How to have healthier arguments

Not all conflicts have to end in explosions and heartbreak. This is how to have more enlightened arguments.

by: E.B. Johnson

While we like to think of relationships as all sunshine and picket fences, nothing could be further from the truth. Even the healthiest relationships face conflict from time to time. What truly defines these partnerships is how both people come together to address those moments of dysfunction. There is a right way and a wrong way to argue. Once we understand that, we unlock even deeper and more meaningful communication in our relationships.

Arguing with our partners isn’t about insulting, gaining an upper hand, or “winning” at some perceived competition. It’s about opening up when we have issues and learning how to communicate more effectively with one another. Too often, we’re looking to complain instead of looking to listen. Fighting with our partner isn’t a one-sided affair. We have to learn how to share dialogue and share our feelings, but only once we’ve had enough time to process those emotions for ourselves.

Conflict is a necessary part of growth.

Conflict and arguments — whether we like it or not — is a necessary part of growth when it comes to relationships. Melding your life with someone else is a process that takes a lot of time and a bit of compromise. Within this, it’s only natural to feel growing pains, and it’s only natural to find conflicting elements of self and needs. More often than not, however, we often resort to toxic or unhealthy patterns when it comes to fighting with our partners. If we want to build relationships, we can be proud of, we have to find healthier ways to argue.

Growth, by definition, means to expand outside of previous bounds or positions. When a child grows, their limbs lengthen and their features change. So too does the way in which they see and process the world on a number of levels. Sometimes, this growth results in aches and pains; emotional outbursts brought on by flashes of a future and new and uncommfortable changes.The same could be said of our relationships.

As we grow and change as people, so do the things we want and need from our relationships. In order to grow together, we have to undergo this process of expanding our bounds and intertwining our lives. It’s a process that can be painful at times and full of disagreements, but beautiful too. When we learn how to handle this uncomfortable moments of growth with logic, compassion and understanding, we are able to see one another on a genuinely deep level. This happens through communication, commitment, and above all realizing that you truly are in this life together.

The toxic ways we argue with the people we love.

There are so many behaviors when it comes to our toxic systems of arguments and disagreements. Some might revert into themselves when the going gets tough with their partners, while others find themselves going over-the-top into emotional fits. In order to overcome these poor behaviors, we first have to identify them and own them in our lives and relationships.

Reaction before thought

Perhaps the most common toxic conflict habit is that of reacting before thinking. When it comes to emotions, we are often inspired to lash out before looking inward. The problem here, however, is that it doesn’t fully give us time to analyze our situations. Perhaps our partner didn’t mean to offend us, or we took something out of context. By thinking through the situation before engaging in a disagreement, we can often decide if the disagreement is worth having at all.

Involving outside parties

One of the worst things can do when it comes to an argument with your partner or spouse is to involve outside parties. With the exception of abusive and dangerous situations, most conflicts within a relationship should be resolvable by only the parties involved. Bringing in parents, siblings and cousins when they aren’t needed only muddies up the waters. It’s also manipulative and often used as a means to deflect personal responsibility while also exerting control.

Refusing to listen

Are you (or your partner) the kind of person who waits to speak, rather than taking time to listen? Active listening is a crucial part of communicating with our partners, and it’s even more crucial when it comes to navigating disagreements. It’s not all about one person airing grievances. When it comes to conflict, we have to see it as a cooperative event that sees both sides working together to find compassionate resolutions.

Choosing words carelessly

Hitting below the belt is never okay, no matter what the other person has done. When you resort to this tactic, you undermine the validity of your own point, while also alienating the other person and making them less likely to listen compassionately (or compromise). A careless of choice of words can also lead to increased misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and another of other escalating complications that move you further away from solutions.

Dwelling in the past

We cannot dwell in the past if we ever hope to move our relationships into the future. When your partner crosses the line or hurts your feelings, the time to deal with it is in the present moment…not three months later, the next time there’s a blowup. Bringing up old hurts (especially when they’ve already been dealt with) creates the idea that nothing will ever be good enough. This pushes your partner away and forces them to believe you can’t see the good in them.

Constant comparisons

Do you constantly compare your partner or your relationship to those of other people? When things get challenging, do you tell your partner things like, “I wish you did what so-and-so’s husband did…” or “In my friend’s relationship…”? These constant comparisons are challenging, and they are also toxic. Like dwelling in the past, they create the idea that nothing is good enough for you; but it can also create the sense that they’re unwanted in general.

Drawing battle lines

Conflict has a funny way of putting us in a victor’s mindset. We look at the brewing argument and often become determined to “win” at any cost. Our thinking becomes more extreme and Draconian, and we begin to see the discussion as this or that; them or me. Everything is made into a battlefield, and you are the one who draws where the lines lie.

Complaints over solutions

When you fight, what is the ultimate goal? Are you looking for an apology? Or do you want the other person to understand what they did wrong? When we’re more focused on lodging our complaints (than we are over identifying solutions to overcome them) we end up barraging the other person with negativity — while leaving no room for constructive explanations or compassion. Rather than prioritizing our complaints, we should prioritize working up the answers we need to avoid a similar disagreement in the future.

One-sided perspective

Perhaps one of the most toxic conflict habits we can adopt is a one-sided point of view. This occurs when you take over an argument and make it all about yourself and the way you experience things. You don’t leave any room for another person’s reality, and with that you generally lose your tendency to rely on empathy and compassion. Everything becomes what you say, when you say it, and you refuse to accept anyone else’s answers.

Absolutist dialogue

Look for absolutist dialogue when you’re looking to your tricky or problematic argument patterns. Absolutist dialogue includes words like “always” and “never”. It implies that your truth is absolute, and that there are no deviations or variables outside of it. For example, you might say “you always do this, but you never do that,” in an attempt to shame your partner into different behavior. The problem here, however, is that we usually mean “you don’t do this as much as I would like,” which can aggravate and undermine the other person.

How to have healthier and more effective arguments.

Stop giving in to the petty behavior and the juvenile tactics. Start having important disagreements the right way by thinking before you react, dropping the escalation, avoiding a victor mindset, and by questioning the other person more than you accuse them. When we work together, these arguments become an important chance to grow together.

1. Think before you react

The first problem most of us encounter when it comes to arguing with a partner or spouse is falling right into an emotional reaction. When we’re upset, it can be hard to think clearly or hard to pull away. Our emotions are very powerful, and they quickly move us into action when they perceive we are in some type of mental or emotional hardship. In order to overcome this tendency, we have to learn to think and process before we react and engage in conflict.

If your partner crosses the line, or you feel yourself getting upset and emotional, take a step back and take some time to process how you feel. Don’t say anything. Most conflict — when we really break it down and look at it — isn’t that urgent. If neither party is in physical danger, hold your hands up, walk away, and count to 10.

Process how you’re feeling and question how those emotions are impacting you. Look at your partner’s behavior. What precisely is it about their actions that have offended you? Does it have anything to do with deep-rooted issues in your past? Really question yourself. Then look at the reality of your situation. What do you want confronting your partner to achieve? Do you want them to apologize, or do you want to come to a deeper understanding of one another’s needs?

2. Avoid escalation

Although we might try to walk away and count to 10, that’s not always possible in the heat of the moment. In those times when you can’t walk away, it’s crucial that you figure out how to utilize that tactic of de-escalation. De-escalating a situation requires us to stay calm, but also requires that we remain focused and grounded in our integrity and our commitment to one another. Don’t slip into the low-blows and raised voices. Avoid escalation and keep it respectful, civil, and compassionate.

Drop your need to use insults, character assassinations, or petty and irrelevant points of view that only stoke an emotional response in your partner. These things serve no purpose save to undermine our partners and invalidate the (potentially) valid points we’re trying to make.

Think of it like adding an extra 2 cups of water to a recipe that calls for 1. Not only are these tactics unnecessary — they do more harm than good. What might have started as a simple issue about doing the dishes becomes a major conflict centered around respect when you throw out accusations or engage in name calling. Once we master the art of avoiding these escalations, however, we can speak to one another maturely and respectfully.

3. Drop the victor mentality

When you’re fighting with a partner, it can be easy to fall into the “win-lose” mentality trap. You each find yourselves on different sides of a battle line and that creates the idea of competition and even the need to “win” or be proven right over your partner. While you might be the victim of a genuine wrong, this victor mentality is never healthy for a relationship. Do you want to win more than you want to find solutions? When you do, the divides become greater.

Drop your compulsive need to be “right”. When it comes to conflict, what you need are answers and resolutions. There’s no winning or losing when it comes to our partnerships. We’re either on the same team or there’s little point. Working against one another only drives to push you further away from one another.

Rather than obsessing over who is right or wrong, look at what is going wrong and then look for proactive ways to fix it. Address your issues from a detached, third-party point of view and realize that this isn’t a competition. You and your partner are teammates who should be working to move toward the same goal line. If you need to identify a win, look for the win that both of you can achieve together by laying out your issues like rational, loving adults.

4. Ask more than you accuse

When you and your partner disagree with one another, how does the argument take shape? Do you ask them a lot of questions about their behavior? Or do you point your finger and make declarative statements of hurt? While accusations might be founded, they aren’t effective. Instead of pointing your finger, you both need to start utilizing questions.

Once you’ve rid yourself of your need to “win” seek to understand one another above anything else. This happens not through telling the other person what to do, or listening to their declarative advice — it happens through asking one another questions until we can see things from one another’s points of view.

If your partner has hurt you, question their behavior. Share how you feel, but do so from a detached and non-blaming point of view. After your feelings are out in the open question how those feelings came to be (and understand that you might have to answer a few questions of your own). Ask if they understand what the impact of their choices are and ask questions that allow you to better understand their logic. When you ask more than you accuse, you can be more compassionate with one another.

5. Keep your integrity in sight

No matter how well we might train ourselves to handle conflict and arguments in our relationships, there still come moments when emotions run high and pain runs deep. When all else fails, we just have to remember to keep our integrity in sight. Arguments — even if they result in the ending of a partnership — is just a moment in time. You will continue living past that moment, but you will forever have to look back at it. Who do you want to remember yourself as in that moment? That’s where integrity comes into play.

Even in the most heated moments of conflict, keep your integrity and your values in sight. Don’t say or do things that will hurt your heart later on down the line. Don’t lash out or engage in behavior that you don’t want to have to remember or explain with embarrassment in 10 years.

Hold tight to your values. Be the same person in an argument with your partner as you would be in a confrontation with a parent or a grandparent that you love and respect. If you feel backed into a corner, or you feel like you’re losing perspective, refer right back to those core parts of self that guide you morally. Commit only to actions and behaviors you can stand beside later on and always seek to utilize the most compassion and understanding that you can.

Putting it all together…

Conflicts and arguments can be a great thing for our relationships when we allow them to be. Learning how to disagree in a healthy manner is one of the greatest skills we can master. This requires self-reflection though, as well as removing your ego and any need to “win” or “prove a point” with your partner.

Think before you react and never lash out at your loved one before you’ve had time to confront your own feelings. Questions where your emotions are coming from, and question too what results you hope to get from a confrontation. If you still find the argument worthwhile, speak to your partner candidly but avoid escalating tactics like blame-gaming, name calling, or other belittlement. Keep it mature and keep it respectful. Arguments are healthy, because they help us work out our differences and grow together. Stop seeing it as “winning” or “losing” and shed any victor mentality you might be harboring. You don’t need to get the upper hand on someone you love. You need to ask them rather than accuse them and focus on solutions rather than your complaints. When all else fails, stick to your integrity and your values. When you look back on this argument in 10 years, who do you want to be? You’re the only one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions.