4 Effective Skills For Dealing With Emotionally Immature Parents
#1 Step out of your rescuer role.
As we already know, emotionally immature parents fail to connect with their children on an emotional level. They’re known for their lack of empathy, as well as their mental rigidity.
Their parenting has many consequences on their children’s life. If you grew up with an emotionally immature or even narcissistic parent, chances are you struggle with being confident, assertive, and spontaneous. You’re conditioned to feel guilty for being a separate individual, and you likely suffer from chronic feelings of unlovability.
In Recovering From Emotionally Immature Parents, Dr. Lindsay Gibson shares some practical tools to establish boundaries and reclaim your emotional autonomy.
It’s important to mention that it’s not always possible to effectively deal with emotionally immature parents. Sometimes, depending on their level of emotional immaturity, the only option you have is to cut off contact (either temporarily or permanently). This is a decision only you can make — because only you know what’s best for you.
However, if you want/need to find ways to deal with them while showing them you’re an independent adult, these 4 skills will help you.
1. Step out of your rescuer role.
Children of emotionally parents often feel like it’s their job to save others and make everyone feel comfortable. So, the first thing you have to do is recognize that it’s not your responsibility to fix or rescue your parents.
You’re a separate individual with your own thoughts, feelings, and needs. You have every right to live your life without having to worry about your parents all the time.
“This over-responsibility is a form of codependency whereby you try to feel lovable and valuable by taking on other people’s problems as your own, often without being asked. You end up more consumed with their lives than your own.”
Dr. Lindsay Gibson
2. Be slippery and sidestep.
When Dr. Gibson says to “be slippery”, what she means is sidestepping your parents’ attempt to pressure you into doing what they want.
Emotionally immature people need you to validate their views and let them win all the time. Every time you disagree with them makes them feel threatened and insecure about themselves.
However, instead of being pulled into a struggle, you can say,
- “I don’t know, we’ll see”
- “I can’t really answer that right now”
- “Sorry, but I’m not looking for advice right now”
- “Yeah, you might be right, but I’ve made up my mind”
- “I appreciate that you’re worried about me but I know what’s best for me”
“Because emotionally immature parents aren’t mature enough to fight fair, confrontations with them are full of dirty tricks and red herrings. They will wear you down and distract you from the outcome you want. If you accept a battle of wills, they might win because their self-centered arguments will exhaust your brain just trying to make sense of their illogical responses.”
3. Lead the interaction.
Although emotionally immature people can be highly manipulative and domineering, the truth is they’re not that wise or knowledgeable. In fact, they think in stereotyped and self-focused ways — they either talk about them or they bring up one of their very few conversational topics.
This means you have the power to lead the interaction. You can shift the conversation to topics that interest you, or guide the interaction towards a more productive path.
“You’re not selling out, you’re directing the show. You’re deliberately staying active, instead of slipping into passivity and dissociation.”
4. Create space for yourself: disengage, set limits, or leave.
Before spending any time with your parent(s), try to plan how you’re going to create some healthy space for yourself during the interaction. This way, you don’t disconnect from your needs/goals, nor do you feel stuck in their one-person show.
Dr. Gibson suggests the following:
- Limit your length of exposure to your parents: decide in advance how much exposure to them you can handle;
- Act fast: When you feel drained by them and feel the need for some breathing room, interrupt the interaction right away and say something like “oh, you know what, excuse me; I need to use the bathroom” or “I’m sorry, but I’m getting sleepy. I need some fresh air, I’ll be back in a little bit”;
- Make sure you have a safe space to retreat to: for instance, if you’re visiting them and they live far away (or if you’re spending holiday together), find a place for you to stay and have some time without them;
- Just leave: leaving doesn’t mean you’re coward, rude, disrespectful or impolite. It means you know people don’t get to access you any time it suits them. If you feel like they’re depleting you, you can always say “well, this has been great, but I gotta get going”;
- Cut off contact: if your parents don’t respect your boundaries, or if their behavior is just too painful, you can cut off contact for as long as you need to. Sometimes this is really the only option.
I know how frustrating and depleting it can be to deal with emotionally immature parents, and I know how deeply they affect your sense of self-worth.
If you’ve been struggling with setting limits with your parents, I highly recommend reading Dr. Gibson’s books. Her work has helped me acknowledge my right to set boundaries and live my own life.
At the end of the day, only we can reclaim our freedom and emotional autonomy. Are you reclaiming yours?
