Getting unstuck in your life and your relationships
When you get caught up in the chaos, it can be easy to lose sight of what matters. Get unstuck with these techniques.
by: E.B. Johnson
More of us are feeling more lost, confused and stuck than ever before. No matter where you look, you see someone dealing with hardship and someone looking for a light. We all want a future that we can depend on, but finding that future is hard when you’re overwhelmed by the stress, pressure and demands of your relationships and day-to-day living.
If you’re stuck in a rut, it can feel as though you’re suspended in time; forever looking outward at the lives that others are leading. This feeling is paralyzing and terrifying, causing us to collapse inward on our insecurities and further dig ourselves in to a place we don’t belong. You can find your way back to happiness and out of the rut you’re in, but it takes commitment, courage and an applied sense of self-compassion and self-discovery. Getting out of the rut requires a lot more than simply wanting it. You have to work for it and you have to start today.
Life is a sticky journey.
Life is a sticky journey, and one that is filled with a number of traps and snares that can pull us down and pull us under if we’re not careful. The things we love most in this world can also become distractions and complications that make it hard to see the paths we need to take. It is up to us to successfully navigate these experiences, so that we can build and maintain more joyful, fulfilled lives of our own; lives which are moving constantly in the direction of our dreams.
Getting past the rut you’re stuck in starts with acknowledging that it exists. Though becoming trapped can feel like a failure on our part, it’s nothing more than a natural response to the stress and pressure that we all feel at some point. Once we accept that we’ve gotten ourselves wedged into a place we don’t belong, we can start making plans to get out — but not before then.
We have to learn to look past the things that scare us and cultivate the confidence that allows us to go after what we want. No one is going to build us the happy future that we are looking for. No one is going to give us fulfillment, that perfect job, or a ladder out of the hole that we’ve dug for ourselves. The only person who has the power and the desire to move us forward is us. Get proactive about your future and understand that being stuck isn’t forever. It’s just for right now.
Signs that you’re stuck in life.
Even the best of us can find ourselves stuck in a rut from time to time. Life is tough to navigate, and it can become even more complicated when you factor in careers, life changes and considerations like family and loved ones. If you think you’re stuck in life, these are just a few of the symptoms you might be experiencing.
Daydreams become the focus
Daydreams can be a powerful motivator and a beneficial means of escapism when things are tough. Dwelling primarily in our daydreams, however? That’s generally a sign that we’re dealing with major dissatisfaction in our day-to-day lives. The more unhappy you are with your real-life circumstances, the more you’ll look to your imagination. When your daydreams become preferable to real life, it’s a major warning sign that you’re stuck somewhere you don’t need to be.
Hard to get happy about anything
We can think of our ruts a bit like a valley. When you’re stuck at the bottom, there are a lot of walls all around that make it hard to see the opportunities that lie beyond. The longer you stay in this low-sitting valley, the convinced you become that it is the only place that there is. Your imagination falters and you start to lose sight of your dreams. Your happiness then fades, and you can find yourself losing all sense of joy in life.
Overly focused on the past
The past is a tricky topic, and one that many people avoid. If your waking life, however, has become a stagnant misery — you might find yourself looking to the past for answers more than you should. While reliving our “glory days” can give us some important insight on changing our conditions, it’s not possible to relive them or find a true escape in them. The only way out of a rut is through it, by picking yourself up and taking responsibility for your happiness.
Not your own priority
Have you lost sight of your own needs? Or, have you lost sight of what you want from this life and for yourself? It’s easy to stop prioritizing ourselves when the chaos and the hardship of life comes calling at the door. We get swamped in work, in families, in our relationships — and before you know it, you’re out of shape, unhappy and have no idea who you are or what you want. Making yourself a priority is a crucial step in empowering ourselves to get out of a rut and back into life.
Little to look forward to
Ruts have a funny way of stripping our lives of the basic joys, but they do it slowly and subtly. Before you know it, you’re sitting in front of the TV and thinking, “Is this it? What else is there to look forward to?” When you’re stuck in a rut, you don’t have plans and there’s little in life that you look forward to with excitement. Your job is a bore, your family life might be unsatisfying or unpredictable, and you might be looking everywhere (but within) for some kind of sign or inspiration.
Few accomplishments
Being stuck is unpleasant and uncomfortable. The world feels like it keeps moving around you, but you feel frozen and small; stuck in the same old places while everyone moves up and moves on. When you’re in a rut, you may not feel as though you’ve achieved anything that you want to achieve. Or, you might feel as though there is little purpose to your life because you’re not doing anything with it.
Motivation as a foreign concept
If you’ve got no motivation, or feel as though inspiration is something that will never come again, then you might sit in a rut (without even realizing it). As humans, we have an insatiable desire for knowledge and bettering ourselves. We find inspiration and motivation in everything from the color of the sky to the way our partners dance. We’re unique creatures, but when we lose that motivation and will to discover — it can result in major shutdowns and loss of self.
Career struggles
Are you bouncing from career to career? Having a hard time finding your niche or something that makes you feel as though you’re part of the bigger picture? Career hopping is a common sign that you’re unhappy with where you’re at and what you’re doing. It indicates someone on a chase, without really knowing which direction they want to go. When we’re stuck in a rut, we look for easy solutions to ease our pain. Career changes can often offer just that…or at least the idea that we’ll be able to escape our stagnant existence.
Signs that you’re stuck in your relationship.
There are a number of warning signs that you might be stuck in a relationship rut. From avoidance to a lack of intimacies — we don’t just get stuck in our lives and our careers. We get stuck in our romances too.
Avoidance as the norm
Avoidance is a common sign that you and your partner are stuck somewhere that you shouldn’t be. This happens when you can’t stand being around them; or they annoy you or make your “skin crawl”. You might have stopped talking to them, or opening up about how you’re feeling. Likewise, they might also avoid spending time with you, or sharing how they’re feeling when things are going wrong in their lives.
Failing communication
Communication is one of the most important parts of any relationship, and it’s the means by which we stay connected and bonded through hardship and adversity. When communication fails, we can find ourselves drifting from our partners in a number of ways that encourage both shutdowns and disillusionment. Failing communication should always be addressed. There is no other way to work through relationship problems short of talking about them openly.
Limited intimacy
Have you and your partner stopped being intimate? Or, have you stopped being there for one another on deeply personal emotional levels? Limited intimacy on both the physical and emotional planes can be a sign that you’re both stuck somewhere you don’t need or what to be — but you don’t know how to talk about it. You might not be opening up to them like you used to (and they’re doing the same), or you may just not be connecting physically. Either way, it signals a partnership that needs to be nurtured.
Unfulfilling home life
Unfulfilling homes lives are tricky to navigate and manage. When we build families or commit to long-term partnerships, we have to make for certain allowances and also certain personal compromises. This isn’t to say that coming home should be miserable, however. If you dread coming home, or spending time with your partner or family, it can be a sign that you’re stuck in a rut within those complex bonds. You take on extra assignments at work, or go out of your way to find social excuses outside of the home. You’re looking for a way out because you’re unhappy.
Inability to be authentic
Authenticity is so important for our personal happiness, but it’s also critically important in our romantic relationships. Losing our authenticity (or losing sight of who we are on a genuine level) pushes us further away from our truths, and further away from the person that we love. Likewise, when our partners aren’t able to exist authentically within the partnership, it can lead to them shutting down and becoming stuck and unhappy.
Looking for happier horizons
Are you always looking for happier horizons? Or options that are better than the relationship you have right now? Our subconscious is a funny thing, and it always sends us the messages we need. Looking for something “better” means you’re not happy with what you have. The longer you go on struggling in the same place, the greater these feelings and urges will become; leading to a number of complex problems later on down the road if left unaddressed.
Planning misfire
As partners, we should always be making plans together and looking toward the future and the goals we’re striving to achieve. The minute we lose sight of those plans, or stop imagining ourselves together in the future, it’s an indication that something has become disconnected. When you’re stuck in a rut, you’re at the bottom of the hill and at the end of the path. Without looking up, and looking forward, it’s impossible to find your way out — both in life and relationships.
Growing away from your truth
What is your ultimate truth in this life? Your calling or purpose? We all have a reason for being here, some deeper sense of meaning that makes us feel as though our brief and brutal lives have a modicum of meaning. No matter what that ultimate truth is, if you’re not living in it then you’re going in the wrong direction. A relationship that pulls you away from your truth (or a partnership that obscures it) is no place to dwell at all. It’s a sign that you’re stuck and not taking the steps you need to take for ultimate fulfillment.
The best ways to get yourself unstuck in life and in relationships.
You don’t have to stay stuck, miserable and lost forever. By shifting your perspective, putting the past where it belongs and committing to the journey, you can find the freedom to move again, and the freedom to thrive and grow.
1. Shift your perspective
Perspective is a powerful thing, and it has the ability to dramatically improve the quality of our lives, or destroy it. Our perspective is the way we see the world, and the way we see ourselves in it. You can remain forever stuck, seeing yourself at the bottom of an unclimbable hill…or you can decide to see yourself at the top of the mountain, ready to succeed. Ultimately, we are the ones who make the decision on how we’re going to see how things are, and how we’re going toreact.
Find the silver lining in all your circumstances — whether that’s making a new friend, or just learning a lesson in the madness of it all. There is always a benefit for us, in any situation, but we have to be strong enough to look at reality and embrace it no matter how uncomfortable that might be.
Start shifting your perspective by insisting on seeing things positively. Find the gratitude in your circumstances, and look for the lessons that can enable you to move forward confidently and with the knowledge that you deserve to thrive. Shifting your perspective takes time, but it also takes a conscious effort to see the world differently each and every day. Get your relationships into focus and get your goals prioritized. Know where you fit in the scheme of things and become the author of your own story.
2. Put the past where it belongs
Dwelling too often and too long in the past can lead to a number of debilitating side effects that make it hard for us to function or change the way we see things. If you look constantly backward, dreaming of a time that no longer is — you’ll find yourself disappointed and despondent with the way things are now. If you dwell constantly in the pain as a victim, you’ll lose the power to change your current life. You have to put the past where it belongs and remove its power over you.
Stop looking backward and get committed to a forward-focused way of thinking. Severe ties with your past by thanking it for its lessons, but removing its power over your present. Those experiences were what we needed in those moments, but those moments are gone and cannot be recaptured.
Remove the shackles of your past and remove the power that others continue to steal from you through it. You are not defined by what happened. But you will be defined by how you live your life in the wake of it. Don’t disappoint yourself. Take steps to become a fuller and more realized version of who you are by letting go of your past. Put it behind you where it belongs. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Forgive your partners, and your friends, and your family. Tomorrow is a new day, but you have to let go of yesterday to get there.
3. Cultivate confidence
Cultivating confidence is one of the greatest skills we can master, as our confidence gives us the power to succeed despite the odds placed against us. When you are confident, you know that you (alone) are enough to conquer any hurdle or overcome any challenge. Likewise, you know that you are safe and secure in a partnership, because you are living your truth and living in line with authenticity.
Bolster your confidence and find a way to increase your self-esteem. Daily practices like mindful journalling and even meditation can be great places to start. Dig into your insecurities and face them bravely. Why are you allowing them to keep you stuck and scared? Work backward and name your fears and confront them with your strengths as they come to you.
Our confidence gives us the power to move beyond our stuck position in this life, and it guides us towards those things that we want most. When you’re a confident person, you attract more confident people and partners into your life. Likewise, you also attract more career opportunities and social opportunities than you might have when you were otherwise stuck, scared or frozen in a place of darkness and regret. Cultivate confidence and stop allowing your insecurities to rule your life.
4. Be hopeful and grateful
Hope and gratitude are powerful motivators in this life, and they can move us to transformative places when we strengthen them and incorporate them into our daily living. With hope, we can make greater strides toward our dreams. With gratitude, we can cultivate a more positive perspective and learn to see the good in both ourselves and the opportunities we create. If you’re stuck in a rut and don’t know where else to go, start with hope and start with gratitude to formulate a path.
Take a step back and look at your life as though from a third-party perspective. What do you see? If you look hard enough, chances are you will see something in your life that you are grateful for — whether that’s a good job, good friends, or just a nice person by your side.
Focus on those things that you are grateful for in your life and start looking for ways to incorporate more of that joy in your day-to-day. The more you see things around you that inspire gratitude, the more hopeful you will become for your future and the dreams that you’re building. Don’t feel silly for looking forward with excitement and optimism. Make it your standard by leaning into gratitude and hopefulness.
5. Reaffirm your purpose
There are few stronger guiding lights than our sense of purpose. Whether we’re stuck in a rut, or just unsure about which path to take, our purpose can be that deciding factor that advises us which way to go. Losing that sense of purpose, however, can lead to endless wandering in both our lives and our relationships. The longer we fight against life’s adversities with no sense of what we truly want from that struggle, the more lost we become.
Get focused on what you truly want from this life and do it by reconnecting with your passions. Fall back in love with yourself and the things that you do well. Chase those things that make your heart truly sing, and through that make a connection with your deeper meaning or purpose on this planet.
Reaffirm that purpose every day by taking action to live within it. If your purpose is to create art — making something every day, even if it’s only a small doodle on a napkin. If your purpose is to build a family, find a way to spend more quality time with them, and look as proactively toward their futures as you would your own. Invest in your meaning and use it as the inspiration that empowers you to overcome your current hurdles and rocket into the future of your dreams.
6. Aim small, miss small
In Roland Emmerich’s 2000 film, The Patriot, one of the characters repeats a tidbit of advice his father gave him in the midst of a defining encounter. “Aim small, miss small,” he says, while taking aim at the British officer who has taken his brother hostage. We could whisper the same mantra to ourselves when we’re looking to make changes in our lives, or we’re looking to free ourselves from the pain of getting stuck. By starting with small changes, we can create big results.
Make small changes, and don’t expect your life to transform magically overnight. Embrace the part of the journey that encompasses mistakes and setbacks and know that you will slip backward just as much as you will move yourself forward. Let these small changes boost your confidence and your joy while allowing you to make visible, motivating changes.
Know that even when you screw up and slide backward, you are no worse off than you were before you started. Re-center. Re-focus. Ground yourself. No one gets everything they do right the first time, and the same goes with healing the wounds in our lives and finding our deeper purpose and joy. Aim for small changes, and build up over time. Little by little, these little changes will amount to major motivations and accomplishments on your path in life.
7. Commit to getting what you want
At some point in this life, you have to make the conscious decision to either succeed or fail. There are a number ofhardships and adversities that life throws our way, but it is up to us to manage how we react and respond to these hurdles. Every day, people all around you wake up and take what they want from the world around them. What choice are you going to make? Are you going to continue to allow the difficulty of life to keep you stuck? Or are you going to get what you want, because that’s what you’ve been working for your entire life?
Commit to getting what you want and stop letting the ideas or influences of others keep you stuck. Release those fears. Work through your insecurities. Embrace the fact — wholeheartedly — that you have just as much of a right to achieve your dreams as any other single person on this planet. Seek professional help if you need a hand getting there.
We get stuck because of the world around us. We stay stuck because we give up and accept it. This life will give you nothing for free, and it’s certainly not built for spectators. If you want out of your rut, whether it be in your relationship or in your life, you’ve got to kick and claw your way out of it consciously. No one is going to throw down a ladder. You’re going to have to build your own stepping stones out of the place where you’re stuck. Commit to getting what you want and stop letting outside variables slow you down and distract you from your path.
Putting it all together…
This life is full of constant challenges and struggles, and that doesn’t’ seem to be getting any easier. We are constantly metwith hardship and adversity, but that doesn’t mean that we have to stay stuck, scared and chained to the attitudes and behaviors that keep us unhappy and small. It’s possible to change the course of our lives and get out of the rut that we’re stuck in. That requires commitment, though, each and every day.
Shift your perspective and start seeing your reality for what it is. Getting stuck often means losing sight of the opportunity all around. Learn to look forward and put your past behind you where it belongs. Remove its power and get focused on your future. Cultivate a greater sense of confidence and use that confidence to find the hope and gratitude that is everywhere and all around. When you learn to be grateful, you often discover an array of new opportunities and options all around. Stop allowing the chaos and hardship of life to lead you off-track, or distract you from the greater sense of love you’re looking for. Reaffirm your purpose in this life, and use that meaning to propel you toward your goals. Start with small changes, and allow those changes to add up over time to big results. Life is hard, but it doesn’t get any easier by allowing yourself to stay stuck. Start moving forward again and commit to becoming the best version of yourself that you can be.
