You’re asking too much from your partner in the bedroom
Being intimate with our partners is important, but what do we do when our desires ask too much?
by: E.B. Johnson
Sexual intimacy is a fundamental part of almost all long-term relationships, and it’s not hard to understand why. We are a species obsessed with sex, and a lot of that comes down to our natural instincts and desire to connect. This sexual intimacy can come fraught with problems, however, especially when we pressure our partners or otherwise ask too much of them when it comes to what goes on in the bedroom.
If you and your partner have become disjointed intimately, it might be an indication that you’re asking too much from them. Not every person shares our sexual desires, and not everyone we choose to build our lives with will always be able to match our sexual drive. We have to learn to meet our partners in the middle and come to see sex as an important expression of intimacy between one partner and another. Start expressing your needs openly and let your partner do the same. Don’t push them in directions they don’t want to go.
There’s always a line to be drawn.
Every person has lines and limits when it comes to their sexual desires, as well as what they’re willing to try. These limits are natural, and they go a long way to protect us and safeguard our physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. There’s always a line to be drawn, and it’s up to as adults (and as respectful partners) to figure out where that line is both for ourselves and in respect to our spouses or loved ones.
We can put pressure on our partners without even realizing it, and this can lead to some serious complications in our relationships and the way we relate to one another. Whether the pressure is intentional or not makes no difference; if one partner feels as though they “have” to be intimate, the line has already been crossed. That’s because intimacy isn’t about a zero-sum game.
When it comes to mutually consensual, romantic partnerships, sexual intimacy is about reassuring one another, consent and respect. A show of compassion from you does not obligate your partner to then reciprocate with a show of sexual favor. Just like a partner’s expression of fantasies to you does not require you to agree. Truly healthy sexual relationships rely on communication to find a mutually enjoyable middle ground. Without that, there can be no honesty and no equality in the bedroom.
Why we push for things they can’t give us.
The partner who pressures their spouse for sex didn’t get that way overnight. They learned their behavior through a number of toxic patterns, and beliefs that helped them get their way. If you are dealing with a sense of entitlement or a selfish perspective, you could be putting pressure on your partner that you didn’t even realize was there.
Sense of entitlement
Entitlement is the gate key to abuse and narcissism alike, and one of the most common ways by which we might pressure our partners into giving in to us sexually. When you feel entitled to someone’s body, you expect them to give you what you want and you have zero consideration for what they need in order to do that. Entitlement is abusive, harmful and wrong — no matter what way you look at it. Despite the relationship we share with someone, they never truly owe us anything.
One-person perspective
Self-centered people and narcissists don’t care about the needs of others, and that includes the intimate relationships they share with their partners behind closed doors. If you can only see things from your point of view and have a hard time understanding why your partner or spouse might have sexual limitations — it’s a sign that you’re insisting on seeing things from your perspective only; and that includes your sexual gratification.
Failing to know better
Some people believe that all relationships fall into certain dynamics. These dynamics can be the result of personal choices, or they can result of the outward pressure of things like society or religion. Failing to know better, one partner might carry certain expectations of the other, and become disappointed when those expectations or fantasies aren’t met. While their displeasure doesn’t come from a malicious place, it’s hurtful all the same. It’s up to us to cultivate the awareness, to know better as individuals.
Broken view of relationships
When you have a broken or skewed view of relationships, it impacts everything from how you meet people to how you relate to them sexually. Viewing relationships entirely through sexual intimacy, or feeling as though your worth (or the worth of your partner) is dependent upon their sexual performance and gratification is toxic, and it’s a belief that can often start in childhood. These broken views of relationships produce broken partners that perpetuate toxic intimate patterns.
Signs you’re asking too much from your partner in the bedroom.
Unsure if you’re pushing your partner too far in the bedroom? These are some common warning signs that you’re asking too much, or putting your own pleasure and fulfillment over that of your partner.
Continuing despite objection
Pushing your partner beyond their natural limitations in the bedroom is abuse, unfair and cruel. If you and your spouse or loved one find yourselves being intimate, and you continue after they have asked you to stop, not only are you committing a crime but you’re also putting them in places they don’t want to go. Healthy intimate relationships are those based on mutual respect, and that includes respecting sexual limitations in the bedroom how and when they appear.
Using guilt against them
If you have to use guilt to coerce your partner into engaging in certain intimate acts, then you’re pressuring them into doing something that they don’t want to do. It doesn’t matter if they’ve done it before. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s “no big deal”. Manipulating someone through their emotions, to give into your intimate desires, is abusive, cruel and self-centered. It’s asking far too much of someone who is clearly not interested at the moment.
Demanding a standard of performance
Whatever you might like to tell yourself, sex isn’t an Olympic Sport and you won’t get any medals for being good or bad at it (unless you’re a professional). As such, it’s ridiculous to make your partner believe that you demand a certain standard of performance. It makes them a slave to your intimate desires and projects the idea that your needs alone are the ones worth gratifying.
Persisting after being told “no”
Once a partner has expressed a genuine disinterest in engaging with us, it’s our responsibility to walk away and respect their wishes. There is nothing noble about hounding someone or aggressively persisting on your way after they’ve given you their answer. Persisting after your partner has expressed no desire to go along with your idea is a sign that you are attempting to coerce them into something their either not comfortable with, or not interested in.
Expecting them to want it
There are few more toxic sexual relationship beliefs out there than expecting your partner to want the same sex as you, at the same rate. This can occur when we play up to gender stereotypes and societal expectations, but it puts us at odds with our partners and our own sexual patterns and needs. When it comes to sex, we all go through ages and phased. Respect that and don’t make assumptions where passion and intimacy are concerned.
How to cultivate intimate equality in our relationships.
We can cultivate more equal and open sexual relationships, but it requires us to become committed to something greater than our own gratification. Stop pressuring your partner and create an environment of openness through communication, respect, and a focus on mutual fulfillment. With these techniques we can dramatically improve the way we connect sexually.
1. Start talking about sex openly
Communication is a key part of any relationship, but it becomes especially critical where sexual intimacy is involved. In order to be truly in-sync with our partners in the bedroom, we have to express what we want and what we need to one another. This doesn’t happen through osmosis. It happens through frank and honest communication.
Sit down and starting having (one of many) honest discussions with one another about what you want and need sexually. Be specific and use details where you can. Don’t be shy about what you want and don’t be shy about what you enjoy either.
Share desires, but also share any expectations that you might have when it comes to sex in a romantic relationship. Don’t stop there, though. Understand that — just as you have different desires and expectations — your partner has the same thing and is entitled to them no matter how drastically they might differ from yours. Create a safe and welcoming space where you can both open up to one another in deeper and more authentic ways.
2. Practice sex positivity
Practicing sex positivity can go a long way in changing the way both you and your partner see intimacy within your relationship. To put it shortly, sex positivity is activity cultivating more positive or constructive and respectful ideas around sex and sexuality. As a couple, exploring this might mean being more open with one another, but it also means educating ourselves in order to be better partners in and out of the bedroom.
Educate yourselves and figure out what you really like or what you’re really interested in. Learn more about what sex means to you, and find out what sex means from your partner’s point of view too. See sex as a building block, and drop any ideas on using as a means to control, force connection, or correct fundamental flaws in your relationship.
Remember, though: sex positivity is a two-way street. It doesn’t mean making your partner feel positive about what you want from sex. It means learning to see sex (and things like consent and respect) in an entirely new light. Intimacy is not something that is owed to us. Nor is it something which can morally be pried from our partners in any sort of coercion. It’s something that happens naturally between two people who desire to connect on a deeper level for whatever agreed upon reason. Keep your priorities in sight and always maintain a boundary of respect.
3. Be committed to mutual gratification
If you want to stop making your partner feel as though they’re pressured into pleasing you intimately, then start getting focused on mutual gratification. More often than not, a one-sided sexual relationship is the result of a partner who’s come to see only their needs as being important. Drop this idea and start valuing your partner’s sexual gratification as highly as you value your own.
Stop looking after your needs alone and start thinking about your partner’s needs too. Ask them questions. Find out what they’re interested in and what they want more of (or less of) in the sexual relationship you’re sharing now.
Encourage them to be candid and make it clear that no idea is too “out there” to be voiced and listened to. Express your desire to create an intimacy that is open, honest and fulfilling for you both. The more you commit to making your sexual life about both partners, the sooner you will find yourself with a partner who is more willing and happy to share that experience. After all, we all prefer to give to those who don’t make demands.
4. Mix it up and sample
A great way for both of you to get more comfortable with one another intimately is to explore new sexual grounds. When you venture out into the waters of experimentation, you give yourselves an even playing field and the opportunity to create new experiences together. Trying something new, you’re both beginners and both unsure. There’s a great equilibrium in that, and a greater freedom (and comfort) to express yourself when things get uncomfortable.
Find a middle ground by looking for other ways that you could meet one another in the middle where your desires and fantasies are concerned. Branch out and look for things that have interested you — or things that might align with some mutual fantasies.
There’s no right or wrong way to go about experimentation, the only “incorrect” thing you can do is to stop communicating. Don’t fall into the trap of pushing one another one into bigger and scarier things. Make a commitment before you start looking outward that you will stop and reassess regularly and together. Our intimate lives are only as good as we make them together, and that takes honesty and openness.
5. Get proactive about physical affection
Physical affection is a great way to come together intimately while still creating a safe and pressure-free environment. Subtle physical affection alerts our partners to the fact that we desire them, but it does so in a safe way that gives them more power and the ability to safely initiate or decline the offer. These little displays of affection can also communicate care, compassion, and a desire to connect — without the expectation of sex instantly.
Don’t just show your partner physical affection when you want a sexual favor from them. Instead, make them feel safe, comforted and wanted by maintaining gentle physical affection around the clock. You don’t have to be ready to go to the bedroom to let someone know you still appreciate them, and you don’t have to violate their space or comfort levels either.
A hug or even a simple touch of the hand can be incredibly intimate to some people, and enough to let them know that they are intimately safe without feeling as though it has to be a give-in to sex. The more attractive they feel to you (sans pressure) the more likely they’ll be to approach you with desires of their own. Think of it like the long game. We can be intimate without being sexual, and we can do it physically as a compromise. Be slow. Be subtle. Be gentle and consider your intentions.
6. Find the boundary lines; don’t cross them
Boundary lines are the foundation of any happy relationship, and they benefit our own personal growth and security as well. These limits are the points at which comfort becomes discomfort, and enjoyment becomes displeasure. We use our boundaries to dictate everything from how our friendships are balanced, to the types of careers we choose — and these limits comes down to the bedroom too. Find where the sexual boundary lines lie in your relationship and don’t cross them.
After taking some time to honestly communicate and explore your sexual limits and desires, share your boundary lines with one another and make a mutual commitment to respect them no matter what. There’s really no grey area here.
Once you are made aware of a limit expressed by your partner, it’s your responsibility to respect it. Your desires, and the things you think you want, are no longer of consequence when it comes to someone else’s “no-go” limits. Be respectful to your partner, and have a little self-respect, by not pretending that you don’t know where the line lies. Boundaries shouldn’t have to be communicated time and time again. Lay them out once, then respect one another on both sides of the fence.
Putting it all together…
Sexual intimacy is a nuanced topic, and one that can get complicated for many couples. What we want from sex and what our partners want intimately can be tricky to navigate. It’s all about communicating and finding the middle ground, but that takes fessing up to our own desires and mistakes — as well as the pressure we might be putting on our partners to perform sexually outside of their comfort zone.
Begin by talking about sex openly and honestly in your relationship. Be specific and use details where you can. Don’t be shy and leave plenty of comfortable space for your partner to express their own interests. Be sex positive and educate yourselves, so that you can get more focused on creating a bedroom practice that’s more mutually satisfying to everyone involved. Sex isn’t a hard thing to get right together, as most of us are just happy to have it. So stop acting like you’re re-enacting the Scarlet Letter and be open with your partner. Mix it up. Try new things. Express what you like and what you don’t like at the moment, not after the fact. You can also get proactive about gentle physical affection outside of the bedroom; small actions that say “I’m here when you want me.” Work together to establish boundary lines that work, then mutually commit to respecting them and keeping them always in sight. When we come together in these ways, we can build massively gratifying sexual relationships that improve the way we connect to one another.
