Stop letting shame hold you back from the things you want in life
Your shame might be a part of you, but it doesn’t rule your life. Banish it to the outskirts and get back to who you were meant to be.
by: E.B. Johnson
Of all the emotions and states we experience in this life, shame is among the hardest of them — hounding us across the decades with it’s endless guilt, pain and pressure. We all feel shameful at some point in our lives, but it’s important that we overcome those feelings and keep them from being hidden away to fester, compound and boil. Shame is a toxic emotion if left unaddressed, and it’s one that takes looking bravely at how we feel and our pasts.
Overcoming our shame is a journey, and one that takes a lot of time, skill and patience to chip away at. By getting to the root of the experiences that make us feel shameful, we can get to better understand who we are and what we need in order to build a better future for ourselves. From building better support systems, to digging deep to the honesty buried within — we’ve got to drop the shame if we want a happier and more fulfilling tomorrow.
What is shame?
Shame is a complex element which exists (in some form or the other) in nearly every culture on the planet. It’s a system of control, and it’s one that causes us to commit and subscribe to a preset set of values or behaviors, which dictate how we behave and how we react in certain situation or environments. It can be used for good or bad, fair or ill, but the results are always negative self-image and an erosion of self-esteem that undermines overall happiness.
It’s important to note that shame is not guilt. Guilt is a pressure that is exerted from external forces, while shame is entirely an internalized experience. When we feel shameful, we feel as though we ourselves are flawed — rather than realizing that “truth” at the hands of someone else. It runs into the deepest levels of our self worth and can cause substantial psychological harm.
Our shame is psychological prison and one we often put ourselves in…wrongly. From body-shaming, to clinging to the injuries of our traumatic childhoods, there are a number of ways we tear ourselves apart and self-destruct in the wake of unaddressed shame. It’s a punishment of self, and a denial of happiness in every form it takes. It’s an evil that has to be addressed, but it can only be dealt with an resolved from the inside out.
The types of shame.
According to Joseph Burgo, psychotherapist and author of “Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy, and Build True Self-Esteem,” — there are 4 distinct types of shame that hold us back and destroy our internal peace and wellbeing. These types of shame can influence everything from the way we see ourselves to the way we see others. If we want to overcome it, we have to understand it.
Unrequited love
This is a unique type of rejection that can take place across several different planes. It can start early in life, with the rejection of our parents or caretakers, and it can be compounded by further heartbreaks later on down the line. It’s a type of shame that goes right to the core, and it’s one we tend to internalize greatly as something that comes down to our flaws (rather than the other person’s). It can lead to serious attachment issues later in life and struggles with emotional dependency and the like.
Unwanted Exposure
Unwanted exposure occurs when we are called out for a mistake in public, or humiliated by someone in a way that exposes or body or something that we are insecure about. It’s the type of shame we think of whenever the word is mentioned, and though it might seem superficial in some ways, its consequences can run well and truly deep.
Disappointed Expectations
Setting out to do something is a big endeavor, that takes a great deal of courage and self-compassion. When that endeavor ends in failure, however, it can cause us to feel a deep and lasting sense of shame or guilt over what we did and how things went wrong. This type of shame can occur at work, or even in your personal life. Disappointed expectations don’t discriminate.
Exclusion
Though we don’t often think of it, there is a certain shame that comes along with being left out or excluded from something that others have. This can occur at work or even in our friendships and romantic relationships. When we don’t get invited to the ball, there’s a certain internalized shame we feel; as if we weren’t good enough. Feeling like an outsider is never nice, because we place a lot of value on being liked and included in what’s going on around us.
Factors that contribute to our shame.
There are a number of factors that contribute to our shame. From low self-esteem to an overly-active self-awareness, these are the elements that make you feel ashamed — even when you shouldn’t be.
Self-esteem
Our self-esteem basically boils down to the subjective attitude we carry towards ourselves. Thinking poorly of who we are undermines our happiness and undermines our mental wellbeing. When bad things happen, this poor thinking can compound those events and cause us to blame our “bad self”. Over time, this negative self-narrative turns into low self-esteem that makes it hard for us to connect with anyone — especially ourselves.
Self-awareness
We experience shame because we, as a species, have a prolific amount of self-awareness. With that self-awareness often comes the belief that others are making judgements, and the belief too that we are constantly in some kind of “spotlight” even when we aren’t. This spotlight forces us to see our actions in terms of “right” or “wrong” and can crank our inner critic up to 11.
Standards
Standards are varying degrees of beliefs which direct and guide our actions, thoughts, behaviors and even feelings. For example, certain social standards might be the preventative measure that keeps us from laughing at a funeral, or leaving your dog’s mess on the sidewalk. Violations of these procedures can cause us to feel as though we’ve somehow transgressed a great cosmic law.
Self-blame
Much of our shame comes from feelings of self-blame, or an internalization of things that might (in reality) have been far beyond our control. As humans, we naturally seek explanations for the things that occur in our lives. Often, these assessments are skewed, or personalized in ways that are self-defeating and (usually) untrue. Blaming ourselves over and over again leads to feelings of shame guilt which ruptures our happiness and makes us see ourselves in an overwhelmingly negative light.
Personal traits
We all have different personality traits, but for some of us that includes a high level of public self-consciousness. Public self-consciousness can lead to a lot of insecurities, but it can also make us more shame prone. This shame can cause us to shut down and isolate ourselves, and it can also lead us to miss important opportunities that lead to personal fulfillment and joy.
How to overcome our shame to find happiness again.
We can overcome the shame that is holding us back and keeping us rooted to the past. If you want to start feeling better, expose your truth to the light of day, and make powerful new connections that can help you bloom and thrive in a future of your own making. There are a number of ways you start improving the quality of your life, thus overcoming your shame, but they take commitment, compassion and patience.
1. Expose it to the light of truth
Shame is a darkness, and darkness is always diminished by the light (though it might never fully go away). The first step, in banishing any sense of shame you might feel, is exposing it to the light — whether that’s the light of a trusted friend, or just acknowledging it (privately) to yourself.
Our shame is an intensely powerful experience, because it forces us to believe that we are fundamentally flawed and unworthy of love, happiness or respect. For that reason, it makes us hide, in the false belief that everyone will leave us if they find out how horrible we really are. The longer you go hiding away those feelings, the more they eat away at you.
By sharing our experiences with trusted people in our lives, we can get beyond our shame and come to see it as a piece of our past — one that has no control over our present or future. The outside perspective of a friend or loved one can help us transcend our pain, and find the lesson lurking just beneath the surface. They give us another way to view things, and one that’s often more compassionate than the one we extend to ourselves.
2. Make new connections
Forging new connections and establishing new relationships can be one of the best ways to boost our confidence and further define our sense of self. Our relationships can be a more accurate mirror by which to gauge ourselves within the world, and a release by which we can find both support and grace when we need it.
Reach out to friends, and don’t shy away from new skills and activities that could connect you with new people. Relationships are a great way to get re-familiar with your strengths, and a great way to build up the support systems you need to battle your shame.
Surrounding yourself with others who can take a compassionate, yet detached look at what you’re going through can be extremely helpful in assisting you to shape your own perspective. They can highlight issues you might have missed, or opportunities that you couldn’t see through the stress of the entire situation. By forging new relationships and reaching out to better the ones you already have, you’re actually boosting your ability to deal with shame and overcoming the darkness that’s plaguing your life.
3. Differentiate your emotions
Learning how to differentiate our emotions and put them where they belong is one of the most powerful coping tools we can master. Our feelings are powerful things, but they are not reality, and they are not in control of us (despite what they might tell us). If you want to truly overcome your shame, you have to learn how to tell the difference between what you’re feeling and why, and start separating your reactions from their surreality.
Get to the root of what you’re feeling, and try to really untangle the complex emotions that encircle your shame. Take your emotional temperature when an event occurs, rather than ten years down the road. Look at the things that trigger you, and recognize how your decision-making is being impacted by your shame. The number of opportunities you have denied yourself will surprise you.
If it helps, start keeping a record of your feelings each day, as well as a few notes on how they cause you to react to and relate to others. When we look back over our feelings, we can begin to spot the patterns that leave us stagnant, or the ones that hold us back — chained to the shame that’s ruining our lives. Show yourself a little compassion. All of us has elements in our pasts that we aren’t proud of.
4. Separate what you do and who you are
Though we often forget it, our actions and our experiences are not — definitively — who we are. Rather, they are a part of a puzzle, that comes together to form a stylized picture of who we are and who we can become. They are just little parts of a whole, but our shame can cause us to feel as though our actions (especially the bad) are the foundation of who we are at our core.
Find the gap or psychological distance between your shame and who you identify as, as a person. Let that space engulf the overwhelming emotions that threaten to drag you under, and see you reactions as a reflection of struggles, rather than a reflection of who you are at your core.
Our actions are often just reactions. Only when we learn how to control our emotions, can we control our behaviors — but until then, we have to recognize that our personal identity and our past decisions are not the same thing. You can change who you are and who you want to be at any moment in time. The choice and the next steps are yours and yours alone to do with what you will. Tomorrow is yours, and it’s just around the bend, not back in the past with your pain.
5. Recognize your triggers
Shameful feelings can coerce us into engaging in behaviors that leave us raw and feeling insecure. Overtime, those negative feelings compound, to create new insecurities that follow us through the years, long after the initial event and the initial feelings of grief or embarrassment subside. The key to managing the far reaching effects of this shame is to recognize the triggers that bring you back to those traumas and put a stop to them before they cause you to spiral.
Catch those moments when someone is being manipulative, or something causes you to disengage. Notice the feelings it brings up, and notice how those feelings cause you to react. Does it cause you to blow things out of proportion? Or shut down all together? Keep a small journal and a record of the moments that really get to you, and compare them against childhood experiences. Is it those experiences that are keeping you stuck and scared?
Recognizing triggers is a critical part of the healing process. Learning how to identify our triggers allows us to exert greater control over both our environments and our emotions; no small feat when you’re coming back from trauma, loss or grief which removed your power from you. Getting back takes getting real, and learning how to eliminate the things that don’t serve our emotional health and wellbeing in the longterm.
6. Write a new narrative
Shame can create a narrative, and one that dramatically changes the course of our lives — for better and for worse. When we’re haunted by the hurt of shameful experiences, we can start to align our lives to a repeating pattern of self-destruction, creating a private and enclosed and internalized hatred. Part of recovering from that shame is to write a new story, one in which you alone are the hero and the star; dictating your own future according to the wishes of your authentic self.
Write yourself a new story. Branch out and burst forth, letting your true self shine. Pursue those things which make your heart sing, and stop making excuses for other people (or yourself) based on the whims of other people.
Let go of the heartbroken narrative you’re stuck in, and start telling a new story. Recovery is slow, and can often feel like walking in quicksand, but it’s easy to take control of your destiny once you get the hang of it. Start living for you, and learn how to reframe the bad in your life in a way that serves the greater good. Reach out to someone you trust if you need support.
7. Master your inner critic
Our inner critics are one of the number one causes of ongoing shame and internalized guilt. When we allow our inner critic too much leeway , it can destroy our sense of self and our self-esteem in ways which make it easy for us to hate ourselves, and therefore easier for others to take advantage of us.
Ease off that inner critic and develop new ways to deal with all the biting critiques. Learn how to avoid the triggers that set him or her off and try to cultivate positive responses to her negative outbursts. You can do this by reframing your own world views and getting to the root of the childhood traumas and heartbreaks that led to such a virulent inner voice.
Judging others is stupid, but judging yourself is especially pointless. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. The sooner you realize that (and accept it) the happier you’ll be. Whatever you achieve, someone will achieve better. However bad you did, someone will do worse. Take no notice of your inner critic and start living your life in line what what you know is your authentic truth. If you want something to be different make it different, and start right now.
8. Learn how to be vulnerable
Being vulnerable is hard, but no person is an island, and no one person can tolerate the stress and pain of living forever. We need people to be there for us, and we need people to help us make sense out of the complex emotions that disrupt our lives and follow us through the decades. Getting rid of shame means learning how to be vulnerable, but that’s a hard skill to master in a dog-eat-dog world.
Vulnerability allows us to establish deep and meaningful connections, and it also allows us to be seen on a raw and primitive level. When we’re vulnerable with people who love us, and people we trust, it allows us to feel that strong sense of love and belonging we’re so desperately craving. It’s a bonder, and it’s one that can bring with it powerful revelations and release.
We have to be vulnerable from time to time in order to be relatable. We have to be open with other humans so that we can resolve the emotions that are troubling us or causing conflict in our personal and professional lives. It’s a key component of finding clarity, and it’s the first step in learning how to open up about the shameful experiences that are truly undermining our authentic joy and fulfillment.
9. Open up
Opening up to others can be hard, and it can be just as hard to open up to ourselves, revealing the inner turmoil and shame that’s causing us to miss out on the best things that life has to offer. Part of getting past our shame is learning how to talk about it, and learning how to open up to loved ones who care about us and support us.
Reach out to someone who wants the best for you. Let them know that you need to get something off your chest, and that you need their honest and unflinching opinion. If you’re not ready to open up about the behavior or experience that causes you to feel shame, open up about the emotions you’re currently experiencing. Often, just sharing how we’re feeling is a relief, and a major stepping stone when it comes to resolving our shame.
Sharing is part of learning how to be vulnerable, and it’s part of coming to a recognition of who we are and what we want. When we know how to wield it, shame can be the motivation that drives you to greater highs in your life. But, you have to take the first steps and find a way forward through your pain, upset and injury. This to shall pass, it’s just going to take some time, compassion and a little bit of nuance to get there. Open up, and speed up the process.
10. Being honest with yourself
Honesty is a difficult thing, and one with plenty of complexities and nuances. It’s not always easy to be honest, especially with others and especially with ourselves. It sometimes meaning admitting we were wrong, and it also sometimes mean finding our own peace without the decency of a resolution from the offending party or parties.
Being honest with yourself means getting honest (brutally so) about what you want, where you want to go, and what you need. It means being honest about how you feel, and it means being honest about what you don’t feel. It’s being true to who you are at your core, and true to the authentic aspects of yourself that often go ignored at the sacrifice of others.
We have to be honest with ourselves. We have to be honest about what we need to heal, and we have to be honest about the steps we need to take in order to find our way to happiness. Life is too short to live it stuck to the trauma of our pasts. Admitting that our shame is holding us back is the start of a beautiful journey, but one that takes time. Get honest with yourself about your shame if you want to thrive.
Putting it all together…
Shame is a dead weight that brings us down and keeps us chained to emotions and a past that no longer suits us. If we truly want to find our way back to authentic joy and happiness, we have to learn to let go of those negative and self-defeating thoughts and emotions that keep us stuck, scared and looking for a means to escape. We have to make the future we want, and we have to open up and expose the truth so that we can start to live in the future.
Get brave, and expose your truth to the light of day. Start with acknowledging your own shame, and then open up to someone you trust and care for. Their perspective can often soften the edges and help you shift your perspective. Learn how to differentiate your emotions, and learn too how to recognize your triggers and separate your past from who you are right now in the present. The choices we made are steps on a path — they are not the definition of who we are. Master your inner critic by writing a new story for yourself, and creating the destiny you were always meant to have. Open yourself up and get honest. You are beautiful. You are likeable. You are lovable. Realize that it’s okay to be vulnerable and it’s okay to let go of all that shame. It serves you no purpose anymore — send it on. Tomorrow is another day to be the person you want to be.
