The best ways to prevent conflict while self-isolating
We’re sheltered in place, but not always in peace. Find out how to avoid conflict while you, your partner and your family bunker-down.
by: E.B. Johnson
Whether you live in Italy or California, you’re familiar with the current state of the world and the new reality of day-to-day living. We’re facing lockdowns, quarantines, and a number of other restrictive measures that are making it harder than ever to stay calm, connected and focused on the future. Stuck indoors with our loved ones, conflict can be at an all-time high as well. It’s important, however, that we learn how to avoid the skirmish that add nothing to our overarching goals.
You’ve got to take a brutal and honest look at how you’re feeling, as well as the reality of your confrontation and the value it adds (or detracts) from your life. The bonds we share with our partners and our families are important, and they can be greatly built upon using healthy confrontation. Not all conflict is created equal, however, it’s up to us to know the difference. Cultivate the understanding you need to avoid needless conflict by focusing on the reality of how you’re feeling and what you want.
Conflict as a part of healthy communication.
Conflict and confrontation is a necessary part of communication, and even more valuable when it comes to our romantic relationships and our family bonds as well. When we butt heads with people who matter, we discover differences that can serve as growing points or meaningful opportuntiies to shift our perspectives. In general, we should embrace healthy conflict as a part of a healthy relationship. Can the same be said, however, when we’re stuck together in close confines?
Around the world, communities are in lockdown and families are bunkered together in their homes and apartments. With employers closed or moving remote, and stringent restrictions in place, we’re spending more time together than ever and that can mean irritations at an all-time high and an increase in conflict.
Before you allow the current circumstances of the world to destroy your closest relationships, it’s important to get real about confrontation and what can and can’t be avoided. Not every conflict adds value to our day-to-day experience, and some conflict actually goes a long way to erode our partnerships, friendships or bonds as a whole. Whether you’re dealing with a partner, a family member or just a close friend — it’s critical that we learn how to avoid conflict while dealing with quarantine and self-isolation.
Why conflict increases when we’re stuck indoors.
Think you and your loved ones are butting heads more than you usually would? That’s not a coincidence. There are actually some pretty solid reasons behind. The more time we spend with others, unable to decompress or get space when we’re feeling anxious or claustrophobic, the easier it is to get on-edge or irritated. The harder we work to understand these patterns, the easier they become to overcome.
Easy targets
Fighting with our partners, our parents or even our siblings is low-hanging fruit when it comes to being stuck indoors. Finding yourself on-edge, you might burn quickly through the normal entertainment that otherwise occupied you. With nothing to do, your patience can run thin and your mind can start looking for other opportunities to de-stress itself or otherwise distract you from the constant panic. Conflict and confrontation is one way to do that; an easy target in a high-pressure situation.
Hurt feelings
It’s so much easier to hurt one another’s feelings when we’re all stuck together or feeling on-edge. If someone irritates you, it’s easier to lash out than to walk away and think about the complex reasons you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed or otherwise anxious and angry. Are you really mad at the person sitting next to you? Or do their comments just offer a golden opportunity to blow off steam about all the fear and uncertainty you’re feeling? It can be hard to tell the difference when you’re feeling boxed-in.
On-edge irritations
The irritations can really seem limitless when you’re dealing with a quarantine or lockdown situation. Though we often complain about the responsibilities we hold outside our homes and family units, they also provide opportunities for us to decompress from the stress and irritations we experience at home. Without that outside sounding board or support network, you can find yourself handling a shorter fuse than usual.
The downside of fighting when we’re self-isolating.
Stumbling into one confrontation after another can take a serious toll on our relationships over time. The longer we allow conflict to build the more it erodes our sense of connection and our sense of intimacy. Communication begins to buckle and misunderstandings abound. If you want to preserve the happiest of your closest connections during this challenging times, you have to understand the impact that constant conflict has one our relationships.
Eroded intimacy and bonds
Constant fighting, conflict, or other irritations can lead to a slow erosion of intimacy and a breaking down of the important bonds that help us overcome adversity and challenges as a unit. When we spend our time fighting, we don’t spend our time trusting one another, opening up or otherwise communicating in a way that encourages joy and growth. It’s critical that we learn how to take step back and look at it from a removed place, so that we can evaluate whether or not the fallout is worth the damage it causes.
Increased misunderstandings
Spending a lot of time getting on one another’s nerves? Then odds are you’re dealing with increased misunderstandings or a breakdown in communication. We’re more sensitive when we’re on edge, and when we’re spending a lot of time in our feelings we aren’t necessarily spending a lot of time in reality. Though our feelings provide an important jumping-off point, they’re largely based in exaggerations. When we spend too much time being annoyed, we stop listening to our partner and we start hearing things that hurt our feelings or sense of pride.
No one’s listening
We’re all on edge and stuck more in our emotions at the moment than we are in our logic and our rationale. It’s not a great time to open up old wounds or have heavy conversations. We’re all distracted by the current threats thaht exist and no one is really listening to the little or nuanced issues that are more subtle. Now’s a time to keep it light and keep it focused on the things that bring you authentic and meaningful joy and memories.
Making things harder
Things are hard right now, and they don’t necessarily show any signs of getting easier. Rather than making it simpler on ourselves, we make it harder when we waste this time with endless confrontations or fights over minor irritations or issues of no-consequence. Some things aren’t worth fighting over, and most things aren’t worth taking to heart in any form. Now, more than ever, we have to learn to walk away and drop conflicts before they become a bigger, long-lasting issues.
The fights that aren't worth it when you’re self-isolating.
The big things are always worth talking through, but the small things are never worth hitting the “big red button” over. If you’re feeling like you’re about to break, these are some of the common situations that aren’t worth blowing your top over.
The little things
Minor annoyances are, well…annoying. They’re also minor, however and that often means they aren’t even worth engaging with or wasting time and energy on. Dirty laundry on the floor, getting up late or forgetting to make dinner — these are all things worth casually mentioning, but they’re hardly worth blowing up or ruining our friendships and partnerships over. If there’s bad habits happening, address them and move on.
Past grievances
The past is rarely worth mentioning or focusing on (though it is always worth remembering quitely). It is especially toxic to bring up when you’re all dealing with a crisis or general feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. If you’ve got past grievances that you feel bubbling along with your nerves, your irritations or other general aggravations, then it’s critical that you take a deeper look at why you’re feeling the way you are and focusing on things that are no longer within your control.
Social media
Social media is a double-edged sword and one that can be more toxic than it is beneficial (when not used mindfully). As humans, we lash out when we’re feeling as though we’re out of control or otherwise angst-ridden or irritated. Social media not only provides a great outlet for this, it encourages it, and can bring out the worst in our emotional states and responses. Don’t feed into the insecurities that your Facebook encourages. If you and your partner (or family) are blowing up over social media, it’s probably with “taking 10” and walking away to consider the reality of it all.
Personality piques
When we’re stuck together 24/7/365, the things we love about our significant others can become the things we hate about them. Personality piques are only normal when we’re stressed out and irritated, but they’re often superficial or brought on by deeper-seated issues that we’re not expressing or addressing appropriately. Before shooting off and ripping into your loved one for who they are as a person, it’s important to take a step back and take a second look at what it is that’s really feeding your need to lash-out.
How to avoid fighting with your partner (or your family) while you’re dealing with the lockdown.
There are a number of ways you can go about avoiding conflict while you’re on lockdown with the ones you love. Whether you just start carving out a few quiet minutes for yourself each day, or you learn how to take a step back and cool your thoughts before you leap into the deep end — avoiding conflict is a critical part of surviving the coming days and weeks of self-isolation.
1. Get down to specifics first
Running on a short-fuse isn’t a pleasant experience (for us or the people that we happen to be self-isolating with). Everything seems to get you, and the day seems to be an endless barrage of hurt feelings and little digs. It’s needless drama and it’s needless emotional torment. It’s also a two-sided street, that requires us (as much as the people around us) to resolve. If you want to start avoiding the endless fighting, you’ve got to learn how to face up to what you’re feeling in the realest of ways.
Identify what you’re experiencing and differentiate between your emotions before launching into a tirade against someone you’re stuck indoors with indefinitely. The instant you feel yourself about to blow, walk away and ask yourself some core questions like: Am I really mad at what X did? Or was I already on-edge before they even spoke to me?
Be honest about what you’re feeling and how it’s impacting both your mental and emotional state of being. Then, dig into the meat of the situation and whether the confrontation it will lead to is worth more time and more energy than you’ve already expended. Often, when we get honest about a situation we’re involved in, we realize it’s not nearly as critical as our first responses might have indicated. Don’t let your animal brain take over and call the shots. Rise above and face up to the way you’re really feeling before you confront someone you love.
2. Call for a time-out when things get hot
Confrontation is inevitable sometimes, and often we do need to make a stand for ourselves and our own wellbeing and emotional safety. In those moments where conflict is inevitable, we have to understand that time-outs are okay. Not every problem is handled in 5 minutes. Some things take time for us to process. Don’t be afraid to walk away when emotions are running high and don’t be afraid
If you feel yourself getting irritated, angry or otherwise on-edge — call a time out and let the other person know that you need 5 minutes to walk away and cool off. Make an agreement that you two will respect this request, whenever it comes, and use that to cool tensions when things are running hot.
When you’re both feeling a bit more level-headed, find an agreeable time and place to readdress the issues. Before jumping back into things make sure you’re both thinking clearly and coming from the right place of intention. Drop the blame language and don’t rush for a resolve. Let things come back together with a natural ebb and flow, and don’t work too hard to force feelings that aren’t ready to work themselves out yet.
3. Shift your state of mind
Our state of mind is a powerful thing. The kind of thoughts we hold impact our emotions, but they also impact the quality of our reactions and the type of reactions we inspire in others. When we walk around in an agitated or otherwise irritated and angry state of being, we inspire that same state of being in others and therefore more negativity in the environment around us. If we truly want to avoid the conflict that’s brewing at home, we can shift our thinking and discover a new way of looking at things.
Once you’ve made the decision to walk away from a confrontation (for a bit), find activities, pastimes or distractions that otherwise help you to unplug and decompress. Look for things you can do that allow you to detach from your irritation and lean instead into enjoyment or calm. It could be as simple as writing in a journal. Creativity is key.
By changing your mind, you change your state of being. This happens when we exercise, when we listen to music we enjoy, or even when we jump on a quick video chat with a friend or other loved one. There’s no right or wrong way to go about distracting your brain, but it is imperative that you learn how to create a barrier between you and your irritations. All of us are existing in a tense, emotional state at the moment. Extend a little understanding, and work on expanding your sense of gratitude and appreciation — rather than spreading more gloom.
4. Invest in some self-care
Self-care is a critical part of maintaining our authentic sense of happiness and fulfillment, and that hasn’t stopped just because we’re in the middle of a pandemic. If you’re feeling as though everything around you is getting on your last nerve, it might be a sign that it’s time to find some space for just you. We all need a little time to rest, relax, and recharge; especially when we’re as mentally and emotionally distraught as many of us are.
Invest in some self-care time and get creative with the way you go about it. Look for activities or opportunities to be alone, uninterrupted, with just your thoughts, your emotions and your own personal mental needs. You can meditate while you take a bubble bath (just make sure you don’t fall asleep). You can spend 5–10 minutes a day just journalling mindfully about how you’re feeling.
Self-care isn’t about going to expensive spas or taking soul-altering solo trips around the globe à la Eat, Pray, Love. It’s about regularly getting in touch with yourself and making sure that you’re meeting your own intrinsic needs. Don’t let the fear and uncertainty of what comes next keep you from taking care of yourself. Carve out time in your frantic freak-out schedule for you (just you) and don’t feel guilty or ashamed for finding a quiet island of peace in the middle of what is ultimately a shared nightmare. We have to be vigilante and careful. We don’t have to be miserable.
5.Get grounded and present
Being present in the moment is something we often take for granted. Presence has the ability to ground us and bring us back into a sense of appreciation. It also has the power to shift our perspective and the way we see the people around us. When we’re present, we aren’t shying away from our emotions or striking out, looking for a fight. Presence equals confidence and it equals learning to love the moment and the people we share those moments with.
Stop looking anxiously into the future and hyper-focusing on it to the point of distraction. Be aware of the things that are important. Make a note of them, put them where they belong — then move on to the things you can control by being present in the moment. What can you do right now to ensure tomorrow is a better day for you and your family?
Will one more news feed make it possible for you to pay your bills at the end of the month? Or, is a 5–10 minute check-in on the situation enough to keep you up-to-date? There are a lot of things that are outside of our control right now, but there are so many new opportunities that we can take advantage of. Stop looking at the future with trepidation and start engaging your optimism. Be present in the right here and now and find 3 actions you can take each day to improve how you feel.
6. Remind yourself of your love
Whether you’re stuck inside with your romantic partner or a whole gaggle of family members, the act of self-isolation is much easier when it’s done with people who love and support you. Even if they get on your nerves, having close social links during this stressful time can be highly invaluable and of great value to us when we’re seeking to find a way forward despite the unknowns.
If you want to avoid conflicts with your loved-ones while you’re locked indoors, remind yourself of your love for them and remind yourself of all the positive memories you’ve shared together. Look to that love when you’re feeling irritated or as though you’re about to explode. Compare that love against what you’re feeling. Is an explosion worth impacting the affection that you feel for one another?
When we look to our love, it is much easier to look past our aggravations. Love has a powerful way of making us consider the silver lining, and it’s also one of the primary means by which we tap into our deeper compassion and understanding. Lean into love, and lean into that deeper connection you share. Rather than looking for fights, seek reasons behind behaviors and try to consider the bigger picture or where the other person might be coming from.
Putting it all together…
We’re up against hard times, and they don’t show much sign of abating. The world over, countries are on lockdown and more and more of us are finding ourself cooped-up indoors with our partners and our families. While this can inevitably lead to conflict, it’s also possible to avoid a number of “inevitable” spats too. By being mindful of your emotions, as well as the toll the current circumstances can take on everyone around you — you can learn how to avoid nasty conflicts and maintain an air of peace and happiness in your home.
Get down to specifics and make sure you know how you’re really feeling before you confront your partner or start a fight with your family members. Sometimes, our emotions can overwhelm us or confuse our reactions. Before you lash out, make sure you’re raising the conflict alarm for the right reasons. Don’t force it all at one time. If tensions are running high, don’t be afraid to call a time-out and walk away until you’re better able to think about what oyu want to say or do. Not everything has to be handled in one big blow-out. Take a step back, count to 10, and find things that allow you to distract yourself or shift your state of mind. Some fights just aren’t worth having. Invest in some self-care and get grounded and present in the things you can actually control in the present moment. Lean into your love and remind yourself of the bonds that you share with your partner, your parents or even your siblings. We’re going through hard times, but we’ll make it through together. Avoid the conflicts that aren’t worth having and invest in better uses of your time and energy.
