Forgiveness Isn’t a Personal Development Scam. You Just Haven’t Learned the Key Ingredients.

Here’s how to forgive and finally let go of the past.

I felt like one of those churchy parents that forgives the drunk driver for killing their only child the day after the incident.

For over 2 decades, periodically I “forgave” my parents because a book or a personal developmental teacher told me to.

The personal development ‘techniques’ of doing forgiveness never worked. I moved through the world as an angry young man.

That is until I did this and it naturally unfolded.

I am right. You are wrong.

I had made interpretations of incidents that happened with my parents. Then made judgments about those interpretations.

The judgment was that my parents had wronged me

I was armed with a long list of reasons for my ‘rightness’ and their ‘wrongness’. I felt justified in the stance I took against them.

What I didn’t realize at the time was the person who suffered most from this paradigm I set up, was myself.

Does this sound familiar to you?

Hallelujah, I see the light

Why giving forgiveness to my parents or anyone, never “worked” was that I didn’t understand their history and patterns.

I only looked at how I had been dealt an injustice by these actions. I didn’t look at what caused my mom or dad, to do what they did.

But that changed.

Draw your Jedi lightsaber

I started to piece together a brief history of my parents.

• Baggage — My dad’s mom would denigrate him and publicly shame him.
• Societal pressures — Mom was a smart cookie but in the 60s, mom told me women didn’t go to university. She would have excelled.
• Passions — My dad wanted to play in a band but ended up with his own young family and an alcohol problem.

When you understand the past of your parents, it makes sense why they did so many hurtful things toward you. That doesn’t make their actions ok but understanding starts the path to feeling sympathy and compassion.

What to do:

• Write out 5 pages about what you know about their history, including time during their schooling, the impact of societal pressures (e.g. wars), unfulfilled dreams, and pressures from their parents (your grandparents.)

Compassion

Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquillity and happiness we all seek

— Dalai Lam

I now understood the hardships that shaped how they parented. There was a part of me that felt I contribute to the misalign between us.

Before this understanding, I thought it was all of them and had nothing to do with me. They couldn’t have done anything other than what they knew.

There was a shift from the head to the heart.

Put the Image of your parent on the sword

“Peace is in the grave”

— Percy Bysshe Shelley

Writing and talking can help with healing. But physical processes are more emotionally charged as they included every aspect of your being.

You can do the following exercise, whether your parents are alive or passed away.

1. Attend site — Visit a cemetery (when I did this process, the facilitators had pre-arranged permission.)
2. Items — Bring the following items: flowers, mementos of your parents, and a notepad.
3. Graves — Find graves that feel right for each of your parents.
4. Sit — See your mom and dad in their grave. Do each one separately. Reflect on their life, suffering, and their unfulfilled dreams. Allow yourself to cry. Place a flower on the grave.
5. Scribe — Write a few paragraphs about how your mom and dad tried to be wonderful parents, but because of their past, they were not the loving parent they wanted to be.

Alternatively, visualize this exercise using all your senses.

This is your life

Contemplation on death is neither an exercise in morbidity nor a dwelling on the unhappy side of life. In fact, when marana-sati (death awareness practice) is done properly, it’s quite astonishing how much stability and peace come out of it.

— Larry Rosenberg

A guru in India told me once that it’s easier on your personal development journey to start with others when making observations. After you see things in others, then shine the light on yourself.

There are 2 roads.

Left road. Living a life out of a place from the old patterns.

Right road. Living in the present. Acting spontaneously from your authentic self.

The following will allow you to experience the consequences if you continue down the left road.

1. Attend site — Visit a cemetery.

2. Item — Bring a flower and a notepad.

3. Graves — Find a grave that feels appropriate.

Left road funeral

• Choose a grave site that suits the consequences and conclusion of your decision to continue down the left road until your death in the future.
• Contemplate who you are and whom you have become after years of acting out on these old patterns.
• Imagine yourself lying in the grave looking up. Imagine this as your funeral.
• See all the important people in your life. Your spouse(s), child (including future children), lovers, friends, ex-friends, co-workers, and parents.
• They are angry at you for the negative effect on your patterns have had on them. And they are expressing this anger out loud. No one is sorry for your passing.
• Contemplate how your life will be if you continue behaving in the way you do. Feel the associated emotions of isolation, anger, and sadness.
• Write out how — How did you die? Whom did you become? What kind of grave did you have? Who was at your grave? What especially did each person say? How did you feel when they said these words?
• Step out from the grave. Resolve that you will not allow your life to end in such a miserable way. Vow to love yourself and others. Affirm independence from your mom and dad. Claim your freedom to be your essential self.

Now, take the right road. Embrace the power that comes with taking the right road.

Right road funeral

• Find a grave that represents this for you
• Imagine yourself lying in the grave, facing up.
• All the important people in your life are present at your funeral service.
• Everyone is here to celebrate your life and your legacy. Your life has been an inspiration to others and they express their gratitude.
• Write out how — How did you die? Whom did you become? What kind of grave did you have? Who was at your grave? What especially did each person say? How did you feel when they said these words?

For me, the metaphorical penny dropped, and I felt like a millionaire. This process made me feel physically lighter and much less angry.

The benefits I received were:

• How I lived with a sense of entitlement.
• If I continued the way I was going, I would be isolated from other people.
• I need to do things differently.
• I understood my parents as mere mortals. No longer as a god or demon.
• I want to lead a life that inspires and helps other people.

What arose from no forced effort was forgiveness. As I understood why they did what they did and my role in the incidents.

True understanding leads to compassion.

Flicking your eyes over articles is interesting. Doing the physical processes allows healing and transformation to take place.

Which road are you going to take?

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