You Can’t Change People, But You Can Change Your Boundaries
You have the power to decide what you’re willing to tolerate.
The deeper we dive into our healing journey, the more we realize we all carry fears and wounds that influence our behavior.
We also realize that some people are simply not willing to do the work. It doesn’t matter how much we love them, or how much we try to help them. They’re going to keep avoiding their healing because they’re too scared to deal with their emotions.
This realization can be very painful and confusing. Sometimes, we even try to recreate the “good old days” when we weren’t as self-aware so that the relationship doesn’t change. In other words, we keep ourselves small to make them feel comfortable.
The problem with this is that it makes us feel miserable.
Thankfully, there’s another path. A path that allows us to stay true to ourselves and protect our energy.
But first, you have to ask yourself two very important questions.
What Do You Value Most?
Be honest with yourself and get clear on what’s important to you. Are these relationships more important than your personal growth?
Would you rather keep these relationships intact and delay your healing journey? Or, would you rather use your healing journey to improve your life and build healthier relationships?
If the answer is “my healing is more important”, congratulations! You’re on the right path. If, on the other hand, you still don’t feel ready to prioritize your personal growth, there’s something you need to change first.
- Is it because you need external validation?
- Is it because you don’t want to cause conflict?
- Is it because you have no idea how to stand up for yourself?
As ironic as it sounds, the truth is that once you begin to prioritize yourself, most of your relationships improve. And those that don’t improve are simply not meant to stay in your life.
However, you’ll only be able to prioritize yourself once you feel worthy of being your top priority. And you’ll only be able to set boundaries once you feel worthy of setting them.
If you still carry subconscious beliefs like “my needs don’t matter” or “I don’t deserve to set boundaries”, then you won’t have what it takes to set boundaries — because you’ll sabotage yourself every time you have to do it.
What Are You Willing To Tolerate?
Once you feel worthy of prioritizing your personal growth, you’re ready to get clear on what you can do to build relationships that make you feel loved, respected, and supported.
This means reflecting on:
- what you will and will not tolerate;
- who drains you and who lifts you up;
- what you can do to protect yourself from those who drain you.
If you’ve been a people-pleaser your whole life, you probably have no idea of what boundaries are or how to set them. If that’s the case, let me give you a brief introduction.
Your boundaries are your limits. They allow you to express yourself, be assertive, and meet your own needs — which makes them your best tool against people who take advantage of your kindness.
Boundaries come naturally to people who are securely attached and know their worth. However, if you grew up in an enmeshed/dysfunctional family, you were not modeled healthy coping mechanisms and you were certainly not taught how to stand up for yourself.
The good news is that you can always teach yourself.
Some examples of boundaries are:
- Your friend keeps dumping their problems on you. They don’t even listen to your advice — they just keep dumping everything to make themselves feel better temporarily. In this situation, a good boundary would be, “sorry, but I don’t have the mental/emotional space to deal with this right now” or “I’d love to help you but I’ve already shared my opinion with you”;
- You value your personal space, and you need time alone to process your emotions and reconnect with your intuition. Your family doesn’t acknowledge this need and keeps coming over uninvited. To meet your emotional needs, you set a boundary: “hey, I don’t have time right now, but I would love to be with you. Can you tell me something instead of showing up unannounced? This way I can organize my life and make time for you”.
It’s important to keep in mind that the success of your boundary is not measured by people’s reactions — it’s measured by your courage and persistence.
Unfortunately, not everyone will react well to your boundaries. In fact, many won’t, because your selfless personality was convenient to them. But that’s their problem, not yours.
As I wrote before, I wrote:
“The sad truth is, you can’t control whether or not people accept your boundaries. The only thing you can control is how you express yourself and what you do to meet you own needs.
I know how difficult it is to see people you love getting aggressive and disrespectful when you speak your limits, but at the end of the day, it’s not their reaction that determines how successful your boundary was — it’s your ability to stay grounded and true to yourself.
If you’d like some extra help, you have my Self-Healing Workbook. I dedicated a whole section (Part 4: Future Self) to boundaries and self-validation, so that you genuinely feel guided in this whole process — and, more importantly, so that you feel worthy of speaking your limits!
You can’t change people, but you can influence the way they treat you by setting boundaries and letting them know what you will and will not tolerate.
Emotionally mature people will respect your boundaries and adjust their behavior accordingly. They will empathize with you and admire your assertiveness. On the other hand, emotionally immature and/or dysfunctional people will feel threatened by your limits.
That’s when you know you’re doing the right thing.
