What your urge to cheat is trying to tell you

Constantly imagining what it might be like to stray? Here’s what your urge to cheat says about you.

by: E.B. Johnson

Despite our happy relationships, we can sometimes find ourselves confronted with the desperate desire to stray outside of our romantic commitments. This can happen as a result of deep and unaddressed issues, or it can simply come as a consequence of who we naturally are. Whatever the reason for our urges to cheat, it’s up to us to manage them and address them appropriately. There’s no excuse for consciously hurting other people, and that includes infidelity — no matter the cause.

If you’ve been confronted with the urge to cheat, you need to understand where those urges come from and then you need to focus on some basic techniques to address the urges. Honesty is key here; both with yourself and with your partner. Don’t shy away from the truth unless you’re ready for a world of heartache and disappointment. While urges might be natural, our reactions to them are conscious choices to them that we make. You have to consider your commitments and consider what you really want from them.

Most of us get the urge to cheat at some point.

Though you probably wouldn’t get them to admit it, most people in long-term relationships feel the urge to cheat on their partner at some point. These urges can happen in varying degrees of seriousness and are often no more than a brief fantasy or imagining. Sometimes, however, these urges can become problematic and result in serious stumbling blocks for relationships and the connections we share with our partners.

For some of us, the urge to cheat can come naturally. While for others, it can be a sign of deeper underlying issues that aren’t being addressed. Defining for yourself whether your urges are one or the other, however, is something that takes times and something which can only be done with true personal introspection.

Anytime you imagine yourself straying outside of your commitments, it’s important to take a step back and put yourself back into perspective. We have to question ourselves and question the things we want from our partnerships. The unexamined life is indeed one un-lived, but the unexamined relationship is one that is both stagnant and unsuitable. Don’t let your urges lead you into heartbreak. Get real about getting to root of what you want from life and love.

What your urge to cheat is trying to tell you.

The urge to stray isn’t always superficial, and it isn’t always fleeing. Like all other serious emotions and concerns, it can sometimes indicate deeper issues which deserve to be addressed — like failing to get the affection that you need, or feeling uncertain about facing up to your sexuality.

Not getting what’s needed

The primary reason that we find ourselves thinking about infidelity is because we aren’t getting what we need from our partners or our relationships. You might have buried your needs, or grown away from your partner. How it happened doesn’t really matter. What doesn’t matter is realizing that you deserve to have a relationship in which your needs are looked after and met equally as the other person’s.

Misunderstanding love

So many of us hold the wrong concepts on love, which were formed through either our early childhood experiences, or the romantic partnerships that followed. When you come to see love as a competition or the “search” for some ultimate prize, it leads you into a constant chase in which there is hardly ever time to sit still and appreciate the journey. Relationships aren’t about the chase, after all. They’re about building a life with someone who has the same long-term goals as you do.

Wrong relationship

Like it or not, our feelings can be indicators of important truths in our lives. While it’s normal to wonder what color the grass is on the other side of the fence, constant questions might be a sign it’s time to move. When we fantasize about other people, it can be a sign that we haven’t aligned ourselves with the right people in the present. The desire to cheat can be a sign that you’re building a life with the wrong person.

Unaddressed emotions

Emotions can be lovely and comforting and joyful, but they can also be scary, intense and hard to decipher. Negative emotions, like resentment contempt, have a tendency to compound and manifest in us the behaviors and patterns that keep us small, lonely and unhappy. If you’re looking to someone outside the vows of your commitment for solace, it’s often as a result of negative emotions left to fester.

Mixed-up sexuality

It is possible to feel both sexual confusion and frustration as a result of unaccepted and unaddressed issues of sexuality. You might find yourself fantasizing about someone of the same sex, or even going a bit further with a friend or someone close to you through work or other association. Although we might try to bury our true sexuality deep, deep down — it’s a part of us, and it will find a way to be known and present in our lives.

Seeking validation

Dealing with a subtle urge to stray outside of your romantic commitments? Take some time to consider the reasons behind it. When we seek validation from the outside world, or we seek to gain it through romance, we often find ourselves disappointed and jumping from one focal point to the next. The problem being that we are the only ones who can provide this sense of validation to ourselves. An intimate partner can offer us little more than encouragement and acceptance.

Lacking visibility

We need to feel seen in our relationships, and we need to feel valued for our authenticity. When we lack this plain and open visibility, it can cause us to look outward for the reassurances we aren’t providing to ourselves (or getting from home). So often we look for the love of others to conceal the insecurities and pains that we are dealing with ourselves, be that in our relationships or in other facets of our lives.

What happens if you don’t work it out.

Think these urges are harmless? Think again. The longer we leave our urge to treat unaddressed, the more damage is inflicted within our relationships and along the lines of trust and acceptance. A key to overcoming our urges is understanding them and the toll they take on our lives.

Relationship implosion

Failing to address your urge to cheat will take a dramatic toll on your relationship in a number of ways. If you act on the urge, your partner will be pushed away and all trust between the two of you will be eroded. If you fail to act, but also fail to address the issues — you risk raising emotional walls and driving an invisible wedge between yourself and your partner or spouse.

Corrupted concepts of right and wrong

If you don’t resolve your urge to cheat, then chances are you’re going to act on. This can seriously impact your concepts of right and wrong and also take a toll on your self-confidence and personal integrity. Sneaking around behind our partner’s back erodes all ideas of right or wrong, and can also reinforce a sense of entitlement that prevents happiness and honesty in future relationships.

Increased resentment

Negative feelings take a serious toll on the way we see ourselves and the way we see our partners. The longer you hold on to festering ideas of straying or looking a different way, the more you will come to resent yourself and those same thoughts. Conversely, you might also come to resent your partner, and what you see as their failure to meet your needs or live up to their side of the commitment you made to one another.

Erosion of trust

Giving in to your urges (or failing to deal with them) leads to an inevitable erosion of trust your partner will eventually sense where your feelings lie and it will cause a breach in the trust you enjoy. Likewise, you’ll come to doubt yourself and the feelings you have and the decisions that you make. This can leave you lost and even further out of touch with your needs and purpose in this life (and in your relationships).

The best ways to address our urge to cheat.

You don’t have to be ruled by your urges or the emotions that inspire them. You can get realistic about finding resolutions, and you can do it by instituting these techniques into a process of your own.

1. Take a time out

Once you’ve identified your urge to stray, it’s critical that you take a time out to get centered and re-grounded on what really matters to you. That means taking a step back and honestly analyzing things on your own. It means coming to terms with your own needs and getting a grip on the reality of the situation and what romantic partnership means to you.

Spend some time on your own and spend it in thought and reflection. Figure out what you want and what you need from your relationships and your partners. Really take time for yourself, and in this time really dig into the meat of what you need and what you expect from a romantic relationship.

Don’t rush the process and don’t rush your revelations either. Consider the full scope of your happiness now and compare it against where you want your life and relationships to be 10 or 20 years from this point. You alone have the power to control how you think, act and behave from this point moving forward. Take a time out, spend it on your own. Get in touch with your innermost thoughts and allow those to carry you forward into thee next stage.

2. Have a candid conversation

Like it or not, feeling the urge to cheat means it’s time to have a serious conversation with your partner. That doesn’t mean you have to tell them about every little fantasy, or even that you were looking elsewhere at all. It does mean, however, that you’re going to have to open up about whatever issues are leading to those urges; as well as solutions that can help you both feel more fulfilled in your partnership.

You need to open up to your partner. Even if you make the decision not to tell them about your urges, you do need to address the parts of your relationship that you feel are lacking or leaving you unhappy.

Express your needs candidly and without fear of judgement. If your partner cannot allow for this, consider the fact that the issues you have might run deeper than simple resolutions. Be frank and be open. Allow them to ask you questions and ask plenty of questions of your own. Now is the opportunity to get reacquainted and re-aligned. Use it.

3. Work together consciously

Once you’ve identified your problems, it’s time to work together consciously with your partner if that is the forward path you’ve decided to take. This means letting go of your fantasies of infidelity and getting re-invested in your relationship. You can’t just push your problems to the back and hope they resolve themselves. Now is the time to get active in the name of what you’re trying to build with the person you love.

Put energy back into your relationship instead of leaving it to stagnate on its own. Create new memories with one another and get reconnected. Ask each other questions, find ways to go on new adventures together, and figure out how to laugh again.

Start putting some effort behind your words, your intentions and your displays of affection. Don’t just say “I love you” and don’t let your partner get away with that either. Find the energy to get back into each other, or realize that it’s time to call it a day. If you’re not interested in enjoying your time together, then there’s really little point. Point out your major relationship flaws and then get proactive about fixing them.

4. Be realistic

You have to be realistic when it comes to your urges and desires. While they are often superficial, or otherwise short-living — they can also be indications of serious issues in your current relationship. Maybe you’re looking for affection you’re not getting, or someone who just believes in you a little more. Whatever the reason might be, you have a duty to address it and then take whatever action is needed to do the right thing.

If you’ve taken time for yourself and realized that your desire to cheat is coming from a desire to no longer be in your current relationship, then you need to fess up to that. Not everyone is meant for us, and not every relationship is meant to survive the test of “forever”.

Be realistic. Brutally realistic. If you’re having thoughts of infidelity because you want to leave your partner, then that is the conversation that needs to be had. Stop hiding from the truth when it’s staring you so blatantly in the face. After all, this new love interest could be the right person for you — but you’ll never know that if you don’t go about finding out the right way. Be honest with yourself and your partner if your current relationship is no longer the right fit.

5. Consider where you’re going

Alongside getting a better look at what you really want from your partner and relationships, you also need to consider fully where you’re going when it comes to infidelity. So many people act on their urge to cheat before considering what fallout might accompany such a decision. Take a step back and look at this new feeling. Where could it possibly take you? What’s the worst-case scenario, and what could you lose at the cost of your urges?

Question yourself and answer honestly. What would you gain if you were to give in to your urge to cheat? What would the benefits be? The consequences? Consider where you’re going and consider too the full extent of what happens when you get there by infidelity and dishonesty.

If you need to sit down and make a pro’s and cons list, do it — but know this: there’s no excuse for knowingly injuring your partner or violating their trust. Look at the dramatic shifts your life will make if you commit to this act of betrayal. Is the action worth the backlash? When we ask ourselves these questions, we often find that that our urges are short-burning and superficial.

6. Eliminate the temptations

No matter where your urge to cheat comes from, it’s crucial that you remove the temptations as the final step in the resolution process — especially if you’ve made the decision to reinvest in your current relationship. This means setting boundaries and limiting opportunities, so that you don’t force yourself into a corner where infidelity seems like the best option.

Eliminate the temptations and stop making it easy for your thoughts and your heart to stray. If you’ve found yourself tempted on an online platform — block the other person’s account. If you’re crushing on a co-worker, get some space and keep it to absolute necessity and civility only.

As humans, we like to proudly assume our place on top of the animal kingdom — but so often we forget that in assuming that crown we have a responsibility to master our animal urges. Listen to what your desire to cheat tells you, but know that you alone are responsible for your behavior and the actions that follow. If you want to preserve the partnership, you have in good faith, eliminate the temptations.

Putting it all together…

Most of us will feel some urge to cheat on our partners at some point in our lives, even if that urge is small, superficial and unrealistic. These fantasies, however, can often provide invaluable insight; and our connection with those outside of our relationships can be direct indicators of issues within our own. Once we understand where our urge to cheat comes from, we can address it…but we have to embrace ourselves radically and authentically for who we are.

Take a time out and focus on the things that you really want from your partnership and the life that you are building together. Be honest and ask yourself — is this person really “the one”? Once you’re clear on what you want and what you need, have a candid conversation with your partner and start unpacking the issues and the drama that you have. Work together consciously to reinvest in your partnership and get focused on making good memories with another again. If you still can’t drop the urge to chase someone new, it’s crucial that you get realistic and consider where you’re really going with that person and the life you’re building. Eliminate the temptations and start turning that desire to love and be loved inward. No one can validate you by yourself. No one can empower you to change; no one can force you to be someone that you don’t. Start taking on some personal accountability and use that honestly assess your urges and the paths they’re leading you down.