The Hard Truth About Family Dysfunction
The only thing you can do is work on yourself.
It can take many years for us to become aware of dysfunctional patterns and unhealthy dynamics within our families.
Many people spend their entire lives normalizing dysfunctional behavior and minimizing generational trauma. I get it — my life used to be much easier when I didn’t question anything.
However, without awareness, you can’t take your power back. You can’t unlearn coping mechanisms that no longer serve you, you can’t heal fears and insecurities your parents passed onto you, and you certainly can’t reconnect with your true, authentic self.
Whether you want it or not, an easy life comes with a price.
Calling Out Family Dysfunction Often Leads To Conflict, Resistance, And Shame
Dysfunctional behaviors are, essentially, (maladaptive) coping mechanisms. They’re mechanisms we’ve developed to deal with stress, survive the chaos around us, and meet our own needs. For instance:
- Avoidant people avoid their emotions because that’s what makes them feel safe. They don’t know how to receive love, so they block it;
- Anxiously attached people are constantly anticipating abandonment and rejection because that allows them to feel “prepared” and protected;
- People-pleasers leave their needs behind because that’s the only way they feel worthy of love and acceptance;
- Highly sensitive people are constantly “reading” the feelings and emotions of others because they had to learn to cope with the emotional outbursts of their caregiver(s);
The problem is, many of us get stuck in these coping mechanisms. We don’t make an effort to change them because they’ve been serving us for years. It’s much more comfortable to replicate the same subconscious patterns over and over again, than to reflect on them, question them, and ultimately change them.
Now, what happens when we do question them? What happens when we feel a strong urge to heal and improve ourselves?
The answer is simple: our healing work challenges our family’s coping mechanisms. It triggers their biggest fears and makes them feel threatened.
Now, they have two options: they can either use this as an opportunity to self-reflect and begin their own healing journey, or choose the easiest path and keep replicating the same patterns.
Unfortunately, dysfunctional families avoid change. Their dysfunction makes them feel safe, and they often do whatever it takes to maintain the same rules and behaviors. If you let them know how you feel, they gaslight you and blame you for their dysfunction.
It doesn’t matter how polite and respectful you are. It doesn’t matter how calmly you express yourself. It doesn’t matter how much you try to help them, fix them, or rescue them. Nothing matters because you are not the problem.
You’re working on yourself, and that’s all you can do. That’s all you should do.
“Working through childhood emotional injuries is the most effective way of waking up from repeating the past. When I say “working through”, I mean the mental and emotional process of coming to grips with painful realities. Think of it as a process of breaking down something that’s initially too big to swallow: you chew on it until it can become a digestible part of your history.”
Dr. Lindsay Gibson, in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Dealing with a dysfunctional family can be very draining. If you’re trying to find ways to deal with yours, highly recommend reading this article.
Sometimes, going no contact is the only option. Other times, it’s just not possible to cut your family out of your life. Only you know what’s best for you.
I just want you to know you have every right to set boundaries and honor your needs.
