The different stages of gaslighting
Does it feel like your relationship is driving you over the edge? Don’t ignore these 7 stages of gaslighting.
by: E.B. Johnson
When we fall prey to gaslighters, the trap doesn’t snap on us overnight. It’s a slow burn, and one that drives us right into the heart of upset and insecurity. Have you fallen prey to gaslighter? Have they tricked their way into your heart (or your bed)? It’s important that you wake up to their tricks and become aware of the ways in which they pull you down into heartbreak.
Gaslighters hide in the open.
While we like to think of the gaslighter as a rare monster that lurks on the fringes of our society — nothing could be further from the truth. These manipulators are everywhere in our lives, and the effects of their behavior take a serious toll on our happiness. They are our parents, our friends, and even our partners. They exist within every facet of our lives, and it’s important that we wake up to their toxic behavior before it’s too late.
Gaslighters aren’t subtle. Their deceit lives out in the open.
Is your partner gaslighting you? Have you become intolerably anxious or unstable in your relationship? Do you feel like everything is your fault, or as though you’re too sensitive? These can all be signs and symptoms of gaslighting, but the only real way to know is to honestly analyze the behavior of our partners. If they consistently work to fill you with blame or rip you apart — be careful. They could be attempting to manipulate you right into heartbreak and upset.
The 7 stages of gaslighting in relationships.
Generally, there are 7 stages our relationships dissolve through when it comes to gaslighting. First, the manipulator needs to lay the groundwork, and then they need to reinforce a state of fear and self-doubt. The better we understand these stages, the better equipped we will be to protect ourselves and decide on the course of our futures.
Laying the groundwork
The professional gaslighter is not one who jumps into their destructive behavior overnight. In general, these are very smart people who know they have to prep the ground before they dig in and plant their roots. This starts with a series of lies and exaggeration. In order to alienate you from your self-confidence, they have to create a narrative in which you are unstable or unreliable. Little-by-little they create the idea that you are a flawed person; a narrative they will use against you later on.
Root and repeat
The purpose of the gaslighter’s campaign is to assume control over the relationship, make no mistake. In order to do that, they need to set down some roots, but that takes time and preparation. So, they move into stage 2. Once they’ve created their seeds of self-doubt; they prep the ground to sew them. To do this, they repeat the lies and exaggeration in greater intensity and with greater frequency until you are lost in confusion about the validity of your own emotions and experiences.
Escalating the build up
This is the point at which the gaslighter employs more of their manipulative tactics. By this third stage, you become more aware of their poor behavior and how it’s impacting you. Rather than fessing up to their lies and manipulation, though, this is when the gaslighter escalates their game. They will create bigger lies, deny situations altogether, and even turn the blame around to make you look like the bad guy. The more you fight, the more fuel you give them.
Work angles exhaustingly
There’s no fine science to gaslighting. It’s not done strictly by evil geniuses or narcissists. Quite the contrary. Totally average people use gaslighting all the time. It has a lot more to do with consistency than anything else. In order to maintain their campaign, the gaslighter has to wear you down and separate you from yourself. They work their angles exhaustingly, never missing an opportunity to shift the blame to you whenever you call them out or question their intentions. Once you’re tired of fighting them, you become easier to control and easier to separate from your sense of self.
Establish co-dependency
Relationships filled with gaslighting are defined by their insecurity and anxiety. The gaslighter keeps you constantly in a state of doubt. You start to doubt what you think, how you feel, and even what you experienced. This lends itself to creating codependency within the relationship. As you doubt yourself more and more, you come to rely on your partner’s perspective and what they tell you reality is. It’s a toxic way to live and completely alienating from self.
Set up false hope
Gaslighters are not foolish. Even if they are not completely aware of their behavior, they are aware of the results it can bring them. They know too, though, that there’s always a line. It’s like pushing a car too hard. Eventually, it runs out of fuel or the engine will overheat. You’re no good to the gaslighter if you can’t be manipulated, so they use superficial kindness and false remorse to bring you even deeper under their control. Seeing their kindness, you begin to think that you were mistaken about their poor behavior. But this is a deadly mistake to make.
Dominate and overwhelm
The final stage of the gaslighter’s siege. This is when your partner assumes control over the relationship by backing you into a corner. You’re powerless at this final stage. You believe in the lies that they’re telling you, and you’ve internalized the idea that you’re inferior to them in many ways. They keep you in a constant state of insecurity and fear at this point, and this allows them to dominate you and overwhelm you in any way that suits their purposes.
How to protect your wellbeing.
Recognizing our descent into gaslighting is only useful if we then use it to empower ourselves. You have to take action to protect your wellbeing from your manipulator’s abuses. To do that, though, you need to first be clear on the specifics and focus on building up enough confidence to do what needs to be done.
1. Get clear on the specifics
Before you take any action or make any bold claims, it’s important that you take space to process and question where we’re at. Turbulent relationships are hard to make sense of. Not only are we dealing with our emotions and experiences — we’re dealing with those of our partner, too. We have to be sure we have a clear handle on things so we can effectively make a plan that works for our specific experience.
Is your experience really gaslighting? Are you engaging in any toxic behavior that could be feeding into the place you find yourself? You need to question where you’re at and get a clear picture of everything that’s going on. Once you’ve cleared yourself, focus in on the specifics of your partner’s behavior.
Get a journal and start keeping a record of your partner’s manipulations. Write down every encounter that makes you feel anxious, insecure, or otherwise unstable in your partner and the life that you’re building. Look for the patterns. Record how you feel after the encounters and what is said during them. Be brutally honest. The clearer you are in keeping a record, the clearer their manipulations will become.
2. Focus on self-confidence
Gaslighters are most successful because they can separate us from our sense of self-worth. They tear us down and rip our dreams to shred, all in an attempt to lower our self-esteem enough to make us pliable. That’s why one of the best ways to battle a gaslighter is by building up your worth. When you love yourself, you become less willing to settle for their lies and manipulations.
The gaslighter wants to separate you from your self-esteem. They need to in order to receive. Don’t let them. Now is the moment to stand up for yourself, and the only way you’ll find the strength to do that is by re-establishing your love and respect for self.
Rebuild your self-confidence from the ground up. Aside from your partner, focus on falling in love with your mind, your spirit, and your body. Celebrate your skills, your strengths, and all the ways in which you are great. Fall in love with your body. Love your curves and love the power that they provide you to move in this world. Believing in yourself and your happiness is an armor that the gaslighter in your life can’t penetrate. Loving who you are prevents you from separating you from yourself.
3. Build a support system
Support systems are key when it comes to making big changes within our relationship. We need their motivation and their perspective when things get challenging. As we lose our sense of self, we can anchor to the people who know us best; the people who genuinely want the best for us (unselfishly). If you’re dealing with a gaslighter, you need this support system to reconnect with reality and to remind yourself of your strengths.
Lean into your support system and reach out to them for help. Tell them how you’re feeling and explain what’s going on. Their perspective and advice can be so invaluable if you’re struggling to make sense of your feelings or the warped connections between you and your partner.
When the confusion sets in, reach out to your support system. Ask them for their point-of-view and apply any advice you believe fits your situation. Open up to people that you trust, and (preferably) people who aren’t connected socially to your partner. It’s not a bad idea to enlist the help of a mental health professional, either. As they can help you develop an effective plan of action that can help you stand up for yourself and your boundaries.
4. Set boundaries for yourself
Boundaries are the backbone of every successful relationship, but they don’t exist to the gaslighter. These manipulators are effective because of their ability to push you further and further over the line. In order to protect yourself from them, you’re going to have to draw a line and then protect that line. You deserve to be happy, but when it comes to the gaslighter you’re going to have to stand up for yourself to get it.
Set boundaries first for yourself and then for your partner. You need to draw a line between your happiness and the behavior you will and will not tolerate. Don’t allow yourself to slip into the groveling or the questioning. Stay strong and draw the boundary lines that protect your wellbeing.
Next, set boundaries for your partner. We don’t have to allow others to treat us however they want. While they certainly have a right to behave in any manner they want, you’re not obligated to put up with it. That’s because you also have a right to whatever kind of peaceful behavior you want in your environment. Tell your partner (in no uncertain terms) what you will and won’t allow any longer. Then give them a chance to correct. If they can’t respect you, it’s time to get more serious.
5. Figure out a long-term plan
At the end of the day, you’re going to have to make some serious choices about your relationship. We are not able to change others or how they treat us. While you can certainly explain how you feel and ask your partner to change, they’re not obligated to oblige. That’s when it becomes up to you to make some serious choices. Is this the relationship that you? Is this the future that you planned? Be honest and figure out what your long-term goals are going to be.
You have to accept that your gaslighter may never change. You can’t make them change. No matter how much you beg and plead, you don’t have the power to correct who they are on the inside. Only they can do that.
So you need to figure out a long-term plan. Is your partner making attempts to correct their behavior? Are they listening to you? Making room for you? Have they stopped shifting their blame? Have they started being accountable for their actions? If the answer is no, then you need to come up with a long-term plan. Accept how you’re feeling and then look to your ideal future. You can have that future, but you need to take action and be honest. Move slowly and in-line with your integrity.
Putting it all together…
Are you in a relationship with a gaslighter? Do you regularly feel as though you’re going crazy, or being maddened with doubt? Our relationships generally go through 7 stages as they fall into the grips of gaslighting. Have you found yourself in the middle of an increasingly manipulative relationship? You have to take action in order to protect your wellbeing.
Get clear on the specifics of your situation. Is it really gaslighting? What toll is it taking on you and your relationship? Focus on re-building your self-confidence so that you can see things as they really are. A gaslighter will warp reality around you. The more you believe in yourself, the easier it will become to see them for who they are. Build up a support system and don’t be afraid to open up to others or ask for help. You can even reach out to a mental health or relationships expert to help you craft a plan. Set boundaries for yourself and your partner, and stick up for them whenever you can. You draw the line around your happiness, and you are (likewise) responsible for protecting it. Figure out a long-term plan and address your issues for what they really are. Is this the behavior you’re willing to settle for in a partner, or is time for things to change? Pick an answer that equals long-term joy.
- Stark, C., 2019. Gaslighting, Misogyny, and Psychological Oppression. The Monist, 102(2), pp.221–235.
