You’re about to get dumped

Don’t wait for heartbreak to come knocking on your door. Know the signs of an impending breakup.

by: E.B. Johnson

Our romantic relationships can be transformative, but this transformation sometimes happens through pain. Not every relationship succeeds. Just like rungs on a ladder, some couplings are simply the next step in the gap on our journey. When relationships breakdown, we are left raw and heartbroken — but it doesn’t have to devastate our lives. We can better navigate the pain of these relationship breakups by learning to spot the signs of impending collapse early on.

When we allow ourselves to see these red flags, we can brace our emotions and create enough personal space to cushion the blow of our pain. Breakups aren’t the end-all and be-all of our happiness. It’s possible to end things with civility and respect by taking the time you need to process your new reality. Don’t just stumble blindly into getting dumped. Embrace the signs of coming collapse and use them to form a new perspective of love and compassion.

Heartbreak is right around the corner.

We don’t always like to admit it, but heartbreak is always right around the corner when it comes to our relationships. No matter how much you love someone (or how much history you share) — no relationship is guaranteed. As humans, we are always growing and changing and, sometimes, that means changing what we want or need from our romantic partnerships. Maneuvering a breakup requires us to be honest, but it also requires us to see things for what they really are.

Though our partners are important to us, they aren’t always meant for us. Unfortunately, they are usually the ones who realize this first. Before you get dumped, it’s important to look for red flags so that can protect your psyche and the reality that you are creating for yourself.

Embrace the heartbreak. If your partner is pulling away and you know the end is near — embrace this new journey and find a way to start falling in love with yourself. Running away from the truth will not prevent the inevitable. If your partnership is failing, it’s going to fail. Put in what work you must minimize the regrets you can. Ultimately, however, know when it’s time to let go and take what steps you can to protect your mental and emotional wellbeing.

Why our relationships break down.

Our relationships aren’t always meant to be permanent. They stumble and falter just as frequently as we do, and they sometimes break down despite our most valiant efforts. This happens for a number of reasons, and it’s up to us to spot them, understand them, and then take action to correct them in the future.

Mismatched expectations

Expectations are important and they guide us toward the companions and partners that can bring us true and lasting joy. We don’t always manage those expectations to the best of our ability, however, and we don’t always communicate them the way that we should. When this happens, we find ourselves with mismatched (and disappointed) expectations that make it impossible to connect. You become disappointed in one another, and then the resentment and contempt grows. Breakups aren’t long behind.

Relationship addiction

Though you might not like to admit it, your obsession with a relationship can be precisely the reason you find your partnership crumbling. This occurs when we’re more focused on the actual relationship, rather than learning how to build a life with another person. Our relationships aren’t people. If we want them to grow, we have to nurture the person on the other side of the table and stop fixating on our fascination with being validated through a relationship alone. If you have a relationship addiction, beat it to build happier couplings.

Natural seasons

Our partnerships move through natural seasons and natural phases, and these can be both transformative and destructive. Sometimes, we are fully focused on one another and in passionate love. In other moments, we’re cold and at odds in our own relationships. Divides can also occur when we find ourselves moving through life at different speeds, or naturally coming to different crossroads that force us to come to terms with our irreconcilable differences.

Trust and insecurity

Do you find that the trust you share with your partner is beginning to erode? Or like you can’t quite find your feet or stability? Creeping insecurities can often indicate a serious issue in our relationships, and an erosion of trust can also indicate a partnership in decline. We have to trust our partners in order to be vulnerable to them. We must be vulnerable in order to build connections with one another. When one goes, the other goes, and our relationships are never far behind.

Different priorities

Our priorities have to be aligned in order to build relationships that are both stable and focused. Without the same priorities, it matters little how well we get along, or how well our personalities align. The clashes will always come when we’re met with the major decisions on lifestyle choices and ultimate direction. As couples, our goals on family and future must be similar and cohesive in order for us to stay connected and bonded toward a future of our own making.

Financial security

Money is a subject that we don’t like to equate with love, but it does play a major role in our romantic relationships. When one or both partners are struggling financially, it makes it hard to maintain peace and stability in their individual lives. This bleeds into their relationship, as the pressure eventually comes to weigh on their romance in ways that are impossible to overcome. When you don’t come into a relationship with your own resources, resentment and contempt are easily harbored in unexpected places.

Collapsing compatibility

Even if we start our relationships off as seeming soulmates, that does guarantee that we will end our relationships that way. Sometimes, people change and the things they want from a relationship changes too. This means collapsing compatibility and the realization that the people we started out with are not always the people we want to finish our race with. When things no longer fit like they used it, it usually means it’s time to move on (if you can’t get re-aligned).

The common warning signs that you’re about to be dumped.

Think your relationship has hit a wall? Afraid you’re about to be dumped? These are the warning signs to look out for, so that you can safeguard your happiness and wellbeing.

Zero communication

Communication is a fundamental part of every single romantic relationship. It determines our happiness levels with one another, and it allows us to manage our expectations and needs. Without it, we can’t stay bonded, focused, or connected, yet it’s always one of the first things to go when the relationship has run its course. If the phone calls have stopped, start asking questions. If the conversations you have start to feel awkward and forced — start to question your own place in the partnership.

That sinking feeling

Too often we get stuck up on the idea of solid evidence and forget to listen to our guts. While we most certainly need evidence before accusing someone of behavior, we certainly don’t need evidence for our intuition. Listen to your gut. If it tells you that something is off, there is a good chance your subconscious has picked up some micro-distancing that you’ve been too blinded by love to see.

Refusal to plan

A fundamental part of building better relationships is making plans with the person that we love. We should be able to picture one another in our futures, and we should want to make plans 5, 10 and even 20 years down the line. You can’t build a relationship without making plans together. That means planning, looking to one another for some sort of guidance as to the lives you want to build. And it means coming together to compromise and strategize on the action you need to take to get there. A partner who can’t plan with you is one who isn’t planning on having you around.

Criticism as a pastime

We all get aggravated sometimes and say things that we don’t mean, but it crosses the line when it becomes a regular habit. A partner who criticizes everything you do is not someone who is looking for ways to love and respect you. They are looking for problems and opportunities to make you feel inferior. Does your partner seem to always have a problem with you and the way you do things? When conflict becomes the norm and you both go to bed feeling hurt, angry or under-appreciated — it’s time to call it a day.

Mixed signals

Is your partner sending you mixed signals? Do they still pick up the phone, but avoid physical intimacy with you? Do they flake out and skip important events or dates that were important to you or your family? All of these mixed signals keep you on the hook, but at arm’s length. If your partner has started avoiding you or otherwise making you feel uncertain or unsure about your relationship, a looming breakup might be to blame.

Evaporating intimacy

Physical and emotional intimacy are an important part of any romantic relationship, and they also remain important indicators of relationship health. If your sex life has taken a nose-dive (from its normal pace), or if you find that you or your partner are emotionally missing from the partnership — it can often indicate a hard truth we aren’t yet ready to admit. Our relationships are coming to an end, but neither partner has the courage to admit it.

Emotional meltdowns

When our relationships begin to falter, it can push us to emotional extremes as we lash out and attempt to make sense of the pain that hasn’t quite been voiced yet. If your emotions are at an all-time high, and you’re fighting all the time, it can be a warning sign that you’re both fed-up with what’s going on. It might be just the push you need to take the next steps and get realistic about severing ties.

Wandering hearts, wandering minds

A partner who constantly wandering into different beds is not someone who is focusing on building up your relationship. If they’re cheating, or they’re emotionally gone from the relationship already, then you need to prepare yourself for the fact that your partnership has run its course. Zero presence too can be a sign of a partner who is checked out and ready to go, as their mind has already left the relationship far, far behind.

Sudden disrupts

Has your partner suddenly displayed dramatic changes in personality or lifestyle? Have they become a different person, or are they on a major path to transformation? When your partner begins to dramatically change (and you sense the changing planes that you’re on, or the different trajectories) it can often be a sign that your relationship is winding down. We change and we grow. It’s a natural part of becoming more fully who we are. Sometimes, this requires letting go of those who aren’t ready to make those same strides.

How to manage a relationship that’s about to end.

Don’t get blindsided by the breakup that shatters your world. You can take action now to safeguard your mental and emotional wellbeing by learning how to brace yourself, while embracing the possibility of a new and exciting future filled with love and laughter.

1. Brace yourself (as best you can)

Once you know the end is near, it’s important to take whatever steps you can to brace yourself mentally and emotionally. There is no right or wrong way to go through this process. All that is important is that you find a way to process how you’re feeling and prepare yourself for the emotional fallout to come. This may look different, depending on who you are, but it should help you find your calm and stay in touch with your empathy and logic.

Take some time to get in touch with your own feelings and use that same time to ask yourself what you really want from your life and the people you build that life with. Look at yourself, and compare who you are at the moment to who you want to be 20, 30, or 40 years from now when you cross the finish line.

Has this relationship held you back? Kept you from pursuing passions or hobbies? Look for the downsides to your relationship and consider ways in which an ending could improve your opportunities in this life. Think of all the new people you will meet, and all the new experiences you’ll get to enjoy. Consider your free time and consider the fact that you now have the opportunity to create whatever future you want. There’s great power in being single, but you have to prepare yourself for the let down first.

2. Evaluate your relationship

It’s crucial that you evaluate your relationship and start seeing things for what they truly are. A relationship that has failed does not mean we have failed. It simply means it’s time to reassess who we really are and what we really want. This requires us to take a step back and question the things that we believed provided us meaning, and it means having the courage to accept where we can make improvements.

Step back from your relationship and the emotion of it all. Ask yourself the tough questions and use those questions to build a more realistic picture of the partnership you’re in right now. What is your partner lacking? What did they fail to provide to you?

Our partnerships fail only because all parties fail in aligning their values, their desires and the things they want for their futures. We cannot build the same life with someone who wants different things. Stand back and take a brutally honest look at yourself. Is this really the person you want to give yourself too? Is this someone worth compromising yourself or denying yourself the dreams you could achieve? Only you can answer those questions.

3. Create more personal space

Personal space can be a powerful way to protect ourselves in preparation for a major breakup, and it’s one of the best ways to soften the blows of “I don’t.” We can ease into personal space and use it to reconnect with our fundamental needs and desires. Personal space is a bit like a barrier that we put up in preparation for a major storm. It’s a wall around our emotions and mental stability that protects us from the worst aspects of our own reactions.

Don’t wait for them to cut you off or cut you out. If you feel the ground beneath your relationship disintegrating, start feeling your way into some personal space. Take time for yourself and use that time to find some peace, some calm and some center. Ground yourself, be present, and focus on what comes next.

Make this time for yourself a part of your regular schedule. Use it to get back in touch with your passions and the things that make you happy. You can also use it to plan, however, and begin taking steps to protect your happiness and your lifestyle. Find a way to enjoy yourself and find a way to reconnect with your support networks and the things that provide you with courage, confidence and the knowledge that you have everything that’s needed to thrive on your own.

4. Begin falling in love with you

We get so caught up in loving other people that we often forget to love ourselves. It’s an easy mistake to make, as when you love someone you want to do everything you can to make them safe, comfortable and happy. The longer we chase the happiness of others, however, the further we are pulled from our own. If we want to weather the pain of the breakup that’s coming, we have to learn to stand on our own and fall in love with ourselves.

Be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up, or fixating on all the things you could have done differently. If they’ve truly made up their minds to end things, it’s your job to respect that decision. Soften that blow by learning how to love yourself more than you loved your relationship with them.

Zero in on your strengths and all the incredible and unique things that make you special in this world. Celebrate the victories and the strides you make — no matter how small — and start seeing yourself as powerful, capable and skilled enough to survive anything. You alone got yourself to where you are today. No one else did that. You will survive the pain of a breakup, but you have to focus on who you truly are and what you truly want from your own life first.

5. Get excited about an unfettered future

The most powerful way to overcome the heartbreak of a relationship that’s coming to the end is to get excited about an unfettered future. There is a great deal of possibility in our breakups, but that’s a scary thing to embrace when we’ve been building up a future in our mind. Rather than seeing this as an ending, you have to see it as a new beginning — and a chance to finally find the love and companionship you’ve always dreamed of.

Begin to see the hope in failed relationships, in the opportunities in the door your partner is leaving open for you. There is a finite amount of space in our lives. The more we fill that space with the people who don’t want to be there, the less room we leave for those who do want to be there beside us.

Stop fighting the inevitable and start dreaming about the opportunities. Once you’ve had time to fall in love with you, it’s time to start imagining the life you want to build. Step up and take charge of your needs. See this as the fresh start that will allow you to get back in touch with your true and authentic self. There’s a huge world out there filled with billions of people. There is someone out there who will love you precisely as you need to be loved, but you must be free to find them first.

Putting it all together…

A failing relationship is never a fun place to be, but it is better to accept our fate and prepare ourselves for an inevitable breakup — than to cling to something that is already dead in the water. Don’t run from the signs. When you see the end is near, start preparing yourself the right way by taking action for your emotional and mental wellbeing.

Brace yourself as best you can and start putting space between your current situation and your mental and emotional wellbeing. Evaluate your relationship and don’t be afraid to ask yourself the hard questions. Is this really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Do they really look like the person you always imagined yourself with? By probing, we can get to the root of what we really want and begin to see our partners and partnerships for who and what they really are. Create some personal space and use that space to get back to the center of who you want. Get back to your authentic self and fall in love with your strength, your resilience and your plethora of unique capabilities. The shutting of this door does not mean that other doors will not open. Embrace the new future that is blooming before you and see the possibility that is opening up all around you. Get excited. This new future is entirely and uniquely yours.