Dysfunctional Families: 3 Things They Avoid
#1 Dysfunctional families avoid addressing the root cause of the dysfunction.
Dysfunction is defined as “any impairment, disturbance, or deficiency in behavior on the part of an individual person, between people in a relationship, or among family members.”
Unfortunately, many of us were raised in dysfunctional families that made it very difficult for us to develop a secure sense of self and build healthy relationships. Instead, we were modeled poor boundaries, unhealthy relationship dynamics, and poor conflict resolution skills.
Worst case scenario, we witnessed substance abuse, mental illness, and/or physical and emotional abuse.
One thing is certain: whenever there’s any kind of dysfunction, the child’s needs are not met.
That’s why it’s so important to reconnect with yourself as an adult: so that you’re able to meet your needs, honor your feelings and break the cycle of dysfunction.
1. Dysfunctional families avoid addressing the root cause of the dysfunction.
Life in a dysfunctional family is usually filled with chaos and characterized by an extreme lack of structure. There’s no secure base for the child to return to — in fact, the base is the source of the problem.
Dysfunctional families do whatever it takes to maintain the same rules and behaviors regardless of how unhealthy they are. This means that if you eventually become aware of how dysfunctional they are and where the dysfunction is coming from, they’ll deny it, gaslight you and even blame you for their dysfunction.
Types of dysfunctional families include:
- The pathological family: when one or both parents struggle with addiction or mental illness, leaving the children in charge of their own lives (and responsible for taking care of the parents);
- The dominant-submissive family: when there’s a parent that dictates the emotional state of the family, with no regard to the wishes or feelings of the other family members;
- The chronic conflict family: when arguments and disputes are the norms;
- The chaotic family: when family rules and expectations are unclear, and parents frequently come and go;
- The emotionally detached family: when parents are typically cold, showing no love, affection, or support to their children.
2. Dysfunctional families avoid direct and clear communication.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you probably don’t know how to express your needs and feelings in a clear, honest, assertive way. There are many reasons why.
First, because most dysfunctional families don’t respect your boundaries. They feel threatened by your individualization, so most attempts to show your true colors and become independent (even if it’s just emotionally) are met with anger and guilt-tripping. As time goes by, you eventually stop expressing yourself because you already know your authenticity leads to conflict — and this deeply affects your self-esteem.
Second, because you were raised in an environment where people express themselves through chaos, exhibiting behaviors like:
- Passive-aggression: expressing anger, hostility, and annoyance in indirect ways;
- Silent treatment: a tactic often used to make you feel guilty and apologize;
- Manipulation and gaslighting: twisting the truth and denying your reality so that you end up confused;
- Emotional volatility: creating an unstable and emotionally unsafe environment to show you who’s in charge;
- Or, using third parties to communicate (for instance, when your mother won’t tell you directly she’s angry, so she’ll use your father or your brother to let you know);
3. Dysfunctional families avoid change.
Unfortunately, dysfunctional families avoid change. Their dysfunction makes them feel safe because they’re too scared to take accountability for their actions and find new ways of being.
You can’t fix them. You can’t rescue them.
The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and heal the wounds they left.
“If you are reading this and deeply desiring help with your family, my suggestion is to pause and focus on you. Feel your feelings fully. Recognize if you’re escaping your feelings by taking part in one of the triangle roles. Try to step out of the roles completely. Take responsibility for your life and feelings, and let others take responsibility for their lives and their feelings. Avoid mind-reading, blaming, scapegoating, rescuing, martyrdom, and being the target of someone else’s blaming. Employ boundaries, and respect other people’s boundaries. Be consistent. Dare to live your life’s passion without needing an excuse or justification. Know that change takes commitment and time, so allow the change to take hold steadily and gradually until it becomes the new normal.”
Kimberly Key, in The Key To Fixing A Dysfunctional Family
Children of dysfunctional families tend to carry on the cycle of dysfunction into their own lives and into their own families.
However, it’s possible to break the cycle.
If we learn to view our family a bit more calmly and objectively — as they are, not as we want them to be — our healing journey becomes way easier.