Your relationship is toxic and this is why

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. In fact, some of them are downright toxic.

by: E.B. Johnson

Life doesn’t happen like a storybook, and neither do our romantic relationships. Despite what we’re promised in fairy tales and on the silver screen, our intimate partnerships are incredibly complex organisms of their own, which can undergo multiple levels of change as the days and years go by.

Toxic relationships happen, but it’s crucial we know how to leverage our way out of them. When we linger too long in a partnership that eats away at who we are and what we want, it destroys the future we could create and the beauty we could find in this life. Getting past a toxic relationship often means getting out of one. But that takes a good hard look within, however, and the knowledge that you deserve to be happy.

When our partnerships turn toxic.

Toxic relationships don’t just happen; they’re monsters that are usually forged over time, as a result of our complex (and often poor) coping mechanisms. These relationships can take many forms, but they always result in the same terrible results: partners who can no longer love nor trust themselves in any real way. Overcoming these toxic and harmful relationships requires empowering ourselves in a number of ways, but it starts with understanding why we allow for such unhealthy attachment.

Toxic attachment denotes the way in which we form our closest and most intimate bonds. More often than not, when we talk about toxic attachment, we’re talking about behaviors like jealousy, dominance, manipulation, selfishness and desperation. These are the behavioral patterns that destroy and undermines the connections that bring our lives joy, and they’re far more common than you might think.

These poisonous relationships center around a “fantasy bond” or an imaginary perception of what their relationship is (or what they want it to be). A fantasy bond occurs when two people form an illusion that is based on individual fears, rather than facing up to things for what they really are.Fantasy bonds replace the real feelings in relationships and replace then with something much more dangerous altogether: a desire to merge identities.

Where our toxic attachment comes from.

We learn our bonding behaviors when we’re young, and we continue to test and refine those patterns over time. The things we take on in childhood can follow us throughout our lives, but there are also a number of other places that we learn the toxic relationship patterns that keep us stuck, scared and searching for some shred of happiness in eternal night.

Eroded self-esteem

If you can’t respect yourself, it’s hard to find other people that will respect you either. Feeling good about ourselves is important; loving ourselves even more so. Poor self-esteem is one of the number reasons people find themeselvestrapped in relationships that don’t suit them, but that self-esteem too comes from a number of different places. We might suffer from poor self-esteem because of past relationship experiences, or we might suffer from low self-esteem because of traumatic childhood experiences. Whatever your reason, it’s imperative that you identify it and correct it in order to thrive and break free of your poisonous passions.

Failure to break the cycle

As humans, we’re creatures of habit, but those habits can quickly become corrosive or self-defeating. The real problem, however, is that even when that’s the case — we often don’t walk away. Why? Because the familiar is more comfortable than the unfamiliar; a known bad is perceived to be safer than an unknown potential good. Our patterns and our routines hold an important role in our lives. We often put our routines on autopilot, however, and forget to assess them regularly for their effectiveness in our lives. Just because we do something doesn’t mean it should be done, and it certainly doesn’t mean there isn’t a better way to do things in future.

Fear of being alone

We live in a society that constantly tells us that our worth is a direct correlation of our relationship status. From adverts to movies, love songs to storybooks — romantic relationships are made up to the backbone of happiness. Holding those beliefs too dear, however, can get you stuck in some unhappy situations. Clinging to relationships simply because you’re too scared to be alone is no justification. It’s natural to want a partner, but it has nothing to do with our true happiness, as this can only be defined by ourselves alone. Making your happiness dependent on another person will always result in failure. Learning how to make yourself happy, though? That lasts forever.

The signs you might be dealing with a toxic relationship.

Just because you know what toxic attachment is and where it comes from, doesn’t mean it’s always easy to spot those patterns in your own life. Our patterns of belief and behavior are complex, and they can take on a number of appearances. If these common signs of a toxic relationship sound familiar to you — it might be time to take a step second to reassess.

Endless bad

When we’re in a toxic relationship, our environment and our emotions throw up all kinds of signs to try to warn us away. One of the most common ways we can suss out whether or not a relationship might be bad for us is to consider how we feel each and every time we’re around our partner. If all you experience with them is bad, bad and more bad — that’s not normal and it’s not natural. Endless feelings of bad, or constantly having a bad time with your partner, is a sign that things aren’t working.

Booby traps everywhere

Toxic relationships are full of “gotcha” moments, in which we stumble into traps that further undermine our happiness and the trust and security we hold in our partner or spouse. When you’re in a really toxic or abusive relationship, you’ll feel as though you’re walking on eggshells and constantly looking for that “Ah-ha!” moment when your partner will confront you for what you’ve done wrong. Statements become traps, and you start to move through the world like you’re wearing a constant disguise.

Loss of words

Being beaten down by a partner emotionally and mentally is a process that happens over time — not over night. When you’ve taken all the hounding you can take, more often than not, you’ll respond by backing down or shutting off. You stop saying the things you need to say or want to say, because you start to feel as though it’s “just not worth it”. Little by little, you lose sight of who you are and what you want as an individual.

Zero effort

Just showing up every day isn’t enough to constitute a successful, fulfilling and healthy relationship. Partnerships are hard, and they take constant energy, effort and commitment. We can’t just agree to move and pay occasional lip service to someone. That’s no different than a roommate. Real and meaningful relationships mean putting action to our words and showing our partner how much we care about them each and every day.

One-sided compromise

If you’re the only person who’s ever required to compromise in your relationship, then things are off-balance and potentially toxic. No partnership can be held together by one person constantly rolling over. As the name entails, these types of relationships are a give and take, and they require all parties to be present and ready to take charge or make moves. We should all give what we can, but we should never take more than we need. And always — we should seek to split the hardships and the work with our partners.

Keeping score

As humans, we all make mistakes and that doesn’t stop just because we got into a serious or committed relationship. Missteps happen, but the great part about it is that it’s something that can lead us to transformative growth and understanding. That requires letting things go, however, not keeping a tab — which is what many toxic couples find themselves doing. The poor choices and mistakes are brought up over and over again, and neither partner is able to let the other one forget about the wrongs that have been done. It’s tit-for-tat, and in that direction lies heartbreak.

Physical and emotional abuse

It goes without saying that physical, mental and emotional abuse are always, always, always signs of a toxic relationship. There is no such thing as a healthy relationship in which one partner roughs up the other, or undermines who they are or what they look like. Abuse — in any form — is wrong, and there is no behavior, action or activity that you can engage in that justifies it in any form. Period.

All the passive aggressive

Passive aggressive behavior is problematic, no matter where you face it, but it’s especially corrosive in our romantic relationships. A passive aggressive partner is one who is willing to attack their spouse indirectly, a cowardly move meant to establish dominance or emotional control in a relationship. They might disguise their attacks as something else, but it’s always manipulation in the end.

Zero resolution

Truly toxic relationships are turbulent ones in which both parties are so busy struggling, they they rarely find the time for true resolution and growth. When you’re in a bad relationship, you hardly ever get on even footing and you hardly ever come to see things eye-to-eye with your partner. There’s no trust, and neither person has the emotional capacity or resilience to deal with issues in safe and meaningful ways, because they’re pressed to the brink.

The Oprah Effect

When we’re in good, healthy relationships, we can lean on one another for support, and we know that anything hard we encounter can be shared with our partner safely. A toxic relationship, however, doesn’t allow for this, because it’s often under the Oprah Effect. Anything you’re going through — no matter how out there, specific, or painful — the other partner has been there, done that and gotten the t-shirt. What should be sharing becomes a warped sort of Pain Olympics, where one partner or the other no longer feels safe to share what’s happening in their lives.

Lies on lies on lies

Lying and infidelity critically undermines the security and trust that is so crucial in our relationships. Endless lying is extremely toxic, and it doesn’t just erode our relationships — it erodes who we are and our sense of what matters. When your partner lies you stop trusting them, but you also stop trusting yourself. This lack of trust follows you, and can pass from one relationship to the next, until you lose perspective and the ability to manage your relationships healthily.

One-sided decisions

As partners, we are faced with a number of big life decisions which can have a major impact in the future we’re designing. In order to make the decisions that are best for our combined futures, it takes a balanced and effort and dual consideration, however, which is something seriously lacking in the toxic relationship. If one partner becomes the one to make decisions unilaterally, the partnership has stopped being a team affair and has become a dictatorship. No matter what your cultural or religious beliefs might be, this isn’t only unfair…it’s wrong and dangerous.

How to begin processing a toxic relationship.

Overcoming our toxic atachment patterns takes a lot of time and it takes a lot of introspection. More often than not, we fall into toxic patterns because we never take the time to fall in love with ourselves. If you really want to break free of your poisonous relationship habits, try shoveling down a dose of some radical self-acceptance followed by a dollop of reality.

1. Admit and accept

The first step in overcoming a toxic relationship is to admit where you’re at, and accept where you need to go. Acceptance isn’t easy, but it’s a beautiful thing that could unlock some truly transformative powers within us. When we accept our relationship for what it really is and admit where we’re at, we can start to create a plan for action and get ourselves back into the light of joy.

Understand that love and loyalty don’t always exist together, and understand that mistakes and poor relationships don’t mean you’re a bad person. Spend some time alone each day really digging deep into where you’re at and how you’re feeling. Analyze your relationship, then compare it against your vision of the “perfect” relationship for you.

Though no partner is perfect, there is a perfect partner out there for everyone. If you’re stuck now to someone who hurts you, makes you feel small, or belittles what you want — it doesn’t have to be forever, but it is going to take some willpower to overcome. Toxic relationships are complex and nuanced, so only when we understand them for what they really are can we truly empower ourselves to get out of them. Admit that your relationship is broken, and accept that you are as worthy of a healthy and loving partnership as anyone else in this world. No one can take that on board but you.

2. Boost your self-esteem

More often than not, we find ourselves in broken or crumbling relationships because we are struggling with low self-esteem issues. Our self-worth is crucial part of who we are, and — with it — we define our boundaries and create the relationships that bring us fulfillment and happiness. When we allow that self-esteem to be trampled on or destroyed by someone else, we allow them to trap us in place that is both dangerous and dark. If we want to escape, we have to know we can do it…and that takes confidence instilled by self.

Stop thinking that this is the best that you can do and know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that you are worth everything you want in this life. Rather than focusing constantly on making your partner feel good about themselves, start focusing on making yourself feel good. Take credit for all those little wins, and start stepping up to the plate for yourself. Self-esteem is a delicate, like the wings of moth, and it takes a little boosting every day.

Regularly take some solo time to take your self-esteem inventory, and check in on the things that are making you feel bad, and making you feel good. Really get to know yourself, and don’t shy away from your insecurities or the things that make you flinch. You are beautiful and powerful in every inch of who you are. Embrace that, and use that embrace to absorb the knowledge that you are absolutely enough as you are right now in this moment. Stop comparing yourself to whatever vision your toxic partner is projecting, and wholeheartedly follow the new and shining vision of self you’re building.

3. Detox yourself

Simply knowing your relationship is toxic (and embracing it) isn’t enough. Our partners play key roles in our lives, and breaking things off with them isn’t something that just happens with one click of the finger. Once you’re ready to let your toxic partner go, you have to detox yourself from them — little by little — and make sure you have the mental and emotional support you need to stay strong and focused on the future.

Stop letting all the manipulations and and delusions keep you from doing what needs to be done. Create space, slowly, between yourself and the toxic person and do it in stages and phases. When you’re ready, open up to them, and let them know exactly why you’re creating space and what your ultimate goal is. If you don’t want to be with them anymore, let them know, but don’t let yourself be drawn back into the trap of falling for the game.

Once you’ve got enough space, cut the contact. Block their number, change your phone number. Make sure they can’t get in touch with you on social media or through any of your friends. Toxic partners can often be dangerous partners, so detach yourself safely and enlist the help of your support network to keep that space in place. Let them know that you can’t go back to the way things were, and let them know what effect the other person could potentially have on you. By creating space slowly at first, we can make things that much easier on ourselves when it comes to making the final leap.

4. Focus on self-growth

Perhaps one of the greatest mistakes we make when shifting a toxic relationship is that of focusing entirely on the other person. We, as humans, have a tendency to really gravitate more toward the negative story. When we’re breaking things off with a negative partner, we often get obsessed with what they did wrong, or what they continue to do wrong; when in fact, the real power is focusing on what we can do to be better and avoid the same mistakes again.

Rather than focusing on the person who hurt you, start focusing on yourself. Make self-growth and personal betterment the whole purpose of your journey, and not only will you create a better life for yourself — you’ll attract a higher quality of person into your life.

Take all of that time and energy you spend trying to understand your broken partner, and apply it to yourself. Work on your self-esteem. Pursue your dreams. Go after the things you want and the things that give you confidence, hope or optimism in this life. Better people bring better people into their lives. Let go of the people who continue to hurt you and do you wrong, and focus on the one person who can love you and hold your hand through every single painful moment in this life: yourself.

Putting it all together…

Holding on to toxic forms of attachment only serves to hold us back in life from our happiness and our authentic and natural sense of joy. When we commit to habits that don’t suit us, we defeat ourselves in a cruel game of emotional rummy that can leave us beaten down and stuck in relationships and situations that destroy us more than they build us up. Getting out of toxic relationships is important, but it takes time and it takes acceptance and understanding first and foremost. You can give yourself the strength you need to escape, but you’re going to have to accept things as they are first.

Know the signs of a toxic relationship, and know when things have more than just gotten a little rocky between you and your partner or spouse. Abuse, emotional neglect and passive aggressive behavior isn’t normal…in any relationship. If you’re walking around feeling bad all the time, or you’re constantly fearful of your partner and their over-the-top reactions — you’re stuck in a situation that might be not only toxic, but dangerous too. Get brutally honest about your safety and your happiness, and accept your relationship for what it is. Only then can you empower yourself to break free and find your joy again. Create space between you and the toxic person, and focus on boosting your self-esteem and taking charge of your own personal growth. When we learn how to focus on making ourselves better, we can create better lives for ourselves, but that takes courage and the knowledge that we are worthy of all the good things we want in this life.