You Will Destroy Yourself Emotionally If You Are Productive
There’s a simple path that will change your wellbeing and you don’t need to be Eckhart Tolle to understand it.
“You live to old age but you no self-compassion Damian,” said Guru Balachandran Nair, at the Kalaripattu ashram in India.
No shit, I thought to myself about the second part — self-compassion. Blind Freddy could tell that by looking at me.
Super serious skinny dude with a shaved head.
I have lost count of the number of Indian gurus I have sat with over the last 27 years. You never know if they are selling you a problem, so you will buy their solution.
When they see a westerner, dollar signs light up in their eyes.
But I thought this one may be onto something by using self-compassion as a means of transformation. However, it took 23 years for the penny to drop.
Fast and the Furious
I had always thought the more you push the more you got.
Painful hardcore effort = sky-high results
I walked around with a permanent frown, looking like I was in a perpetual state of constipation. My adrenals were open for business and pumping out cortisol 24/7.
For me, the present moment, which is where life happens, was like the lost paradise city, Shangri-La.
But that didn’t mean it didn’t exist. I never got the visa for entry because I was preoccupied with the struggle to be more productive.
But you can be uber-productive, have fun and get speedy results.
Do the opposite
Mark Mason’s success comes from imparting “counterintuitive” tips.
He will take a personal development teaching to the extreme until it is mutilated. He then puts a common-sense slant on it.
If you take any lesson to an extreme and it will not be effective.
My read-on productivity was if I do a lot, then I get a lot. But that is not the case.
It’s how you relate and treat yourself that can lead to massive change and results.
It through softening. You lose your resting constipation face. You sit in your internal Shangri-La.
Do you want the benefits of self-compassion?
Give me the honey, Honey
As wankie as it sounds, I got more in touch with what was going on inside myself when I slowed down and become self-compassionate.
There is an internal pattern that plays out.
You push hard. Going hard means there is resistance. The resistance is that you are doing something you don’t want to do.
And thus you end up self-sabotaging. You have your foot planted on the accelerator and equally hard on the brake.
Understanding the secrets to unlocking self-compassion allows your whole being to be aligned. Therefore, the dominant force in your life is moving in one direction.
Cult of FIRE’ers.
There is a group of sub-droids that don’t want to work. They call themselves FIRE — Financial Independence Retire Early.
Their cult leader is Mr. Money Mustache. But the Granddaddy that lurks in the shadows is Jacob Lund Fisker. He wrote an amazing book, Early Retirement Extreme.
As part of his methodology to save money, you strip back your activities to find out what is important.
You find it doesn’t cost a lot of money to do the things you care about most.
Turns out these activities are in line with being self-compassion.
Work hard and play hard self-defeating attitude->
- Big night out on the tiles = drinks (drugs and whatever else) + food + cab rides = $150 minimum.
Self-compassion attitude->
- A hot pot night with friends = each friend that comes over for dinner brings something to eat = $10 maximum.
- Curled up on the couch watching a movie = $0.99 per movie Amazon Prime.
- Block of vegan chocolate and reading a Rayon Fisk Book = $5.00 for the chocolate and $0.00 for the book (borrowed from the library.)
- Walk with a mate, along the local bike track next to the river =$0.00
You will find self-compassion in doing those things you love doing most. They normally involve connection with others or alone time doing something you are passionate about.
Being self-compassionate will get you out of your destructive patterns and into the present moment. Which is where the action takes place to be productive.
What even is it, bro?
Self-compassion is being aware of your suffering, not to be avoiding it with too much internet shopping or watching porn.
With self-compassion, you dissolve your suffering and heal yourself with kindness.
Where are you being violent?
People don’t want to look into their dark side. But there are areas of their life where they are being hideous towards others.
Being vindictive shows up as blaming, holding onto grievances, and wanting to get even. I am right, therefore, better than you.
We hold on to the injury that was done to us. Thus, putting ourselves into the victim paradigm.
I can be vindictive (see below.) But I didn’t know this was happening until I deep-dived into self-compassion.
I like to think of myself as a peace-loving dude, but that’s not always the case. I looked into how I was being mean to others.
Light to darkness
Shine a light on the areas where vindictiveness is showing up. The following are some ways it’s maybe showing up for you:
- Isolate and withhold information
- Criticism
- Condescending
- Ending a relationship
- Cold shoulder
- Gossip
- Sarcasm
- Karma will get them
- Passive aggressive
There was an annoying “oversharer” lady at work and a young guy at work that got a promotion over me. So what did I do?
I would sometimes overhear them talking about how they would do tasks that I knew were incorrect. But instead of showing them the correct way. I would keep quiet. Pretty shitty, hey?
Where’s the (internal) hate at?
Now you got the outside sorted. What about the inside messages you are telling yourself?
- Body shaming — Are you telling yourself, “I have a fat ass.”
- Self-doubt — I need to do another course before I go for that promotion.
I never used to criticize myself with the little voice in my head. It took me years to realize it, but for me, it’s manifested in bodily sensations and movements.
I would look at the ground when around someone that I perceived as more powerful than me. Around attractive women, my body would have a full-body dork spasm. I would be super tense and rigid.
I am not the Dalai Lama, so how do you get out of this?
See where it’s happening is the best place to start with practicing self-compassion:
- In what areas of my life do I want to practice more self-compassion and self-forgiveness?
- What do I need to forgive myself for?
- What might be getting in my way?
- What self-compassion and self-forgiveness practices am I going to cultivate and commit to?
Choices
Look at where you can make choices that are aligned with increasing your well-being.
Eating a juicy Alphonso mango leads to health and vitality. But an oversized juicy porterhouse steak and beer may cause a big belly and a lot of time on the toilet.
Find and choose those things you love that allow you to expand.
Appreciation and Gratitude
Self-compassion is about consciously shifting your attention to the goodness inside you.
- Identify 3 things you appreciate about yourself
- Think of 3 things you are grateful for in your life.
Don’t monitor yourself. Let come up, whatever comes up. You could be grateful for your pet. A time you spoke up when you were nervous. Giving someone a smile.
I ask and answer these things each night when I lie in bed before drifting off to sleep.
I hope the self-compassion penny has now dropped for you and you are now a millionaire.
Be kind to get aligned, for maximum productivity and well-being.