there’s no need to prove ourselves or demonstrate superiority. We accept one another simply as we are and come to the table as equals rather than competitors.
Liars and deceivers
There is no good way to build a life with someone who constantly lies to you and deceives you. Relationships require a foundation of trust in order for us to truly come together and overcome challenges and adversities. Without trust, it’s hard for us to be vulnerable with one another and form the emotional connections that keep us bonded and focused through hardship. Liars and deceivers eat away at our trust, but they also undermine our security and confidence in ways that can be hard to recover from.
How to pick healthier partners (and avoid toxic ones).
Stop letting your toxic partners and attachment patterns undermine your ultimate happiness. Become a better partner to attract better relationships and learn how to stand up for what you want and what you need in your life. You are the only one who has the power to make or break your future — and that includes picking healthier partners that compliment your goals.
1. Be a healthy partner yourself
If you want to pick healthy, well-adjusted partners — then you have to first be that person yourself. Too often, we look for relationships that will “rescue” us or provide some sense of meaning and fulfillment. The problem here, however, is that we are the only people who can rescue ourselves from pain, suffering and unhappiness. Finding someone who is strong, capable, and loving requires us to first develop those qualities in ourselves, by getting a handle on our own baggage.
Stop expecting someone to show up in your life and wave a magic wand. Be the type of partner that you want to attract, and you’ll find yourself in the right state of mind (and the right physical spaces) to make that meet-cute happen.
To expect someone else to fix us, or provide a gateway to the future, is selfish. Our journey is our own, and we alone are responsible for how that journey is travelled. Look for someone who is a help-meet, rather than a rescuer. Partnerships that withstand the test of time are those in which the involved parties are strong enough to carry the weight that’s needed at every stage of the process. Stop putting your baggage on other people and make an effort to rescue yourself before looking for a savior in someone else.
2. Let go of outdated ideals
There are so many outdated ideals out there and they can seriously impact our ability to create stable and equitablepartnerships. These ideals can come as a result of examples set in childhood, or they can result from the various pressures we feel from things like our religions and society at large. One we let go of these ideals, we can take a good, hard look at what we really want from a relationship and the kind of boundaries we need to set to get there.
Take some time to analyze some relationship or partner ideals you’ve set for yourself. Question where they come from, and look at the root of the reasons you’re attracted to those things, and what kind of value or poison they’re bringing into your life.
You don’t have to cling to a belief or a standard just because that was the standard that was held in times before you. While tradition should be respected, it doesn’t need to be adhered to. Start getting to the root of what you want from your relationships and your partners. Focus on the future you’re building and focus on finding someone who compliments the direction that you’re going. We grow and change over time. It’s natural. Let go of things that no longer suit and establish relationship standards that work for you.
3. Come to the table with something to offer
Perhaps the biggest mistake we make — when it comes to finding a partner or spouse we can rely on — is failing to come to the table with anything to offer of our own. So many of us look for people who we think can rescue us. We want them to make us feel better. We want them to make us feel whole. The problem there, however, is this only leads us down a path to toxic people and a lot of heartache.
Don’t expect a partner or a relationship to heal you. You alone are responsible for your own happiness and your own fulfillment in this life. Come to the table with this understanding to hand and the willingness to carry your own baggage.
Putting all your pain and all your expectations on the back of someone else isn’t only selfish, it’s extremely toxic behaviorin itself. It’s not fair to expect our partners to heal us. We each have our own pain and our own insecurities that we’re dealing with. Stop looking for someone who will fill that hole in your heart and get proactive about filling it yourself. Be the partner you want to attract and have something to offer other than a desperate need.
4. Putting standards in their place
We all have standards — and that’s great. The problem, however, is when we fail to prioritize those standards or see their true value. These standards encompass everything from what we want in the bedroom, to the layers of emotional affection we expect. Not all are created equal, and not all are worthy of holding the same value or space in our lives. If you want to be a happier partner, be more realistic about where your standards lie.
Get real on what you really value and understand that — while physical attraction is very important — it isn’t going to last long if you’re spending the next 20 years with someone you can’t even talk to.
Prioritize your needs and compare those needs against the picture of a future you want to build. Always look forward and coordinate the decisions you make right now in the present with what you want tomorrow. Know where you’re willing to settle and where compromise is completely off limits. If you long to find yourself sitting on a porch swing, watching sunsets and drinking sweet tea…stop looking for the stud, and start looking for your soulmate.
5.Have the right things in common
Having things in common is critical in a relationship, but so many of us get these commonalities wrong when it comes tocreating something that can power through the long-term. Your similarities in personality mean little. Very different people can build very happy lives together. It’s all about finding someone who compliments your strengths and your weaknesses, while aligning the same things you want from your futures.
It doesn’t matter if your partner or spouse likes the same football team as you, or if they work down the road. The true commonality that matters is what you want from your futures.
Do you both want big families? Do you want to spend time traveling and / or focusing on careers? These are things that have to be discussed, because if you don’t want the same things from your future — your relationship has no chance of surviving. Be candid. Be honest. Be real. Don’t avoid truths that will only lead to heartache and resentment. There are some things that cannot be compromised on, and the sooner we understand, the sooner we can build happier and healthier relationships.
6. Stop rushing
One of the worst things you can do for any relationship is to rush — no matter what stage you’re in. When we’re dealing with a lot of insecurities, or when you feel as though you’re a little “lost”, you can feel the urge to put more pressure on your relationships or your partners to make up the difference. The problem here, however, is that it pushes those people away, and makes it even harder for us to see who we are and what we want from our lives.
Stop rushing and stop trying to force things that just don’t fit. We often find ourselves stuck with toxic people because we rushed to put them into our “relationship box” before we knew who they really were.
Don’t push for something that isn’t right. Allow things to unfold naturally and listen to nature when she tells you that your love is incompatible. Stop making excuses for patterns that just aren’t right, or behaviors that aren’t compatible with the type of relationship you’re trying to build. Leave the rush to city-dwellers and business moguls. Set an easy pace when it comes to relationships and allow your love and affection to lead naturally where it will (or won’t) go.
Putting it all together…
Relationships are an important part of our lives, but they can become complicated and toxic when we fail to pick the right partner for us. Toxic partners are everywhere, and it’s our responsibility to know the signs and kick them to the curb before they can inflict damage on our mental or emotional wellbeing. If you want to avoid toxic relationships, start focusing on being a healthier partner yourself.
Stop waiting for a healthy and well-adjusted partner to magically appear in your life. Figure out what kind of partner you want and then work hard to be that healthy and driven person for yourself. Let go of outdated ideals and understand that relationships only work when we learn how to come together as equals. Don’t expect the person that you love to do or be anything that you yourself are not capable of being. Come to the table with something to offer and be a compliment to your partner or spouse instead of a constant burden and battle. Relationships are a meeting of minds and a meeting of wills. Know what matters most to you and then pick someone who wants the same things from the future as you do. Similarities of personality mean little when we’re looking to build something real. Have a future in common and want the same things from your lives. Stop rushing and enjoy the journey. Open your heart. The right person is out there for you, but they need you to be whole first.
