Personal Development Is a Scam. Empower Yourself through the Cycle of Transformation
I got dismal results from self-improvement. Then I learned this powerful 4-step process.
I wasted 27 years in a frenzied search for change. I tried everything personal development offered: barley wheat grass shots, therapies (CBT, color, schema, dance, psychodynamic), yoga, veganism, love languages, Advaita Vedanta, ejaculation control, Tony Robbins, mental models, and the list goes on.
Each tool had its flavor but lacked completeness.
This 4 step cycle will identify the origin of your debilitating patterns, use the expression to exercise free will, compassion, and forgiveness to let go of the past, then adopt new behaviors to embrace authenticity and live with passion.
#1 Awareness, Awareness, Awareness
“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are,”
— Anais Nin
You first need to know that you have something to drop, move through, heal, or change before you can do something about it.
If you were a liar, liar and your pants are now on fire. You need to be aware of the fire to put it out.
So what do you need to be aware of to ignite powerful change?
To become alive in the present moment and act out of a place of who you are, you need to be aware of your defensive patterns. As it’s these that close you off from yourself and the world.
You adopted defensive patterns as a child. Back then, you craved your parent’s love and did everything in your power to get close to them. Including adopting their negative behaviors to get close to them.
Patterns are reactive and compulsive mental/behavioral constructs that occur repeatedly.
You see them displayed in:
Ways of being. Closed, timid, reserved.
Ways of acting. Critical, oversharing, procrastination.
Beliefs. I am not enough. I am insignificant.
Moods. Grumpy, numb, excited.
Other defensive patterns include being withdrawn, joker, rebel, self-judgment, always late, busyness, interrupting, anxious, resentful, alone, cheerful, victim, dominant, and always laughing (think Ned Flanders.)
As you gain a deeper insight into your patterns, you can act apart from them.
I had a pattern of seriousness. I adopted this pattern from my mom. This pattern shut me down from forming intimate relationships with females.
Cyndi Lauper told me girls just want to have fun. But I didn’t listen and suffered terrible embarrassment with women for decades.
Here’s what you can do:-
Identify your defensive patterns using pattern tracing:
- Make a list of your mom’s and dad’s (or surrogate’s) 25 worst patterns.
- Which patterns do you have that your parent/s also have?
- Did you adopt this pattern? Or was it in reaction to something? If so, what?
- What impact does this pattern have on your life now? What experiences are you missing out on?
#2. Expression
“If we’re committed to growth, we never stop discovering new dimensions of self and self-expression.”
— Oprah Winfrey
The next step in your exploration is to let go of these straight jacket-like patterns.
Freedom comes through using your free will about your patterns, using your voice, body, and intention.
You use your voice to say “no” to the pattern and “yes” to your natural tendencies. Either out loud or mentally.
Your intention is of vital importance as it provides boundaries of where the energy is directed. The intention is to free yourself from the pattern and reconnect to your aliveness.
The below-energized movements take you beyond the ways you were allowed to express emotions (hurt, fear, sadness, anger) that were previously bound within the family context.
Here’s what you can do:-
Your body is used to express your embodied power, frustrations, repressed feelings, and aliveness through:
- Stomping — Using your hand, “pull” the pattern out of yourself, throw it on the dump, and stomp on it!
- Bashing — Write the pattern on a piece of paper and place it on a large cushion. With a bat or your fists, hit this piece of paper. Use your voice to yell and scream at the parent that gave you this. Yell, it’s got no power over you anymore.
- Dancing — Get your groove on. Dancing releases aliveness and power. Try ecstatic dance, 5 Rhythms or close the blinds and play your fav song and get jiggy with it.
- Shaking — Stand on your feet and shake your hold body.
#3. Compassion and Forgiveness
And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
— Bible Luke 23:34
As much as you feel hard done by and like to blame your parents, you need to forgive them and yourself.
But you cannot force forgiveness.
Forgiveness allows you to let go of the pattern. You exercise forgiveness for yourself and not your parent.
At the heart of forgiveness are self-compassion and self-love. By understanding yourself and how you have suffered, you then extend that out to others. Tenderness is born out of understanding.
The key to forgiving your parents is to understand their hardships, in particular their childhoods. Be curious about what drove them, even if you cannot ask them to undo what they did.
Here’s what you can do:-
Either talk directly to your parents (individually) or write what you do know about them, based on:
- What was painful, challenging, or missing in their childhoods?
- Which needs didn’t your parents have met when they were kids?
- Did you observe they got their defensive patterns from your grandparents?
#4. New Behavior
“Action is your power pusher to new behaviors that open your heart to freedom”
— Jude Bijou
You need to practice new behaviors for change to explode throughout your life.
You visualize yourself feeling, behaving, and living in a new, enlivening way.
New behaviors are play, risk-taking, starting new projects, laughter, moving, connection to yourself and others, confidence, and vulnerability.
Here’s what you can do:-
- Use the Hoffman Process Recycling tool for maximum effect. Recycling enables you to emotionally and physically embrace the new behavior.
Remember, it’s a cycle of transformation. Once the new behavior is done, be aware of the impact.
As I started taking on a new behavior of engaging with others, I wasn’t asserting my boundaries. As a result, people were oversharing. Thus, a new journey opened for exploration open that drove me deeper into who I am.
Your patterns box you into a (mental) fortress. The price of unconscious resistance is your fortress is a prison. You have no options. Instead…
Identify, express, let go of the past, and take on new behaviors. And it’s complete.