Here’s How Your Parents Wrecked Your Life — What Is Your Pseudo-Love?
But there is no hate here. Only the exit sign out of the maze.
How was love expressed to you as a kid determines the quality of your relationships now.
You needed to hear as a kid from your parent “these mud cakes look so tasty!” And “No, you cannot have pizza 3 times a day.” Clear encouragement and boundaries. But this did always happen.
How was love expressed in your family?
Identify the types of ‘pseudo-love’ you received as a kid. This insight will set you on a path for enlivening your relationships, igniting your career, and turning around your finances.
While your parents had good intentions. They were dealing with their unresolved crap. What you ended up receiving was a combination of love and ‘pseudo-love’.
You now repeat these patterns in relationships and other areas of your life.
Pseudo Love #1 — Enmeshment Love
If your parent was overly emotional, then you could have taken responsibility to soothe your parent. However, you will feel overwhelmed and are doomed to fail. There is a conflict between the need for love and independence/freedom.
I had a heart-to-heart with my mom 5 weeks ago. I said she did this to me — in a nice way. She agreed she put too much on me.
Three weeks ago we had another convo, I told her I still felt responsible for her. She told me that she can look after herself. She will sometimes need help, but she will ask for it.
At that exact moment when she said that, I unconsciously let out a big exhale and my shoulders dropped. A sense of relaxation washed over me, which is still present.
Pseudo Love #2 — Conditional
Your parent says, without saying, I will give you love and attention, if you:
- Become an accountant.
- Like me more than your mom.
- Play baseball.
- Win this beauty pageant.
- Get As on your report card.
My dad gave me attention when I was a quiet mouse. But I didn’t give 2 f*cks about peace when I was a kid. I wanted to run around the house in my spiderman outfit, spraying out spider webs and saving the world from the Green Goblin.
Pseudo Love #3 — Chaotic Love
Your parents cannot manage their own emotions due to being an acholic, depressed, or having a stressful job. The focus of their attention comes and goes. The giving of love is unpredictable.
My dad loved chugging back 6–8 beers a night. Later in life, he graduated to cheap cask wine. While he saved money from by switch, I never what type of drunk he would be that night — friendly or not so friendly.
Pseudo Love #4— Permissive love
Here, your parent is finding it hard to set boundaries if any. Your parent cannot deal with your frustrations.
You may feel like you were neglected or now have a low tolerance for frustration.
Are you the type of person that “suffers fools lightly?”
Pseudo Love #5 — For your own good
Did you ever hear this, in a wise parent’s voice, when on the end of receiving a punishment “this hurts me more than you.”
This creates confusion. Love is now associated with hurt and pain. You now recreate a pattern of receiving hurt in your intimate relationships.
Pseudo Love #6 — Rose-Coloured-Glasses
Your mom kept telling you the same old story as to why your dad wasn’t present on sports day. It was because he was working a lot (60 hours a week) to pay for all your sporting stuff.
When your parent lives in a fantasy world, your needs are not adequately met. There is a non-recognition that things are falling apart. You then feel under-resourced to deal with the hard stuff in the world.
My dad said he didn’t take me too little athletics because he had to work at his laundry mat on Saturdays to earn enough money to buy “our” dream of a farm. Only my dream was to run like Carl Lewis, not be the next Mr. Potato Head.
Pseudo Love #7 — Gifts or Food are Love
Oversupply of material items were payments for love.
Sure getting new barbies, any computer you want, and Macca Ds a few times a week is swell. Using things develops into a way of manipulating, managing your emotional state, and of relating to others.
Pseudo Love #8 — Vicarious Love
This is a common one if you were an over-achieving kid.
Your parent lives out their unfulfilled dreams through you. Pushing you into doing something you aren’t interested in and beyond what you are capable of.
Your parents hijack your successes as their achievements.
Pseudo Love # 9— Martyr Love
Make no mistake about it, it’s your parent’s responsibility to care for and look after you. They aren’t doing some type of favor.
Were you told “After all, I’ve done for you,” or “how could you treat me that way.”
Pseudo Love #10 — Surrogate Spouse Love (The Oedipus Winner)
You are put up on a pedestal made to feel equal or more important than both of your parents. You receive special privileges and may have felt like a miniature adult or even been a replacement for the ‘other’ parent.
This can happen if there was a death of one parent, divorce, or unresolved conflict in their marriage.
You end up competing to stay on top and to stay special. But this makes you feel isolated and alone.
Pseudo Love #11 — ‘You Are Lovable, But I’m Not Love’
Your parent loves you but doesn’t love themselves. You grow into an adult who isn’t worthy of love. And pretend you are ok.
Pseudo Love #12 — Dutiful Love
Your parent parents are out of obligation only and thus lack warmth and affection. You feel like you have been carried for by don’t feel the flow of love.
Pseudo Love #13 — Trying to Love
Love is held and not given freely. Your parent tells you, you are hard to love but you make it hard.
Pseudo Love #14 — Good Guy / Bad Guy Love
One of your parents is seen as ‘bad’ and the other parents as ‘good.’ These conclusions may not be accurate. What is seen as giving could be overcompensating.
This pattern is confusing and triggers doubt and fear over forming relationships with others.
Pseudo Love #15 — Ghost Love
Your parent doesn’t give love as they are not present or available. But you are told how much they love you. Love is withheld.
Pseudo Love #16—There-But-Not-There Love
The parent is checked out, numb, and doesn’t connect. You may or may not be told you are loved, but the experience is of being alone.
Pseudo Love #17 — Seesaw Love
You had an alcoholic or drug-dependent parent. When intoxicated, they freely expressed their love. As you kid, you cannot trust others. As an adult, you have an underlying mistrust when others express their love.
Pseudo Love #18 — Smothering Love
They smothered you with attention to the point of feeling suffocated with a pillow. Your parent looks for their own need for love to be met through you. The unspoken message is ‘I need you to fill my empty life.’
This parenting style can be triggered by them feeling guilty and not connecting with you authentically and overcompensating.
I loved that my mum took me to so many sporting activities, but a kid said to me one time “you spend a lot of time with your mum” and walked off laughing. My mum felt guilty for divorcing my dad. This was back in the day when couples didn’t get divorced.
Although one or both of your parents have demonstrated some of these types of love. This isn’t supposed to be taken as:
· How to blame them for your past and current problems.
· Feel justified in blaming them for your issues.
· Use this as a list to start criticizing them.
Instead….
Use this list as a means to learn about yourself. Use this list for gaining self-knowledge.
I thought I was the best (step) parent — I wasn’t
You aren’t going to like to hear this.
How you received love as a kid is the way you give love now. The way you were parented is the way you parent now.
It’s hard to gulp this down because you like to think of yourself as a nice person. And you would never harm your kids.
I looked at how I was parenting my ex’s kid. My dad used to be very instructional (dutiful love) when he spoke to me. As in “do this” and “don’t do that”. I now see how I did this same thing to her child. I couldn’t believe it! I always thought I was so kind to her.
Again, it’s not about criticism but about bringing light into the darkness.
Intimate Partner
Another area for expanding self-knowledge is about how you relate to your intimate partner. Another bitter pill to swallow. The way you related to the opposite-sex partner will be the same type/s of love that plays out between you and your partner now.
Why?
Because you do what you learned. You cannot love in a healthy way if you don’t know how to.
Identifying where this is playing out in your relationship will breathe new life into your connection.
Identify which ‘pseudo-love’ you received. Apply the knowledge with compassion and courage, and a striking transformation will take place.
