The undeniable signs you’re in an abusive relationship

Some signs are more telling than we want to admit. These are the undeniable signs you’re being abused.

The reality of abuse is everywhere around us, yet so many of us struggle to see it in our own relationships. Far more than just hitting and screaming, abuse is a nuanced and complicated action that pervades our lives in a number of ways. Your partner doesn’t have to make an attempt on your life, or leave you with a black eye to be abusive. Abuse leaves its scars in our minds and in our hearts too. Scars that last a lifetime and impact us in irreversible ways.

The first step in overcoming abuse is admitting it exists in the first place. This isn’t always easy, and it certainly isn’t pleasant — but it’s a pain that’s necessary for us to move on independently and in joy. Stop running from the truth that is staring you in the face. Once you admit that you are a victim of abuse, you can take steps to change the entire world around you. Don’t settle for pain when you can have a future full of pleasure. Accept that they’re abusive and start moving on.

Relationship abuse isn’t as obvious as it seems.

Our relationships can be a powerful source of love, inspiration and support in this life. Sometimes, though, they become havens of contempt, resentment and fear; as the love we once held slips into toxic power dynamics that make it impossible to stay connected with our joy or our authenticity. When this happens, we often find ourselves standing in the midst of poisonous, abusive relationships. When the person that we love turns into a monster it’s time to arm ourselves in knowledge.

There are different types of abuse, and each has its own differences and subtleties. When we think of abuse, we typically think of violent physical brawls; in which one or more parties are left battered and bruised. But abuse is far more complicated than that. You can also cause someone emotional trauma and mental trauma, which — in many cases — is more long lasting and destructive to their lives.

Relationship abuse isn’t always as obvious as it seems. Beyond that, though, it’s not always easy to accept. Putting yourself in the place of a victim is painful, and it’s an act which can also seriously undermine our happiness in this life. Though we might be the victims of an abuser, we cannot adapt to a victim’s mindset. We have to commit to finding happiness and find the courage to move beyond this person whose shadow hangs over our lives.

Why we struggle to accept our abuse.

You might be thinking, “I would know if I was in an abusive relationship.” But that’s not always the reality of it. Abusers (and therefore abuse) can be slow, subtle and sneaky. We have our own hangups, though, which makes it challenging to see or accept abuse…even when it’s happening to us.

Low self-esteem

Do you struggle with low self-esteem? Or thoughts of worthlessness? These can lead to a number of challenging personal outlooks and decisions, which land us (frequently) in the laps of those who abuse and take advantage. When you think that you’re worthless, you allow other people to treat you like you’re worthless. Overtime, this treatment becomes normalized and you struggle to see yourself in any other light.

A haunting childhood

Those who suffer from childhood trauma or abuse often find that they repeat that trauma in their adult lives. This is especially true when it comes to their romantic relationships, where they regularly try to make up for the toxic relationships displayed to them by their parent, siblings, or caretakers. You can think of a dysfunctional childhood a little like a ghost. It follows you around for eternity, whispering in your ear and encouraging you to accept all the bad things you never deserved.

Rose-tinted glasses

When we put on rose-tinted glasses, we refuse to see reality for what it is. Instead, we make the conscious decision to focus only on the positive — even if that positive doesn’t exist. It’s a defense and coping mechanism, but it’s one that leaves us chained to abusers and their dangerous behaviors. Wearing the rose-tinted glasses means it’s easier to pretend the abuse isn’t happening, rather than accepting that it is happening to you. A lot of ego goes into this denial.

Wrong priorities

Do you put your partner’s wellbeing over your own? Do you value having a relationship over your own happiness? It’s not surprising. Most of us were raised in societies in which romantic relationships were touted as the most important thing you could do. We were taught that in order to have value; we had to have partners and then stay with them no matter what. Not only is this an outdated belief, it’s a toxic one too. Which leaves us clinging to partnerships we don’t really want, and partners who destroy us.

Societal pressure

Societal pressure can go a long way in informing the relationship decisions you make. This includes pressure from your faith groups and leaders, or just the pressure from your local culture in general. This happens when these institutions encourage us to conform to certain ideals — including maintaining relationships at all costs. Some religious doctrine and fundamentalist societies encourage toxic relationship dynamics that completely erode our happiness.

The undeniable signs of abuse (you might be overlooking).

You have to stop running from the signs that are right in front of your face. Until you embrace these red flags for what they really are, you’ll remain stuck, unhappy, and gasping for air in a relationship that destroys your potential. Look for these subtle signs of relationship abuse if you want to protect your future.

Silent treatment as standard

Does your partner regularly give you the silent treatment? Do they withdraw affection, attention, or general sensitivity whenever you displease them, or step outside of whatever expectations they had? While this is certainly juvenile behavior, it’s also mentally and emotionally manipulative — which can also be abusive. This silent treatment is used to force you into submission, or put you back in a powerless place where you’re begging for attention. It’s a classic move of abusers, and one often missed by the abused.

Too much charm

Abusers learn to be charming early on, in order to keep their victims sweet. This is because a constant bombardment of abuse would make their intent more obvious and force people away. So, when things start to sour, the abuser turns on the charm…too much charm for comfort. Look for a partner who moves from sour to sweet in the blink of an eye. Whenever you bring up issues, you might notice that they quickly move to a sweeter demeanor in order to shift your anger (or the blame in general).

Little financial control

Abuse is all about power and taking power from one partner to place in the hands of the other. This shifting of power happens in a number of ways, but perhaps one of the most subtle ways in which a partner might consolidate control and take power from you in a relationship is by taking over financial control. They restrict your ability to move about and maintain your individuality by clinging to the purse strings and denying you access. It can also be used as a means to guilt and shame you into staying put and staying quiet ( ex: “I make all the money, so you have no right to complain.”)

Never-ending critiques

Does your partner criticize everything you do, say, wear, or think? Is their way the only way of looking at the world and living in it? Do they make sure you conform to that vision in any way possible (including terror and emotional manipulation)? On top of that, you might find that they also regularly set you up for failure; which then enables them to further criticize you, or run you into the ground. However they go about it, they make you believe you are dumb, ugly and worthless. All of which is incorrect.

Shouldering the blame

Relationships are a partnership, and that means that — in order to work — both partners need to put in an equal amount of effort. This doesn’t only come down to the energy we put into making one another (and ourselves) happy. It also comes down to the way we take responsibility when things go wrong. A partner who always shifts the blame on to you is one who can’t admit what they’ve done wrong. They use this behavior to reinforce your ideas of powerlessness and worthlessness.

Sexual coercion

Sexual coercion is in no form healthy when it comes to our romantic partnerships. Sexual intimacy can be both a means of fun, and a means of procreation. Through sex, we learn how to be vulnerable and connect with one another in untold ways. Being forced into that intimacy, or being pressured into intimate acts when we aren’t really feeling it — is abuse. There is no circumstance in which it is okay to force someone into such a vulnerable position without their full and genuine consent.

Juvenile behavior

Abuse happens in a range of degrees and styles. Sometimes, it’s as blatant as physical abuse. In other instances, however, it’s more slow-moving and annoying. This includes juvenile behavior that keeps you on your toes or otherwise unhappy and on-edge. These destructive and petty behaviors can include a partner who always teases you, telling you that you are “too sensitive” when you get upset. It can be as simple as disrespecting you, though, or engaging in activities that they know will hurt you (or the partnership).

Zero compassion

Does your partner show compassion for you? Are they empathetic to your needs? Or do they go out of their way to make sure you’re understood and heard when you’re struggling? We have to maintain this type of empathy and compassion throughout our partnerships in order to stay engaged and fair with one another. The minute we lose this empathy, the more we find ourselves resenting our partners; then choosing to engage in behaviors that can be both destructive and abusive as a result.

Off-balance power dynamics

All abusive relationships come with some kind of skewed or obstructed power dynamics. Traditionally, this occurs in the shape of an inferior / superior relationship, in which one partner takes on the “top dog” role, while relegating the other partner to a position of “inferiority”. Does your partner constantly feel a need to “put you in your place’? Do they talk down to you, or make it clear that they make the rules? This is abusive behavior that strips you of your identity within the relationship.

Walking on eggshells

This is the most common sign of abuse across all types — emotional, mental, and physical. When you live with an abuser, your entire existence becomes possessed by avoiding their constant anger and ire. You go out of your way to avoid them, their tempers, and the threat they pose to you. This might be literal avoidance, or it might be more of a “holding back” of self and opinions. Either way, you spend all your time and energy walking on eggshells in order to avoid being “punished” by your abuser.

What you need to do next.

Simply knowing some subtle signs of abuse isn’t enough. Once you’ve ripped through the veil and peeked at reality, you have to start making plans and take action to protect your wellbeing. This takes times, and it takes reaching out and securing the resources you need. Don’t hang around waiting for happiness. Take action to make your life better and safer.

1. Center your perspective

Before you take any drastic action, or lash out in harmful ways — you need to take some time centering your perspective and getting honest about your truths. You have to fully accept where you’re at and what’s really going on before you can coordinate a workable plan of action or escape. This means getting some time to look within and pinpoint who you are, what you want, and how you’re being impacted by your partner’s behavior.

Find a way to get some time on your own, even if it’s just 15–20 minutes in the shower every morning. Use that time to clear your head and really focus on where you’re at. Let in all your emotions and all the brutal truths you’ve been shutting out. Write them down if you can. Look at your reality for what it really is. Are you happy, or are you miserable? Why?

Really lay out your partner in the open. Imagine a giant scale sitting in the middle of an empty room and now imagine your partner has been divided up into 2 large jars of marbles (one jar white; the other grey). Think of all the good things your partner does for you and place a marble on one side of the scale for each one. Then think of all the pain and upset and do the same with the gray marbles. Watch the scales tip. Which direction do they lean? Between the good and the bad, you’ll find your reality.

2. Reach out to trusted contacts

Depending on the type of abuse you’re experiencing, it can be impossible to get out on your own. Even if you can — the help and support of those you trust to provide you with the courage, energy, and perspective to take the action you need to take. This is not to say that you should look to your friends and family to rescue you, but you should look to them for insight and direction when you’re feeling lost in an abusive relationship.

Identify a few key contacts you know you can trust. If possible, avoid anyone who might be connected to your abuser (i.e. their friends, family, or coworkers). Find a safe time and space to open up to them without interference from anyone else and give them a little glimpse into what you’re feeling or dealing with.

Don’t feel like you have to put everything out there at once, but once you’ve said your piece, give them a chance to respond. Listen when they tell you what they think, but understand that they won’t have all the answers either. What they will have is ideas, though, and comfort and care that is desperately needed. Let go of any shame or guilt you might feel and know that it is perfectly common to find yourself in the claws of an abusive partner. Your loved ones don’t care about shame. They just want you to be safe and happy.

3. Speak with an abuse expert

No matter what type of abusive situation you’re in, and no matter how bad it is — there is someone out there who can help you escape and build a better life. There are experts out there who have spent decades of their lives helping those who find themselves stuck in abusive relationships. You’re not alone and — sadly — you’re not unique. Once you’ve accepted the truth and opened up, you need to speak to someone who can help you take the next steps the right way.

Look for an expert who specializes in your particular form of abuse or predicament. There are professionals out there who can specifically help you based on your religion, your gender, your race, your location, and even the type or severity of abuse that you’re dealing with.

There are abuse experts who specifically deal with those leaving abusive relationships involving extreme faith. There are those who deal with extremely dangerous relationships, and physical abuse of lethal level. Don’t feel shamed or terrorized into staying quiet. There is someone out there who has seen cases so much worse than yours. You have nothing to hide anymore. Get the help you need so that you can be free and happy again.

4. Make an action plan

Though it is a hard truth to swallow, you cannot remain with your abuser if you ever want to be happy. You will never change them. It’s not possible. With that knowledge to mind, you have to commit to your own wellbeing and ensure that you get away safely and with the resources you need to thrive without them. This means careful planning and taking time to get things right. If you’re suffering with extreme abuse, this is where a professional becomes invaluable.

Depending on the circumstances of your situation, you will need to make an action plan with a few key elements: safe areas, key contacts, financial reserves, go-bags, and a setup. With these things to hand, it becomes easier to step out on your own and away from the abuser who has consumed all the power and autonomy in your relationship.

Spend a lot of time coming up with a careful action plan that you can follow in complete confidence. If you are the victim of extremely virulent physical or emotional abuse, work on this plan with another person. Memorize name and numbers; open up private bank accounts and keep the documentation at a friend’s house. Leave as little of a paper trail as possible and make no sign of your plans until you are ready to pull the trigger and disappear into a new life.

5. Shift the victim mentality

Being a victim of abuse does not mean you have to adopt a victim’s mentality. This mentality burdens us with a powerlessness that completely erodes any chance of happiness we might find. Though we are the victims of abuse, we are still in charge of our own destinies. In order to see to this, though, we have to take responsibility for ourselves and the hardships we face in this life. Are you going to choose to overcome? Or allow yourself to be buried. One choice is the hero’s; the other is the victim’s.

Shift your victim mentality and refuse to allow your abuser to take one more inch of your power from you. You can change your thoughts. You can change your emotions. You can learn how to control your behaviors and the surrounding environment (to an extent). It’s all about how you decide to play it. You can give up, or you can put up a fight.

It’s not easy working your way to this fighting mentality, but it’s necessary if you want to break free. Look at the most powerful people in the world. They got there because someone — at some point — stood up and said, “I’m taking what I want.” You have to do that as a victim if you ever want to move past the abuse. Stop allowing other people to dictate what your life is going to be, or how you’re going to feel, and make every day entirely and authentically your own. Spit in their face by leading the life you always wanted…free of their fear.

Putting it all together…

It’s not always easy to spot the signs of abuse, nor is it easy to accept them. We must look for these subtleties anyway, however, and commit to taking action against them in order to safeguard our own wellbeing. There is no shame in being the victim of abuse, nor in taking action against an abuser. Protect yourself and your happiness with understanding and with courage.

Center your perspective and get grounded in reality. Accept where you’re at and accept who your abusive partner truly is. When you stop running from the abuse, you can take action to stop it. Reach out to friends and family you can trust and start putting together the courage to make some moves for your independence. Once you’ve committed to escaping, you can find an abuse expert that can help you come up with an action plan that allows you to get back to your freedom again. You don’t have to hide in the shadows, or remain out of shame. There is a whole network of people out there ready to help you, but you have to take the first steps in standing up for your future. Remember, you can’t change them and you never will. Let go of your victim’s mentality and embrace the idea of a new tomorrow. You don’t have to live in pain and shame anymore. Accept the truth and open up your arms to a happier tomorrow.