Porn Addiction: A Gateway to Shame, Broken Marriages, and Instant Gratification
Welcome to the nasty world of porn
I had a porn addiction.
The problem with addiction is that you tell yourself things that keep you caught in its web.
You tell yourself first of all it’s not a problem. The next thing you tell yourself is, that I can stop at any time. Followed by you never stop.
“Lucky I found these and not your grandfather.”
My friends and me the time used to buy magazines and share them.
I was about 20 and my mum found my stash of porno magazines in the bottom drawer of my wardrobe in my bedroom. She didn’t say anything else. I remember feeling ashamed at the time. My mum walked off. The shame quickly disappeared. It was never referred to again.
The problem when these types of unhealthy desires are ignored they slowly take on a life of their own. And eventually, destroy your life.
No matter how twisted and convoluted your sexual desires have become freedom isn’t that far away. But it will take time for resolution.
Addiction — “I just like it. I can stop at any time”
Porn addiction is an attachment to using pornography that is difficult to cease despite the negative consequences.
Common signs that you could be addicted to pornography are:
- An increase in using pornography.
- Increase the intensity of the type of porn you use. For example, you may have looked at soft porn. And now you are only satisfied with hardcore pornography.
- You are not able to stop the use of porn even though you are aware it’s harming your life.
You may be confused if your porn consumption is a problem for you. If so, stop for a set period and see your reaction.
If you:
- Break commitment. Need to cut the agreed time shorter than you had decided.
- Emotional response. Experience anxiety and frustration in response to not being able to watch it.
These may be signs that you are addicted.
The effects of being entangled
To keep you more entangled in porn, it’s presented in an unreal way.
The actors can have surgically or digitally enhanced features. The fantasies portrayed are situations that are highly unlikely in real life.
Sexual excitement is craftily induced through the breaking of taboos, enhanced close-ups, and favorable lighting.
This all culminates in a bigger stimulus hit than sex with your partner.
How unhealthy consumption affects your brain
After prolonged exposure to pornography, studies have shown this can have a negative effect on your brain.
Means you’re neuro pathways in the brain get ‘rewired’ due to the firing of dopamine and other neurochemicals being released.
Rewiring refers to neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to reorganize neural pathways based on new experiences.
This can be seen in 4 ways:
Sensitization — how you respond to something in a sensitive manner. Marked by a weakening of a response to natural rewards. Meaning you become hyper-aroused to porn. There is an increase in wanting even though the pleasure diminishes.
Desensitization — is the process of dulling or reducing the sensation from stimuli. That is you derive less pleasure from watching porn over time.
This leads to searching out increasingly more stimulating types of porn for satisfaction. This can manifest in terms of watching for longer periods and also more frequently. Developing further into kinkier types of porn and possibly developing fetishes that before this addiction they would have had no interest in.
Dysfunctional prefrontal circuits — There is a weakening in your willpower, along with you becoming very reactive to sexual stimuli. There is a dysfunction in the prefrontal cortex between the reward from porn and impulse control. Meaning that part of you is yelling out for more porn but there is another part saying no I don’t want any more porn. When this tug of war occurs you are prone to giving into consuming porn.
Malfunction stress System — Addiction can be viewed as a stress disorder and chronic use of addiction can the brain’s ability to handle stress. Meaning even small stresses led to immediate withdrawal systems symptoms with stopping an addiction. Impulse control around porn usage is impaired and you are not able to acknowledge the negative consequences of your behavior.
Intimate Relationship — “You Love that Porn more than me”
The use of pornography by one partner leads the couple to have far less sex and ultimately reduces relationship satisfaction…We are led to unconditionally conclude that for many reasons, pornography poses a serious threat to couple intimacy and relationship harmony.
— Drs. John and Julie Gottman
While an unhealthy consumption of porn can affect yourself, it also affects your partner. And not in a good way.
Areas of your relationships it erodes are:
Trust. “I feel like you are cheating on me when you look at that stuff” was the hurtful statement a partner of mine had made when she found out I had watched porn. One of the pillars of intimacy is being vulnerable with your partner. To be vulnerable your partner needs to feel they trust you. When you get yourself off to what she would consider another woman the trust is destroyed.
Negative sexual behavior. Unhealthy consumption of porn is very much centered on yourself. This is in opposition to when loving making with your partner. In a healthy relationship, the focus is on mutual satisfaction.
Sexual Expectations. In Supernormal Stimuli, Deirdre Barrett states when you consume porn frequently you then can place unreal expectations on your partner during sex. As you now require “supernormal stimulus” in lovemaking your interest in normal sexual stimuli has now waned from viewing extreme forms of sex.
Destroys intimacy. Intimacy is based on connection and communication. When you masturbate to porn your partner may view you are turning away from them.
Control. When you consume porn you are the one in control of your sexual experience. However, in an intimate relationship, there is shared control in the experience. Thus possibly creating an unreal expectation that sex will be under only your control.
Porn today is possible on demand at any time of the day or night. This has become the norm. A continual search for more stimulation feels normal. What has once been considered normal sex isn’t satisfying anymore.
This may get to a point where sex with your partner is unsatisfying. You may look to use porn during your lovemaking with your partner as a means to compensate for this issue.
Men’s Health — “Don’t worry honey it can happen to all guys”
Along with affecting you on a mental and emotional level, watching porn can affect you physically.
- Erectile disorder — problem with getting and maintaining an erection. About porn, it is known as Porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED.)
- Male hypoactive sexual desire disorder.
- Premature ejaculation.
- Delayed ejaculation.
- Anorgasmia — the inability to reach orgasm.
- Anhedonia — loss of pleasure in general.
- Decrease in libido
Resources — Where to from here
There are several resources online that can assist you if you think your porn consumption is out of control.
Gary Wilson has written a very useful book Your Brain on Porn and has a website by the same name. There is a large library of references to scientific research papers on the negative impact unhealthy porn consumption creates. An extensive list of information on potential sexual problems from porn addiction. And a helpful section on quitting porn.
NoFap is a website that provides a program to stop your addiction to porn. Their program is called “Rebooting”. Which is the process of abstaining from porn for an extended period to allow your brain to reboot towards natural and people-based sexuality. This varies in degrees from abstaining from masturbation to ceasing from orgasming altogether for some time.
They liken this rebooting to a computer metaphor. You unplug from porn, leading to brain changes that have occurred to porn use. This will bring your brain back to your “factory setting”. Hence the term reboot.
They have a community of people to support and make you accountable to achieve results to improve your life.
There are 3 programs (Lite Mode, Standard Mode, and Hard Mode) that are differentiated by various degrees of abstinence. Other variations that you can choose from in this program include: monthly challenges, number of days for abstinence, symptom-based durations (reboot based on when you feel better about a particular issue), and day counters (which track your progress.)
Other practical ways to stop:
Changing surroundings — physically move into environments where you cannot use porn. For example, most people don’t use porn in public. Don’t take internet devices with you, if you don’t have access you cannot use it.
Quick, high-rep exercise — refocus your surge in sexual energy on carrying out a physical exercise. For example when the urge comes up immediately do as many pushes up as possible or go for a run.
Distractions — holding you’re breathing and cold showers.
Ceasing the use of porn using appropriate support can be life-changing. The positive changes may manifest in terms of increased confidence, following new creative pursuits, higher motivation, increased sexual interest in others, reduction in anxiety and shame, and the development of self-discipline and willpower.
These positive outcomes are only possible when you recognize if you have a problem. And make the courageous decision to take action to change.
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