Start letting go of your past if you want to control your future

Our pasts can undermine our happiness unless we learn how to let them go and start living in our truth.

by: E.B. Johnson

We all know what it feels like to be haunted by an aspect of our past. Whether you found yourself on the shores of a particularly nasty heartbreak, or you were the victim of childhood broken and bruised — living in the shadow of our pasts is a toxic way to exist, and a sure-fire way to fail when it comes to creating a happier tomorrow. If we want to find true peace in this life we have to let go of our pasts. And we have to do it before it’s too late.

Letting go of the things that follow from our pasts is a long process, and it takes a lot of internal digging and facing up to what we did wrong. Only when we make peace with all aspects of who we were, can we give ourselves the space we need to discover who we are. Let go of your past so that you can walk bravely into your future, and do it before it’s too late.

The past as a part of our future.

Many of us struggle to let go of the past. Whether it comes down to a traumatic childhood, or it’s the sum of a life buffered around by the brutality of poorly-fit romantic relationships — we all have pain and hardship which lies behind us, threatening to throw us off balance. The key to living a happy life is learning how to let go of this past, and learning how to become a fuller version of ourselves. That’s something that requires getting close to our pain, however, and even closer to new, uncertain parts of ourselves.

Our pasts are closely tied to the negative voices that reinforce some of our poorer choices in this life. When we dwell in the past (without releasing the, pain, traumas and misunderstandings that live there) we replay those heartbreaks over and over again, sticking ourselves in a loop that pulls us further and further away from where we’re trying to go.

If you feel as though you’re disconnected or detached from the present, it’s more than likely being caused by an unresolved pain from your past. By getting brutally honest about what’s going wrong, you can start getting brutally honest about what it’s going to take to make it right. That takes cultivating some self-awareness and some self-respect, however…two things that take a great deal of work and getting up-close-and-personal with the darker parts of our pain.

Why it’s so hard to let the past go.

If you can’t let go of your past — you’re not alone. It’s not always easy to say goodbye to yesterday’s version ourselves. It’s necessary, though, and it’s a process that will transform us in some truly stunning ways. Understanding is the platform by which we access that process, and that’s means knowing why it’s so hard to detach and let go.

Over-idealizing

When we insist on over-idealizing the people and the events of our past or our childhoods, it can lead to a certain attachment that is both self-defeating and unhealthy. Realism is important in this life. It is even more important when we seek to resolve the pain and the hurt that undermines our happiness. In order to overcome our tendency to over-idealize the things that were, we have to be realistic about what happened, realistic about who we are, and realistic about the part we play in letting go.

Childhood trauma

As children, we are little more than ships lost at sea — completely at the mercy of the elements and omnipotent hands that we cannot see (or understand). Often, we experience trauma on our childhood journeys, and this trauma goes on to affect the way we attach and the way we survive. When we learn that it’s not safe to trust, or not safe to be ourselves as children, we grow up to be scared and insecure adults that struggle to let go of the past.

Mis-directed self worth

Our self-worth is the cornerstone of who we are, but it can easily be bent, broken and skewed by the traumatic or painful events in our lives. Undergoing a lot of emotional hardship can force you to associate your self-worth with outward experiences and relationships, when — really — it’s a quality that can only be determined from within. We are the masters of our own self-worth, and we are the ones who have to determine and believe that we are worthy of the things we want in this life.

Fear of failure

We all experience failure at some point in our lives, but the true measure of our success if how we come back from it. When you failure to resolve the embarrassment, pain or guilt associated with not getting it right — it haunts you, and forces you to become insecure and afraid of the future you’re attempting to create. People who fear failure keep re-enacting their pasts, trying to fix something they can’t control and control something they can’t take back.

Obsession with fantasy

Along the lines of over-idealizing, viewing our pasts through the rose-tinted lenses of fantasy can cause us to get caught up on things we can’t change. Insisting on seeing things as substantially better than they were, or romanticizing things that were not, in fact, all-that-great will leave you feeling detached from the present. Separating yourself from where you are currently will only further undermine the opportunities you’re seeking and the relationships you’re seeking to build.

How clinging to the past makes us more unhappy.

Clinging to the past destroys all sense of who we are, and it prevents us from truly accessing those deeper parts of self that allow us to transform the world around us. When we refuse to let go of what was, we refuse to allow ourselves to reach our full potential. It’s a destructive pattern, and toxic too. Toxic enough to ruin our lives if we let it.

No time to think about the now

Living in the past leaves you no time to think about what’s going on right now. Our minds come with an finite amount of thinking power and a finite amount of space. If you allocate all that space to things that were, it leaves you little ability to focus on the right here and now. In order to tap into the life opportunities that makes us thrive, we have to keep ourselves grounded in the present moment and alert to the doors that are opening all around us.

Skewed perceptions

Dwelling in the past leaves us little choice but to bend and shape our perspectives in ways that aren’t necessarily healthy. The longer you allow your past to control your present, the more it skews the way you see yourself and the way you see the people that fill your life. It warps your confidence and it warps your ability to make decisions and see things for what they are. Finding our way back to the present requires being realistic and focusing on grounding ourselves in the here and now.

Stunted growth

As humans, we are always changing and becoming new versions of ourselves. Living in the past, however, obscures that journey and keeps you stuck in who you were, rather than allowing you to become the person you want to be. When our pasts are toxic, they poison our will and resilience alike. To be free — truly free — and to become the person that can accomplish our goals, we have to release ourselves from the prison of yesterday.

Missed opportunities

So many of us get so busy focusing on what was that we completely forget to look around at what’s going on right here, right now. When you’re buried in what’s behind, it’s impossible to be present and take advantage of the hundreds of tiny opportunities that life is throwing your way every day. Obsessively dwelling on relationships that failed or family members that did you wrong will only cause you to miss out on important personal and professional opportunities that might otherwise provide you a shot at joy and fulfillment.

Poorly fitted relationships

Because living in the past keeps you chained to who you were, it can also keep you chained to people who do nothing to encourage or inspire your personal growth and betterment. Likewise, when you insist on repeating history (rather than breaking free of it) you can find yourself repeating a number of toxic relationship patterns, that lead to further unhappiness and a turning away from what you really need and want. Poorly fitted relationships are a common sign we’re dwelling where we shouldn’t be, but it’s also one of the hardest to accept.

The best ways to begin letting go of the things that were.

It’s never too late to turn things around and start living in the present moment. By focusing on a few basic techniques, you can start letting go of the things that once were and find your way into a future that’s entirely of your own making.

1. Cultivate radical honesty

The first step in any journey to becoming a better version of ourselves is cultivating radical honesty. Radical honesty unlocks hidden facets of our personality and helps us come to terms with what’s going wrong and what’s going right in our lives. Though the process of opening up and coming honest with ourselves (and others) can be hard, it’s also one of the most transformative tools we can utilize in our self-realization tool kit.

Get really honest about what you’re dwelling on and why. Question your fears, and then consider what it would mean to let them go and live in the now. When we really dig deep into the core of our historical insecurities and fears, we often find that they are more irrational or unrealistic than we initially thought. Get real about what you’re feeling and get real about how it’s impacting your right now.

Don’t shy away from the ugly bits, and don’t try to make your role in where you’re at seem smaller than it is. We all choose what frequency we want to dwell at in this life. Staying stuck and chained to what was will always lead us to lower levels of vibration, and the negative patterns that force us into shapes that no longer fit. Open up. Get up close and personal with who you are — your strengths and your weaknesses — and then detach from the person that you were. Accept that person, but know that they don’t exist anymore.

2. Become more mindful

Being mindful is an invaluable skill in today’s increasingly mindless world. When we learn how to be mindful, we learn how to tap into that secret part of ourselves that opens the door to authentic self-discovery and self-acceptance. It’s the slumbering part of who we are that allows us to truly live in the moment, but it’s often the most overlooked in our overwhelmed and distracted state of being.

Create a mindfulness routine that helps you connect to both your physical and emotional self on a deep and meaningful level. This can take the form of journaling or meditation; the only thing that matters is that you get to connect with yourself privately and uninterrupted. Lean into yourself, and examine your thoughts and your feelings honestly as they come. What do they say to you? What do they say about your past?

Use this regular practice to cultivate more awareness of how you’re feeling and reacting in relation to your past in this moment. Pay attention when you start slipping into old patterns, and cultivate enough self-awareness to spot them before they become a more serious problem. Really dig into the meat of who you are, and examine (deeply) the aspects of yourself that are still being impacted by the past you can’t let go of. Over time, you’ll come to realize the beauty and strength that reside within. You’ll become more aware of just how powerful you are.

3. Incorporate more gratitude

Gratitude can be especially helpful in our journey to self-discovery, and it has transformative abilities when it comes to releasing us from the shackles of our past. When we’re grateful, we’re not dwelling in what was, we’re dwelling in what is and the possibility of futures to come. Incorporate more gratitude in your life, and you’ll find your need to live in the pressures of the past fading behind you.

Find yourself a quiet space (where you won’t be interrupted) and take a few minutes to just close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Clear your mind, then focus your attention on the things in your life that you’re grateful for. Try to think of all the things, big and small, that bring joy, happiness or fulfillment to personal and professional spheres and relationships. How do they make you feel? Let those emotions come to you and linger as they will.

Set a timer and — at the end of the process — take another 5 minutes or so to journal about the experience and how these things in your life make you feel. Whenever you’re struggling to be present in the moment, or deal with some new obstacle, refer back to the journal. Are you still thankful for those things? Are they worth overcoming these challenges for? Let them be the inspiration that navigates you through the tough times, and let them be the beacon that pulls you from the past to call you home into the present.

4. Discover new meaning

While getting present might be a stepping stone to the resolutions we’re trying desperately to find, the true healing can only set in once we have created and clearly defined the meaning we are looking for in our lives. Having meaning is having the keys to the door out of your past. Once you know what you want from life, you can open the door and walk away from the past that no logner suits you. Wonder how that super-human in your life overcomes it all? They know what their purpose is.

Meaning is little more than the thing that drives you or keeps you persevering. When you stop looking for the universe or the people around you to give you meaning, you can find it in yourself and increase your happiness by creating an experience that is authentically yours.

Seize moments every day to take hold of things that are within your power and influence. Make investments in your future by getting involved and experiencing life with your arms wide and your heart open. The only meaning in life is the meaning you create. Spend some time with yourself each and every day and use that time to pursue passions and interests that might provide insight or guide you in the direction that best suits your dreams and desires.

5. Contribute to your future

So many of us get so caught up in our pasts, the we completely neglect the work we should be putting into our futures. Ruminating on injustices, or looking for the revenge switch, doesn’t add up to the skills or connections you need to build your best life. By focusing on really getting proactive and contributing to our dreams and our environment, we actually free ourselves from the pain of the past…and we do it with our own strength and will.

Sit down and get real about what you want from your life from this point moving forward. Don’t allow your past to figure into the equation, and don’t let anyone else’s perspective shift or change what you want to do. Make an actionable lists of steps that you can take to move toward that future, and break them down into prioritized lists that advance in stages.

Commit to taking at least one small action each day, and one big action each year, to move yourself closer to those goals. With each task, imagine yourself moving away from the past and imagine yourself moving further and further away from the person you were in those days. Plant your feet in the right now, but keep your eyes pointed up to the future. We only go one direction in this life and, fortunately, it’s not backwards. Take action in your life to move away from the things that belong to yesterday. All we have is right now and tomorrow.

Putting it all together…

We all have aspects of our histories that shape who we are, but when we dwell too often in the shades of our past it can cause us to become lost in the present. In order to find our way into the happy future we’re each trying to build, we have to let go of the things that lie behind us and find our power in the present moment. Through this, we allow ourselves to live a life free of fear and insecurity…but that prospect on its own can be a daunting one.

Cultivate a culture of radical honesty in your own life, and stop hiding from the truths that can help release you from your attachment to the past. Be mindful, and work up the self-awareness that allows you to identify toxic patterns and stop them before they lead you astray in the negativity of what was. Incorporate more gratitude, and get thankful about the big and small things in your life that allow you to revel in your presence and your strength. Life is hard, but it’s not made any easier by allowing ourselves to dwell on things that can’t be changed or controlled. Establish meaning in your life, and use it to propel you forward into the action that empowers you to take charge of your future. Stop getting stuck in the past. You have the power to change your life, but it’s going to require a change in presence.